Domestic Christmas

Christmas has not even arrived yet, and I am already blessed with the most amazing gifts.

A few months ago, The Referee took a second job that may end up becoming a new career opportunity in the future.  For now, it is a means to bring in some extra income to reduce our debt.  Since he knew he would be working a ton of hours, and not able to visit very often, he encouraged the kids by telling them that we would take a portion of his earnings and pick a nicer Christmas gift this year.  The kids have their eyes on DS handheld systems, and tablets.  I saw the opportunity to get a Kitchen Aide mixer.

My sister bought a Kitchen Aide mixer a couple years ago, and loved it.  I could not swing the expense at the time, but I have been listening to her positive comments about how nice it is.  I have scoped them out each year when they go on sale.  This year, I was able to take advantage of a Black Friday sale and get a red mixer that matches my kitchen.  Merry Christmas to me!  

Since they wanted me to do some pre-Christmas baking, The Referee and the kids offered that I could open my present early this year.  We joked that we could just put the empty box under the tree, and I will act surprised.  The first item I made with my new mixer was a batch of brownies for Jersey #1's class party.  Brownies are my favorite dessert, so that was perfect too.

The Christmas gift I was not expecting arrived this evening.

I went out to my van after church, and discovered a cute gift basket filled with home-made laundry detergent, fabric softener, and cleaning products.  

A friend had mentioned she was putting something in my van, just before church began, and I did not give it much thought.  I had items in the back of my van that I was going to be transferring to another friend that night too.

I was sitting at a table with  a group of ladies, talking about my big project to clean and organize my house before the New Year.  We were engaged in a lovely discussion about trying to keep a house clean when we have kids around to build up clutter.  In the midst of our conversation, the topic of home-made laundry soap popped up.  That was something I had been meaning to try out a year ago.  I had even started collecting my empty laundry detergent containers to store it in.  (Then tragedy struck my life and any project that was more than basic survival was dismissed).  

Jersey #2 had been helping me conquer the mountain of laundry this week.  She has been telling me that we are almost out of detergent and need to go to the store.  That got me thinking I really need to look into the homemade detergent idea again.

So, when the ladies started talking about homemade laundry detergent, fabric softener, and cleaning products, I started paying close attention.  I was drilling my friend with various questions about her methods.  After the 3rd or 4th question, she told me that a sample of the products she makes and uses....along with their recipes....was included in the items she put in my van.

Hallelujah!  

I had no idea that she was filling such a need in my life when she asked if she could put something in my van tonight.

God is SO Good!

As I looked through the basket and read over the recipes, I could not help but smile at the whole orchestration of this gift.  This goody basket that I was not even expecting was filled with the very things I have been wanting to try making myself.  They are also really good ways to cut costs in the family budget (which is also a need in my life).  I had no idea my friend made all her detergents and cleaning products, and had been using them long enough to perfect her recipes.  She had no idea these things were on my mind, because we had not discussed them before.  I had no idea she would be blessing me with this basket.  Of course, she gave me the basket before our conversation even started.  Clearly, this is a God-thing.

At this point in my life, you would think that such "coincidences" would not surprise me.  One recurring theme of this past year has been that God will supply all of my needs.  I don't even have to ask specifically.  My needs are always met.  Even in the midst of suffering, I can find comfort in the sovereignty of God, and know that He is in control of all things.  God has a plan.  It is a good one.

Considering my Christmas gifts so far, I am starting to think that there may be some domestic skills planned for my future!

Tunnel Vision

It probably would have made more sense if I had written all throughout my journey this summer.  There is so much growth happening in my life.  I don't always have the opportunity to sit down and put it all to words.

This summer was one of the busiest seasons I have ever faced.  That says a lot coming from me, because I know how to fill a calendar to the max.  I started out the summer with the plan of having a relaxing time, and a few activities.  The way it actually went was to go, go, go!  Looking back, I see that being THAT busy had a protective quality.  I was too busy to wallow in self pity.  I was too busy to think about all that I have lost this year.  I was too busy to spend much time in the depths of despair.  My maxed out calendar had me putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward without taking much time to stop and think.

All along the way, there were lessons and instructions to ponder.  Only, I did not have much time to ponder.  So, the lessons stacked up, one on top of the other.  I would hear a sermon, or Bible lesson, and think "ooh, that is good stuff!  I need to meditate on that some more."  But, there was not much time for delving into it, before our next activity.  The next thing brought about another lesson, usually something that added to the previous lesson.  I am totally impressed by the way God wove these life lessons together, piece by piece, throughout my incredibly busy summer.

My attitude was not very good through it all.  I would hear sermon after sermon about suffering, and causes of suffering, and such.  But, I would always moan and sigh about how trials stink!  Let's face it, when I am in the depths of pain and anguish, I relate better to Job's wife than to Job.  I am quick to cry out, "Why me, Lord!?!"  "This is NOT FAIR!"

Of course, my attitude was addressed during our Sunday School lesson on the book of Hebrews.  I understood the references about God correcting us like a parent corrects a child.  That makes sense.  I correct my children in love too.  But, that type of chastening goes hand-in-hand with our sins.  Knowing that God loves me enough to correct me has not been very comforting right now.  During that class, a list was generated, explaining the different reasons that we endure trials.  Although some folks prefer to focus entirely on the category of chastening being due to sin, there are actually other categories that are relevant.  One category is taking a stand for Christ.  Tough times come to those who boldly stand in their faith.  The category that jumped out at me the most during this lesson was the category that trials come to us for a lofty purpose of God.  Whoah!  That really built on the church camp lessons that it may not all work out for MY benefit, but it will work out for God's plan.  

