Thanksgiving

Well, I have certainly taken a break from blogging for a while.  Life got busy.  I appear to have reached my photo limit on Picasa  so adding photos to my blog became a challenge.  I haven't been able to put things into words for a while, even though so much was happening in my thoughts.  So, I took a break.  Well, tonight, I decided to unload the pictures from my camera to my computer, and that has inspired me to update my blog.  We will see how far I get through this busy holiday season.  

Thanksgiving.

The kids and I had a great Thanksgiving holiday this year.  I was starting to get a grip on life again, and finally feeling like I was not as consumed with grief.  Dare I say I was starting to live a little, too.  My youngest sister and her family were going to be visiting our parents for a couple weeks, and our middle sister offered to host a big family Thanksgiving at her house.  The idea of getting the 3 sisters together again....along with our parents.....and the 11 grandbabies, was too exciting to miss!  Considering the youngest grandchild was born this year, this was the first time we were all going to be together.  Being the photo-loving family that we are, we planned a family photo for the occasion as well.

Everything turned out great.  I was especially spoiled.  The kids and I made the drive to my sister's house.  We did not have to prepare any food or bring anything.  She did all the cooking, with the help of both of my brothers-in-law.  We took photos before the meal, when everyone was freshly dressed and happy to be together.  The photos turned out great.  The meal was delicious.  The kids got along incredibly well.  It was a really fun time.  It was sweet to see my parents surrounded by all of their grandchildren at the same time.  

That evening, we drove to my parent's house for the night.  Then, we drove home the next morning.  (I prefer to drive during the daylight).  As I was driving, I thought about how nice this Thanksgiving was.  We made some great memories, and even cuter photos.  I would say it was one of my best Thanksgiving celebrations.

My absolute favorite Thanksgiving memory was in 2003.  Jersey #2 had just survived open-heart surgery the week before.  She was home from the hospital, we were home from California, and Jersey #1 was home from Granny & PawPaw's house.  Our family was alive, healthy, and reunited again.  Due to the high risk of germs and post surgery recovery, we stayed in isolation.  We did not invite anyone to the house, and we did not travel anywhere.  We stayed home and enjoyed a simple celebration.  We had so much to be thankful for that year.  A living, breathing, 3-month old, and her super sweet big sister were at the top of the list.  We had just endured a great roller coaster of stress and emotion, so the down time was a huge blessing.

Blessed With Hotdogs

I did not reach out for help this past week, as I was enduring the worst week of my life.

But, help was plentiful all week long.

God is SO Good!

It started with my Mom giving me money for gas for my travels to her house.  I was really short on funds, and trying to make ends meet until the next payday.  I knew I could ask my parents for gas money, and they would generously give.  My Mom continues to tell me to let her know if I need anything.  I thought about asking.  I really questioned if I was to that point that I should ask for a hand-out or not.

I decided to not ask.  I decided to pray for guidance.  I knew that God would provide for my needs.  What I did not know is if I was the point of "need" yet, or was I just wanting to be comfortable and not worry about my bank account going empty.  I tried to calculate if I had remembered all of my expenses for the upcoming week, or was I forgetting about something.  I filled my van with gas, and took the trip, hoping that I had all of my bases covered until payday.  

I arrived at my Mom's house and found an envelope on the guest bedroom dresser that was labeled as "gas money" for me.  God provided for my needs, through my parents, and I did not even have to ask.  I did remember to say thank you.  I was touched by their generosity.  That money filled my tank again, giving me enough gas to return home and also to visit the Youth Ranch twice during the week.

Next, came cash from my sister.  She had a garage sale, and sold a desk that I had previously given to her.  Even though I no longer owned the desk, she gave me the money for it because she said it was mine.  I took that money, and the change I had in my change bank, and made a deposit, to put my mind at ease in case an expense came up during the week.  

