I did not reach out for help this past week, as I was enduring the worst week of my life.
But, help was plentiful all week long.
God is SO Good!
It started with my Mom giving me money for gas for my travels to her house. I was really short on funds, and trying to make ends meet until the next payday. I knew I could ask my parents for gas money, and they would generously give. My Mom continues to tell me to let her know if I need anything. I thought about asking. I really questioned if I was to that point that I should ask for a hand-out or not.
I decided to not ask. I decided to pray for guidance. I knew that God would provide for my needs. What I did not know is if I was the point of "need" yet, or was I just wanting to be comfortable and not worry about my bank account going empty. I tried to calculate if I had remembered all of my expenses for the upcoming week, or was I forgetting about something. I filled my van with gas, and took the trip, hoping that I had all of my bases covered until payday.
I arrived at my Mom's house and found an envelope on the guest bedroom dresser that was labeled as "gas money" for me. God provided for my needs, through my parents, and I did not even have to ask. I did remember to say thank you. I was touched by their generosity. That money filled my tank again, giving me enough gas to return home and also to visit the Youth Ranch twice during the week.
Next, came cash from my sister. She had a garage sale, and sold a desk that I had previously given to her. Even though I no longer owned the desk, she gave me the money for it because she said it was mine. I took that money, and the change I had in my change bank, and made a deposit, to put my mind at ease in case an expense came up during the week.
Next came the dryer part. My dryer was trying to break down. A friend and his wife came over Monday evening to fix it. He told me in advance that he had a part for it, but if the part was not necessary, he could return it easily. I was nervous about the expense of fixing the dryer. I was prepared to make the tough decision about whether or not to fix it, based on the cost of repair. I was also willing to ask my friend if I could pay him back on Friday, which was payday. It turned out that the part was needed, and it fixed up the dryer nicely. My friend told me that I owed him absolutely nothing for parts or services, and that expense was already covered by someone else. I have no idea if he paid for it himself, or if he was referring to a third party helping me out. It was too vague, but I was grateful. What a relief to not have a big repair expense. In addition, my friend ran to the store and bought 2 bulbs to replace my security light in the front of my house.
While I was sitting at the dining table, talking with my friend's wife while he fixed the dryer, I glanced over and noticed $5 sticking out of the bag that my sister had brought me. I was puzzled because I thought I put the money she gave me for the desk into the bank. I did not realize there was $5 still left in the bag. How nice it was to have some cash on hand in my pocket. How nice it really was when Jersey #1 ripped her swim cap during her meet Tuesday morning, and I had the $5 to buy her a replacement cap!
The Lord will provide for all of our needs...
Tuesday morning, I gathered up all the water bottles and random snacks I could find to keep the kids fed during the swim meet. I had just enough items to keep them content, but nothing near what I normally have in stock. I tossed the ingredients for Chili into the crockpot before we left that morning, so that I could assure the kids that there was a big meal waiting for them for lunch at home. I had to say no to the request to join the swim team out for lunch after the meet. There was no budget for a meal out.
While we were at the meet, I received an email from my Pastor, asking if I could send out a reminder about the church potluck BBQ for the 4th of July. It said to bring hot dogs, hamburgers, and side dishes. My mind raced as I went over the contents of my fridge and pantry. I had foods for making meals to get us through the week...chilli and enchiladas, for example....but I did not account for picnic or potluck BBQ foods. What in the world was I going to bring? (Now, I know that it would have been perfectly acceptable to show up to the church picnic without a dish to share. Our loving church family would have been just fine with that.) I tried to calculate my bank account from the top of my head to see if I had enough to buy some hotdogs or something cheap like that to bring. Ugh! I was going to have to look at the details at home, because I could not come up with a good solution, from the top of my head, right there at the swim meet.
As I was leaving the meet, I received a phone call from a friend. Since I was in the midst of loading up the kids and the cooler and such, I did not answer. My friend left a message that said I needed to let her know when I would be home, because the items she wanted to bring me could not be left out in the heat. I was expecting a bucket from her, but could not remember what else she was bringing me. Since she is getting ready to move, it could really be anything. I texted her back that I was heading home, and she could come over in an hour, and I would be there.
My friend showed up at my house with a 4th of July goody basket for me and the kids! It was the coolest thing. In addition to the bucket she had told me she was giving me, she had it filled with glow sticks, a cartoon movie, squirt guns, mandarin oranges, lemonade, hot dogs, and buns. She was so excited to bring it to me, knowing that I was going to be having a tough week. She wanted to do something nice for me. Her husband suggested she get me a gift card, but she said I would only spend it on the kids. Her friend suggested a movie-night themed gift basket, and that idea morphed into the 4th of July themed basket instead. She could hardly wait for me to get home so she could bring it over. I was flattered. I was blessed. I was touched.