Sure enough, the scripture passage above all the chastening like children stuff, is at the very beginning of Hebrews chapter 12.  The end of verse 1 and beginning of 2 encourages:

"....let us run with patience the race that is set before us, 

Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith;"    

Verse 3 warns to consider all that Jesus went through, himself, to keep us from being weary and weak-minded.

The whole attitude adjustment came to me as we read verse 11:   

"Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, 

but grievous; 

nevertheless afterward it yieldeth 

the peaceable fruit of righteousness 

unto them which are exercised thereby."

With that verse I was struck by the awesomeness of God.  He gets it!  God understands!  Chastening is grievous, when it happens.  (And in my opinion, grieving sucks!)

I get it!  I understand!  AFTERWARD is when the point is made.  

These trials are miserable when we are in the midst of them.

But, the lessons learned, the ways we are changed, the "fruit" that emerges, is the good stuff.

The way to have a better attitude in trials and challenges, is to look forward.  I've been told to keep an eternal perspective, so that the trials of life here on Earth seem small.

To add strength to my new perspective, the author of the book of Hebrews goes on to comment in the last verse, that the point is to serve God, and remember that God is in control.  

As if that is not enough, Chapter 13, verse 6 adds, 

"The Lord is my helper, and I will not fear what man shall do unto me."

Step-by-step I see why I needed a better attitude about the trials in my life.  I am reminded that God is in control, and everything will work out for His purpose.  The focus should be to point others to Him.  With God on my side, I can courageously move forward through this mess I call my life, and not be afraid of what is coming my way next.  

The light at the end of this tunnel is not daylight.  It is an oncoming train.

This year's trials are not over.  I see that clearly.

Let's recap:  Rejected by my husband who blamed me for his chronic health problems.  Marriage destroyed.  Family broken.  Husband leaves the home to live alone, and I am an instant single mother.  Baby boy dies half-way through pregnancy.  Grieving SUCKS!  Husband goes numb from recent 3 generations of loss in his life---his grandfather, his father, and his son.  He is the last man standing in that line-up.  His eyes are opened to the fact that he is dealing with a very serious, chronic health issue, that is completely out of his control.  Thankfully, he is able to take responsibility for the way he tried to blame it on me, apologizes, and works to build a respectful relationship with me, which is a great benefit to our family as a whole.  He seeks treatment.  I work on forgiveness.  Just when I think there may be a glimmer of light in this horrifying situation, I am bombarded with the limitations of the illness, and the amount of crisis we are still in.  Financial crisis takes its turn to rise.  I take a hard look at my career options, and what my family needs me to do now.  (I won't even go in to how hard it was for me to let go of my career plans when my family needed me to be home, only to have that completely shifted again 9 years later...).  I think I see what direction I am suppose to go, and that gets tweaked to get me more employable, faster.    Even so, we are on the slippery slope to foreclosure and bankruptcy.  Once again, I am reminded about the limitations of this chronic illness.  The trials are not over...

Right now, I feel as though my life is in a tunnel.  I cannot see all around me.  I must just keep moving one step and a time, forward, and hope that I will eventually see daylight.

Being an optimist and a planner, it is really difficult for me to live in the moment.  I have not been able to make much for plans this whole year so far.  That has not improved.  Every time that something positive occurs, and I start to think we are in the home stretch now, I actually end up sliding a few steps back.  Every time that I think I have an idea of what path we are on, I reach a hurdle and have to divert.  It is not easy for me to relinquish control, but that is what I am being required to do right now.  

Let Go, and Let God.

"....let us run with patience the race that is set before us, 

Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith;" ---Hebrews 12:1-2

My faith is being tested and grown.  Conveniently, my Pastor is doing a sermon series on spiritual growth.  Even the visiting missionaries seem to have my spiritual growth in mind.  It is a God thing.  The purpose is to point others to Christ.  

I have been so puzzled by that statement, because I think how in the world will others see the love of Christ in my suffering?  This makes no sense to me.

And then, I had a friend bless me with words that rendered me speechless.

She started out, during our visit, by saying to me that she has had the most awful, heartbreaking, difficult life she has ever known anyone to go through.  She thought surely no one has it worse than her.

....until she met me.

I laughed.  It struck me as funny.

The next day, I happened to see her again briefly.  She could not wait to re-iterate her point to me.  She told me that what she was trying to say is

"You are the only person who has been through worse than me, and you still think Jesus loves you!"

I looked her right in the eye and answered, "I know He does."

She smiled and said, "Exactly!  And, that is what you give me.  I need to know that in the midst of my trials, Jesus still  loves me.  And, you remind me of that."

I was speechless.

If I had an emotional response, I am sure I would have been flattered.  But, I was so much in shock that I was in a stunned silence.  In my heart, I was thanking God.  I get it now.  I see the Kingdom perspective a little more clearly.     

I still don't know where I am going, or how all of this is going to work out in the end.  But, step-by-step, I keep moving forward through the tunnel, waiting for the day when the light at the end of the tunnel is daylight, instead of an oncoming train.

NINE

Jersey #2 is NINE years old!

I fall apart at age 9.  It really hits me hard.  I had a tough time the year Mackenzie would have been 9 years old.  I was really emotional when Jersey #1 was turning 9 years old.  

Age 9 means that half of childhood is over.

Those 9 years sure fly by fast!

With Jersey #2, I am going back and forth.  I am shocked and emotional because half of her childhood is already over.  Then again, I am joyous that she has survived for half of her childhood!  (Her heart condition used to be fatal by age 5, not that long ago).  

The first 9 years of childhood are the ones where kids are more dependent on Mom.  I am quickly learning that the next 9 years are a steady stream of letting my kids gain their independence....and seeing how much they accepted my influence as they make their own decisions.  From my current standpoint, I would rather be back in the season where I had multiple kids in diapers, toddling, and napping.  The 9th birthday is a huge wake-up call to the fact that I have to let my children grow into pre-teens, teenagers, and young adults.  They are growing up.  No fair!

