Random

I never wanted to be a single parent.  Single motherhood is not easy, and it is not ideal.  Yet, here I am.  I try not to spend too much time worrying about all the statistics about the outcomes of children raised in broken homes.  Broken families create broken people.  It is tragic.  The Bible explains the important roles of both mother and father in raising their children.  Psychology research shows the importance of both mothers and fathers in the home, raising their children.  Prison data shows the impact of fatherless homes.  Medical journals, talk shows, schools, radio shows, magazine articles....the list goes on and on.  I know the data is out there.  It haunts me.  So, I try not to think about it very often.  If I allow myself to spend time worrying, I will quickly become overwhelmed.  I am doing all I can to give my children a stable, healthy, home environment, filled with love and joy.  But, I know it is not enough.  It will never be enough.  I will always fall short of the ideal.  My children will be affected.  They will be broken, always feeling like something was missing.  My heart aches at the thought.  So, I try to not allow myself to think about it.  I can't control it anyway.  So, instead I pray.  

I remind myself that I am blessed to be able to have this time with my children, watching them play and grow.  It is a short, swift season.  I take pictures.  Random pictures.  Trying to capture a snapshot of the joy they bring me as they laugh and play and grow...

Jersey #2 looks so cute in braids...

Food on a stick is a favorite dinner theme at church...

We even ate cake on a stick...

Jersey #5 likes dinner at church, because I let him select his own meal...

Jersey #4 demonstrates how to behave for dental cleanings.  Jersey #5 was super curious about the process.  (He did great when it was his turn too).

Dress up fun...

Jersey #3 wanted to learn how to make pancakes on the griddle.  He is becoming quite a chef, but that first pancake experience resulted in a very large mess, along with tasty pancakes...

Jersey #2 has mastered the cartwheel...

Jersey #4 is very close to being able to read a Dr. Suess book on her own.  When the kids are able to read "Green Eggs and Ham" on their own, I say that they have learned to read.  (Versus learning to read).  Jersey #4 was determined to pick a different book, and show me she could read it on her own.  She wore out about a third of the way through, and still required help.  She is getting closer.  It won't be long before she is a more independent reader...

Motherhood is a blessing.

Nursing Assistant

It is official:

I am a trained Nursing Assistant.

I did it!  I completed the intense 7-week training program, which included 2 weeks of clinical experience in a Nursing Home.  Not only did I pass each milestone along the way, but I got an A!  

I am proud of myself.  Looking back, it is hard to believe that I found the strength, the time, and the organization to complete such a task.  I had a lot of help to care for the kids, and we made it through the 7 weeks and lived to tell about it.  The kids are happy to have me home regularly again now.

I learned so much in 7 weeks:  I enjoyed learning how to take vital signs (blood pressure, pulse, respirations  temperature, oxygen saturation), how to care for a bed-ridden or immobile person (bed baths, transfers, feeding, changing, dressing, etc.), and how to communicate with a person who is not healthy.  The medical skills were fun.  I was excited to get my own stethoscope and gait belt.  I felt official in my scrubs.  

I am totally employable now.  I even have a letter of recommendation from my instructor.

To be certified, I need to take and pass the state exam.  I am in the process of applying for that.  It is not yet clear how long it takes to get the "next available" slot for testing.  

Regardless of certification status or pursuit of employment, this Nursing Assistant course was a pre-requisite for Nursing School.  This first step is a great one, in that it opens up many doors of opportunity.

The most important thing I learned from this course is that I belong in Nursing.  That is definitely the career for me.  My instructor and fellow classmates were full of praise and encouragement.  It was such a raise in my self esteem to be consistently told that my personality and natural gifts were ideal for this field.  I started to look at myself differently.  I started to look beyond the current level of crisis and stress in my life.  It was so refreshing to have something positive to focus on for a change.

I was pre-med in college, but did not get into medical school right away.  All throughout my pre-med coursework, I doubted myself.  I knew I enjoyed healthcare--and I really enjoyed volunteering at the hospital---but I did not necessarily enjoy my classes and coursework.  I earned a degree in Biology, and worked in biomedical research.  Even though I received excellent reviews each year, and praise from my boss, my heart was not in the work.  I was not passionate about it, like I am about caregiving.  I am good at science.  It comes natural to my way of thinking.  But, I flourish when I am helping someone and making their life a little better.  Ironically, as I was completing my last semester of college, and applying for jobs, I commented to The Referee, "I should have gone to Nursing School instead."  This Nursing Assistant training course really opened my eyes to the fact that Nursing is definitely the right career path for me.  All thoughts about what my "next career" (after the kids are raised) should be, are clarified now.  I am certain that I am on the right path.  