But, what struck me the most was the hot dogs. I shared with her how I had forgotten about the church picnic and did not include potluck foods in my budget this week. I told her how I was racking my brain trying to figure out how I could scrounge up enough cash to buy some hot dogs or something to take. I told her that I knew this was a God-thing, because how else would she know that I needed some hot dogs? We both were amused when it suddenly dawned on her that she had brought me 2 packages of buns, but 3 packages of hot dogs. She apologized for the miscalculation. I started laughing and told her that the funny thing was that I actually had 1 package of hot dog buns in my freezer, but did not have any hot dogs to go with it.
What a blessing to have plenty of picnic foods to bring to the church picnic. Plus, all the kids loved the glow sticks and squirt guns. Since risk of fire was such a danger that night, the glow sticks made great night-time fun on the 4th of July.
God is SO Good!
Babysitting was another need this past week, and God provided. Our regular babysitters were out of town for the week, and I did not realize it at first. After they did not respond to my messages, I caught a clue. I was not sure how I was going to find someone to babysit, even for lunch, on the 4th of July holiday. Much to my surprise, a young lady from church was off work that day, and willing to come over and watch my kids. Plus, she was willing to let me pay her when I saw her at church on Sunday (after payday), instead of that day. (Actually, she was willing to babysit for free, but I didn't want her to do that.)
I also needed a sitter for Jersey #5 on Friday, because the older kids and I were scheduled to volunteer at a food bank. Children had to be at least 6 years old, for insurance reasons. Thankfully, I was able to contact a friend from church who was more than willing to have Jersey #5 over at her house all morning. I thought her daughter was at camp all week, which was why I hesitated to ask her to babysit. But, it turned out the daughter was home already, and they were happy to have a tiny tot around to bring them some laughter after a tough week at their house. It is such a relief to have such kind and loving people be willing to watch my kids when the need arises.
We were scheduled to work out at the Youth Ranch twice this past week too. I thought it would do me some good to keep busy, but really I exhausted myself all week, when I was already emotionally exhausted from grief, in the first place. So, it turned out to be a foolish idea to keep busy all week. I did not want to fall short on my offer to work at the Ranch. Thankfully, God took care of me there too. I am usually asked to water trees or lead an activity, where I am with the crowd of visitors. Out of the blue, Cowboy Max asked me to 'supervise' a junior volunteer who would be doing a task in the corral with the horses. For safety reasons, he wanted an adult to be present while she worked. Even though she had plenty of experience, someone needed to be available to get help if she needed it. So, my job at the Ranch was to hang out and look like an adult. That gave me lots of quiet time to think and no pressure to be real social and outgoing (which was something that I just did not have the energy for anyway). Yet, I "looked" like I was helping and serving at the Ranch, and I was giving Jersey #1 an opportunity to work in the Junior Volunteer Program. I still can't believe how well that worked out, when I thought I was going to totally tank on my commitment.
I was dreading the 4th of July this year. It was my 14th Anniversary, and I am estranged from my husband. Plus, it is a holiday that our church tends to celebrate with a big social gathering. It is not easy to be social when you are grieving a loss. I had previously considered the idea of asking my husband if he would like to go out for a meal for our anniversary, but I did not have the funds to offer. So, I had let the idea go. Much to my surprise, my husband asked me if I wanted to go out to dinner to commemorate our anniversary! He told me that he had been thinking about it, and it seemed that 14 years of marriage, and our 20 years together really should be recognized. When I told him that was exactly what I was wanting to do this year, but I did not have any money to pull it off, he assured me that he would cover the cost. What a treat! I was able to enjoy a lunch date with my husband, and commemorate the fact that we are still married. I was thrilled to actually reach another anniversary. It has been a long year already, and a tough year at that. So, taking the time to acknowledge where we were and where we are now, was great. I enjoyed every minute of it. The restaurant was nice. The food was great. The conversation was good. I even enjoyed a laugh. Coincidentally, it was the same restaurant that we dined at for our 13th anniversary, right after we had gone for massages, for the first time ever. We were certainly in a different mindset a year ago, but it was so wonderful to see just how far we have come up from darkness and tragedy.