Sure enough, Jersey #2 has embraced being 9 years old.  She has already started to pay more attention to clothes, and friends, and listening in when adult are talking.  She has even taken to spending some time alone in her room, reading, drawing, or thinking.  There are positives too.  She is becoming more responsible for herself.  She is becoming more helpful.  She is learning to express her disagreeing opinions, without being rebellious or defiant.  She is starting to decide who she is, apart from her parents.  The journey is not over, of course.  It is just changing focus.  It also appears to be accelerating.

To celebrate her 9th birthday, Jersey #2 wanted to go to a nearby amusement park, for the day, with her best friend.  (and, the rest of her family could tag along too).

Thankfully, her friend was available for a day of fun like that.  It actually worked out that her friend was able to spend the night the evening before.  Jersey #2 was very pleased with the way her birthday celebration went.

For a gift, she asked for a Chemistry set.  The Referee and I could barely contain our excitement that one of our children was taking such an early interest in science.  We told her a chemistry set was indeed a possibility for a gift.  She then told us she wanted the Chemistry set so that she could explode stuff!

We found her a nice Chemistry set, and Nana added a lab coat, goggles, and beaker to go with it.  We started referring to Jersey #2 as our mad scientist.     

Granny & PawPaw sent her a check for her birthday.  That is part of their tradition.  At age 8, the grandchildren receive the birthday budget in money for them to spend how they wish.  Jersey #2 knew this money was arriving in the mail, and anticipated how early could Granny be.  When I took her to the bank to cash the check, she asked for the amount in $5 bills.  As we were walking out of the bank, she said she thought the stack of cash would be bigger.  Then she commented that she should have gotten her money in $1 bills instead, so that it would be a bigger wad.

We enjoyed pizza and ice cream birthday cake...

Then, spent the next day having tons of fun at the amusement park...

Church Camp is Supposed to be FUN

We had back-to-back trips this summer.  One week on the mission trip to the Navajo Nation was followed by a weekend to do laundry and pack all over again for a week at church camp.

My kids love church camp.  It is a fun get-away, with many outdoor activities that they do not usually get to enjoy.  Rock climbing, zip line, mud pit, to name a few.  Plus, meals are served in a cafeteria, and we bunk in dorm style lodges.  

Our church attends a church camp that is organized for a handful of churches in 3 different states.  It is pretty neat to see the way they come together for a common purpose.  In the two years our family has attended church camp in the past, our church has only had a few folks attend camp each summer.  

This year was quite different.  This year, we had a bigger attendance than ever before.  There were multiple families going, which meant other Moms (ladies from my church) to get to visit with, worship with, and get to know better.  I was really looking forward to it.  I was envisioning a vacation of sorts, with someone else cooking the meals and cleaning up the kitchen.  I would get to kick back, chat with the other Moms and let our kids enjoy the various fun activities.  Plus, I was looking forward to the lessons and bible study that was going to be taught.  It all sounded so relaxing.

I was in for a rude awakening at church camp this summer.  

I was required to grow.

That was not the 'vacation' I was expecting.

Don't get me wrong.  We still had fun.  We still enjoyed the getaway.  The whole experience was really good.

But, the lessons hit me very close to home.  

I was asked to be a sponsor for some very troubled teen girls.  I do not have experience with teens.  My oldest child is 10.  I thought I was out of my league.  Little did I know, those other ladies from my church, who were suppose to be there to fellowship with me on my 'vacation,' ended up being a team with me, as we ministered to these troubled teens.  Each one of us ladies was forced to face our own weaknesses regarding how we minister to children.....and each one of us was forced to watch each other's strengths show us a better way.  It was absolutely wild to 3 of us ladies, who were Moms ourselves, to see just how ineffective our parenting style can be with other people's children.  We each were stretched to our limit.  We each were put in a position to have to speak to each other about our own weaknesses.  It was not in conflict.  It was not in drama.  These are very loving ladies.  But, it was still difficult.  

One woman shared with me at church two weeks later that she felt church camp really humbled her to the point of feeling awful about herself.  One of the young adult ladies we were with summed it up well when she said that she thought we would all be processing the events of our week at church camp for quite a while.  All of us are certain that we were shown just how much we still need to grow.  Ouch!  

To make matters worse, our Pastor announced that his next sermon series was going to be about growing.

I could not contain my thoughts and immediately blurted out, "Oh no!"  

It was quite clear that church camp was a way for God to give us a good look inside our own hearts, and show us where we really are in our walk with Him.  To know that the next step in our learning is right before us is both scary and awesome at the same time.  God is amazing like that.

  

Blessed With Hotdogs

I did not reach out for help this past week, as I was enduring the worst week of my life.

But, help was plentiful all week long.

God is SO Good!

It started with my Mom giving me money for gas for my travels to her house.  I was really short on funds, and trying to make ends meet until the next payday.  I knew I could ask my parents for gas money, and they would generously give.  My Mom continues to tell me to let her know if I need anything.  I thought about asking.  I really questioned if I was to that point that I should ask for a hand-out or not.

I decided to not ask.  I decided to pray for guidance.  I knew that God would provide for my needs.  What I did not know is if I was the point of "need" yet, or was I just wanting to be comfortable and not worry about my bank account going empty.  I tried to calculate if I had remembered all of my expenses for the upcoming week, or was I forgetting about something.  I filled my van with gas, and took the trip, hoping that I had all of my bases covered until payday.  

I arrived at my Mom's house and found an envelope on the guest bedroom dresser that was labeled as "gas money" for me.  God provided for my needs, through my parents, and I did not even have to ask.  I did remember to say thank you.  I was touched by their generosity.  That money filled my tank again, giving me enough gas to return home and also to visit the Youth Ranch twice during the week.