I also learned that I am content to go slowly toward Nursing School.  I enjoy being home with my kids.  If I had to return to work to provide for my family, I would.....and I would be grateful for the time I previously had at home.  But, since The Referee is providing so well for us, and encouraging me to continue at home with the kids, I am thrilled to get more time at home.  Since Jersey #5 is only 4, I hope to progress slowly through my pre-requisites before I enter Nursing School full time.

The nicest thing about working motherhood is the affirmation.  When I am at home full time, the daily tasks seem never-ending and often unappreciated.  They are important, just not often noticed.  But, in the working world, there is constant feedback on a job well done.  Praise is abundant.  I would go to class and learn a new skills, or receive a good grade on an assignment, and I would feel accomplished.  At home, later, it only took washing one load of dishes, and cooking dinner to make me feel like I was Super Mom!  Plus, if I was in class all day, and the kids were in care with friends all day, then no one was home to mess up the house all day!  The house stayed cleaner.  Every little bit of household chores I accomplished on school days felt like I was going over the top in my level of accomplishment for the day.  I can see why some Moms say they need to have some sort of career for their own well being.  It is such a big difference to receive positive feedback regularly.  Full-time-at-home motherhood does not have the luxury of evaluating our progress so soon.  We repeat the same caregiving tasks for years, not knowing how our children will turn out in the end.  At least with a career on hand, there is a sense of professional accomplishment, while we wait to see the end results of the quality of our mothering.  

Now that I have had such a self-esteem boost, and academic achievement, I am even more flattered when my kids express how much they prefer to have me at home.  I have a new sense of value.

      

I Laughed

On Friday afternoon, I laughed.

It was a great feeling.  A big, hearty laugh.  To feel that much humor and amusement.  To enjoy the topic of conversation, and the company, and the moment.  It was awesome!

I have been thinking about that laugh ever since.

Something changed inside of me when I laughed.

For a moment, I allowed myself to enjoy life again.  I put my guard down.  

It has been a while since I have felt that way.  Certainly, the first time this year.  Possibly the first time in a few years.

The impact that moment of spontaneous laughter has had on me has been huge.  On some academic level, I am sure it signifies an element of acceptance in the grieving process.  To be able to accept life the way it is, and to continue forward is a nice point to achieve.  To enjoy life again.  To have joy again.  It has been a while, and it feels good to feel that good again.

Personally, I love to laugh.  So, to finally achieve that ability again, was incredible.  I feel like I have conquered something.  Conquered sadness?  Conquered grief?  Conquered disappointment?  I have no idea.  But, all of a sudden, I feel like a warrior.  New doors and new emotions have been re-opened to me.  I do not fully know how to describe it, but I absolutely love it!

That element of laughter returning to my life has drastically improved my attitude.  

In an instant, I am Ok with the way things are going in my life right now.  Of course, it is not ideal.  But, it is still good.  I can live, and grow, and be.  I am no longer just trying to survive crisis.  

I can count my blessings again.  They are abundant.

My children were so surprised by my laughter.  They just stared at me with puzzled expressions.  A couple children asked me if I was Ok.  Jersey #1 even asked The Referee if I was Ok.  We both had to assure her that I was just fine, and that I was just laughing.  I laughed myself to tears, and that really freaked the kids out.  They are used to seeing me cry.  They were not sure what to do when I was crying and laughing simultaneously.  

Tears of joy.

It has been a long time since I have had those.

What a difference laughter makes.

Growing Out Bangs

Jersey #1 has decided that she no longer wants bangs.  She wants to grow them out.  Apparently, this is the current style.  Most of her friends, and her older cousin, have long bangs to the side, or are growing them out completley.  I had no idea the trend had changed.

I think bangs look good on her....and usually look good on most little girls.  Bangs certainly looked good on Jersey #1 as a little girl...  

But, she is growing up now, and wants a say in her hairstyle.  I am Ok with that.

But, I am NOT OK with hair in the face.

I cannot stand to look at hair in the eyes.

I can't stand my own hair in my own eyes.  I keep my kids' hair cut away from their eyes.  I can't even get a sheepdog for a pet, because I would not be able to see hair in a dog's eyes either.  

Colored hair, tattoos, or whatever the teen cultural trend moves toward, does not trouble me near as much as hair in the eyes.  I am prepared to go round and round in battle with my children, just to keep their hair out of their eyes.  I can't handle it.

