The Traveling Team

We took a big road trip this past week to visit family. Traveling with 5 young children can be quite an adventure in itself. The reactions from family and friends (who are also currently raising kids) were quite amusing. We were constantly asked if we had a DVD player in the van. We do not. I hear good things about them...and my children are certainly crazy about watching movies....but we have not made such an investment yet. Our cousins and their friends just could not understand how we traveled long distances with children, without a DVD player. They even offered to lend us theirs!

We have taken many, many trips with small children in tow. We have faced many challenges of travel, and have learned a lot along the way. Traveling to Europe with a 2-year old and a 9-month old, we learned that Europe is not very stroller friendly. That is especially true of Venice, Italy, with all those stairs over the waterways! As airport security has grown in restriction, each child is expected to walk through the metal detector on their own. We have had many strong-willed toddlers refuse to walk through! (The trick is for me to walk through first, call them and give them a chance, then reach down grab their hand and pull them through anyway!) Even going through security with an infant strapped into the Baby Bjorn carrier was challenging, because the guard asked me to "take off the baby"! (We gave that guard an adventure she was not expecting, because the infant was Jersey #2, and she set off the detector with the wires in her chest...this was our return home trip after her open-heart surgery).

This week's road trip was our best family travel yet. We have learned a lot from past experiences, so we did our best to control the situation to keep some level of stability and order. To keep costs and frequency of stops to a minimum, we packed a cooler full of water bottles and juice boxes, and a bag full of dry snacks & fruit. When we stopped at gas stations for potty breaks, we try to make a purchase to support their business, so we did that either buying gas, or buying a bag of ice for the cooler. For entertainment, each child had a backpack filled with small toys, books, pencils, & notepads. Rolling backpacks, with the handle extended fully, worked well for the younger kids because they could set the bag on the floor of the van, and reach it again via the handle to pull it up into their lap. We also packed a small pillow and plush baby blanket for each child, which encouraged napping while we drove....and provided some bedtime linens that brought an element of "home" to each new sleeping location. Kids are comforted by things that are familiar to them, and a favorite blanket is an easy comfort tool. Those same blankets work great on airplanes too.

We planned our trip to have the most travel time the very first day of travel, when our excitement would carry us further! We reduced the amount of travel time each day as the days went by and we great tired of being in the van. There was one day where we stopped at least 15 times more than planned, and allowed our son to "water the rocks" on the side of the road, because he needed to potty more often than rest stops or towns appeared! (After that, we made the rule that there would be no more Coke with lunch while we were on the road). We also planned for lunch breaks at restaurants, so we could all get out, wiggle around, look at each other while we chatted, and enjoy a meal in a new town. Those lunch breaks were a nice diversion and broke up the trip into manageable pieces.

Lessons of Motherhood

My Mom gave me the best encouragement as a mother, when she told me "God gave this child to YOU. He knows YOU are the best Mom for this child. No one will know YOUR child better than YOU. Don't worry about what anyone else says or thinks YOU should do while raising YOUR child. YOU already know how to take care of her. God gave YOU the answers in your heart. TRUST YOURSELF!" [emphasis mine]

My husband attempted to say the same thing when he told me, "We do what works for us." (He is a man of few words)

This advice was given to me at a time in my early motherhood when I was a basket case, trying to be the perfect Mom. I was reading parenting books, parenting websites, and paying attention to all the advice any parent was giving. My husband would come home from work, see the child care books on the table, and groan "Nooo, not again!" Parenting advice is everywhere, but hardly anyone is in agreement as to the "best" way to raise children. The so-called parenting "experts" provide theories of parenting that are polar opposite to each other. In addition, Moms feel the pressure and criticism everywhere we go. I've met Moms who did not like Mommy groups like MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) because they felt they were not measuring up to other Moms. My sisters and I joke that if you go to a park with other Moms, you eventually get into a conversation about the "stats" of your child, as if they were all professional baseball players....

What percentile is he on the growth chart? How long did you breastfeed her? Is she crawling yet? Will he eat vegetables? Is he potty trained? What age did your child learn their colors? Is your kindergartener reading yet? You mean your 2-year-old isn't already taking Calculus?