Next, came cash from my sister.  She had a garage sale, and sold a desk that I had previously given to her.  Even though I no longer owned the desk, she gave me the money for it because she said it was mine.  I took that money, and the change I had in my change bank, and made a deposit, to put my mind at ease in case an expense came up during the week.  

Next came the dryer part.  My dryer was trying to break down.  A friend and his wife came over Monday evening to fix it.  He told me in advance that he had a part for it, but if the part was not necessary, he could return it easily.  I was nervous about the expense of fixing the dryer.  I was prepared to make the tough decision about whether or not to fix it, based on the cost of repair.  I was also willing to ask my friend if I could pay him back on Friday, which was payday.  It turned out that the part was needed, and it fixed up the dryer nicely.  My friend told me that I owed him absolutely nothing for parts or services, and that expense was already covered by someone else.  I have no idea if he paid for it himself, or if he was referring to a third party helping me out.  It was too vague, but I was grateful.  What a relief to not have a big repair expense.  In addition, my friend ran to the store and bought 2 bulbs to replace my security light in the front of my house.  

While I was sitting at the dining table, talking with my friend's wife while he fixed the dryer, I glanced over and noticed $5 sticking out of the bag that my sister had brought me.  I was puzzled because I thought I put the money she gave me for the desk into the bank.  I did not realize there was $5 still left in the bag.  How nice it was to have some cash on hand in my pocket.  How nice it really was when Jersey #1 ripped her swim cap during her meet Tuesday morning, and I had the $5 to buy her a replacement cap!  

The Lord will provide for all of our needs...   

Tuesday morning, I gathered up all the water bottles and random snacks I could find to keep the kids fed during the swim meet.  I had just enough items to keep them content, but nothing near what I normally have in stock.  I tossed the ingredients for Chili into the crockpot before we left that morning, so that I could assure the kids that there was a big meal waiting for them for lunch at home.  I had to say no to the request to join the swim team out for lunch after the meet.  There was no budget for a meal out.  

While we were at the meet, I received an email from my Pastor, asking if I could send out a reminder about the church potluck BBQ for the 4th of July.  It said to bring hot dogs, hamburgers, and side dishes.  My mind raced as I went over the contents of my fridge and pantry.  I had foods for making meals to get us through the week...chilli and enchiladas, for example....but I did not account for picnic or potluck BBQ foods.  What in the world was I going to bring?  (Now, I know that it would have been perfectly acceptable to show up to the church picnic without a dish to share.  Our loving church family would have been just fine with that.)  I tried to calculate my bank account from the top of my head to see if I had enough to buy some hotdogs or something cheap like that to bring.  Ugh!  I was going to have to look at the details at home, because I could not come up with a good solution, from the top of my head, right there at the swim meet.

As I was leaving the meet, I received a phone call from a friend.  Since I was in the midst of loading up the kids and the cooler and such, I did not answer.  My friend left a message that said I needed to let her know when I would be home, because the items she wanted to bring me could not be left out in the heat. I was expecting a bucket from her, but could not remember what else she was bringing me.  Since she is getting ready to move, it could really be anything.  I texted her back that I was heading home, and she could come over in an hour, and I would be there.

My friend showed up at my house with a 4th of July goody basket for me and the kids!  It was the coolest thing.  In addition to the bucket she had told me she was giving me, she had it filled with glow sticks, a cartoon movie, squirt guns, mandarin oranges, lemonade, hot dogs, and buns.  She was so excited to bring it to me, knowing that I was going to be having a tough week.  She wanted to do something nice for me.  Her husband suggested she get me a gift card, but she said I would only spend it on the kids.  Her friend suggested a movie-night themed gift basket, and that idea morphed into the 4th of July themed basket instead.  She could hardly wait for me to get home so she could bring it over.  I was flattered.  I was blessed.  I was touched.

But, what struck me the most was the hot dogs.  I shared with her how I had forgotten about the church picnic and did not include potluck foods in my budget this week.  I told her how I was racking my brain trying to figure out how I could scrounge up enough cash to buy some hot dogs or something to take.  I told her that I knew this was a God-thing, because how else would she know that I needed some hot dogs?  We both were amused when it suddenly dawned on her that she had brought me 2 packages of buns, but 3 packages of hot dogs.  She apologized for the miscalculation.  I started laughing and told her that the funny thing was that I actually had 1 package of hot dog buns in my freezer, but did not have any hot dogs to go with it.  

What a blessing to have plenty of picnic foods to bring to the church picnic.  Plus, all the kids loved the glow sticks and squirt guns.  Since risk of fire was such a danger that night, the glow sticks made great night-time fun on the 4th of July.  


God is SO Good!



Babysitting was another need this past week, and God provided.  Our regular babysitters were out of town for the week, and I did not realize it at first.  After they did not respond to my messages, I caught a clue.  I was not sure how I was going to find someone to babysit, even for lunch, on the 4th of July holiday.  Much to my surprise, a young lady from church was off work that day, and willing to come over and watch my kids.  Plus, she was willing to let me pay her when I saw her at church on Sunday (after payday), instead of that day.  (Actually, she was willing to babysit for free, but I didn't want her to do that.)

I also needed a sitter for Jersey #5 on Friday, because the older kids and I were scheduled to volunteer at a food bank.  Children had to be at least 6 years old, for insurance reasons.  Thankfully, I was able to contact a friend from church who was more than willing to have Jersey #5 over at her house all morning. I thought her daughter was at camp all week, which was why I hesitated to ask her to babysit.  But, it turned out the daughter was home already, and they were happy to have a tiny tot around to bring them some laughter after a tough week at their house.  It is such a relief to have such kind and loving people be willing to watch my kids when the need arises.