I am too sensitive when it comes to eyes.  My eyes water any time I see someone cry.  It can be in real life or a movie, and I will still tear up.  I can't have contact lenses, because there is no way I am putting my fingers....or a lens....near my eyes.  I can't even watch other people mess with their contacts, without it causing me to cry.  If I am speaking to a person who has longer hair in their face, near or covering their eyes, it takes all of my strength to look at them to make polite conversation....but it is very brief, and I have to turn away before the tears fall.  I hope I never have to witness an eye injury, as I am sure to pass out.  The thought makes me shiver.  

So, I told Jersey #1 that she could grow out her bangs, ONLY IF she kept them out of her eyes.

At first, she laughed at my request, and brushed it off.  She had no idea just how serious I was.

She now knows I mean business. 

We go round and round about those growing bangs in her eyes.  They do not bother her.  She thinks it is funny that they bother me.  Thankfully, she is a compliant enough child that she is not going to make this a battleground issue.  She just laughs and shrugs, and gets a hair clip or a headband each time I say something.

One time, I made her get out of the van, and return to the house to get something to put her bangs back.  That was when she realized just how serious I was about this issue.  We were running late, and I had already locked the house.  She was stunned when I got back out of the van to unlock the house so she could grab a hair clip.  From that point forward, she does not forget to clip back her bangs.

At church this week, I made a comment about her growing out her bangs, and how much it stresses me out to see hair in the eyes.  A friend jumped right up and said she would show us how to manage growing bangs.  Her actions were incredible!  I had no idea such a cool trick existed.

Even looking at this starting picture makes me want to cry...

Take a section of bangs on one side, and twist...

Grab the next section of bangs and twist it in with the first.  This is very similar to the idea of a French braid, only it is twisting the hair instead of braiding it.  Adding a section at a time to the main twist is what keeps it together and looks like a cute style (so much cuter than a unicorn-looking ponytail in the front of the head).

Continue twisting in a section at a time, until you get all the way across the forehead.  Clip the end to the side of the head with a bobby pin.  Insert the pin in one direction, then turn it and slide it up a perpendicular direction, to have it hold real firm.

THIS is a hairstyle I can totally embrace while still allowing my daughter to have the independence of growing out her bangs.  My friend has no idea just how much she has solved a major Mother---preteen Daughter battle, with a win-win solution...

Vacation Bible School

This week, the children are attending Vacation Bible School with friends.  The church hosting the VBS is using Lifeway's Amazing Wonders Aviation curriculum.  I love Lifeway's VBS music.  The kids are still singing the songs from previous years.  This church gives the kids their own CD of the VBS music.  Two of my kids brought the CD home already and have been practicing the songs.  They are catchy!

Another blessing about this week of Vacation Bible School is that all 5 of my children can attend.  This church that our friends attend, has a big enough facility, and enough manpower, to house all age groups, even toddlers and preschoolers.  My kids really enjoy themselves.  My friend is a teacher in Jersey #1's class.  One of her daughters is in class with Jersey #2.  Her Mom is the Children's  Ministry Director.  Since I know both ladies and am quite fond of them, I am comfortable leaving my children  under their supervision and care.  I know they are in good hands.  That gives me 3 full hours to myself each day this week.  Respite!  

In our town, there are many churches and many VBS programs.  If desired, a family could attend VBS each week in June, July, and even the first week of August.  Some families do something along those lines, sending their kids to VBS all over town.  I have not had a desire to do that.

Even so, my children will participate in 3 different VBS programs this summer.  First is this Lifeway program at our friend's church.  Next, we will go on a mission trip where we will help out with a VBS at a chapter house in the Navajo Nation.  We will be joined by a youth group from Indiana, and will use the VBS curriculum their church uses.  Our final VBS will be with our own church, in August.  

Our church is part of the ABA (American Baptist Association), which has its own VBS curriculum.  I usually prefer the ABA curriculum the most, because the lessons use both the old and new testaments of the Bible, the daily verses are in the King James version, and the lessons are very solid Biblical teachings.  I also like that it is not the common curriculum used all over town, and  I like originality.  But, I will say that the ABA music is pitiful.  They really could use a few lesson from the Lifeway folks.  Our church usually ditches the music that comes with our VBS program, and organizes our own praise and worship or camp-style songs instead.