It isn't that Moms try to make each other feel bad, it is that they are looking for some assurance that they are doing well. There is no level of perfection that can be obtained. Parents are not perfect. Kids are not perfect. We come in all different shapes, sizes, colors, gifts, and abilities. Those growth charts are meant to help identify a trend of growth so that caregivers can be aware when there is a change in the trend that might warrant attention. (With Jersey #2, her doctors assured me they did not care what curve she was on, but they insisted she needed to pick a curve and stick to it or else they would be tempted to intervene). Developmental milestones come with a wide range of what's "normal," because they too are looking for the outliers. It is not a competition. But, we Moms tend to celebrate when our child is in the front of the trend, and worry when our child is toward the back of the trend. Pressure is added when one Mom is cheerfully sharing her child's advancement, when it is in the category that another Mom is already worrying about her child's slower progression. Add the "advice" we give about how we parented that child to that level, and in no time at all, insecurities are deepening all around us. It is hard to turn to other generations of mothers for support, because times were different, trends change, and we don't always remember things accurately. (We've been told that my husband was working 100 piece puzzles by himself at 18 months old.....but our children were only eating or throwing puzzle pieces at 18 months old!) Sometimes it is the grandmas who are adding the pressure....

Are you still giving the breast/bottle/pacifier? When I was raising kids, we weaned them at ___ age!

I knew a whole lot more about parenting before I had children. I've since had enough children to know that no one is an expert on children, because children are not all the same. With 5 children, I would need 5 different parenting expert books, because my children are THAT different from each other. I would have been fine if I had read one style of parenting book for Jersey #1 and a completely different style of parenting book for Jersey #2. They were so different and fit different textbooks. I will have to write my own book for Jersey #3, because I have not met another child like him. A friend suggested that Jersey #4 fit the description her Mom gave for her little sister....no one should come in contact with her unless they have already had at least 2 children! Jersey #5 is a dream so far, with his easy-going personality. If he were my first baby, I would have thought I was the perfect Mom. Ha! I know better than that now!

Thankfully, I now have the full knowledge and confidence from my own mother's advice. My Mom is the BEST Mom for me. I am the BEST Mom for MY kids. My sisters are the BEST Moms for my niece and nephews. My fellow Mommy friends are the BEST Moms for their own children. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise!

Spacing Siblings

When we are out in public, we tend to draw attention first with the size of our family, and then with the close ages of the children. Some people like to try to guess the kids' ages. Some get that puzzled look where I know they are trying to calculate the age gap between the kids after I have rattled off their ages. There was one woman, shopping at Walmart, who approached me and asked me if I would please tell her the ages of my kids. She took great delight in the answer, and complimented the kids from head to toe. I am sure there was a story there, but she did not share it.

I still laugh at the way we achieved the spacing of our children. My husband and I sat down and had an "intellectual" discussion about the "best" spacing of children. We were college educated, so of course we assumed there was some proven ideal. We are scientists by nature, so of course we assumed we could collect all the data, and form a hypothesis on the ideal spacing! Ha! We talked about the pros and cons of our own sibling situations. We are each the oldest of 3 children. I am 4 years older than my next sister. I said 4 years was too far a gap, as we practically grew up independent of each other, went to different schools, and had different interests and friends. My sisters are only 19 months apart from each other. That was too close. They fought constantly while growing up. They were only 1 grade apart in school. They knew each others' friends, and did not share friends well. My husband is 3 years older than his brothers, who are twins to each other. Clearly we were not going to have a say about twins, so that was a non-issue. Many of our friends in high school had a younger sibling who was a freshman our senior year. Apparently 3 years apart was common, but it still seemed a little too far to me. We wanted our kids to have enough distance to be unique individuals, but a close enough age range to grow up as friends. We settled on 2.5 years apart as the "ideal" spacing of children. That was going to be our goal....

Ha! Too late! It turned out that I was already pregnant with Jersey #2, and just didn't realize it or expect it at the time. God had a completely different plan for the spacing of our children. 19 months apart. It turned out that I LOVED having the girls that close together. It was a great combination. And, it turned out that they have very unique personalities, and they are growing up as friends. Many people comment that it must be terrible to have 2 in diapers, but that part didn't bother me at all. I found it to be easier, as we were already into the diaper routine!