We were scheduled to work out at the Youth Ranch twice this past week too.  I thought it would do me some good to keep busy, but really I exhausted myself all week, when I was already emotionally exhausted from grief, in the first place.  So, it turned out to be a foolish idea to keep busy all week.  I did not want to fall short on my offer to work at the Ranch.  Thankfully, God took care of me there too.  I am usually asked to water trees or lead an activity, where I am with the crowd of visitors.  Out of the blue, Cowboy Max asked me to 'supervise' a junior volunteer who would be doing a task in the corral with the horses.  For safety reasons, he wanted an adult to be present while she worked.  Even though she had plenty of experience, someone needed to be available to get help if she needed it.  So, my job at the Ranch was to hang out and look like an adult.  That gave me lots of quiet time to think and no pressure to be real social and outgoing (which was something that I just did not have the energy for anyway).  Yet, I "looked" like I was helping and serving at the Ranch, and I was giving Jersey #1 an opportunity to work in the Junior Volunteer Program.  I still can't believe how well that worked out, when I thought I was going to totally tank on my commitment.  

I was dreading the 4th of July this year.  It was my 14th Anniversary, and I am estranged from my husband.  Plus, it is a holiday that our church tends to celebrate with a big social gathering.  It is not easy to be social when you are grieving a loss.  I had previously considered the idea of asking my husband if he would like to go out for a meal for our anniversary, but I did not have the funds to offer.  So, I had let the idea go.  Much to my surprise, my husband asked me if I wanted to go out to dinner to commemorate our anniversary!  He told me that he had been thinking about it, and it seemed that 14 years of marriage, and our 20 years together really should be recognized.  When I told him that was exactly what I was wanting to do this year, but I did not have any money to pull it off, he assured me that he would cover the cost.  What a treat!  I was able to enjoy a lunch date with my husband, and commemorate the fact that we are still married.  I was thrilled to actually reach another anniversary.  It has been a long year already, and a tough year at that.  So, taking the time to acknowledge where we were and where we are now, was great.  I enjoyed every minute of it.  The restaurant was nice.  The food was great.  The conversation was good.  I even enjoyed a laugh.  Coincidentally, it was the same restaurant that we dined at for our 13th anniversary, right after we had gone for massages, for the first time ever.  We were certainly in a different mindset a year ago, but it was so wonderful to see just how far we have come up from darkness and tragedy.

I thank God for that opportunity to take a breather like that, in the midst of this long journey we appear to be on.  I was at peace with the current state of my marriage and family.


It was even nice to be able to go to the church BBQ, and not feel sad or tearful.  Instead, I enjoyed the company and enjoyed celebrating the holiday with friends.  


As if the blessings were not plentiful enough all week long, my sister emailed me to suggest that she could bring Jersey #4 back from Granny & PawPaw's house, and take Jersey #3 in return.  I was planning to take that trip, but she took it for me because she was already coming to town.  It actually was our youngest sister's idea that she transport the grandkids like that.  It had not dawned on either of us that she could do the transport since she was coming to town anyway.  It all worked out beautifully.  I was able to see my sister, brother-in-law, and nephews, and I did not have to make a road trip to exchange kids with their grandparents.  That gave me more flexibility to go to the grocery store on payday, and have plenty of snacks and drinks on hand for Saturday's swim meet.  


By the end of the week, my perspective and my attitude were completely changed.  It was a major overhaul.  Every single detail of my life was handled, and not by me.  Every item that I thought about and tried to figure out in my own strength, was taken care of fully, even though I did not say a word.


I even found rest when swim practice was canceled due to lightning one night.  I told the kids that we were going to bed early that night, and I would start fresh earlier the next morning.  What a difference to get a good night's rest like that!


My Pastor told me that the friend who fixed my dryer had talked to him, so he already knew the dryer needed to be fixed.  He told me that next time, I should tell him when I have a need like that.  He said the same thing about the gravestone.  At the time I was talking about the gravestone, I told him that it was a personal desire, not a true need, so I didn't bring it up.  With the dryer, I had reached a point of deciding that I was just going to make due with what I had, and not expect to have more than I do.  I was not in the mindset of fixing it.  I was in the mindset of how can I get laundry dry anyway.  I have let go of my expectations for my life.  I have let go of my entitlements.  I am trying to stay focused on God, and living my life to serve Him.

Even though I know that my friends and family will help me with food and finances, so my basic needs will always be met, I do not find it necessary to ask for help right now.  Instead, I am waiting on God.  He supplies all of my needs, in His perfect timing.  He knows all of my needs without me even having to ask.  He knows my thoughts.  He knows my desires.  My prayer is that I will be aware of His guidance and direction for my life, and that I will live in such a way that is honoring to Him.

And weeks like this past week where I was too grieved to function, I simply put one foot in front of the other to keep moving forward, and God took care of everything....even the hot dogs.

God is SO Good!
 


            

Hanging Up the Washing

My dryer went on the fritz, and left me with a huge mountain of dirty laundry.

I'm talking a very tall mountain.  Sheets, blankets, and towels galore!

We have been swimming for the past 2 weeks, in addition to the fact that I have some bed-wetters.  Add that to the fact that it took me a few days to realize the dryer really wasn't functioning properly.

(Ok, when the mountain of laundry grew taller than the counter, and started blocking the back door, I had to admit there was a problem here.)

So, today I rigged a quick clothesline with some rope, across the window bars in front of our house.  The front of the house gets a tremendous amount of sun and heat.  The backyard has dogs who would love to pull down the laundry and chew on it for sport.  

I started washing load after load of laundry.  I would wash and hang 2 loads of linens for every 1 load of clothing.  The clothing went into the dryer and spun for an absurd length of time before it would dry.  

The response to my situation has had me entertained all day long.

One friend recommended a laundromat.  

Two friends offered to let me come to their house and use their laundry appliances.  I have the sweetest friends.

