Even If The Healing Doesn't Come

I heard a song on the radio recently that rocked my world.

The group is Kutless.

The song is "Even If The Healing Doesn't Come"

Now, I will admit that I am not musically talented.  I don't have rhythm.  I can't hear/carry a tune.  I can't sing.  I do not play a musical instrument.  I can't even clap on beat.  So, I am unqualified to evaluate the music itself.

It was the words that gripped me.

I usually like a song, based on its lyrics.  My favorite songs are the ones that tell a story or have a great point.

I tuned in to this song when I heard the first few lines to the chorus:

Even if the healing doesn't come 

And life falls apart 

And dreams are still undone 

I was immediately convicted.

My family is not healed.  My marriage relationship is not healed.  My life is a mess right now.  My dreams are not accomplished.  It is as if the chorus of that song was written from my own thoughts and insecurities.

But, the next few lines put it all into perspective:

You are God You are good 

Forever faithful One 

Even if the healing 

Even if the healing doesn't come

The lessons from church camp rang through my head.  I remember the evangelist saying, "It may not all work out for your personal benefit."  He was explaining how God's ways are higher than our ways.  God has a plan, for sure, but it does not mean that the lives of Christians are going to be great (while here on Earth).  

I admit that I have been struggling.  I have not written a blog post in a while.  I could easily blame it on being too busy.  I can also blame it on being too overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions that I could not write clearly.  

It has taken me this long to accept that my marriage is over.

Technically, we have been living as if we are divorced all year, without actually making the divorce legal.  My husband has moved out.  He has visitation with the children.  All interaction is business-like, to discuss the children and the finances.  He has no intention of returning home, or restoring our marriage or our family.  He does not wear his wedding ring.  He does not consider us a couple.  He has full support of his mother and brothers, who encourage him to divorce me.  They do not value marriage.

I do value marriage.

Marriage is one of my core values.

I made a point to prepare myself that marriage is forever.  Through thick and thin, failure was not an option.  I insisted that my soon-to-be-husband heard me clearly that if he was going to commit to marrying me, that I was serious that it had to be forever.

Unfortunately, his commitment was not genuine.  He does not value marriage.  He is choosing to continue the legacy of divorce and broken family that his parents established.  

The first time he had a mental breakdown and walked out on his life, I was shattered.  I could not believe that my entire life could be altered by someone else, and I did not even get a vote.  It took me a while to accept that reality.

This time around, I am not shocked that it can happen.  I have been having such a hard time accepting it though.

Months ago, a friend suggested I was having a hard time because marriage was one of my core values.  I did not process her wise words well enough at that time.

Lately, I have been process the details of my life, but I am still struggling.

I sought counsel with my Pastor who put it bluntly when he told me I was feeling shattered to the core.  My marriage has completely failed, regardless of the preparation I did to prevent it, and regardless of my wishes.  I do not get a say here.  It doesn't matter how much I value marriage, my husband is ripping that core right out of my being.  

(It reminds me of the video game Mortal Kombat, where the winning character reaches into the losing opponent and rips their beating heart right out of their chest, and holds it up overhead.  I always thought that graphic was disgusting.  Oh how many times did I watch my husband play that video game, while we were dating, and had no clue it was a picture of what he would later do to our marriage.) 

The confession that came out as I was speaking with my Pastor is that my Faith is shaken right now.  That scares me.

I have been through numerous levels of crisis in my life (and I honestly think losing a child is the worst one possible), and yet my Faith has been intact, and actually able to grow.  But, this divorce crisis has really done a number on me.  I have been questioning everything I believe, everything that I think, and everything that I am.  It has been really hard to go to church.  I have been thinking that if I am such a failure as a Christian...because I have been completely rejected as a wife, even though I valued marriage so much...then maybe I don't belong in church.  Maybe God doesn't like me either.     

Pastor encouraged me that my Faith is shaken right now, but it is not shattered.

Just like the song says, I have to set my faith in the knowledge of who God is.  

So we set our faith in who You are

Even though You reign high above us

You tenderly love us

We know Your heart

And we rest in who You are

As the fog of doubts starts to clear, I see that I have been making marriage an idol.  Marriage is referenced so often in Christian teaching, and is very important.  But, I had made it too important.  Just like every other thing in my life that I valued too much....medical school, babies, finances, a big house...this idol is being ripped away from me.  I am being forced to pick myself up and move forward without it.

I am being forced to decide if I will trust God, even if I lose this desire of my heart.

Once again, I am answering YES.

My Pastor was correct.  My Faith is not broken by a failed marriage.  My husband rejects me, but God still loves me.

I continue to pray for a miracle.

But I know God is Good...

Even if the healing doesn't come.

Even If--Kutless

Songwriters: WOOD, TONY / KRIPPAYNE, SCOTT

Sometimes all we have to hold on to 

Is what we know is true of who You are 

So when the heartache hits like a hurricane 

That could never change who You are 

And we trust in who You are 

Even if the healing doesn't come 

And life falls apart 

And dreams are still undone 

You are God You are good 

Forever faithful One 

Even if the healing 

Even if the healing doesn't come 

Lord we know your ways are not our ways 

So we set our faith in who You are 

Even though You reign high above us 

You tenderly love us 

We know Your heart 

And we rest in who You are 

You're still the Great and Mighty One 

We trust You always 

You're working all things for our good 

We'll sing your praise 

You are God and we will bless You 

As the Good and Faithful One 

You are God and we will bless You 

Even if the healing doesn't come 

Tunnel Vision

It probably would have made more sense if I had written all throughout my journey this summer.  There is so much growth happening in my life.  I don't always have the opportunity to sit down and put it all to words.

This summer was one of the busiest seasons I have ever faced.  That says a lot coming from me, because I know how to fill a calendar to the max.  I started out the summer with the plan of having a relaxing time, and a few activities.  The way it actually went was to go, go, go!  Looking back, I see that being THAT busy had a protective quality.  I was too busy to wallow in self pity.  I was too busy to think about all that I have lost this year.  I was too busy to spend much time in the depths of despair.  My maxed out calendar had me putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward without taking much time to stop and think.