Next came the dryer part.  My dryer was trying to break down.  A friend and his wife came over Monday evening to fix it.  He told me in advance that he had a part for it, but if the part was not necessary, he could return it easily.  I was nervous about the expense of fixing the dryer.  I was prepared to make the tough decision about whether or not to fix it, based on the cost of repair.  I was also willing to ask my friend if I could pay him back on Friday, which was payday.  It turned out that the part was needed, and it fixed up the dryer nicely.  My friend told me that I owed him absolutely nothing for parts or services, and that expense was already covered by someone else.  I have no idea if he paid for it himself, or if he was referring to a third party helping me out.  It was too vague, but I was grateful.  What a relief to not have a big repair expense.  In addition, my friend ran to the store and bought 2 bulbs to replace my security light in the front of my house.  

While I was sitting at the dining table, talking with my friend's wife while he fixed the dryer, I glanced over and noticed $5 sticking out of the bag that my sister had brought me.  I was puzzled because I thought I put the money she gave me for the desk into the bank.  I did not realize there was $5 still left in the bag.  How nice it was to have some cash on hand in my pocket.  How nice it really was when Jersey #1 ripped her swim cap during her meet Tuesday morning, and I had the $5 to buy her a replacement cap!  

The Lord will provide for all of our needs...   

Tuesday morning, I gathered up all the water bottles and random snacks I could find to keep the kids fed during the swim meet.  I had just enough items to keep them content, but nothing near what I normally have in stock.  I tossed the ingredients for Chili into the crockpot before we left that morning, so that I could assure the kids that there was a big meal waiting for them for lunch at home.  I had to say no to the request to join the swim team out for lunch after the meet.  There was no budget for a meal out.  

While we were at the meet, I received an email from my Pastor, asking if I could send out a reminder about the church potluck BBQ for the 4th of July.  It said to bring hot dogs, hamburgers, and side dishes.  My mind raced as I went over the contents of my fridge and pantry.  I had foods for making meals to get us through the week...chilli and enchiladas, for example....but I did not account for picnic or potluck BBQ foods.  What in the world was I going to bring?  (Now, I know that it would have been perfectly acceptable to show up to the church picnic without a dish to share.  Our loving church family would have been just fine with that.)  I tried to calculate my bank account from the top of my head to see if I had enough to buy some hotdogs or something cheap like that to bring.  Ugh!  I was going to have to look at the details at home, because I could not come up with a good solution, from the top of my head, right there at the swim meet.

As I was leaving the meet, I received a phone call from a friend.  Since I was in the midst of loading up the kids and the cooler and such, I did not answer.  My friend left a message that said I needed to let her know when I would be home, because the items she wanted to bring me could not be left out in the heat. I was expecting a bucket from her, but could not remember what else she was bringing me.  Since she is getting ready to move, it could really be anything.  I texted her back that I was heading home, and she could come over in an hour, and I would be there.

My friend showed up at my house with a 4th of July goody basket for me and the kids!  It was the coolest thing.  In addition to the bucket she had told me she was giving me, she had it filled with glow sticks, a cartoon movie, squirt guns, mandarin oranges, lemonade, hot dogs, and buns.  She was so excited to bring it to me, knowing that I was going to be having a tough week.  She wanted to do something nice for me.  Her husband suggested she get me a gift card, but she said I would only spend it on the kids.  Her friend suggested a movie-night themed gift basket, and that idea morphed into the 4th of July themed basket instead.  She could hardly wait for me to get home so she could bring it over.  I was flattered.  I was blessed.  I was touched.

But, what struck me the most was the hot dogs.  I shared with her how I had forgotten about the church picnic and did not include potluck foods in my budget this week.  I told her how I was racking my brain trying to figure out how I could scrounge up enough cash to buy some hot dogs or something to take.  I told her that I knew this was a God-thing, because how else would she know that I needed some hot dogs?  We both were amused when it suddenly dawned on her that she had brought me 2 packages of buns, but 3 packages of hot dogs.  She apologized for the miscalculation.  I started laughing and told her that the funny thing was that I actually had 1 package of hot dog buns in my freezer, but did not have any hot dogs to go with it.  