This summer, I am praying about the impact that VBS could have on my children.  Three of my children...Jersey #2, Jersey #3, and Jersey #4....appear to be ripe for spiritual growth, and have been engaging me in a lot of questions and discussions recently.  Jersey #3 and Jersey #4 are not saved, so my prayer is that they see the truth and come to a realization and decision about sin and their need for a Savior.  Each person is different, so I am not yet clear if they are getting close to a time of understanding, or not.  Both of their older sisters caught me completely off guard when they reached that point of understanding, so maybe I am just not good at detecting the progression.  Jersey #2 made a profession of faith a week after VBS two years ago.  She is currently struggling with some deep thinking about living a life of truth, knowing right from wrong.  She does not have a servant's heart naturally, so she has really been struggling and growing in that area.  

I have always felt the strong conviction to raise my children in church.  Through the years, I have detailed that goal to specifically raise my children in Christ, and live out my faith in front of them.  It is important to me to have opportunities like church, AWANA, mission trips, Upward sports, and VBS, to give a full array of methods to teach Biblical truths to my children.  It has always been my prayer that my children will come to know Christ, as their Savior.  What I did not realize is just how tough it is to watch my children go through spiritual growth.  Some lessons are painful.  Some are emotional.  Some are challenging.  As a mother, I would like to spare my children from any hardship, and guide them right to where they need to be.  But, faith doesn't work that way.  I can't force my faith upon my children.  I can't save them.  It is a personal decision, and everyone has the same freedom to choose.

God has a plan for my children.  I am suppose to teach them about God's love, and live out my faith in front of them, so that they will see faith in action.  God will equip them for the tasks He has for them.  

When I picked the kids up from their first day of VBS, Jersey #5 proudly announced,

"Mom, I was SO good today.  I didn't punch anyone!"

Yes, his standards of behavior are quite a bit lower than I would prefer.

Just like how Jesus meets us right where we are, I must meet my children right where they are and help guide them through the next level of their growth.      

Christian parenting is certainly not for cowards!  

Thankfully, just like the first VBS lesson taught, "God is Amazing!"

I am prepared to be amazed by what God is going to do in our lives this summer.  

12 Years

She would have been 12 today.

Mackenzie.

Our firstborn.

She brought me into motherhood...

She took us from a couple, to a family...

She shares her birthday with her Daddy...

She arrived stillborn due to an umbilical cord accident...

Her tiny, precious feet, left huge footprints on our hearts...

We had to say goodbye, even before we had a chance to say hello... 

A Day Like This

I am not entirely sure how it happened this way, but we have managed to jam-pack our summer days.  

For example, today:

Jersey #1 had her very first swim meet this morning.  She was suppose to report to the pool at 6:30am.  Why is swimming such an early morning activity?  Our family is not accustomed to going to bed early and waking up early.  We did it anyway.  I put the kids to bed early last night....almost right after dinner.  I closed up all the shades in the house, and tried to make it look like it was closer to night time.  That is no easy feat in the summer, when the days are longer.  

I packed up snacks and a blanket, so they were ready to load into the van.  I laid out clothes for the younger 3 kids, because I knew they would be too tired to put much effort into getting dressed.  I gathered all of the ingredients for a crockpot chili to be put on in the morning, so we would have a hearty meal waiting on us when we returned.  Lastly, I plugged in my camera to charge, and printed out directions to the pool, before going to bed early myself.

I woke up at 5am.  That is rare.  I do not intend to make it a habit.  I had plenty of time to shower and cook some breakfast items before I woke the kids.  One-by-one, the kids managed to crawl out of bed, get dressed to the shoes, brush teeth and comb hair.  As they were ready, I had them sit at the dining table and eat.  The slower kids got to put their breakfast in a baggie to eat in the van.  Jersey #1 and Jersey #5 really surprised me with their cheerful attitudes first thing the morning.  They were both obedient when I sent them to bed the night before, and fell asleep quickly, so I suspect they felt like they had gotten enough sleep. 

We made it to the pool, and found seating in the shade, near friends.  We unloaded our luggage, set up a chair, and prepared for a big morning of fun and competition.  Jersey #1 was pretty nervous.  She turns into a robot, with a serious expression, and goes through the motions.  I knew she would warm up as the meet went on.

She swam 3 events:  25M freestyle, 25M backstroke, and 25M breaststroke.  I was completely stunned by how much her strokes have improved in just the 1 month of swim team practice.  She has achieved levels of ability that were just not happening during summer swim lessons.  I am totally impressed with the coaches on this team.  Jersey #1 did great.

