Awesome

Jersey #2 gave me the coolest compliment.

She said, "Thanks for helping me get back to awesome again!"

For me, this was a motherhood medal of honor.

It really feels good to know that I have helped my child in such a big way.

I told Jersey #2 that this was the job of a Mother--to help her children return to awesome after they have had a rough time.

The back story is that the night before, Jersey #2 was in a pretty emotional, moody state.  She cried and cried as she explained to me just how difficult she viewed her life at that moment. 

I listened.  I tried to comfort her.  I tried to encourage her.

We talked about some of the topics that were on her mind.  It seems to work well for me to have these times of listening and encouraging, especially when my daughters are emotional.  I guess I just did not realize that the tween years have such drama and moodiness to them.  

Plus, I realize my children are grieving too.  They will each grieve in their own way, based on their age and stage of development.  Each one has to process the death of their brother, the sadness of their Mom, and the absence of their Daddy in our home.  

I also explained to her that sometimes our emotions fool us into believing life is much harder than it really is.  Crying is a natural response.  It is the way the body releases emotional stress and relaxes itself.  I told her sometimes you just need a good cry.  I let her know that things may look pretty sad that night, but things will look much brighter and more manageable in the morning, especially after a good cry and a good night's sleep.  

After a long talk, a good cry, and big hugs, I tucked her into bed and let her know that she was tough, and tomorrow was a new day.

Sure enough, she woke up in brighter spirits and no more tears.  She even made a comment to me that things did look better in the morning.  She wondered how I knew.

After a big day of fun in the sun and all kinds of activities, she was packing up to go spend time with her Dad.  As she got ready to leave, she turned to me and said, "Thanks for everything, Mom."

At first, this made The Referee and I chuckle.  It was such an odd comment, and really out of place for that moment.

Then, Jersey #2 explained that she was feeling better about life again, and appreciated our talk the night before.  It was sweet that she took the time to thank me like that.

I think it is cool that she sees herself as awesome.  I like her viewpoint that when she is feeling better, she has returned to awesome again.  

I have been thinking about her description all night, and how that perspective is helpful in my own  recent emotional state.

I would like to get back to awesome again too.  

Layers

I was not prepared to learn that my grief has layers.

It is complicated.

It is painful.

It is exhausting.

Just as I thought I was making tremendous progress in a forward direction, in terms of grieving the premature death of my son, I found myself sitting in the depths of despair again.

Oh, the heartache!

This time around, I was feeling the overwhelming sadness of the death of my marriage.

Oh yeah, I guess I didn't ever take the time to really deal with that.  From the time that my husband announced he wanted to quit, I have been in survival mode, or comforting myself with the anticipation of the new baby.  I did not take the time to accept or feel the deep emotions that come from such betrayal and rejection.

Rejection hurts.

Being betrayed by the person you loved, married, and chose to share your life with, is intensely painful.  

My trials are so complicated these days, that it appears I have to grieve each loss, a layer at a time.  Ugh.  This is no fun.  

I say the death of a child is the worst pain that can be experienced.

I am fairly certain that the betrayal of a spouse is the closest 2nd place pain possible.

At least with the death of a child, I have the comfort of knowing my children are in a better place and I will see them again in heaven.  God is in control.  That comfort helps ease the pain.

With the death of my marriage, at the hands of my husband, there is no comfort.  I don't get a say.  I don't get a choice.  I don't get a vote.  I am expected to accept it and deal with it, regardless of my personal thoughts and feelings about it.  

It takes 2 to Tango....But, apparently, it only takes 1 person to quit and leave the dance floor.  

When we were told that our daughter, Mackenzie, had died in the womb just 3 days before her due date, I was shocked to learn that such a thing could even happen.  I was completely naive about such tragedy.  I was not prepared for such bad news.  It haunted me for years that I never even realized such a thing could happen to me....until after it happened.

That is exactly where I am, right now, with the end of my marriage.  Even though I am aware that divorce is common, I dismissed it as a possibility.  I was completely naive that such a tragedy could happen to me.  I don't even get a choice in the matter.  I value marriage.  It is not a legal contract to be changed over time.  It is a covenant that lasts a lifetime.  I did not realize that my husband was capable of breaking his promises, and quitting on our life together.  I trusted him explicitly.  It never crossed my mind that he would ever betray me.

I have been in a complete tailspin lately.  I keep asking "how is this possible?"

It does not help matters that I do not have a clear understanding as to why my husband is rejecting me like this.  His comments are not consistent.  Some times he tells me it is him, he needs to be alone, and that I don't deserve this at all.  Other times, he tells me that he needed to get away from me specifically, he was never happy in our marriage, and I was just ruining his life.  