What a blessing to have plenty of picnic foods to bring to the church picnic.  Plus, all the kids loved the glow sticks and squirt guns.  Since risk of fire was such a danger that night, the glow sticks made great night-time fun on the 4th of July.  


God is SO Good!



Babysitting was another need this past week, and God provided.  Our regular babysitters were out of town for the week, and I did not realize it at first.  After they did not respond to my messages, I caught a clue.  I was not sure how I was going to find someone to babysit, even for lunch, on the 4th of July holiday.  Much to my surprise, a young lady from church was off work that day, and willing to come over and watch my kids.  Plus, she was willing to let me pay her when I saw her at church on Sunday (after payday), instead of that day.  (Actually, she was willing to babysit for free, but I didn't want her to do that.)

I also needed a sitter for Jersey #5 on Friday, because the older kids and I were scheduled to volunteer at a food bank.  Children had to be at least 6 years old, for insurance reasons.  Thankfully, I was able to contact a friend from church who was more than willing to have Jersey #5 over at her house all morning. I thought her daughter was at camp all week, which was why I hesitated to ask her to babysit.  But, it turned out the daughter was home already, and they were happy to have a tiny tot around to bring them some laughter after a tough week at their house.  It is such a relief to have such kind and loving people be willing to watch my kids when the need arises.

We were scheduled to work out at the Youth Ranch twice this past week too.  I thought it would do me some good to keep busy, but really I exhausted myself all week, when I was already emotionally exhausted from grief, in the first place.  So, it turned out to be a foolish idea to keep busy all week.  I did not want to fall short on my offer to work at the Ranch.  Thankfully, God took care of me there too.  I am usually asked to water trees or lead an activity, where I am with the crowd of visitors.  Out of the blue, Cowboy Max asked me to 'supervise' a junior volunteer who would be doing a task in the corral with the horses.  For safety reasons, he wanted an adult to be present while she worked.  Even though she had plenty of experience, someone needed to be available to get help if she needed it.  So, my job at the Ranch was to hang out and look like an adult.  That gave me lots of quiet time to think and no pressure to be real social and outgoing (which was something that I just did not have the energy for anyway).  Yet, I "looked" like I was helping and serving at the Ranch, and I was giving Jersey #1 an opportunity to work in the Junior Volunteer Program.  I still can't believe how well that worked out, when I thought I was going to totally tank on my commitment.  

I was dreading the 4th of July this year.  It was my 14th Anniversary, and I am estranged from my husband.  Plus, it is a holiday that our church tends to celebrate with a big social gathering.  It is not easy to be social when you are grieving a loss.  I had previously considered the idea of asking my husband if he would like to go out for a meal for our anniversary, but I did not have the funds to offer.  So, I had let the idea go.  Much to my surprise, my husband asked me if I wanted to go out to dinner to commemorate our anniversary!  He told me that he had been thinking about it, and it seemed that 14 years of marriage, and our 20 years together really should be recognized.  When I told him that was exactly what I was wanting to do this year, but I did not have any money to pull it off, he assured me that he would cover the cost.  What a treat!  I was able to enjoy a lunch date with my husband, and commemorate the fact that we are still married.  I was thrilled to actually reach another anniversary.  It has been a long year already, and a tough year at that.  So, taking the time to acknowledge where we were and where we are now, was great.  I enjoyed every minute of it.  The restaurant was nice.  The food was great.  The conversation was good.  I even enjoyed a laugh.  Coincidentally, it was the same restaurant that we dined at for our 13th anniversary, right after we had gone for massages, for the first time ever.  We were certainly in a different mindset a year ago, but it was so wonderful to see just how far we have come up from darkness and tragedy.

I thank God for that opportunity to take a breather like that, in the midst of this long journey we appear to be on.  I was at peace with the current state of my marriage and family.