She took 8th place in Freestyle, 6th place in Backstroke, and 7th place in Breaststroke.  After every event, her coach ran up to her and cheered her on for completing the race with ease.  It was neat to see how they praised her.  She was nervous first.  She was troubled that she was often in last place for the heat.  But, she was proud of her accomplishment, especially after the coaches pointed it out.  

While Jersey #1 swam, her younger siblings ate.

As the meet was wrapping up, the coaches mentioned that the team has a tradition of going out for a meal afterward.  We went to a nearby pizza place.  Even though they ate breakfast, and snacked all morning, my children were also able to eat an entire large cheese pizza!

I managed to have 1 slice of pizza before my children consumed it all.  

The fellowship with the swimmers and parents was a lot of fun.  It is a great group of people.  We already knew a couple families.  I enjoyed some conversation with my former boss, whose youngest son swims on this team.  Plus, I re-met a lady who had been part of our homeschool co-op a couple years ago.  She has a daughter with the same name as Jersey #4.  Another friendly lady introduced herself to me, and I learned she is the Mom of two of the coaches, including Jersey #1's coach.  One month of practice, and one swim meet, and I am already a big fan of this team.  

On the way home, Jersey #1 asked if we could go bowling that afternoon.  Everyone was in good spirits, so we invited a friend and headed out to the bowling alley for a couple games through the Kids Bowl Free program.  I joined in on the fun, and we had a blast.

I am pretty sure that Jersey #4 is in for a major growth spurt.  In addition to asking for a 2nd bowl of spaghetti last night (which she never does), and also asked for a 2nd slice of pizza (which she seldom does).  Then, she fell asleep in the van on the way to bowling, AND started laying down to watch her ball complete its path...

Once we returned home, I started to tackle the laundry and dishes that have been piling up.  The kids helped feed the dogs, and unload the van.  Laundry managed to get washed and dried, but it is still sitting on the couch, waiting to be folded.

We ate crockpot chili for dinner.  The older 3 children ate twice as much as usual.  There are hardly any leftovers, which is so odd.

I gave the younger 4 kids a haircut.

The younger 3 kids took a bath.

I trimmed fingernails and toe nails.

The kids brushed their teeth and put on PJs.  I tucked them into bed.

Then, I sat down at my computer to work on my assignments for the Nutrition class I am taking online.  I am really liking this online course option.  I do most of my studying after the kids are in bed. 

I am exhausted.  I wrote this blog post just so I could see how busy I was today, so that I can justify my exhaustion.  

Yep, it is justified.

It is now time to hang up my clean laundry, to clear my bed.  I am hoping to read my Sunday School lesson materials before I go to sleep.  Thankfully, tomorrow is Sunday.  I manage to get more rest on Sundays.  I am going to need it.  If I thought this week was intense, next week is bound to be wilder.

The Road to Orthodontia

Jersey #2 had an appointment with an Orthodontist this afternoon.

That was an adventure.

Everything is an adventure with Jersey #2.  You would think that I would be used to it by now.

From the time that Jersey #1 was two years old, I have been told that she will need Orthodontic treatment.  No surprise there.  My sisters and I all had braces.  We have big teeth and small jaws.  It happens.  Jersey #1 also has a couple gum issues that are suppose to be addressed by the Orthodontist as well.  All these years, I have been waiting for the visit when the dentist would announce that it was time for Jersey #1 to go for an Orthodontic consultation.  Much to my surprise, our new pediatric dentist announced that Jersey #2 needs an Orthodontic consultation immediately, and Jersey #1 will most likely be able to wait until around age 12, when all of her permanent teeth have emerged.  I did not see that coming!

In addition to very large adult teeth, and a very small jawbone structure, Jersey #2 has a crossbite.  On one side of her mouth, her top teeth fit over her bottom teeth.  By the time we look at the other side of her mouth, her bottom teeth fit over her top teeth.  

The problem that suggested to the dentist that it was time to meet an Orthodontist, was her severe overcrowding.  On Easter, Jersey #2 lost a tooth that was not suppose to fall out for another couple years.  Her adult teeth are so crowded that they are now pushing baby teeth out of their way.  