My Pastor reminded me that there is a washer and dryer at the church that I could use.  That did give me an idea for how I could keep us in jean shorts, if it takes to long to remedy my dryer situation.

One friend offered to take a look at the dryer and see if he can fix it.

My husband offered to research the make and model to see if there are some easy ideas for how to fix it. (Neither of us are very handy at such things.  I had already tried cleaning out the vent hose, and some easy things, that were of no help).

My Mom mentioned that she was surprised that her daughters even had clothespins.  I had to confess that I did not actually own clothespins, so I was just draping the linens over the rope.  (Then again, I did not even have clothes line, so I was using a rope that was used to hang the pinata at the most recent birthday party.)  I have never actually had to live out the life of my poor Southern roots.....before today.  

As we were returning home from swim lessons this morning, I mentioned to the kids that since our dryer was not working properly, I was going to hang a clothesline and do laundry the old fashioned way.

Jersey #1 looked at me very puzzled and asked, "You are going to wash the laundry in a lake?"

Um, no.  The washer works fine, and we do not have a lake.

Jersey #2 asked, "Are you going to make your own butter too?"

I just started laughing.

I suppose when they think of "old fashioned," they are thinking Little House on the Prairie, or colonial American Girl stories.  

Jersey #3 inspired me with his enthusiasm about the situation.  He seems to look at the world with eyes for adventure and fun.  He offered to help me hang towels.  He excitedly announced when things were dry.  He repeatedly said, "This is SO COOL!"  

He even stood between rows of blankets and towels and jumped out at me as I walked past.  He giggled at my response, and then said that hanging laundry outside makes a great place to play hide and go seek.  

Chutes, Ladders, and Oceans

My eyes have been opened a little further.

After going through a few days of feeling sorry for myself, and writing this post about my struggles within our broken marriage, I had a deep conversation with my husband.  He was very honest with me about how bleak things look for him right now, and how very limited he is in his abilities to cope.  He does not ever see being able to return home and restore our family.  He is convinced he needs to live alone, isolated from other people.

That conversation really shattered any previous encouragement I had, and chipped away at my hope that things can ever get better.  I was feeling pretty sorry for myself about my broken marriage and family.  I was pretty angry about the lack of solutions for mental health issues.  Where are the success stories?  Where are the self-help books telling us how to win at marriage, family, and life, when one spouse is suffering with chronic illness?      

I went to bed with the weight of the world on my shoulders.  I was reminded of just how dark things are right now, with no end in sight.  I was burdened by just how challenging things look to be in the future.  I felt stuck with no solution.  I tossed and turned and really had a tough time falling asleep.

Today, I learned that I have some pretty amazing friends.

I have friends who will listen attentively and give me a hug.  It is nice to have an ear and a shoulder like that.  Bless those friends who are willing to walk along side me and feel my pain.

But, I also have friends who are rock solid in reality and faith.  These are the friends who will tell me like it is, with no sugar on top.  These are the friends who make no apologies for their accurate quoting of scripture, and their bold questioning of my attitude.  

One friend challenged me, 

"Who is the accuser?  Who is telling you that there is no solution right now?  Satan is the accuser.  God is the answer.  God will find a way.  He already has the plan in place.  Right now you are overwhelmed and feeling like you are struggling in the middle of the ocean.  I don't know what is going to happen.  I don't know how he is going to scoop you up out of there.  But, God isn't going to let you drown."

This friends knows.  She knows what it is like to love someone who is so broken that he does not even have the capacity to return love.  She knows what it is like to remain faithful and committed to a relationship, when the rest of the world is advising cutting ties.  She knows what it is like to remain faithful to God's Word, and watch Him miraculously work in her life.

Her testimony completely changed my attitude.  You can't argue with someone who has walked in the trenches before.  

She also reminded me that my situation is not personal.  Sometimes people get so low that they can't even see a way out.  Sometimes they have to reach that point of relying solely on God, because they can't find any other options.  It is painful to watch from the sidelines.  But, it is a beautiful thing when they work through that spiritual struggle.  Learning to fully rely on God is a tough process, but it yields the most amazing joy and peace.  

Another friend gave me an analogy that made perfect sense.  She said that "recovering from a mental illness issue is like playing chutes and ladders."

I think that needs to be listed on the prescription bottles.  What a way to describe the ups and downs, that seem to come from out of the blue.

My friends have rejuvenated me.  They really took my eyes off myself.  I am not alone in the middle of the ocean.  That is a deception that is being used to distract me from the task at hand.

My life is part of a bigger picture.  The playing field is not level right now.

It is a game of chutes and ladders.

This week, we just landed at the end of the big chute.  It is time to stand back up and head towards the next ladder.

Vacation Bible School

This week, the children are attending Vacation Bible School with friends.  The church hosting the VBS is using Lifeway's Amazing Wonders Aviation curriculum.  I love Lifeway's VBS music.  The kids are still singing the songs from previous years.  This church gives the kids their own CD of the VBS music.  Two of my kids brought the CD home already and have been practicing the songs.  They are catchy!

Another blessing about this week of Vacation Bible School is that all 5 of my children can attend.  This church that our friends attend, has a big enough facility, and enough manpower, to house all age groups, even toddlers and preschoolers.  My kids really enjoy themselves.  My friend is a teacher in Jersey #1's class.  One of her daughters is in class with Jersey #2.  Her Mom is the Children's  Ministry Director.  Since I know both ladies and am quite fond of them, I am comfortable leaving my children  under their supervision and care.  I know they are in good hands.  That gives me 3 full hours to myself each day this week.  Respite!  

In our town, there are many churches and many VBS programs.  If desired, a family could attend VBS each week in June, July, and even the first week of August.  Some families do something along those lines, sending their kids to VBS all over town.  I have not had a desire to do that.