It was even nice to be able to go to the church BBQ, and not feel sad or tearful.  Instead, I enjoyed the company and enjoyed celebrating the holiday with friends.  


As if the blessings were not plentiful enough all week long, my sister emailed me to suggest that she could bring Jersey #4 back from Granny & PawPaw's house, and take Jersey #3 in return.  I was planning to take that trip, but she took it for me because she was already coming to town.  It actually was our youngest sister's idea that she transport the grandkids like that.  It had not dawned on either of us that she could do the transport since she was coming to town anyway.  It all worked out beautifully.  I was able to see my sister, brother-in-law, and nephews, and I did not have to make a road trip to exchange kids with their grandparents.  That gave me more flexibility to go to the grocery store on payday, and have plenty of snacks and drinks on hand for Saturday's swim meet.  


By the end of the week, my perspective and my attitude were completely changed.  It was a major overhaul.  Every single detail of my life was handled, and not by me.  Every item that I thought about and tried to figure out in my own strength, was taken care of fully, even though I did not say a word.


I even found rest when swim practice was canceled due to lightning one night.  I told the kids that we were going to bed early that night, and I would start fresh earlier the next morning.  What a difference to get a good night's rest like that!


My Pastor told me that the friend who fixed my dryer had talked to him, so he already knew the dryer needed to be fixed.  He told me that next time, I should tell him when I have a need like that.  He said the same thing about the gravestone.  At the time I was talking about the gravestone, I told him that it was a personal desire, not a true need, so I didn't bring it up.  With the dryer, I had reached a point of deciding that I was just going to make due with what I had, and not expect to have more than I do.  I was not in the mindset of fixing it.  I was in the mindset of how can I get laundry dry anyway.  I have let go of my expectations for my life.  I have let go of my entitlements.  I am trying to stay focused on God, and living my life to serve Him.

Even though I know that my friends and family will help me with food and finances, so my basic needs will always be met, I do not find it necessary to ask for help right now.  Instead, I am waiting on God.  He supplies all of my needs, in His perfect timing.  He knows all of my needs without me even having to ask.  He knows my thoughts.  He knows my desires.  My prayer is that I will be aware of His guidance and direction for my life, and that I will live in such a way that is honoring to Him.

And weeks like this past week where I was too grieved to function, I simply put one foot in front of the other to keep moving forward, and God took care of everything....even the hot dogs.

God is SO Good!
 


            

Happy Father's Day

To the man who set the standard in my life, of what it means to be a loving father and grandfather...

And to the man who wants to be a better father to his children than he has ever experienced himself...

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

Flag Day

HAPPY FLAG DAY!

Today is flag day.  

On this day in 1777, the United States adopted the Stars and Stripes as the official US flag.

This is also the day that the US Army celebrates as the Army's birthday.  (Based on the American Continental Army begin formally established in 1775.)

Flag day is not an official federal holiday.  I suppose that is one of the reasons it is not as popular as the 4th of July, or Memorial Day holidays.

I am a Patriot.  Red, White, and Blue are my favorite colors, and color combination.  This was the theme of our family photos last year...

   

The Best Mother's Day

I was very blessed this Mother's Day.

My children worked hard to make the day really special and fun.

This is certainly one of the best Mother's Days I have ever experienced.  

There have been many times when my birthday and Mother's Day were nightmares.  My husband would choose those days to let his selfishness shine brightest, and I often assumed he was doing it purposefully to hurt me.  Even though he can be kind and generous toward others, he was furious about any expectation that he should be kind and generous toward me.  He typically expected to receive from me at all times, and did not have a servant's heart toward me at all.  So, holidays such as my birthday, or Mother's Day, or times when my health required care (such as surgery recovery or a pregnancy complication), brought out the worst in him.  Mother's Day last year was so awful that instead of a gift or a card, he informed me he wanted a divorce.    [That day changed me, and I decided right then that I would never expect him to be part of any holiday or celebration in my life, ever again.]