Our pediatric dentist gave us a recommendation for an Orthodontist.  I had not taken the time to research Orthodontists yet, so I made a point to inquire with my friends on Facebook.  In the past few years, I have paid attention to Orthodontist threads and conversations, to prepare myself for what to expect.  When I was a young teenager, my Orthodontist pulled the first four molars in my mouth, to make room for my incisors that were growing in front like fangs.  Nowadays, I hear from other parents that pulling teeth is not the preferred method, and expanding the upper jaw is more common, to make room for the teeth.  I have also heard rumors that some Orthodontists push for treatment on young kids, which is twice as expensive because they often also need treatment during the usual young teen time frame, after the permanent teeth are in.  I have observed more 10-12 year olds in braces these days.  I was pleased when my friends assured me that the Orthodontist we were referred to was really good, and quite conservative in his treatments.  A nice guy who doesn't push for treatment, and doesn't charge until treatment actually begins!  When his office staff were extremely sweet on the phone, I was even more encouraged.

The Orthodontist and Jersey #2 hit it off right away.  She said he was "very friendly."  He commented that she was "funny."  When a provider enjoys a visit with Jersey #2, then I know that they really enjoy their work.  Jersey #2 never follows the textbook.  She is always a challenge, that doesn't always make sense.  When the Orthodontist made a point to bring up her need for antibiotics prior to treatment....and to explain which treatments would need the pre-med....I knew we had found the right Orthodontist!  

I almost forgot what it was like to take Jersey #2 somewhere by herself.  She has so much energy, and just climbs the walls.  She explored every detail of the office, from the big couch in the waiting room to the electrical socket in the floor near the chair.  She was up and down and all around the place.  It is amusing to me that she is still this energetic and curious at 8 years old.  

She was this way as a toddler, and it was exhausting.  I was reminded of the time I took her to the urgent care when she was 2 years old, because he was sick and not acting herself.  I told the Doctor that Jersey #2 had much lower energy than usual.  The Doctor had such a puzzled expression on her face as she watched Jersey #2 climb all over the exam table, and jump off it.  She just could not believe me when I said her energy level was much lower than usual.  (Jersey #2 did have an ear infection and a sinus infection at the time, so she was treated anyway, in spite of her "energy" level).

I was internally amused when this "conservative" Orthodontist, who has a reputation for not pushing treatments, especially at younger ages, recommended some pretty heavy-duty treatment for Jersey #2.  I was not surprised (because this is just the way things go for Jersey #2), but I was amused.  There are going to be 2 phases of treatment for her.  By the time she is grown, she will have an 8 thousand dollar smile to go with her multi-million dollar heart!  Praise God for Health Savings Accounts and interest-free payment plans!

Phase 1 pertains to the treatment while she still has baby teeth in her mouth.  Phase 2 will be the normal braces process after all of the adult teeth are in.  The goal of Phase 1 is to expand her upper jaw, and make some room for those big teeth.  Thankfully, her crossbite is not a true crossbite.  It turns out that her teeth do align midline, but she compensates by adjusting her jaw into a crossbite to get her teeth to touch and be more comfortable.  The Orthodontist was able to get her to hold her teeth in proper alignment.  Jersey #2 thought that made her mouth and facial expression look "mad."  So, we started calling it her "growl" face.

    

Even with the expander treatment, there is a big chance that Jersey #2 may need to have some teeth pulled anyway.  The crowding on the bottom jaw is so bad that her permanent incisors are starting to turn sideways under the gums.  It would be a mess if those become impacted.  So, the Orthodontist hopes to monitor them for the next 6 months and see if they will make attempts to come upward.  If not, she may need to have some baby teeth pulled, spacers put in to keep permanent teeth from taking up the space, just to encourage those incisors to come up.  

Jersey #2 is taking it all in stride.  She was excited to hear that she will get braces put on 6 of her top front teeth.  There are many colors of bands that can go on those braces.  Jersey #2 wants to get a band in each color of the rainbow, so 6 braces is a perfect number for her plan!  

I wish I had her spirit to find the rainbow in my life's abnormalities.  

What a heavenly gift she is!

Vulnerable

 This morning, I was standing the in kitchen, at the stove, sauteing vegetables, when I started crying.

I am dodging thoughts and emotions, left and right, and getting clobbered by a few along the way.  

At least I am not angry anymore.  That is something, I guess.

We switched internet providers, and the new service was set to be started up yesterday.  The Referee kindly took care of initiating the new service, and then came over on his lunch break to hook up the modem and have it all set to run as soon as the service was turned on by the company.  Much to my shock, a serviceman arrived at the door that afternoon, saying he was there to install.  I was not expecting an installation person, as everything was already in place, and nothing needed to be installed.  This man insisted he had to do the service.  In the end, he was wrong, and it was all set to be turned on.  But, he still succeeded in throwing me off my groove, and sending me in a frenzy. 