All along the way, there were lessons and instructions to ponder.  Only, I did not have much time to ponder.  So, the lessons stacked up, one on top of the other.  I would hear a sermon, or Bible lesson, and think "ooh, that is good stuff!  I need to meditate on that some more."  But, there was not much time for delving into it, before our next activity.  The next thing brought about another lesson, usually something that added to the previous lesson.  I am totally impressed by the way God wove these life lessons together, piece by piece, throughout my incredibly busy summer.

My attitude was not very good through it all.  I would hear sermon after sermon about suffering, and causes of suffering, and such.  But, I would always moan and sigh about how trials stink!  Let's face it, when I am in the depths of pain and anguish, I relate better to Job's wife than to Job.  I am quick to cry out, "Why me, Lord!?!"  "This is NOT FAIR!"

Of course, my attitude was addressed during our Sunday School lesson on the book of Hebrews.  I understood the references about God correcting us like a parent corrects a child.  That makes sense.  I correct my children in love too.  But, that type of chastening goes hand-in-hand with our sins.  Knowing that God loves me enough to correct me has not been very comforting right now.  During that class, a list was generated, explaining the different reasons that we endure trials.  Although some folks prefer to focus entirely on the category of chastening being due to sin, there are actually other categories that are relevant.  One category is taking a stand for Christ.  Tough times come to those who boldly stand in their faith.  The category that jumped out at me the most during this lesson was the category that trials come to us for a lofty purpose of God.  Whoah!  That really built on the church camp lessons that it may not all work out for MY benefit, but it will work out for God's plan.  

Sure enough, the scripture passage above all the chastening like children stuff, is at the very beginning of Hebrews chapter 12.  The end of verse 1 and beginning of 2 encourages:

"....let us run with patience the race that is set before us, 

Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith;"    

Verse 3 warns to consider all that Jesus went through, himself, to keep us from being weary and weak-minded.

The whole attitude adjustment came to me as we read verse 11:   

"Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, 

but grievous; 

nevertheless afterward it yieldeth 

the peaceable fruit of righteousness 

unto them which are exercised thereby."

With that verse I was struck by the awesomeness of God.  He gets it!  God understands!  Chastening is grievous, when it happens.  (And in my opinion, grieving sucks!)

I get it!  I understand!  AFTERWARD is when the point is made.  

These trials are miserable when we are in the midst of them.

But, the lessons learned, the ways we are changed, the "fruit" that emerges, is the good stuff.

The way to have a better attitude in trials and challenges, is to look forward.  I've been told to keep an eternal perspective, so that the trials of life here on Earth seem small.

To add strength to my new perspective, the author of the book of Hebrews goes on to comment in the last verse, that the point is to serve God, and remember that God is in control.  

As if that is not enough, Chapter 13, verse 6 adds, 

"The Lord is my helper, and I will not fear what man shall do unto me."

Step-by-step I see why I needed a better attitude about the trials in my life.  I am reminded that God is in control, and everything will work out for His purpose.  The focus should be to point others to Him.  With God on my side, I can courageously move forward through this mess I call my life, and not be afraid of what is coming my way next.  

The light at the end of this tunnel is not daylight.  It is an oncoming train.

This year's trials are not over.  I see that clearly.

Let's recap:  Rejected by my husband who blamed me for his chronic health problems.  Marriage destroyed.  Family broken.  Husband leaves the home to live alone, and I am an instant single mother.  Baby boy dies half-way through pregnancy.  Grieving SUCKS!  Husband goes numb from recent 3 generations of loss in his life---his grandfather, his father, and his son.  He is the last man standing in that line-up.  His eyes are opened to the fact that he is dealing with a very serious, chronic health issue, that is completely out of his control.  Thankfully, he is able to take responsibility for the way he tried to blame it on me, apologizes, and works to build a respectful relationship with me, which is a great benefit to our family as a whole.  He seeks treatment.  I work on forgiveness.  Just when I think there may be a glimmer of light in this horrifying situation, I am bombarded with the limitations of the illness, and the amount of crisis we are still in.  Financial crisis takes its turn to rise.  I take a hard look at my career options, and what my family needs me to do now.  (I won't even go in to how hard it was for me to let go of my career plans when my family needed me to be home, only to have that completely shifted again 9 years later...).  I think I see what direction I am suppose to go, and that gets tweaked to get me more employable, faster.    Even so, we are on the slippery slope to foreclosure and bankruptcy.  Once again, I am reminded about the limitations of this chronic illness.  The trials are not over...

Right now, I feel as though my life is in a tunnel.  I cannot see all around me.  I must just keep moving one step and a time, forward, and hope that I will eventually see daylight.

Being an optimist and a planner, it is really difficult for me to live in the moment.  I have not been able to make much for plans this whole year so far.  That has not improved.  Every time that something positive occurs, and I start to think we are in the home stretch now, I actually end up sliding a few steps back.  Every time that I think I have an idea of what path we are on, I reach a hurdle and have to divert.  It is not easy for me to relinquish control, but that is what I am being required to do right now.  

Let Go, and Let God.

"....let us run with patience the race that is set before us, 

Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith;" ---Hebrews 12:1-2

My faith is being tested and grown.  Conveniently, my Pastor is doing a sermon series on spiritual growth.  Even the visiting missionaries seem to have my spiritual growth in mind.  It is a God thing.  The purpose is to point others to Christ.  

I have been so puzzled by that statement, because I think how in the world will others see the love of Christ in my suffering?  This makes no sense to me.

And then, I had a friend bless me with words that rendered me speechless.

She started out, during our visit, by saying to me that she has had the most awful, heartbreaking, difficult life she has ever known anyone to go through.  She thought surely no one has it worse than her.

....until she met me.

I laughed.  It struck me as funny.