Not all Mother's Day holidays were bad.  I will never forget what happened on Mother's Day 2001.  Mackenzie arrived stillborn June 2000, and our angel baby was miscarried February 2001.  By the time Mother's Day arrived in May 2001, I was in a pretty serious depression about how painful it was to be a mother without any living children.  The outpouring of support that I had when Mackenzie died, did not extend that far.  The support following the early miscarriage was not as prevalent.  I was so sad, so heartbroken, and so depressed.  No one seemed to understand, and others expected me to be over it by then.  I broke down in a fit of tears, and cried to my husband that no one was going to acknowledge that I was a mother on Mother's Day, because my 2 babies were dead, and not in my arms.  Much to my absolute shock, my husband pulled out a Mother's Day card he had bought for me.  I cried even harder.  It was the sweetest gift ever.  I was so deeply in need of that kind of compassion.  

As the years went by my husband has often tried to down play what he did for me.  He tells me it was just a card, and that it was no big deal.  He did not mean it to be the big sentiment that I took it as.  Regardless of how deep he felt or did not feel about me at the time, it was the thought that counted.  He thought of me as a mother, even though my arms were empty, my heart was broken, and my babies were dead.  At that low point in my life, what I needed most was for someone to acknowledge me as a mother. He filled a great need, whether he meant to or not.

This year, much to my surprise, The Referee acknowledged Mother's Day.  He mentioned it early, and planned to take the kids out to buy me a present.  Considering he lost track of Easter this year, I was surprised that he thought of Mother's Day.  I was even more surprised that he took the time to take the kids out to get me a gift.  Then, I was completely shocked when he emailed me to say that the gift the kids picked was not very expensive, so he was transferring the rest of the money he had budgeted for a gift to my bank account.  Wow!

He also informed us that he would forgo his Sunday afternoon visit with the kids, so that I could spend time with them on Mother's Day.  Jersey #2 voiced what we were all thinking....he could still come over and spend Mother's Day with us....but apparently that was taking it too far for him.  He was willing to acknowledge the day, and get me a gift.  He was not willing to celebrate it with me.

I used to believe that it was important for The Referee to teach his children how to treat me with respect.  It turns out, I taught them how to respect and celebrate someone myself.  Last night, just before bedtime, I over heard the kids talking to each other about how they were going to set up the dining room table with my Mother's Day gifts.  Having the dining table decorated with gifts is a tradition I maintain for each of their birthdays.  They love waking up to the celebration on the morning of their birthday.  They wanted to create that same environment for me to wake up to on Mother's Day.  My heart melted.  What thoughtful children I have!  The problem they were working out was how to get the gifts to the table, when they go to bed before I do, and most of them wake up after I do as well.  Jersey #3 was the solution, because he is the early bird.  He wakes up an hour before me, most mornings.  They devised the plan that he would get up early, and wake up his older sisters, so that they could all get the Mother's Day surprise ready for me.  

Things did not go nearly as planned, as I had to wake up earlier than usual to let out one of our dogs.  Jersey #3 ended up sleeping in.  After I let the dog out, I returned to bed, and let the kids wake up on their own and bustle about the house.  As soon as everything was in place, Jersey #4 came into my room to ask if I was ready to wake up.  It was so much fun to walk out to the dining room and be greeted by my smiling children, who had dressed themselves for church (they decided that they should help me get to church on time, since it was Mother's Day).  They were so excited about their gifts, and could not wait for me to see them.

 

My children went out of their way to make Mother's Day wonderful this year.  They know me so well.  The evening before, they cheerfully helped me get the house cleaned up

Jersey #1 and Jersey #2 each made me a Mother's Day cake.  This tradition of cake on Mother's Day comes from the Dora the Explorer cartoons.  In a Mother's Day episode, Dora and her friends were preparing gifts for their Moms.  Dora had to go out and gather the ingredients for a special cake for her Mom.  Ever since we viewed that episode when Jersey #1 and Jersey #2 were preschoolers, they have enjoyed making or decorating a Mother's Day cake for me. This year, Jersey #1 made a jello cake with cool-whip frosting (a cake my Mom used to make during the summer, when I was a kid).  Jersey #2 made a chocolate cake with chocolate frosting (my favorite cake).   