I do not like to be home alone, especially with my children, when service folks arrive.  I do not like strange men to come into my home.  I feel vulnerable, and unsure of how to keep the kids and myself safe.  Knowing this, The Referee has tried to set up service in the past, when he can be here.  I have always depended on my husband for protection.  

So, when this service guy shows up, I am in the middle of cooking grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup.  As I try to explain to this guy that everything is set up....and he insists that he needs to check the "box"....and that means I have to bring the dogs in so he can go out to the side of the house......and the soup boils over, and the sandwiches burn on one side.  In the end, none of that was necessary, and he didn't even need to be there.  He did nothing but cause me unexpected stress.

By the time The Referee returned that evening, to make sure all was running well, I was still in a state of agitation and frazzle.  As I retold the story to him, I caught myself admitting out loud,

I hate feeling vulnerable.

And, then, a light bulb went on.  That's it!  That is what is holding me back right now.  When I pray to God that I want my life to be in His will, I typically have the *fine print* request that I will be willing to handle anything as long as I don't have to feel vulnerable.  I don't like to be physically vulnerable, or emotionally vulnerable.

Right now, I am so vulnerable that it isn't even funny.  

I am not in control of our provision.  I am completely dependent on my husband taking the time to transfer money into my bank account each payday, so that I can feed the kids and pay the mortgage.  He has been faithful to do so, every single payday.  Still, it is up to him to make it happen.  There is no legal documents in place to require it.  He is in control of providing for us.  I can only make financial decisions based on what I have.  I am having to live entirely in the present, and make sure the most basic of needs are covered first.  This is an entirely new way of living for me, as I usually like to dream, plan, and set goals. 

I am completely vulnerable in the state of my relationship with my husband, and our marriage.  The vows have been extinguished.  Nothing is sacred.  I do not get to choose whether the marriage will survive or end.  I have no way of knowing what the outcome will be.  I can choose to take sinful actions of my own, or I can choose to remain faithful to my marriage, and wait and see what happens over time.  I have never been good at waiting patiently for something that I want.  

I am completely vulnerable to the ways that our broken family is going to affect the children.  My heart aches every time Jersey #3 or Jersey #4 tells me, "Mommy, I miss Daddy."  I give them a hug, and answer, "I understand.  I miss him too."  I am so clueless as to how to handle this situation that I just have to pray, "Lord, show me the way."  Jersey #2 is my deep thinker.  She is struggling with the status of her character.  Is she a bad person?  Is the stress of her heart condition what was "too much" for her father to handle?  I have been told by others that they blame themselves for their parent's divorce.  I do not want Jersey #2 have such thoughts and feelings, but I can't control how this situation is impacting her.    I hug her and hold her, and remind her how God sees her, and how I see her...how special and amazing she really is.  I just hope and pray that I am enough of an influence to keep her self worth afloat.  With Jersey #1 I wonder if it is too late, or will things ever be able to be repaired?  She acts completely un-phased by whether or not she sees her Dad now.  She is pleased to see him when he comes around, yet doesn't mention him any other time.  Has she given up on having him in her life?  Oh, I fear the consequences of that path.  This is the vulnerability I hate the most.  Broken families create broken people.  I never wanted my children to be broken.  I just pray that I can be enough of a stabilizing force to keep them on a healthier path than the generations before them.  

I am completely vulnerable about my own future.  What plans can I make?  I have always defined myself by my faith and my status as wife, mother, and career.  I had always planned to be Christian, wife, mother, and doctor.  Letting go of the medical career plans when Jersey #2 needed me at home, was tough.  Letting go of the role of wife, because my husband left me, has been humiliating, sad, and lonely.  Letting go of my plans for motherhood, because my baby Titus died, have been excruciating.  

On Sunday, I heard word that there had been a death in the family of one of my Dad's coworkers.  A 17-year old boy had been killed in a car accident.  He was set to graduate high school next week.  I thought about the pain his parents were facing, having just raised this child to near-adulthood, only to lose him so suddenly.  It opened my eyes to just how short life really is.  I decided it was time to stop dwelling about my own life, and just deal with what came my way.  Life is too short to be miserable.  Spending all this time on the "what if's" and "what could have been's" is wasteful and inefficient.

If I am meant to go through life as a single Mom who does not have a husband to love me, then so be it.  If I am meant to parent the kids myself, and train them the in way they should go, then so be it.  If I am meant to do my best to raise the 5 wonderful children I have, and not one more, then I will just have to accept that.  If I am meant to have some sort of a career in the future, I will just have to see how that unfolds for me.  The only defining trait I have not lost is my faith that God is in control.  He will see me through this journey.