The next day, I happened to see her again briefly.  She could not wait to re-iterate her point to me.  She told me that what she was trying to say is

"You are the only person who has been through worse than me, and you still think Jesus loves you!"

I looked her right in the eye and answered, "I know He does."

She smiled and said, "Exactly!  And, that is what you give me.  I need to know that in the midst of my trials, Jesus still  loves me.  And, you remind me of that."

I was speechless.

If I had an emotional response, I am sure I would have been flattered.  But, I was so much in shock that I was in a stunned silence.  In my heart, I was thanking God.  I get it now.  I see the Kingdom perspective a little more clearly.     

I still don't know where I am going, or how all of this is going to work out in the end.  But, step-by-step, I keep moving forward through the tunnel, waiting for the day when the light at the end of the tunnel is daylight, instead of an oncoming train.

Bible Bee

The older 3 children participated in the local Bible Bee yesterday.

2012 is the 4th year for the Bible Bee.

This was Jersey #1's 3rd year participating.  She was part of the 1st and the 3rd annual Bible Bee as well.   (The 2nd annual Bible Bee was in 2010, the year of Jersey #2's heart surgery, so we cut out most activities that year).

It was Jersey #2's 2nd year participating.

It was Jersey #3's 1st year participating.

Bible Bee 2009:

Bible Bee 2011:

Bible Bee 2012:

All 3 were in the Primary Division this year, which is for ages 7-10.  Technically, they were competing against each other.

Only, we did not do enough preparation and study to actually be competitive.  This summer was extremely busy for us.  It did not take long to get behind on the sword study and the verse memorization.  Before I knew it, we were WAY behind.  I tried to find bits of time to get the kids motivated to study for the Bible Bee, but that did not happen.  At one point, when the local director sent an email announcing the final date to withdraw from the bee, before the paperwork was all printed, I was tempted to quit.  I decided to stick it out, and told myself that we could still do well with some strong effort over these last two weeks.

That did not happen.  Our days were packed.  There was not enough time to focus, let alone cram.  All throughout this final week, I debated as to whether I should have the children participate and carry through with our commitment, or should I have them withdraw?

I wanted them to stick it out and give their best effort.

But, I did not want to push them into a situation where they would be so embarrassed by failure, that they had ill thoughts and feelings about studying the Bible.  

After many days of kicking myself for not letting it go earlier, and allowing us to get over-scheduled (again), I decided to just go with what we had.

I sat the kids down and had a talk.  I explained to them that in light of our extremely busy summer, I should not have insisted we also participate in the Bible Bee.  It was too much.  I admitted that I should have let go of that plan months ago, and taken the pressure off.  They were happy to hear that.

I then explained to them that it was too late to quit now, so we were going to go and participate.  We would go with the amount that was already studied, and let that be good enough.  I expected them to do their very best, with a happy heart.  I would not accept drama or grumpiness over their performance, or over getting competitive.  They agreed.

Next, I discussed a little deeper that ANY amount of study of the Bible is good.  ANY number of verses they memorized was a good thing.  We should not feel bad for the amount that was accomplished.  We should feel good for putting the effort into Bible study, because it is so very important.

But, I also explained that when it comes to competition and achievement, the level of effort, diligence, and preparation, are important.  If you want A's, you have to do A-quality work.  If you do C-quality work, you earn a C.  It is just that simple.

In the end, they were content to participate without the expectation of having to perform well.  We talked about how to handle the stress of not knowing the verses in the oral round, or not knowing the answers on the written test.  I anticipated that Jersey #3 would have some trouble with the actual reading and comprehending the written test, so I explained how to guess and select an answer on a multiple choice test anyway, instead of leaving it blank.  

I also told the children that I would not be signing us up for the Bible Bee next summer.  I was not going to require that of them.  

They all approached Bible Bee day with great enthusiasm.  The pressure was off, and they were going to have fun with the other kids.  They had a blast!

   

They had only memorized 20% of the list of verses, but they learned those so well that they received many points during the oral round.  Jersey #1 told me she was thankful I talked her into learning 1 more verse this week, because that verse was on the test, and she recited it well.

Jersey #3 was proud of himself for completing the written test quickly.  He did not really know many of the answers, but he was pleased to take a guess and fill in a bubble anyway.  

Jersey #2 took the whole thing in stride.

At the closing ceremony, the participants were given an opportunity to stand in front of the crowd and recite a verse.  My children declined that offer.  It was one of our agreements--I would not make them recite in front of the crowd at the end of the program.  They each took turns looking at me to see if I was going to make them recite, but I did not.  

Each participant received a medal, a certificate, and a goody bag.  It is fun to get things to take home at the end of a big day.

The participants who scored in the top 5, on the oral and written exams combined, received additional prizes.

Much to my absolute shock, all 3 of my children placed in the top 5!

They did WAY better than I ever expected of them.

At lunch, when Jersey #1 started calculating that she thought she could have earned 3rd place, I cautioned her to not expect to place this year.  She did not prepare well, and lost many points.

She earned 3rd place!

Jersey #3 earned 4th place.  

Jersey #2 earned 5th place.  She was initially upset that her younger brother scored higher than her.  I reminded her that in Bible Bee, points are lost when you repeat parts of the verse that you already said.  Right now, she is in a huge phase of repeating herself mid-sentence.  That carries over into her verse recitation as well.  It just doesn't have an effect during AWANA, like it does for Bible Bee. After she heard my explanation, she was no longer concerned over how her brother performed better.

As we talked about how each child did on their oral and written exams, I learned that although the children did not study all of the verses on the Bible Bee list, the ones they learned were recited accurately.  Even though they did not complete all of the components to the sword study, they all read the book of the Bible multiple times, and were familiar enough with the subject, to answer questions on the written exam.  (And, lucky for them, some of the other contestants were less prepared, or more nervous, or something).  

My fears that I was setting my children up for failure have been relieved.  I think we all learned some pretty good lessons through this experience.  I am most pleased with how joyfully my children participated in the Bee.