Even so, my children will participate in 3 different VBS programs this summer.  First is this Lifeway program at our friend's church.  Next, we will go on a mission trip where we will help out with a VBS at a chapter house in the Navajo Nation.  We will be joined by a youth group from Indiana, and will use the VBS curriculum their church uses.  Our final VBS will be with our own church, in August.  

Our church is part of the ABA (American Baptist Association), which has its own VBS curriculum.  I usually prefer the ABA curriculum the most, because the lessons use both the old and new testaments of the Bible, the daily verses are in the King James version, and the lessons are very solid Biblical teachings.  I also like that it is not the common curriculum used all over town, and  I like originality.  But, I will say that the ABA music is pitiful.  They really could use a few lesson from the Lifeway folks.  Our church usually ditches the music that comes with our VBS program, and organizes our own praise and worship or camp-style songs instead.

This summer, I am praying about the impact that VBS could have on my children.  Three of my children...Jersey #2, Jersey #3, and Jersey #4....appear to be ripe for spiritual growth, and have been engaging me in a lot of questions and discussions recently.  Jersey #3 and Jersey #4 are not saved, so my prayer is that they see the truth and come to a realization and decision about sin and their need for a Savior.  Each person is different, so I am not yet clear if they are getting close to a time of understanding, or not.  Both of their older sisters caught me completely off guard when they reached that point of understanding, so maybe I am just not good at detecting the progression.  Jersey #2 made a profession of faith a week after VBS two years ago.  She is currently struggling with some deep thinking about living a life of truth, knowing right from wrong.  She does not have a servant's heart naturally, so she has really been struggling and growing in that area.  

I have always felt the strong conviction to raise my children in church.  Through the years, I have detailed that goal to specifically raise my children in Christ, and live out my faith in front of them.  It is important to me to have opportunities like church, AWANA, mission trips, Upward sports, and VBS, to give a full array of methods to teach Biblical truths to my children.  It has always been my prayer that my children will come to know Christ, as their Savior.  What I did not realize is just how tough it is to watch my children go through spiritual growth.  Some lessons are painful.  Some are emotional.  Some are challenging.  As a mother, I would like to spare my children from any hardship, and guide them right to where they need to be.  But, faith doesn't work that way.  I can't force my faith upon my children.  I can't save them.  It is a personal decision, and everyone has the same freedom to choose.

God has a plan for my children.  I am suppose to teach them about God's love, and live out my faith in front of them, so that they will see faith in action.  God will equip them for the tasks He has for them.  

When I picked the kids up from their first day of VBS, Jersey #5 proudly announced,

"Mom, I was SO good today.  I didn't punch anyone!"

Yes, his standards of behavior are quite a bit lower than I would prefer.

Just like how Jesus meets us right where we are, I must meet my children right where they are and help guide them through the next level of their growth.      

Christian parenting is certainly not for cowards!  

Thankfully, just like the first VBS lesson taught, "God is Amazing!"

I am prepared to be amazed by what God is going to do in our lives this summer.  

Vulnerable

 This morning, I was standing the in kitchen, at the stove, sauteing vegetables, when I started crying.

I am dodging thoughts and emotions, left and right, and getting clobbered by a few along the way.  

At least I am not angry anymore.  That is something, I guess.

We switched internet providers, and the new service was set to be started up yesterday.  The Referee kindly took care of initiating the new service, and then came over on his lunch break to hook up the modem and have it all set to run as soon as the service was turned on by the company.  Much to my shock, a serviceman arrived at the door that afternoon, saying he was there to install.  I was not expecting an installation person, as everything was already in place, and nothing needed to be installed.  This man insisted he had to do the service.  In the end, he was wrong, and it was all set to be turned on.  But, he still succeeded in throwing me off my groove, and sending me in a frenzy. 

I do not like to be home alone, especially with my children, when service folks arrive.  I do not like strange men to come into my home.  I feel vulnerable, and unsure of how to keep the kids and myself safe.  Knowing this, The Referee has tried to set up service in the past, when he can be here.  I have always depended on my husband for protection.  

So, when this service guy shows up, I am in the middle of cooking grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup.  As I try to explain to this guy that everything is set up....and he insists that he needs to check the "box"....and that means I have to bring the dogs in so he can go out to the side of the house......and the soup boils over, and the sandwiches burn on one side.  In the end, none of that was necessary, and he didn't even need to be there.  He did nothing but cause me unexpected stress.

By the time The Referee returned that evening, to make sure all was running well, I was still in a state of agitation and frazzle.  As I retold the story to him, I caught myself admitting out loud,

I hate feeling vulnerable.

And, then, a light bulb went on.  That's it!  That is what is holding me back right now.  When I pray to God that I want my life to be in His will, I typically have the *fine print* request that I will be willing to handle anything as long as I don't have to feel vulnerable.  I don't like to be physically vulnerable, or emotionally vulnerable.

Right now, I am so vulnerable that it isn't even funny.  

I am not in control of our provision.  I am completely dependent on my husband taking the time to transfer money into my bank account each payday, so that I can feed the kids and pay the mortgage.  He has been faithful to do so, every single payday.  Still, it is up to him to make it happen.  There is no legal documents in place to require it.  He is in control of providing for us.  I can only make financial decisions based on what I have.  I am having to live entirely in the present, and make sure the most basic of needs are covered first.  This is an entirely new way of living for me, as I usually like to dream, plan, and set goals. 

I am completely vulnerable in the state of my relationship with my husband, and our marriage.  The vows have been extinguished.  Nothing is sacred.  I do not get to choose whether the marriage will survive or end.  I have no way of knowing what the outcome will be.  I can choose to take sinful actions of my own, or I can choose to remain faithful to my marriage, and wait and see what happens over time.  I have never been good at waiting patiently for something that I want.  