I liked that age range so much, that I aimed to have Jersey #3 arrive 20 months later. My only criteria at the time was a Spring delivery, as Jersey #2 was born in the heat of summer!

We conducted an experiment to see how far apart our children would space "naturally." So, following Jersey #4, we did nothing to plan or prevent another baby. [Breastfeeding certainly halted my cycles for a while, and coming down with Whooping Cough was its own form of abstinence birth control!] Our natural fertility turned out to be 18 months. So, it is a good thing I enjoyed that spacing!

It's All About the Outfit

I've mentioned before that for Jersey #1, it's all about the outfit. She takes great care to pick her shoes and clothes. She "dresses the part" for just about any activity. She doesn't just wear her uniforms for games and practices. She wears them when she is just going out back to practice on her own. If she changes her mind a few minutes later, she returns to her room to change into the next outfit that fits her next activity. We had to establish the rule with her that if her clothes were not on her body at least half of a day, or unless they had gotten dirty from a spill, they were not to go into the dirty clothes hamper. She changes clothes at least 10 times a day!

We've accepted this as part of her personality and self expression. She has been this way since she was a toddler. She learned to undress and dress herself early on, and became quite set on certain shoes and outfits. As a toddler, she often liked shoes with no outfit! As modesty kicked in, the outfits became more important. Unless it is a special occasion that warrants me choosing outfits, we've tended to let her choose her own style. We've walked through the grocery store with our ballerina, astronaut, or cowgirl in tow. We've arrived to church with a variety of Disney Princesses, depending on which one was her favorite that day. Some costumes were accessorized with crowns, wands, and princess shoes. She is certain to participate in every AWANA theme night. Sometimes we wonder if she plays sports just for the opportunity to receive a new uniform!

On Sunday, another child brought a tennis racket to church. Jersey #1 was admiring it and talking about how she would like to play tennis. Pastor suggested that he would be happy to play a game of tennis with her. Jersey #1 promptly agreed and added, "I could wear one of those white tennis skirts....."

The first game

The first practice and games of the summer softball season were this past Saturday. We woke up to great wind and chillier temperatures than desired, but that didn't slow us down much. We ran late to the ball fields, so The Referee took Jersey #2 to her practice while I found a place to park and unloaded our luggage. [We just don't travel light, especially with a baby and a toddler who require a diaper bag, but then there was also a cooler of snacks, and I volunteered to bring team snacks, plus the kids had various toys they wanted to bring for entertainment while we were in the bleachers. We had the stroller loaded down real good.] They arrive at the field and walk up to the coach. The Referee introduces them, and the coach says, "Hey, did you know that I've known your Dad since middle school?" Jersey #2 was not impressed. She just stared at her Dad and her coach, wondering what was the big deal. It takes a lot to impress her.

She was impressed that she was able to hit the ball at her turn at bat. She proudly talked about that moment for the rest of the day. It was a great hit. She dropped the bat and ran right to first base. She then ran back into the dug out and sat down on the bleacher. I went over to talk to her and asked why she came off the field. She informed me that she was done. She had hit the ball and she was done with her turn. So, I explained that she needed to stand on first base, until the next batter hits the ball, and then run to second base. I told her that with each batter she will make her way around the bases and return home to score a run. She answered, "No thanks. I don't want to run anymore. It is too cold to be out there. DID YOU SEE ME HIT THE BALL?!?!"

It is not easy to convince Jersey #2 to change her mind. So, she sat in the dugout and made new friends.

Spring Training

We are gearing up for city softball to begin. It is a great summer program that is fun for the whole family: coed teams, combined ages, non-competitive, affordable, one single park location for all of the games, laid-back....and best of all, we are not coaching! This program fits us well since my husband and I are not baseball players by nature. Jersey #1 played softball for the first time last summer and had a blast. Much to my dismay, she told us she liked softball better than soccer, because there was less running. We've since learned that her favorite sport is the one she is playing at the time. For Jersey #1, it is all about the outfit. She dresses in her baseball uniform to practice baseball, her basketball clothes to practice basketball, a ballet leotard to dance ballet, etc.....in a single day, she changes outfits as if she were a runway model!