Now, they are talking about wanting to participate again next year...

Church Camp is Supposed to be FUN

We had back-to-back trips this summer.  One week on the mission trip to the Navajo Nation was followed by a weekend to do laundry and pack all over again for a week at church camp.

My kids love church camp.  It is a fun get-away, with many outdoor activities that they do not usually get to enjoy.  Rock climbing, zip line, mud pit, to name a few.  Plus, meals are served in a cafeteria, and we bunk in dorm style lodges.  

Our church attends a church camp that is organized for a handful of churches in 3 different states.  It is pretty neat to see the way they come together for a common purpose.  In the two years our family has attended church camp in the past, our church has only had a few folks attend camp each summer.  

This year was quite different.  This year, we had a bigger attendance than ever before.  There were multiple families going, which meant other Moms (ladies from my church) to get to visit with, worship with, and get to know better.  I was really looking forward to it.  I was envisioning a vacation of sorts, with someone else cooking the meals and cleaning up the kitchen.  I would get to kick back, chat with the other Moms and let our kids enjoy the various fun activities.  Plus, I was looking forward to the lessons and bible study that was going to be taught.  It all sounded so relaxing.

I was in for a rude awakening at church camp this summer.  

I was required to grow.

That was not the 'vacation' I was expecting.

Don't get me wrong.  We still had fun.  We still enjoyed the getaway.  The whole experience was really good.

But, the lessons hit me very close to home.  

I was asked to be a sponsor for some very troubled teen girls.  I do not have experience with teens.  My oldest child is 10.  I thought I was out of my league.  Little did I know, those other ladies from my church, who were suppose to be there to fellowship with me on my 'vacation,' ended up being a team with me, as we ministered to these troubled teens.  Each one of us ladies was forced to face our own weaknesses regarding how we minister to children.....and each one of us was forced to watch each other's strengths show us a better way.  It was absolutely wild to 3 of us ladies, who were Moms ourselves, to see just how ineffective our parenting style can be with other people's children.  We each were stretched to our limit.  We each were put in a position to have to speak to each other about our own weaknesses.  It was not in conflict.  It was not in drama.  These are very loving ladies.  But, it was still difficult.  

One woman shared with me at church two weeks later that she felt church camp really humbled her to the point of feeling awful about herself.  One of the young adult ladies we were with summed it up well when she said that she thought we would all be processing the events of our week at church camp for quite a while.  All of us are certain that we were shown just how much we still need to grow.  Ouch!  

To make matters worse, our Pastor announced that his next sermon series was going to be about growing.

I could not contain my thoughts and immediately blurted out, "Oh no!"  

It was quite clear that church camp was a way for God to give us a good look inside our own hearts, and show us where we really are in our walk with Him.  To know that the next step in our learning is right before us is both scary and awesome at the same time.  God is amazing like that.

  

Jesus Loves the Little Children

Sweet memories are made when we go on our church's mission trip to the Navajo Nation.  The Navajo children really enjoy the love and attention.  The smiles in their eyes just light up the room.  

It is humbling to see the conditions where they live, and the distance from our way of life even though we are in the same country.  I learn more history from the missionaries in that area, than I think I have ever learned in school.  

No matter what the situation, everyone should be aware of God's love, and the free gift of salvation.  That is the most important thing. I try to instill that understanding in my own children.  Before dinner the first evening we were there, I was giving the kids a big lecture about the importance of mission work.  I must have gotten a little too serious at some point.  At the end, I went to ask the children some questions to see if they understood what I had been saying. 

I asked, "So, what is the most important thing?"

Jersey #2 and Jersey #3 answered in unison, "Never trust a plastic hippo!"

Then, they busted out laughing at the fact that they both had the same thought.  I was completely floored.  They were quoting a recent Veggie Tales movie.  They thought they were hilarious.  I was immediately reminded that 1) I had gotten too serious for their level of understanding, 2) these children clearly belong to The Referee (who also quotes movies in humorous ways), and 3) that response was quite funny!

That became the running joke with the kids for the rest of the week.  We had a good time, and they learned a lot about serving others and sharing the Good News about God's Love.

I learned a lot that week too.  Most of the time, my lessons are about patience and control.

I like control.  I do not like to be patient.

Unfortunately, the series of crisis and tragedies and such in my life through the years has left me with a lack of desire for control, and a lack of luster for trying to get my way, which I liken to patience.  

With the current state of my life this year, I am pretty much resolved that I am not in control.  Since I can't plan a moment of my life right now, I am completely patient and waiting for God's next move.  I don't necessarily like it this way, but I accept it for what it is.

While we were on this mission trip, I tried to be mindful of patience and control.  I was working with other adults, some I had just met, and most of us were new to each other and each other's styles.  This mission trip itself is usually full of adventure, so going with the flow is a helpful way to be.

I was trying so hard to not try to control things, that I almost missed a time when I needed to take control.  I had a doubt about one of the crafts that was planned for the week.  Initially I tried to tell myself that I should not say anything, so that I did not come across as trying to be in charge of the crafts, and did not hurt anyone's feelings.  I was so unsettled about it, that I finally just took the example to the group and asked their opinion about my concerns.  The other adults immediately set me straight about why my concerns were valid.  They also offered up a list of relevant craft ideas that would better replace it.  The mission director went so far as to tell me that he would not want that craft on the van with him when he was driving the kids home, because it would be unsafe.  It was eye-opening to me to realize that I was spending so much time trying to show that I was not trying to control the situation, that I almost failed to advocate for safety.  

I took a step back, and let my mission teammate put her craft ideas into place and lead the kids during craft time.  The day she had to handle everything solo (because I had to take care of my ill Jersey #4), my friend clued in on some other areas of weakness in our mission program.  Some of the folks had different expectations.  Others were fatigued.  Others needed some direction.  She and I chatted about these things, I explained how such situations were handled on past trips, and we brainstormed some solutions for this trip.  Still, I let her take the lead in bringing up suggestions or making changes.  I was being extremely careful to not be controlling whatsoever.   

