A Matter of Perspective

I often joke that I knew a whole lot more about parenting before I ever had children.

It is easier to form a theory than to put it into practice.

On Facebook yesterday, a handful of my friends happened to post an article about parenting within the same few hours. Each of them posted an article that was positive for their style of parenting. Each article took a very different approach from the others. I was entertained by the timing of the article posts. I also enjoyed reading the articles and the comments of my friends.

I admit, though, that the burst of information shook me up a little. It wasn't the specific information that got me. I have my agreements and disagreements there. I know my friends are loving parents who are seeking the best for their individual families. It was the realization that my motherhood experience just does not seem to fit nicely into those various labels & styles that were posted.

I used to delight in being different like that. I have joked with some of my Mommy friends about how I pick and choose things out of different parenting labels, but I don't really fit into a specific one.

But, what struck me yesterday, and plowed me over this morning, is the realization that my own parenting style keeps changing based on the circumstances in my life. My perspective keeps changing.

An easy example was how I was so nervous about leaving Jersey #1 overnight when I delivered Jersey #2. I worried about how she would do without me. Well, the joke was on me, because when it was time to take Jersey #2 for heart surgery, I didn't even think twice about Jersey #1 being in my parents' care for 12 days! My worries dissipated as my priorities changed.

Last night, Jersey #5 woke up in the middle of the night, battling congestion. I got up to get him a drink, and he followed me to the kitchen. On the way, we passed by The Referee (who was up battling insomnia), sitting in the recliner, watching a movie, with Jersey #4 asleep in his arms. Jersey #5 immediately went open-arms to his Daddy, and The Referee volunteered to rock him, and let me return to bed. I offered to carry Jersey #4 to her bed...she had woken too, and The Referee rocked her back to sleep. The Referee considered the idea, as he looked down at his two youngest children snuggling in his lap.....but decided he would just rock both of them a while.

Normally, I would have been quick to argue that sleeping children should be moved to their beds, to encourage healthy sleep habits. Last night, I took one look at my husband, cuddling and rocking his young children, and I thought about how holding sleeping children is so therapeutic and calming. Considering the level of stress we are under right now, does it really matter if he holds the kids for the rest of the night? Is it really going to ruin their ability to form healthy sleep habits? No. It is better that we draw closer as a family and hold each other and comfort each other, and combat this stress. So, I tossed a blanket on them, and returned to bed.

I took the older 4 children to the dentist today. Upon exam, the dentist discovered that Jersey #4 has a rather large cavity, on a very small tooth. It needs to be capped. When Jersey #2 and Jersey #3 needed caps on some of their teeth, the dentist recommended the procedure be done under general anesthesia. They were each 2 years old, and required a few different teeth to be capped. Considering Jersey #4 only needs 1 single tooth capped, and she is already 3 years old, the dentist recommended trying the procedure in-office, instead. He would use sedation medication to make her drowsy, but she would be awake. Jersey #4 has not been cooperative about sitting in the big chair for cleanings, so the concern is will they get any better cooperation from her if sedated. If not, they would want to restrain her by wrapping her like a papoose. Of course, I would be by her side the entire time.

In the past, I would have been abhorred by the mere thought of a dentist restraining my child. How inhumane! Wouldn't that just breed a fear of the dentist?

Today, I took the information all in stride. We have been taking our children to this specific dentist for over 6 years now. I am well aware that the staff do their best to make dental visits the most positive experience possible. They go the extra mile to help children feel comfortable. I am so thankful that this dentist seeks the least invasive treatment option each and every time, on a case-by-case basis. I know this because we have dealt with A LOT of dental stuff. A LOT! (We have terrible teeth genetics). To be honest, I am relieved that he is willing to try the in-office procedure in the first place. That is so much safer than general anesthesia. He knows it and I know it. But, we also know that restraining Jersey #4 might upset her to the point of hating the dentist for life. The hygienist took the time to explain ways they work to re-build trust if Jersey #4 holds a grudge.

As I explained the situation to The Referee, I asked him if it is strange that I am not upset about the idea of restraining at the dentist, like I would expect myself to be? I am actually relieved that she doesn't have to go under anesthesia for treatment. He suggested it was a matter of perspective. Right now, we are facing open-heart surgery for one of our children, so the idea of swaddling a child's arms to their body for a dental procedure seems small by comparison. When we compare a procedure that may scare a child, versus general anesthesia which can be life-threatening, restraint is not so horrible.

My perspective has really changed. It is amazing what a massive amount of stress and crisis will do to change my priorities. There are so many child rearing details and parenting choices, that were once gravely important, yet seem so insignificant to me right now.

The part that doesn't seem to change is my calling to love my children unconditionally, and support them through all of these challenges in life, no matter how big, scary, or life-threatening.