I heard a song on the radio recently that rocked my world.
The group is Kutless.
The song is "Even If The Healing Doesn't Come"
Now, I will admit that I am not musically talented. I don't have rhythm. I can't hear/carry a tune. I can't sing. I do not play a musical instrument. I can't even clap on beat. So, I am unqualified to evaluate the music itself.
It was the words that gripped me.
I usually like a song, based on its lyrics. My favorite songs are the ones that tell a story or have a great point.
I tuned in to this song when I heard the first few lines to the chorus:
Even if the healing doesn't come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
I was immediately convicted.
My family is not healed. My marriage relationship is not healed. My life is a mess right now. My dreams are not accomplished. It is as if the chorus of that song was written from my own thoughts and insecurities.
But, the next few lines put it all into perspective:
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn't come
The lessons from church camp rang through my head. I remember the evangelist saying, "It may not all work out for your personal benefit." He was explaining how God's ways are higher than our ways. God has a plan, for sure, but it does not mean that the lives of Christians are going to be great (while here on Earth).
I admit that I have been struggling. I have not written a blog post in a while. I could easily blame it on being too busy. I can also blame it on being too overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions that I could not write clearly.
It has taken me this long to accept that my marriage is over.
Technically, we have been living as if we are divorced all year, without actually making the divorce legal. My husband has moved out. He has visitation with the children. All interaction is business-like, to discuss the children and the finances. He has no intention of returning home, or restoring our marriage or our family. He does not wear his wedding ring. He does not consider us a couple. He has full support of his mother and brothers, who encourage him to divorce me. They do not value marriage.
I do value marriage.
Marriage is one of my core values.
I made a point to prepare myself that marriage is forever. Through thick and thin, failure was not an option. I insisted that my soon-to-be-husband heard me clearly that if he was going to commit to marrying me, that I was serious that it had to be forever.
Unfortunately, his commitment was not genuine. He does not value marriage. He is choosing to continue the legacy of divorce and broken family that his parents established.
The first time he had a mental breakdown and walked out on his life, I was shattered. I could not believe that my entire life could be altered by someone else, and I did not even get a vote. It took me a while to accept that reality.
This time around, I am not shocked that it can happen. I have been having such a hard time accepting it though.
Months ago, a friend suggested I was having a hard time because marriage was one of my core values. I did not process her wise words well enough at that time.
Lately, I have been process the details of my life, but I am still struggling.
I sought counsel with my Pastor who put it bluntly when he told me I was feeling shattered to the core. My marriage has completely failed, regardless of the preparation I did to prevent it, and regardless of my wishes. I do not get a say here. It doesn't matter how much I value marriage, my husband is ripping that core right out of my being.
(It reminds me of the video game Mortal Kombat, where the winning character reaches into the losing opponent and rips their beating heart right out of their chest, and holds it up overhead. I always thought that graphic was disgusting. Oh how many times did I watch my husband play that video game, while we were dating, and had no clue it was a picture of what he would later do to our marriage.)
The confession that came out as I was speaking with my Pastor is that my Faith is shaken right now. That scares me.
I have been through numerous levels of crisis in my life (and I honestly think losing a child is the worst one possible), and yet my Faith has been intact, and actually able to grow. But, this divorce crisis has really done a number on me. I have been questioning everything I believe, everything that I think, and everything that I am. It has been really hard to go to church. I have been thinking that if I am such a failure as a Christian...because I have been completely rejected as a wife, even though I valued marriage so much...then maybe I don't belong in church. Maybe God doesn't like me either.
Pastor encouraged me that my Faith is shaken right now, but it is not shattered.
Just like the song says, I have to set my faith in the knowledge of who God is.
So we set our faith in who You are
Even though You reign high above us
You tenderly love us
We know Your heart
And we rest in who You are
As the fog of doubts starts to clear, I see that I have been making marriage an idol. Marriage is referenced so often in Christian teaching, and is very important. But, I had made it too important. Just like every other thing in my life that I valued too much....medical school, babies, finances, a big house...this idol is being ripped away from me. I am being forced to pick myself up and move forward without it.
I am being forced to decide if I will trust God, even if I lose this desire of my heart.
Once again, I am answering YES.
My Pastor was correct. My Faith is not broken by a failed marriage. My husband rejects me, but God still loves me.
I continue to pray for a miracle.
But I know God is Good...
Even if the healing doesn't come.
Sometimes all we have to hold on to
Is what we know is true of who You are
So when the heartache hits like a hurricane
That could never change who You are
And we trust in who You are
Even if the healing doesn't come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn't come
Lord we know your ways are not our ways
So we set our faith in who You are
Even though You reign high above us
You tenderly love us
We know Your heart
And we rest in who You are
You're still the Great and Mighty One
We trust You always
You're working all things for our good
We'll sing your praise
You are God and we will bless You
As the Good and Faithful One
You are God and we will bless You
Even if the healing doesn't come
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