In my past, I have been so controlling in my take-charge approach to things, that I just bowled through folks, knocking them out of my way along the way.  I have enough experience now to know that is not a good way to work with others.  But, apparently, I have been taking things to the opposite extreme, and failing to lead for fear of being too controlling.  I had no idea I had gone so far.  I thought I was being a good team player, and not making waves.

On the last day of our trip, I made waves.

When push came to shove, I had to stand up for what was right.  

One of the teen girls brought her 1-year old nephew with her to class.  She was given instructions to leave her own class and help him participate with the youngest class group.  She was willing to follow these instructions.

I overheard her being told that the baby could not stay.  I moved closer to learn more about what was going on.  Her teacher approached me and asked me what I would do in that situation.  At first, I tried to gently explain that the little boy could either go to the younger class, and the teen girl could join him, or vice versa, and he could attend her class with her.  This is how we handled such things in the past.  When I was told what the teacher of the younger class had already stated that he was too young for her class, I no longer held my tongue.  I remarked that it was an unfortunate response, and that we never turn children away.  When I saw teen teacher's eyes go wide, I knew I was being too forceful, so I tried to ease up.  I offered the solution that I would keep the baby with me, so that the teen girl could go to her class.  I would let him work on crafts, and see what other activities he was interested in.  If the baby had any trouble, I would bring him to her.  The teen and her teacher were very pleased with that solution.  I scooped that little guy in my arms, and braced myself for any confrontation about him being too young for the program.  No one dared to challenge me.  I made it quite clear to anyone who would listen, that we do not turn away children! 

And, then I enjoyed some time with this little cutie who could not yet talk, but who could point and squeal with delight over everything.  He loved stickers, applesauce, and the balls that dipped into the water for game time.  He had a blast during his very first day of Vacation Bible School.

        

My Pastor made a point to share with me that the baby's father thanked him for us allowing the child to be part of our program that day.  I felt validated that I had taken a stand, and it ended well.

But, I still carried guilt about the 'conflict' I perceived with the mission team member who initially wanted to turn him away.  I was trying so hard to get along with everyone and not cause drama.  It did not take me long to revert to my bossy ways, like in my past.  Granted, there was no argument or anything like that.  We did not even discuss the matter with each other at all, but I was poised for an argument, if one came up.  I did not insist the child be in her class if she was uncomfortable with it, but I totally took control and made sure he was not turned away....and made sure that his teen Aunt could continue in her class that was making such an impact on her life this summer.  I was really unsettled with myself in how I handled the situation, because I am trying so hard to love others with the love of Christ, and I felt I had failed in this area when I became bossy and dominate in my solution. 

In church that following Sunday, my Pastor preached a sermon about the importance of children's ministries.  He made an example out of me.  He shared the Bible stories about how Jesus encouraged the children to be brought to Him, when the disciples wanted to turn them away.  Then, Pastor shared the story about how I refused to let this toddler boy be turned away from our Vacation Bible School program in the Navajo Nation.

I was so preoccupied with whether or not my response was disagreeable and causing drama with other members of our mission team, that I completely missed the fact that my stance that no child should be turned away from our program, followed biblical teaching, and was honoring to God.  Here I thought I was burdening my Pastor with conflict on a mission trip, and it turned out he supported me.   

New lesson learned.  But, I am still wrapping my mind around it.  The take-charge-with-a-passion personality trait I possess can be a good thing.  It should not be used to make everyone do what I think is best.  But, it is not the shameful burden that I have come to view it.  

There are times and places where I am going to be called to take a stand and advocate for another, un-apologetically, for God's purpose.  I was given this trait for a reason, and God doesn't make mistakes. 

Whoa!  I did not see that one coming.

I was spending so much time, giving all of my effort, trying to make sure that I was not showing any level of controlling behavior, yet I was falling short.  I had my eyes on myself, and not on God.  

I've got a lot to learn.        

Growing

I do not know what happened to my sense of time.

I have 3 weeks of wonderful pictures and stories to share.

But, I just could not find a minute to stop and put them into a blog post.

Life has been a whirlwind lately.

At one point, I was walking across a yard and I looked up at the sky, and specifically spoke to God to make sure he understood that I did not think I was equipped to handle all that was on my plate right now.  I suggested a more relaxing time instead.  I was pretty sure I had nothing left to give.  

And that was when the growing started.

Growing closer to God.

Growing stronger in my Faith.

Growing more confident in myself.

Growing more patient in my purpose.

The outcome of growth is so wonderful, but the process is so challenging.

In the past 3 weeks, I took the kids on a mission trip to the Navajo Nation.  We spent the following week at church camp.  We made a visit to Granny & PawPaw's house over the weekend, and also visited my sister's house to attend a swim party to celebrate my nephew's birthdays.  The 3rd week was spent in various acts of service to others, a little fun for ourselves, and a giant leap into a new career for me.  We made one final summer visit to Granny & PawPaw's house for the weekend.  Now, we are safely home again.

Yes, I am tired.  Fatigued is a good word for it.  But, the good news is that I am not drained.  I am physically tired from all that travel and service.  But, I am also rejuvenated deep within.  It is an odd response for such a busy time.

I have a houseful of clutter....laundry, dishes, suitcases, oh my! Spoiled-tired kids, and we are completely off our routine.  

But, for the first time in years, I have a strong sense of priority in life, WITHOUT being in the midst of a crisis, allowing me to see with such clarity.  

   

My Hope Is Not In You

During our lunch date to commemorate our 14 years of marriage, my husband and I got into a small discussion about the current state of our marriage.  

Things do not look good.

We are living apart.  He has his own apartment and lives alone.  I remain in our home, and am raising our kids.  He provides 2/3 of his paycheck to support me and the kids.  We communicate well about the kids, and he visits them at least twice a week.  He is suffering from a very serious health issue and has to make major life changes to cope with it.  He no longer blames me for the status of his health, and has apologized for the original blame and hostility.  He praises me and encourages me in how I raise the kids, thanking me for giving them a stable, loving environment, in the midst of our broken family.  