I reflected on the Not a Fan sermons, and decided that it was time to take the stand that I would be a completely committed follower too.  I will deny my own plans, dreams, and expectations for my life, and I will follow God's will for my life instead.  

I have been starting down the path to Nursing, and thought I could find a more efficient way to get there.  Instead, it has been clear to me that the path is a steady stroll, not a sprint.  I had to give up my career plans before, so this was an easy one to say to God, "Ok.  I let go of my plans for this course.  I will go through each door when it is opened, and not try to race ahead."  I was pleased with my progress and the peace it brought me.

Yesterday, when my husband came over to set up the internet, and we talked about some financial matters, my anger toward him dissipated.  I was grateful for the ways he was providing, and the things he was taking responsibility for.  I said to God, "Ok.  I will be grateful for all the ways that my husband is still providing for our needs, instead of focusing on what I feel is missing.  I will continue to respect him.  If I am meant to go through the rest of my life alone, I will."  I was pleased with my attitude adjustment, and the peace it brought me.

The true test has come at me in a slow buildup, until I broke.  It started with a couple different friends who are newly married, announcing their pregnancies on Facebook.  Their comments brought back memories of the time when my husband and I were young, in love, newly married, and excited about growing our family too.  Such bittersweet memories of our innocence.  Next, came the announcement of a new cousin who was born into the family.  I was truly excited for the parents.  Babies are a blessing.  Then, when the pictures went up on Facebook, I looked at the beautiful bundle wrapped up in the hospital blanket, wearing the hospital hat, and my mind was flooded with memories of being in the hospital to deliver Titus.  He was too small for the hospital hat.  I thought of all of the baby pictures I have of our beautiful bundles, wrapped up in those hospital blankets.  I remember the joy I felt as I admired each new life that was given to us.  I am sad to face the fact that those experiences will only remain as memories for me now.  There will be no more bundles of new life, wrapped in hospital blankets, for me.  And then I met up with a friend this morning, who happily shared that she is pregnant!  In the same instant, I was so very excited for her, and so very pained for myself.  Jealousy.  This friend and I have shared so many pregnancies together, and tales of our experiences raising a large family.  She is continuing on that journey, and my path has diverged to a new direction.  As I drove home, I repeatedly looked up to heaven and asked, 

"Really God?  Do I really have to face this now?  Do I really have to endure this test where I learn to accept that I will have no more children, and walk alongside my friend and celebrate that she gets to continue this journey and live a life similar to the one I dreamed of for myself?  I can handle other people being pregnant.  But, this one is really close to me.  This is going to require me to actually let go of my own desires."  I argued, "But, it is too soon.  I am still grieving.  I don't want to let go of this desire now."

As I stood in the kitchen, cooking vegetables on the stove, God spoke to my heart.

"Yes, now."

So, I cried.

I cried because the truth stands alone.  I must deny all of my desires if I am going to truly follow God's plan for my life.  It is not easy.  Actually, it is quite difficult.  My entitlements have been strong.  Letting go of them leaves me weak and vulnerable.  

I feel vulnerable.

I also feel peace.

It is Ok if I am vulnerable in this life's journey.  I have no reason to fear.  God is in control.

                 

      

Spontaneous

We were returning home the other day, and drove past the park.  One of the kids asked, "Hey Mom, when do you think we can go ride our bikes at the park again?"

I shocked all of my children with my response,

"Right now!  Go use the potty, get your helmets on, and grab your bikes.  This is great time to go to the park."

They were stunned.

At first, they were not sure if I was joking or serious.

I had to repeat myself, and assure them I was serious.

They were waiting for me to give them a long-listed excuse as to why we could not visit the park that day.  I have given plenty of excuses on other days.

One of the changes I am trying to make right now is to seize more opportunity for fun with the kids.  This season is short.  We have enough stress to deal with, and it does not appear to be going away anytime soon.  So, I am trying to make those memories that will be positive instead.  

The kids all have new bicycles from Christmas.  Everyone has a helmet that fits.  The park was newly renovated, and is perfect for riding around (where Mom can see them all clearly).  Opportunity is present!

We had a blast.  The kids get stronger and stronger in their pedaling and riding skills each time.  Some of the kids....Jersey #3 and Jersey #4 specifically....are way too daring on their bikes for my taste, but we all left with our teeth intact, so I call it a good day.