I thank God for that opportunity to take a breather like that, in the midst of this long journey we appear to be on. I was at peace with the current state of my marriage and family.
It was even nice to be able to go to the church BBQ, and not feel sad or tearful. Instead, I enjoyed the company and enjoyed celebrating the holiday with friends.
As if the blessings were not plentiful enough all week long, my sister emailed me to suggest that she could bring Jersey #4 back from Granny & PawPaw's house, and take Jersey #3 in return. I was planning to take that trip, but she took it for me because she was already coming to town. It actually was our youngest sister's idea that she transport the grandkids like that. It had not dawned on either of us that she could do the transport since she was coming to town anyway. It all worked out beautifully. I was able to see my sister, brother-in-law, and nephews, and I did not have to make a road trip to exchange kids with their grandparents. That gave me more flexibility to go to the grocery store on payday, and have plenty of snacks and drinks on hand for Saturday's swim meet.
By the end of the week, my perspective and my attitude were completely changed. It was a major overhaul. Every single detail of my life was handled, and not by me. Every item that I thought about and tried to figure out in my own strength, was taken care of fully, even though I did not say a word.
I even found rest when swim practice was canceled due to lightning one night. I told the kids that we were going to bed early that night, and I would start fresh earlier the next morning. What a difference to get a good night's rest like that!
My Pastor told me that the friend who fixed my dryer had talked to him, so he already knew the dryer needed to be fixed. He told me that next time, I should tell him when I have a need like that. He said the same thing about the gravestone. At the time I was talking about the gravestone, I told him that it was a personal desire, not a true need, so I didn't bring it up. With the dryer, I had reached a point of deciding that I was just going to make due with what I had, and not expect to have more than I do. I was not in the mindset of fixing it. I was in the mindset of how can I get laundry dry anyway. I have let go of my expectations for my life. I have let go of my entitlements. I am trying to stay focused on God, and living my life to serve Him.
Even though I know that my friends and family will help me with food and finances, so my basic needs will always be met, I do not find it necessary to ask for help right now. Instead, I am waiting on God. He supplies all of my needs, in His perfect timing. He knows all of my needs without me even having to ask. He knows my thoughts. He knows my desires. My prayer is that I will be aware of His guidance and direction for my life, and that I will live in such a way that is honoring to Him.
And weeks like this past week where I was too grieved to function, I simply put one foot in front of the other to keep moving forward, and God took care of everything....even the hot dogs.
God is SO Good!
But, what struck me the most was the hot dogs. I shared with her how I had forgotten about the church picnic and did not include potluck foods in my budget this week. I told her how I was racking my brain trying to figure out how I could scrounge up enough cash to buy some hot dogs or something to take. I told her that I knew this was a God-thing, because how else would she know that I needed some hot dogs? We both were amused when it suddenly dawned on her that she had brought me 2 packages of buns, but 3 packages of hot dogs. She apologized for the miscalculation. I started laughing and told her that the funny thing was that I actually had 1 package of hot dog buns in my freezer, but did not have any hot dogs to go with it.
What a blessing to have plenty of picnic foods to bring to the church picnic. Plus, all the kids loved the glow sticks and squirt guns. Since risk of fire was such a danger that night, the glow sticks made great night-time fun on the 4th of July.
God is SO Good!
Babysitting was another need this past week, and God provided. Our regular babysitters were out of town for the week, and I did not realize it at first. After they did not respond to my messages, I caught a clue. I was not sure how I was going to find someone to babysit, even for lunch, on the 4th of July holiday. Much to my surprise, a young lady from church was off work that day, and willing to come over and watch my kids. Plus, she was willing to let me pay her when I saw her at church on Sunday (after payday), instead of that day. (Actually, she was willing to babysit for free, but I didn't want her to do that.)
I also needed a sitter for Jersey #5 on Friday, because the older kids and I were scheduled to volunteer at a food bank. Children had to be at least 6 years old, for insurance reasons. Thankfully, I was able to contact a friend from church who was more than willing to have Jersey #5 over at her house all morning. I thought her daughter was at camp all week, which was why I hesitated to ask her to babysit. But, it turned out the daughter was home already, and they were happy to have a tiny tot around to bring them some laughter after a tough week at their house. It is such a relief to have such kind and loving people be willing to watch my kids when the need arises.