Even though he is so kind with his provision, visits, and appreciation, he does not feel that he is capable of relationships at this time.  He just cannot be a husband to me right now.  He has been very honest about that, and has even said that he is not sure he will ever be able to be a husband again.  He does not envision ever being able to return home again either.  He is trying his very best to be part of the kids' lives, but he feels he fall short as a father as well.  

Sadly, the advice he has been given by coworkers and family has been more destructive than helpful.  The suggestions are very worldly, and focused on personal gain and selfishness.  None of it even comes close to following the Word of God, or doing what is right for the family, or even honoring commitments and vows.  He has been encouraged to get drunk, to have casual sex with a stranger, to get divorced, and to keep more of his paychecks for himself.  It is surprising to me that anyone would think these choices would be helpful to him in any way.  They all seem more destructive, and he has enough problems to contend with already.  Much worse, those choices bring harm to his children.  Anyone who knows him at all knows how his children are more important to him than anything else.  I guess that just goes to show how much his coworkers and family do not really know him at all.  Thankfully, he is not following such awful advice.

During our lunch conversation, he made a point to share with me that his brother believes he is unfairly misleading me.  Since he has no intentions of restoring our marriage and family, his brother has advised him to divorce me and make things final.  My husband assured me that he did not want to mislead me.

I chose to not comment about the fact that his brother does not know me at all, has not spoken to me at all, and is in no position to be assessing whether or not I am being misled.  I am only partially surprised at his insistence that his brother divorce me.  I am sure he believes it will make him look better to be the only brother still married.  That family seems set on encouraging my husband to fail.  It is sad. 

Instead, I communicated to my husband that he was not misleading me.  He has been quite honest with me about his thoughts about his health and our family.  He has been honest about his limits and his desires.  He has not promised me anything better, but instead tells me this is all he has to give right now....and may be all he has to give forever.  I am grateful that he is providing.  I am grateful that he is visiting the kids.  I see that he still cares about me and he really cares about his children.  I see things exactly as they are, and I am learning to be content with that right now.  

And, then, I looked him square in the eye and I told him that I believe the thing that he and his brother are both missing is the fact that

"my hope is not in you."

I am not sitting on edge, waiting for a sign from him that things are getting better or worse.  I am not reading more into my situation than is there.  I am not pressuring him to be something that he cannot be.  

My hope is in God.

I pray that my husband's health will be healed.  I pray that our marriage will be mended.  I pray that our family will be restored.  I know that God is fully capable of all those things.  

I do not know if God will heal, or mend, or restore.  I do not know if it will happen in time, or not at all.  I cannot pretend to understand why we are going through this trial right now.  But, I can see where each of us....my husband...myself....and each of our children....are growing right now.  God is molding us.  We are being prepared for something.  I do not know what the future will bring.  But, I do know that God is in control.  

I also reminded my husband that when people have kids, they don't get a clean break with divorce.  We have children together.  That will always be true.  So, even if he divorces me, he is still stuck with me, as the mother of his children.  Considering how important his children are to him, he is really stuck with me. (Ironically, "our song" is "Happy To Be Stuck With You" by Huey Lewis and the News!)

I do not know if I will get what I want.  But, I do know that God will see me through, and be with me every step of the way.

I did not come to this answer on my own.  I heard this comment spoken to me in the past.  I met a woman who had suffered the death of a child.  She was 23 weeks, 6 days along in her pregnancy, when she went into labor.  The hospital had a policy at the time that they did not try to save babies born before 24 weeks.  My friend tried to argue that by midnight her baby would be 24 weeks along, and that was just a few hours away.  The head doctor argued back that she could be off on her dates.  For some reason, the doctors did not think her baby would survive, and they did not seem interested in trying to save her.  A nurse spoke up and got the doctor to agree to let the nurse monitor the baby's status during the labor, to see if the baby remained alive.  That seemed acceptable, but the team of doctors took turns entering the room through the night to explain all the reasons why they did not think the baby could survive the preterm labor.  As my friend told me her story, she said it was as if the doctors were trying to convince her and her husband that there was no hope.  She then explained that the part the doctors were missing was that their hope did not come from the doctors.  Their hope came from God.  It turned out that their baby girl was born at exactly 24 weeks gestation.  She entered the world crying, and breathing on her own, which was a complete shock to the hospital staff.  She lived for 45 days in the NICU, until a skin infection took her life (a baby's skin is so thin at that age.  It is not as capable of protecting the body the way a full term baby, or older person's skin can perform).  The head doctor was not allowed in the room for the delivery, because my friend feared that due to his lack of desire to treat her baby, he may actually attempt to kill it instead.  Even after all that she had been through, my friend prayed that this doctor would have a change of heart toward the lives of the babies in his future deliveries.  Her story, and her explanation of hope, has stuck with me all these years.  

As I sat at the table, enjoying lunch out with my husband on our 14th anniversary, I listened to him explain how bleak our marriage relationship really is, and how he has been advised to just get a divorce and be done with it, in order to help me see that I am living on false hope.  

Immediately, my mind declared that MY HOPE IS IN CHRIST!

I tried to gently explain that I was not being misled.  I was not even believing things were good.  I do see how things are better, and I am happy to celebrate that.  I am happy to share the status of improvement with my friends and family, especially the ones who I know are praying for us.  Six months ago, my husband was in a state of hostility and blame, directed right at me.  I feel as though I have been walking through a living hell this entire year so far.  So much has improved in those 6 months.  The blame is gone.  The hostility is gone.  He is providing, and caring, and visiting, and communicating in truth.  He is soul-searching and taking responsibility for his own health.  He is being kind toward me.  We can talk and communicate about the kids and about our past and present life.  We can even dine together and enjoy the delicious food.  

But, my hope for our future is not in any of those positive changes.  My hope is not in his ability to mend or find stability in his health.  My hope is not in time healing all wounds.  My husband is not my source of hope.