My self esteem is under assault.  

What is so horrible about me?  Am I that bad of a person??

I try to logically remind myself of the truth about our life together.  He did love me once.  There was a time when I was very important to him.  There was a time when he said I was the best thing that happened to him.  Life has been tough for us, for sure.  But, the challenges were not in my control.  I can't cause job losses, bully coworkers, and health problems.  I just don't see how it can be my fault, the way that he seems to see it.  Even to this day, it is obvious he still cares about me.  He continues to show acts of kindness towards me.  He also takes the time to remind me regularly that he does not want to be with me, as a couple, anymore.

Rejection is very painful.

Rejection from the person who knows you best, with whom you are most vulnerable, is gut-wrenching.

Grieving the death of my marriage is torment.

The hopes and dreams and plans are gone.  There is no hope for the future.  There is no time to look forward to, in the way we look forward to seeing our children again in heaven.  The death of the marriage is a death in hell, completely separated from anything good. 

The way that I have had to manage these layers of grief is to rely solely on God.  No other human can really tell me that I am valuable as a wife.  How would they know?  When this level of despair has me questioning my own self worth, I have to remind myself to look at myself the way that God sees me.

God loves me, even if my husband does not.

The cold, hard reality of my situation is that the marriage is dead.  There is no going back to it now.  There is no way to fix it.  The damage is done.  Any level of relationship with my husband would have to be a new relationship.  We just can't resume where we left off after all that has transpired.

Thankfully, there is opportunity to maintain a friendship for the sake of our children.  We both share the common goal of wanting what is best for our children.

So, I am giving myself permission to grieve the death of my marriage.  I seek comfort from God to enable me to carry the pain of this rejection and loss.  

I can feel hurt.  I can feel angry.  But, I cannot take revenge.  I must leave the consequences to God.

I must focus on raising our children.

The misconception about a broken marriage, when you have kids together, is that there really is no clean break.  For the rest of our lives, we are going to be the parents of our kids.  They will go through milestones in life....graduations, weddings, career achievements, and children of their own.....where they will want both of their parents to join them in celebration.  We will continue to be the parents, and eventually the grandparents, of the family we formed.  

All because two people fell in love....

We are stuck together as the center of our family.  Until death do we part.

Ironically, *our song* is "Happy To Be Stuck With You" by Huey Lewis and the News.

It is Ok to laugh.

Clearly, God has a sense of humor.

Double Set of Twin Cousins

Jersey #3 and Jersey #5 spent a couple days with their cousins, during Spring Break.

My sister had a son 3 months after I had Jersey #3.  

Her second son is 2 months older than Jersey #5.  

We did not plan it that way, but it sure makes visits quite interesting to have double sets of *twin* cousins.

The 6-year olds have been friends from the start.  Their attachment to each other is amazing, considering their different personalities and the fact that they do not see each other but a handful of times each year.  They keep each other entertained so much that Granny & PawPaw even have them visit together, for their summer visits.  

Even though my sister was sick during Spring Break, she managed to take the boys out and about.  They had a blast.

Chat with Mom

While I was visiting with my parents, I was blessed to have the opportunity to have a heart-to-heart talk with my Mom.

Mom knows the pain of losing a child.  When I was 2 years old, my baby brother was born.  He only lived 4 days.  He contracted pneumonia, which took his life.

Mom was a great source of comfort when my daughter, Mackenzie, arrived stillborn.

She was a comfort, once again, when I needed time to talk about the death of my son, Titus.

We talked about the heartbreak.  The loss of hopes and dreams and plans.  The desire to have the baby in my arms again.  She understood.  

Then, she gently reminded me that if we really stop to think about it, in order to have our children back in our arms, we would be denying them the pleasures of heaven.

Of course, I don't want that to happen.  I realize that my desires are truly selfish.  I do not want to deny Titus the joys of heaven.  He is better off there.

Mom understood that it is hard to pray for God's will regarding our children, over our own desires.

I talked to her about how I was finally able to get to the point of praying that prayer, just a couple months before Jersey #2's most recent open-heart surgery.  For months, I fretted over the outcome of that surgery, and the potential to lose her too.  It was such a struggle to finally get to the point to be able to pray to God that I wanted His will for my daughter's life over my own desires to keep her with me.  

To be honest, the struggle was so difficult, that I was surprised that she survived open-heart surgery.  I thought that the effort it took to get me to that point of faith was SO huge, that clearly I was being prepared to lose her.