Today is the day we get to pick up uniforms. Jersey #1 and Jersey#2 are both playing softball this year. They are on different teams. One of our high school friends is the coach of Jersey #2's team, which will be added fun for us. The girls were very excited to go get their new uniforms. They got themselves dressed....all dressed up in spring dresses. [Considering I was such a tomboy growing up, I am often caught off-guard by how "girly" my girls can really be, especially Jersey#1]. Here a picture right outside the sports office....
After picking up the jersey shirts and ballcaps, we made a quick run into Sam's Club. We always seem to need milk. And, I thought it would be a good opportunity to pick up the team treats we volunteered to bring to Saturday's game. The girls were so excited to wear their new uniforms that they asked to wear them into the store, over their dresses....

As soon as we returned home, they found the perfect pants/shorts to complete the ensemble and have been out in the yard practicing their skills....

Yes, that is a hot pink headband to match Jersey #2's hot pink pants. She likes to stand out. She has her own style. Apparently, the uniform colors were a little too drab this year!

Bedrooms

We are in the midst of re-arranging bedrooms again. This has been a regular adventure ever since we added children to our family. It seems like we've tried just about everything by now....co-sleeping, bassinet, crib attached to our bed, crib free-standing in our room, crib in the nursery, toddler beds, twin mattresses on the floor, twin mattresses on bed frames, and bunk beds (attached and unattached). We've tried children in their own rooms, and children sharing a room.

My favorite arrangement (until now) has been a "bed"room which holds only beds, books, & clothes [ie, quiet things to encourage sleeping], and a separate "play" room filled with all the toys. We've even taken this concept to an extreme last year when we set up 4 beds in the bedroom. Having the oldest 4 children sleep in the same bedroom proved to be a great benefit with the arrival of jersey #5. It really helped establish a bedtime routine, and got everyone sleeping in their own beds before we added a new baby to the mix. One of the greatest benefits of having siblings share a bedroom is it reduces the "I'm scared" bedtime stalling tactic. It is hard to claim to be scared of being all alone in your bedroom at night, when you are not actually alone!

I was expecting to switch the rooms into a bedroom for girls and a bedroom for boys once the baby was older. It turns out that our biggest challege right now is age, not gender! It didn't take me long to discover that it is not a good idea to continue combining all of the toys into one playroom. Our oldest two daughters have moved into Barbie-style princess dolls, complete with their line of shoes, crowns, and other choking hazards. Add that to the fact that they also use a lot of pencils, markers, and other not-safe-for-toddlers school supplies. They are also adding up a collection of trophies and keepsakes that need to be placed out of reach of little hands. Plus, I am actually considering letting Jersey #1 get her ears pierced this summer, which will bring more indigestible objects into play.

The new arrangement has the oldest 2 sharing a bedroom, the middle 2 sharing a bedroom, and the baby's crib still in our bedroom. In addition to their bunk beds, we added a little 4-drawer dresser for the oldest 2 in their room. The tops of the dressers give them somewhere to place keepsakes out of the reach of their younger siblings. We've added an element of responsibility too. The girls were given the freedom to arrange their clothes into their dresser drawers however they wanted....and they are expected to put away their own clothes as laundry loads are completed. So far, there is quite a bit of pride of ownership, so the girls are joyfully embracing the added responsibility.

The second bedroom contains toddler beds, train tables, and a toy kitchen. It really resembles our playroom back in the day when we only had toddlers and preschoolers, just with the addition of beds. Jersey #3 enjoys being able to play with his train sets alone and peacefully in his bedroom (he is rather introverted), so he approved of the new arrangement immediately. Jersey #4 proudly walks around the room and declares "MINE" as she points to each of her belongings. I am guessing she is enjoying getting to stake claim to more territory, now that she is sharing a room with only 1 sibling versus 3.

The infrastructure is in place in both bedrooms now. Bedtimes are running smoothly in spite of the change. All that is left is to sort through all the clutter from both rooms, that we just bagged up to deal with and purge later.....Ugh!