I am completely vulnerable to the ways that our broken family is going to affect the children.  My heart aches every time Jersey #3 or Jersey #4 tells me, "Mommy, I miss Daddy."  I give them a hug, and answer, "I understand.  I miss him too."  I am so clueless as to how to handle this situation that I just have to pray, "Lord, show me the way."  Jersey #2 is my deep thinker.  She is struggling with the status of her character.  Is she a bad person?  Is the stress of her heart condition what was "too much" for her father to handle?  I have been told by others that they blame themselves for their parent's divorce.  I do not want Jersey #2 have such thoughts and feelings, but I can't control how this situation is impacting her.    I hug her and hold her, and remind her how God sees her, and how I see her...how special and amazing she really is.  I just hope and pray that I am enough of an influence to keep her self worth afloat.  With Jersey #1 I wonder if it is too late, or will things ever be able to be repaired?  She acts completely un-phased by whether or not she sees her Dad now.  She is pleased to see him when he comes around, yet doesn't mention him any other time.  Has she given up on having him in her life?  Oh, I fear the consequences of that path.  This is the vulnerability I hate the most.  Broken families create broken people.  I never wanted my children to be broken.  I just pray that I can be enough of a stabilizing force to keep them on a healthier path than the generations before them.  

I am completely vulnerable about my own future.  What plans can I make?  I have always defined myself by my faith and my status as wife, mother, and career.  I had always planned to be Christian, wife, mother, and doctor.  Letting go of the medical career plans when Jersey #2 needed me at home, was tough.  Letting go of the role of wife, because my husband left me, has been humiliating, sad, and lonely.  Letting go of my plans for motherhood, because my baby Titus died, have been excruciating.  

On Sunday, I heard word that there had been a death in the family of one of my Dad's coworkers.  A 17-year old boy had been killed in a car accident.  He was set to graduate high school next week.  I thought about the pain his parents were facing, having just raised this child to near-adulthood, only to lose him so suddenly.  It opened my eyes to just how short life really is.  I decided it was time to stop dwelling about my own life, and just deal with what came my way.  Life is too short to be miserable.  Spending all this time on the "what if's" and "what could have been's" is wasteful and inefficient.

If I am meant to go through life as a single Mom who does not have a husband to love me, then so be it.  If I am meant to parent the kids myself, and train them the in way they should go, then so be it.  If I am meant to do my best to raise the 5 wonderful children I have, and not one more, then I will just have to accept that.  If I am meant to have some sort of a career in the future, I will just have to see how that unfolds for me.  The only defining trait I have not lost is my faith that God is in control.  He will see me through this journey.

I reflected on the Not a Fan sermons, and decided that it was time to take the stand that I would be a completely committed follower too.  I will deny my own plans, dreams, and expectations for my life, and I will follow God's will for my life instead.  

I have been starting down the path to Nursing, and thought I could find a more efficient way to get there.  Instead, it has been clear to me that the path is a steady stroll, not a sprint.  I had to give up my career plans before, so this was an easy one to say to God, "Ok.  I let go of my plans for this course.  I will go through each door when it is opened, and not try to race ahead."  I was pleased with my progress and the peace it brought me.

Yesterday, when my husband came over to set up the internet, and we talked about some financial matters, my anger toward him dissipated.  I was grateful for the ways he was providing, and the things he was taking responsibility for.  I said to God, "Ok.  I will be grateful for all the ways that my husband is still providing for our needs, instead of focusing on what I feel is missing.  I will continue to respect him.  If I am meant to go through the rest of my life alone, I will."  I was pleased with my attitude adjustment, and the peace it brought me.

The true test has come at me in a slow buildup, until I broke.  It started with a couple different friends who are newly married, announcing their pregnancies on Facebook.  Their comments brought back memories of the time when my husband and I were young, in love, newly married, and excited about growing our family too.  Such bittersweet memories of our innocence.  Next, came the announcement of a new cousin who was born into the family.  I was truly excited for the parents.  Babies are a blessing.  Then, when the pictures went up on Facebook, I looked at the beautiful bundle wrapped up in the hospital blanket, wearing the hospital hat, and my mind was flooded with memories of being in the hospital to deliver Titus.  He was too small for the hospital hat.  I thought of all of the baby pictures I have of our beautiful bundles, wrapped up in those hospital blankets.  I remember the joy I felt as I admired each new life that was given to us.  I am sad to face the fact that those experiences will only remain as memories for me now.  There will be no more bundles of new life, wrapped in hospital blankets, for me.  And then I met up with a friend this morning, who happily shared that she is pregnant!  In the same instant, I was so very excited for her, and so very pained for myself.  Jealousy.  This friend and I have shared so many pregnancies together, and tales of our experiences raising a large family.  She is continuing on that journey, and my path has diverged to a new direction.  As I drove home, I repeatedly looked up to heaven and asked, 

"Really God?  Do I really have to face this now?  Do I really have to endure this test where I learn to accept that I will have no more children, and walk alongside my friend and celebrate that she gets to continue this journey and live a life similar to the one I dreamed of for myself?  I can handle other people being pregnant.  But, this one is really close to me.  This is going to require me to actually let go of my own desires."  I argued, "But, it is too soon.  I am still grieving.  I don't want to let go of this desire now."

As I stood in the kitchen, cooking vegetables on the stove, God spoke to my heart.

"Yes, now."

So, I cried.

I cried because the truth stands alone.  I must deny all of my desires if I am going to truly follow God's plan for my life.  It is not easy.  Actually, it is quite difficult.  My entitlements have been strong.  Letting go of them leaves me weak and vulnerable.  

I feel vulnerable.

I also feel peace.

It is Ok if I am vulnerable in this life's journey.  I have no reason to fear.  God is in control.