My Mom laughed at my dramatic explanation, and reminded me that God only required that Abraham be willing to sacrifice his own son, in obedience to God......He did not intend for Isaac to actually be killed. 

My Mom is so wise.

PawPaw and Granny's House

The kids and I enjoyed a couple days at PawPaw and Granny's house.  

The kids always have a blast with their grandparents.  There is always fun and sugar there.

I enjoyed the break.  Sometimes it is nice to get out of the city and go where it is quiet.  My parents gave me extra time to think and sleep as well.  It was a really nice visit.

Unfinished

My Dad knits a baby blanket for each of his grandbabies.  

He had already started on the blanket he was making for Titus.

The day I called to say that Titus had died in the womb, my Dad stopped knitting on the blanket.  He wanted to wait and see what I wanted to do with the blanket.  He thought I might want it right where it was at the time of the baby's death.

My Mom thought he was crazy.  She said of course I would want the blanket, for my memory box.  She thought the blanket should be finished.  

Without telling me their thoughts, my parents waited to see what I wanted.  

My Mom gently approached the subject and told me about the blanket.  As she started to ask what I wanted, I suggested I would like to have the blanket, and I thought Dad should just cast it off his needles at whatever size it was currently.

My Mom's jaw literally dropped open.  She could not contain her surprise at my answer.

She said that was EXACTLY what my Dad thought I would want to do with the blanket.  She said that clearly we think alike.  She does not understand our thinking.

I enjoyed a good laugh at surprising my Mom with my similarity of thought to my Dad.  I've got great parents.

My Dad cast the blanket off his needles and gave it to me.  The blanket is so soft and precious.

It seemed fitting to me to have the unfinished blanket that was meant for the baby who did not get the opportunity to finish growing.

Baptism

We attended my nephew's baptism yesterday. 

My nephew recently accepted Jesus as his Savior!  HALLELUJAH!!!!

It is always a blessing when a person comes to the realization that we are all sinners, who do not live up to God's standards.  God cannot be in the presences of sin.  Our punishment is an eternity in hell--forever separated from God.  

There is hope!  God loves us so much that he sent his son, Jesus, to die for our sins.  Jesus, being without sin, is the only one who can pay the penalty for everyone, with His life.  When a person accepts the gift of salvation.....accepts that Jesus died for his/her sins.....there is cause for celebration!  A new person has been added to God's Kingdom.  Their sins are forgiven, and they will spend eternity in heaven with God.

HALLELUJAH!

My nephew was brave enough to go forward for baptism soon after.

Baptism is not a requirement for heaven.  It is an act of obedience.  

When He was on Earth, Jesus was baptized, and instructed Christians to follow in his footsteps.

Baptism is a public admission of Faith.

It is a picture....a visual....of the death and resurrection of Jesus.

As a believer is lowered into the water, it is a picture of death to sin.

As a believer is raised up out of the water, it is a picture of life everlasting!

I think baptism services are so beautiful in the way they provide an explanation of salvation with both auditory and visual.

It was nice to get the opportunity to attend my nephew's baptism, and to celebrate with his family, his very mature decision to follow Christ.  

Psalm 37

I recently heard the advice that sometimes when you are facing adversity, you just have to answer... 

"I don't know why this is happening.  But, I know that God is good.  I will just have to trust Him."

I totally had to repeat that to myself for a couple extra-sad days.

I had no idea that was the answer to my woes pertaining to "the desires of my heart."

Psalm 37:4 says...

Delight thyself also in the LORD: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart 

Having heard this piece of scripture many times, I have been in a steady state of despair about how having a baby....specifically Baby Titus....was the desire of my heart!  Everyone knows that!  Yet, I do not get to have this baby to raise.  So, what's up with this tragedy in my life then???

The next answer folks say is that you are suppose to line your desire up with God's will.

Ok.  But God loves babies.  He specifically calls them blessings.  

Hello!  Wouldn't my desire for a baby be lined up with God then???

I already know and accept that God is good.  Here is where I will just have to trust Him.

Knowing that it is not usually a good idea to pick a single Bible verse and have a full debate with it, I decided to take the time to read the whole Psalm 37.  I learned a few really helpful things, most of which return to the advice to trust God.

Psalm 37:5 takes it a step deeper to suggest I roll out my woes to God, and then trust Him with them...

 ⁵Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.

That is certainly much nicer than trying to work out all my pains on my own.  

My personal take-home message from Psalm 37:

• lay out all of the burdens of my life to God
• Trust God
• God is Good.  