My God is my source of hope.  

No matter what happens to our marriage, to our family, and to our life as each day passes into the future, I know that God is in control.  

  

       

Blessed With Hotdogs

I did not reach out for help this past week, as I was enduring the worst week of my life.

But, help was plentiful all week long.

God is SO Good!

It started with my Mom giving me money for gas for my travels to her house.  I was really short on funds, and trying to make ends meet until the next payday.  I knew I could ask my parents for gas money, and they would generously give.  My Mom continues to tell me to let her know if I need anything.  I thought about asking.  I really questioned if I was to that point that I should ask for a hand-out or not.

I decided to not ask.  I decided to pray for guidance.  I knew that God would provide for my needs.  What I did not know is if I was the point of "need" yet, or was I just wanting to be comfortable and not worry about my bank account going empty.  I tried to calculate if I had remembered all of my expenses for the upcoming week, or was I forgetting about something.  I filled my van with gas, and took the trip, hoping that I had all of my bases covered until payday.  

I arrived at my Mom's house and found an envelope on the guest bedroom dresser that was labeled as "gas money" for me.  God provided for my needs, through my parents, and I did not even have to ask.  I did remember to say thank you.  I was touched by their generosity.  That money filled my tank again, giving me enough gas to return home and also to visit the Youth Ranch twice during the week.

Next, came cash from my sister.  She had a garage sale, and sold a desk that I had previously given to her.  Even though I no longer owned the desk, she gave me the money for it because she said it was mine.  I took that money, and the change I had in my change bank, and made a deposit, to put my mind at ease in case an expense came up during the week.  

Next came the dryer part.  My dryer was trying to break down.  A friend and his wife came over Monday evening to fix it.  He told me in advance that he had a part for it, but if the part was not necessary, he could return it easily.  I was nervous about the expense of fixing the dryer.  I was prepared to make the tough decision about whether or not to fix it, based on the cost of repair.  I was also willing to ask my friend if I could pay him back on Friday, which was payday.  It turned out that the part was needed, and it fixed up the dryer nicely.  My friend told me that I owed him absolutely nothing for parts or services, and that expense was already covered by someone else.  I have no idea if he paid for it himself, or if he was referring to a third party helping me out.  It was too vague, but I was grateful.  What a relief to not have a big repair expense.  In addition, my friend ran to the store and bought 2 bulbs to replace my security light in the front of my house.  

While I was sitting at the dining table, talking with my friend's wife while he fixed the dryer, I glanced over and noticed $5 sticking out of the bag that my sister had brought me.  I was puzzled because I thought I put the money she gave me for the desk into the bank.  I did not realize there was $5 still left in the bag.  How nice it was to have some cash on hand in my pocket.  How nice it really was when Jersey #1 ripped her swim cap during her meet Tuesday morning, and I had the $5 to buy her a replacement cap!  

The Lord will provide for all of our needs...   

Tuesday morning, I gathered up all the water bottles and random snacks I could find to keep the kids fed during the swim meet.  I had just enough items to keep them content, but nothing near what I normally have in stock.  I tossed the ingredients for Chili into the crockpot before we left that morning, so that I could assure the kids that there was a big meal waiting for them for lunch at home.  I had to say no to the request to join the swim team out for lunch after the meet.  There was no budget for a meal out.  

While we were at the meet, I received an email from my Pastor, asking if I could send out a reminder about the church potluck BBQ for the 4th of July.  It said to bring hot dogs, hamburgers, and side dishes.  My mind raced as I went over the contents of my fridge and pantry.  I had foods for making meals to get us through the week...chilli and enchiladas, for example....but I did not account for picnic or potluck BBQ foods.  What in the world was I going to bring?  (Now, I know that it would have been perfectly acceptable to show up to the church picnic without a dish to share.  Our loving church family would have been just fine with that.)  I tried to calculate my bank account from the top of my head to see if I had enough to buy some hotdogs or something cheap like that to bring.  Ugh!  I was going to have to look at the details at home, because I could not come up with a good solution, from the top of my head, right there at the swim meet.

As I was leaving the meet, I received a phone call from a friend.  Since I was in the midst of loading up the kids and the cooler and such, I did not answer.  My friend left a message that said I needed to let her know when I would be home, because the items she wanted to bring me could not be left out in the heat. I was expecting a bucket from her, but could not remember what else she was bringing me.  Since she is getting ready to move, it could really be anything.  I texted her back that I was heading home, and she could come over in an hour, and I would be there.

My friend showed up at my house with a 4th of July goody basket for me and the kids!  It was the coolest thing.  In addition to the bucket she had told me she was giving me, she had it filled with glow sticks, a cartoon movie, squirt guns, mandarin oranges, lemonade, hot dogs, and buns.  She was so excited to bring it to me, knowing that I was going to be having a tough week.  She wanted to do something nice for me.  Her husband suggested she get me a gift card, but she said I would only spend it on the kids.  Her friend suggested a movie-night themed gift basket, and that idea morphed into the 4th of July themed basket instead.  She could hardly wait for me to get home so she could bring it over.  I was flattered.  I was blessed.  I was touched.

But, what struck me the most was the hot dogs.  I shared with her how I had forgotten about the church picnic and did not include potluck foods in my budget this week.  I told her how I was racking my brain trying to figure out how I could scrounge up enough cash to buy some hot dogs or something to take.  I told her that I knew this was a God-thing, because how else would she know that I needed some hot dogs?  We both were amused when it suddenly dawned on her that she had brought me 2 packages of buns, but 3 packages of hot dogs.  She apologized for the miscalculation.  I started laughing and told her that the funny thing was that I actually had 1 package of hot dog buns in my freezer, but did not have any hot dogs to go with it.  

What a blessing to have plenty of picnic foods to bring to the church picnic.  Plus, all the kids loved the glow sticks and squirt guns.  Since risk of fire was such a danger that night, the glow sticks made great night-time fun on the 4th of July.  