We were scheduled to work out at the Youth Ranch twice this past week too. I thought it would do me some good to keep busy, but really I exhausted myself all week, when I was already emotionally exhausted from grief, in the first place. So, it turned out to be a foolish idea to keep busy all week. I did not want to fall short on my offer to work at the Ranch. Thankfully, God took care of me there too. I am usually asked to water trees or lead an activity, where I am with the crowd of visitors. Out of the blue, Cowboy Max asked me to 'supervise' a junior volunteer who would be doing a task in the corral with the horses. For safety reasons, he wanted an adult to be present while she worked. Even though she had plenty of experience, someone needed to be available to get help if she needed it. So, my job at the Ranch was to hang out and look like an adult. That gave me lots of quiet time to think and no pressure to be real social and outgoing (which was something that I just did not have the energy for anyway). Yet, I "looked" like I was helping and serving at the Ranch, and I was giving Jersey #1 an opportunity to work in the Junior Volunteer Program. I still can't believe how well that worked out, when I thought I was going to totally tank on my commitment.
I was dreading the 4th of July this year. It was my 14th Anniversary, and I am estranged from my husband. Plus, it is a holiday that our church tends to celebrate with a big social gathering. It is not easy to be social when you are grieving a loss. I had previously considered the idea of asking my husband if he would like to go out for a meal for our anniversary, but I did not have the funds to offer. So, I had let the idea go. Much to my surprise, my husband asked me if I wanted to go out to dinner to commemorate our anniversary! He told me that he had been thinking about it, and it seemed that 14 years of marriage, and our 20 years together really should be recognized. When I told him that was exactly what I was wanting to do this year, but I did not have any money to pull it off, he assured me that he would cover the cost. What a treat! I was able to enjoy a lunch date with my husband, and commemorate the fact that we are still married. I was thrilled to actually reach another anniversary. It has been a long year already, and a tough year at that. So, taking the time to acknowledge where we were and where we are now, was great. I enjoyed every minute of it. The restaurant was nice. The food was great. The conversation was good. I even enjoyed a laugh. Coincidentally, it was the same restaurant that we dined at for our 13th anniversary, right after we had gone for massages, for the first time ever. We were certainly in a different mindset a year ago, but it was so wonderful to see just how far we have come up from darkness and tragedy.
I thank God for that opportunity to take a breather like that, in the midst of this long journey we appear to be on. I was at peace with the current state of my marriage and family.
It was even nice to be able to go to the church BBQ, and not feel sad or tearful. Instead, I enjoyed the company and enjoyed celebrating the holiday with friends.
As if the blessings were not plentiful enough all week long, my sister emailed me to suggest that she could bring Jersey #4 back from Granny & PawPaw's house, and take Jersey #3 in return. I was planning to take that trip, but she took it for me because she was already coming to town. It actually was our youngest sister's idea that she transport the grandkids like that. It had not dawned on either of us that she could do the transport since she was coming to town anyway. It all worked out beautifully. I was able to see my sister, brother-in-law, and nephews, and I did not have to make a road trip to exchange kids with their grandparents. That gave me more flexibility to go to the grocery store on payday, and have plenty of snacks and drinks on hand for Saturday's swim meet.
By the end of the week, my perspective and my attitude were completely changed. It was a major overhaul. Every single detail of my life was handled, and not by me. Every item that I thought about and tried to figure out in my own strength, was taken care of fully, even though I did not say a word.
I even found rest when swim practice was canceled due to lightning one night. I told the kids that we were going to bed early that night, and I would start fresh earlier the next morning. What a difference to get a good night's rest like that!
My Pastor told me that the friend who fixed my dryer had talked to him, so he already knew the dryer needed to be fixed. He told me that next time, I should tell him when I have a need like that. He said the same thing about the gravestone. At the time I was talking about the gravestone, I told him that it was a personal desire, not a true need, so I didn't bring it up. With the dryer, I had reached a point of deciding that I was just going to make due with what I had, and not expect to have more than I do. I was not in the mindset of fixing it. I was in the mindset of how can I get laundry dry anyway. I have let go of my expectations for my life. I have let go of my entitlements. I am trying to stay focused on God, and living my life to serve Him.
Even though I know that my friends and family will help me with food and finances, so my basic needs will always be met, I do not find it necessary to ask for help right now. Instead, I am waiting on God. He supplies all of my needs, in His perfect timing. He knows all of my needs without me even having to ask. He knows my thoughts. He knows my desires. My prayer is that I will be aware of His guidance and direction for my life, and that I will live in such a way that is honoring to Him.
And weeks like this past week where I was too grieved to function, I simply put one foot in front of the other to keep moving forward, and God took care of everything....even the hot dogs.
God is SO Good!
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