I realize there is a whole lot more to expand on here.  Other verses come to mind even as I study Psalm 37.  Delight in the Lord......Love the Lord with all you've got, first.....love your neighbor next...  Cast all your cares on Him....etc.    

Right now, I am not trying to be a Biblical scholar.  I am just trying to work my way from thinking like a victim, to thinking like a survivor.  Right now, I need simple:

God is Good.  He is well-aware that I am heartbroken right now.  I am going to just trust Him.

Ok

When folks ask me how I am doing, I generally try to be honest.  

I don't want to always just answer, "I'm Ok," when in fact, I am not.

So, I will answer that I am having a better day today.  Or, I am having a tougher day today.  I usually follow that up with some sort of statement that I tend to have better days and worse days, and that the better days are becoming more frequent.  On my worst days, I mention if I am struggling to make sense of the challenges in my life right now.  

Providing that much more detail helps folks connect.  I can always tell which people have experienced tragedy and grief, because their understanding nods, sighs, and responses are really quite understanding.

Even folks who would usually be fine with a superficial answer, seem to readily engage in conversation when I give honest feedback to their inquiry.

I find it helpful to put words to my feelings.  I also like the way it helps me keep my feelings in perspective from day to day.  I can literally see the sadness and pain is lessening than previous weeks, based on how I describe it.

The most beneficial aspect of giving an honest answer is that I receive honest comfort.  Folks are genuine in their responses.  There is no mistaking their care and compassion.

Closer friends are accustomed to my details when they ask how I am doing.

Yesterday, I was simply Ok.

That response actually startled people.

"Just Ok?  How are you really?"

I had to explain.  Really, I am just doing Ok today.

I am struggling with some emotions as if it were a bad day, but I am also going and doing as if it were a good day.  I am feeling fairly neutral about it all.

I'd say I am just Ok today.

But, I am Ok with that.

Sometimes is is Ok to just be Ok.

Video Game Obsession

Jersey #3 has a video game obsession.

He is most often found with a Wii remote in his hand.  

He switches from games on the Wii, to games on the computer, to games on his personal video game system (Nintendo DS).  He has some sort of beacon to immediately find video games that may be in the back of a restaurant, or other business establishment.

He is our early bird, and typically the first child awake in our home each morning.  He uses it to his advantage, and enjoys some uninterrupted Wii time.  

Before he learns the name of another boy his age, he will learn the video game status of their household.

"Mom, I met a new friend today.  He has a Wii.  He doesn't have a DSi though, he has the older model DS.  He has a same game as me.  He is on level 6.  I am going to teach him how to get to level 7"  

He asks for new video games for every birthday, Christmas, or when Nana visits.

When he was younger, he was this obsessed with trains for a few years.  A couple years ago, he transferred his obsession from trains to video games.  

I do not play video games of any sort.  I do not enjoy them.  I am not sure where the fun is to be had.  Personally, I think video games are a waste of time.  I told The Referee that he should write a Wii game that covered kindergarten skills, so that it had a point to it.  

I admit it is fun to watch him play boxing or jedi duel games on the Wii.  He is ambidextrous, so he can put a remote in each hand, and play both sides of the battle.  It is fascinating.

His visual/spatial "gift" that causes him to flip letters that are the same shape (b/d or M/W or p/q, for example), seems to help him navigate 3-D video games with ease.

I don't have a clue how to help Jersey #3 complete any "levels" on his games.  I get dizzy just watching him play, with the amazing graphics on some of those games.  He learned to beat the games on his own, or to wait for The Referee to come home to help him when he got really stuck.  

He would call me or his older sisters into the room to read the screen for him.  I always thought it was odd the way he could maneuver through the menus of the video games even before he could read.

Last month, I made a comment to him that he could read well enough now that he should be able to read the character comments on the games himself.  I've also told him that it is a good thing his reading is consistently improving, or else I would have to reduce his Wii time.

Tonight, he showed me that he could read the comments on the video game just fine.

He even read the word "adventure."

I was impressed enough to say that maybe Mario isn't all that bad.

Still, is there a way we can get Mario to take an adventure through the USA states and capitals, or climb a tower of mathematics?

1 Month

Today marks 1 month since our son Titus was stillborn.

A single month certainly can pass quickly.

I am so very thankful that I took pictures of Titus after his birth, and that my friend took pictures for me.  I treasure those pictures, since I am not able to hold my baby anymore.  Seeing pictures of myself holding him is comforting to me.  I get a snapshot of an extremely important moment in my life.  

I am pleased with how I am doing these days.  Grieving is a process, and I feel like I am making progress through the process.  Sadness is apparent, but not as intense.  Most days I am able to smile and laugh again.  I have many more good days than tough days lately.  