God is SO Good!



Babysitting was another need this past week, and God provided.  Our regular babysitters were out of town for the week, and I did not realize it at first.  After they did not respond to my messages, I caught a clue.  I was not sure how I was going to find someone to babysit, even for lunch, on the 4th of July holiday.  Much to my surprise, a young lady from church was off work that day, and willing to come over and watch my kids.  Plus, she was willing to let me pay her when I saw her at church on Sunday (after payday), instead of that day.  (Actually, she was willing to babysit for free, but I didn't want her to do that.)

I also needed a sitter for Jersey #5 on Friday, because the older kids and I were scheduled to volunteer at a food bank.  Children had to be at least 6 years old, for insurance reasons.  Thankfully, I was able to contact a friend from church who was more than willing to have Jersey #5 over at her house all morning. I thought her daughter was at camp all week, which was why I hesitated to ask her to babysit.  But, it turned out the daughter was home already, and they were happy to have a tiny tot around to bring them some laughter after a tough week at their house.  It is such a relief to have such kind and loving people be willing to watch my kids when the need arises.

We were scheduled to work out at the Youth Ranch twice this past week too.  I thought it would do me some good to keep busy, but really I exhausted myself all week, when I was already emotionally exhausted from grief, in the first place.  So, it turned out to be a foolish idea to keep busy all week.  I did not want to fall short on my offer to work at the Ranch.  Thankfully, God took care of me there too.  I am usually asked to water trees or lead an activity, where I am with the crowd of visitors.  Out of the blue, Cowboy Max asked me to 'supervise' a junior volunteer who would be doing a task in the corral with the horses.  For safety reasons, he wanted an adult to be present while she worked.  Even though she had plenty of experience, someone needed to be available to get help if she needed it.  So, my job at the Ranch was to hang out and look like an adult.  That gave me lots of quiet time to think and no pressure to be real social and outgoing (which was something that I just did not have the energy for anyway).  Yet, I "looked" like I was helping and serving at the Ranch, and I was giving Jersey #1 an opportunity to work in the Junior Volunteer Program.  I still can't believe how well that worked out, when I thought I was going to totally tank on my commitment.  

I was dreading the 4th of July this year.  It was my 14th Anniversary, and I am estranged from my husband.  Plus, it is a holiday that our church tends to celebrate with a big social gathering.  It is not easy to be social when you are grieving a loss.  I had previously considered the idea of asking my husband if he would like to go out for a meal for our anniversary, but I did not have the funds to offer.  So, I had let the idea go.  Much to my surprise, my husband asked me if I wanted to go out to dinner to commemorate our anniversary!  He told me that he had been thinking about it, and it seemed that 14 years of marriage, and our 20 years together really should be recognized.  When I told him that was exactly what I was wanting to do this year, but I did not have any money to pull it off, he assured me that he would cover the cost.  What a treat!  I was able to enjoy a lunch date with my husband, and commemorate the fact that we are still married.  I was thrilled to actually reach another anniversary.  It has been a long year already, and a tough year at that.  So, taking the time to acknowledge where we were and where we are now, was great.  I enjoyed every minute of it.  The restaurant was nice.  The food was great.  The conversation was good.  I even enjoyed a laugh.  Coincidentally, it was the same restaurant that we dined at for our 13th anniversary, right after we had gone for massages, for the first time ever.  We were certainly in a different mindset a year ago, but it was so wonderful to see just how far we have come up from darkness and tragedy.

I thank God for that opportunity to take a breather like that, in the midst of this long journey we appear to be on.  I was at peace with the current state of my marriage and family.


It was even nice to be able to go to the church BBQ, and not feel sad or tearful.  Instead, I enjoyed the company and enjoyed celebrating the holiday with friends.  


As if the blessings were not plentiful enough all week long, my sister emailed me to suggest that she could bring Jersey #4 back from Granny & PawPaw's house, and take Jersey #3 in return.  I was planning to take that trip, but she took it for me because she was already coming to town.  It actually was our youngest sister's idea that she transport the grandkids like that.  It had not dawned on either of us that she could do the transport since she was coming to town anyway.  It all worked out beautifully.  I was able to see my sister, brother-in-law, and nephews, and I did not have to make a road trip to exchange kids with their grandparents.  That gave me more flexibility to go to the grocery store on payday, and have plenty of snacks and drinks on hand for Saturday's swim meet.  


By the end of the week, my perspective and my attitude were completely changed.  It was a major overhaul.  Every single detail of my life was handled, and not by me.  Every item that I thought about and tried to figure out in my own strength, was taken care of fully, even though I did not say a word.


I even found rest when swim practice was canceled due to lightning one night.  I told the kids that we were going to bed early that night, and I would start fresh earlier the next morning.  What a difference to get a good night's rest like that!


My Pastor told me that the friend who fixed my dryer had talked to him, so he already knew the dryer needed to be fixed.  He told me that next time, I should tell him when I have a need like that.  He said the same thing about the gravestone.  At the time I was talking about the gravestone, I told him that it was a personal desire, not a true need, so I didn't bring it up.  With the dryer, I had reached a point of deciding that I was just going to make due with what I had, and not expect to have more than I do.  I was not in the mindset of fixing it.  I was in the mindset of how can I get laundry dry anyway.  I have let go of my expectations for my life.  I have let go of my entitlements.  I am trying to stay focused on God, and living my life to serve Him.

Even though I know that my friends and family will help me with food and finances, so my basic needs will always be met, I do not find it necessary to ask for help right now.  Instead, I am waiting on God.  He supplies all of my needs, in His perfect timing.  He knows all of my needs without me even having to ask.  He knows my thoughts.  He knows my desires.  My prayer is that I will be aware of His guidance and direction for my life, and that I will live in such a way that is honoring to Him.

And weeks like this past week where I was too grieved to function, I simply put one foot in front of the other to keep moving forward, and God took care of everything....even the hot dogs.

God is SO Good!