The younger kids got to take a turn adding candy sprinkles to the top of the chocolate cake...

We ate cake for breakfast.  That was fun!

The kids were proud of the bouquets of artificial flowers they each picked for me.  They put them together with a smiley face balloon, and made a beautiful display for the center of my dining room table.  I love this.  I love the idea of a bouquet of flowers in the center of the table, but I do not enjoy the price of fresh cut flowers.  The kids found the perfect solution, and it is so beautiful.

The other gifts were sweets.  I love sweets.  Jersey #1 and Jersey #2 each gave me a chocolate caramel candy bar.  That is my favorite chocolate candy.  Jersey #4 gave me peanut butter cups.  She later explained that she knew I loved chocolate, but that she thought I would get tired of the chocolate caramel, so she wanted to get me other chocolate that she knew I liked.  She chose well.  Gift giving from girls is different than gift giving from boys, even at these young ages.  Jersey #3 gave me a bottle of Sprite (his favorite soda).  Jersey #5 gave me a bag of sour jelly beans....and then immediately asked me if I would open them and share them with him!  

At Sunday School this morning, the older kids made Mother's Day cards, where they had to write answers that described me.  They listed things I loved, and ways I am patient with them.  The cards were really sweet, and showed me just how each kid sees things.  Jersey #1 said I loved science.  Jersey #2 said I loved red and blue.  Jersey #3 said I loved him!  When commenting about what I give, Jersey #1 said I give my time to see my children learn.  Jersey #2 said I give my kids love and comfort (she also mentioned in church that I comfort her).  Jersey #3 said I give FOOD!  Tears came to my eyes when I read what they wrote about what I "needed."  Jersey #3 said I needed hugs.  Jersey #2 said I needed a family.  Jersey #1 said I needed my children, all thundering 8 of them!  Sometimes I think my kids see right into my soul.  

Attached to the cards were coupons good for services from the kids.  They included washing dishes, an uninterrupted nap, and other chores.  Each one stated, "without whining or complaining."  Jersey #1 took extras, and proudly gave them to me, telling me that I can cash them in with her any time.  Jersey #3 acted surprised that there was a coupon attached to his card.  When I read it to him, and explained that it said he was going to be wiling to wash dishes without whining or complaining, he looked shocked.  I asked him if he chose to give me this coupon on his own, and he shook his head no!  He knew nothing about it.  That cracked me up.

For fun this afternoon, the kids and I went bowling.  I had signed them up for the "Kids Bowl Free" program, that gives 2 free games of bowling every day during the summer.  The bowling alley also offered a pass for shoe rental, which will pay for itself by the 5th time we go to bowl.  That is quite a deal.  The kids had so much fun that we are certain we will go bowling as many times as possible this summer. 

I don't think we have been bowling for at least a couple years.  It took a few attempts before everyone got the hang of it.  By the second game, there was a steep competition brewing.  Everyone was trying to beat their previous score, in addition to trying to beat other siblings.  Their bowling techniques had me laughing.  Jersey #5 wiggled and bent, trying to will the ball in the direction he was moving.  Then, he would jump and cheer when any pins were knocked down.  Jersey #4 bowled so softly that her ball took a while to get down the lane.  She would get tired of waiting for it, and would sit down, or lay down on the floor and watch.  When Jersey #3 bowled a strike, his cheers could be heard across the entire facility.  Jersey #2 and Jersey #1 were full of smiles and good cheer.  We had a good time.

I took advantage of the opportunity and took some pictures with my kids.  It was such a HAPPY Mother's Day!