I am still having difficulty with one area: sleep.  I am not sleeping well.  I get tired.  I go to bed on time, and even early sometimes.  But, sleep evades me.  I toss and turn and try every trick I can think of to rest.  This is such a switch from 2 weeks ago when I was so exhausted that I could drink Mountain Dew and immediately take a nap.  (I've actually eliminated caffeine in the evenings now, in an attempt to wind down for bedtime).  I am thinking my body is going to have to give in soon and get a good night's sleep.  Time will tell.  

Other than the sleep issue, I am feeling physically well.  I think I have healed nicely from childbirth.  My energy is returning.  My body is feeling stronger again.

I am glad that I took the time to write blog posts about my grief in the early days, because it is nice to read them and see just how far I've come in a month.  Reading about the intensity of my sadness and pain reminds me.  It is nice to realize that I do not feel that level of intensity today.  I am hoping this means that I am on a good path.  I know the emotion has the ability to blindside me again in the future, as that is just how grief cycles sometimes.  Right now, I feel confident I will have the strength to handle it when the time comes. 

I am starting to evaluate my life and make plans again.  I am goal-oriented, so this is a refreshing step for me.  I am trying to be careful to not rush into anything, fearing I will overwhelm myself.  Focusing on areas of homemaking and homeschooling is certainly enough to keep me moving forward right now.  I have resumed some of my volunteer activities at church.  I have also started reading more.  Reading is relaxing and gives my mind something else to think about other than the losses in my life.  

I am hopeful that this next month will see even more growth and healing.

FIVE

My pretty princess is 5 years old today.

Happy Birthday Jersey #4.

I love age 5.  It is such a big milestone.  The baby, toddler, and preschool years have passed, and a new level of independence blooms.  If we have taken the time to be consistent through the previous "training" years, then discipline becomes less frequent, and obedience becomes the norm.  I usually really enjoy this kindergarten age as a reward for all the effort required up to this point.

With Jersey #4, I have been in complete denial that it is even possible for her to be turning 5.  She seems so young.  She seems so small.  It just doesn't seem that 5 years has already passed.  Developmentally, I realize that she is 5.  She is really ready to be a kindergartener this Fall.  I've decided that the years must have been more blurred, because she can be such a challenging child.  Maybe I was too wrapped up in her constantly testing my parenting consistency to actually notice the passing of time?  

I don't know if it was the truth in the calendar date, or the new, bigger clothes she received as a birthday gift, or what, but Jersey #4 certainly emerged into a five year old today.  She even seemed older to me.  Dare I say she even seemed like a more compliant child?

(No, I don't dare say such a thing.  As the parent of such a strong-willed daughter, I know better than to let my guard down.  She will catch wind that I have relaxed, and will immediately test to see if the boundaries are still the same.  I must always be prepared for her random attempts to push the boundaries, and respond with consistency that the limits are firmly in place!)    

For her birthday this year, Jersey #4 wanted to celebrate at a miniature golf place.  It wasn't the golf that drew her, but more their really large safari animal statues.  The owners even let her climb on them, which she loves.  

The party  was fun.  Jersey #4 had a wonderful birthday.  Her friends and family really spoiled her.  She received many new toys and outfits.  She is at a sweet age, where she still enjoys baby dolls and play kitchen/food sets.  

It is almost time to order homeschool curriculum for the Fall (to get the discount price).  I am still wrapping my mind around having a new kindergartener to school.  Someone told her that she would get to learn how to read in kindergarten, so Jersey #4 has been busy trying to master the sounds of the alphabet letters, and how to blend 2 letter sounds together.  It already looks like she is going to enjoy academic learning.

I suppose I cannot deny it any longer.  Jersey #4 celebrated her 5th birthday.  She is officially 5 years old.

She just insists on growing up.

Swimming

Our children LOVE swimming.

It is a requirement for every hotel.  They ask if they can swim at Granny & PawPaw's house, even if we are visiting in the winter.  They often want to put on their swimsuits and climb into the bathtub to pretend they are in a pool.

I was cleaning with bleach the other day, and the scent reminded Jersey #1 of a swimming pool.  She made a comment about it, which excited the whole team to ask me if we could go swimming.

This was Monday.  Family swim night (where admission to the public pools is cheaper) is on Fridays.

Let's just say we had a very productive week this past week, as the kids were highly motivated to get to go swimming on Friday night.  I enjoyed clean bedrooms and joyful attitudes while working on schoolwork.  They even earned the privilege of inviting a friend to join us.

The pool we went to was indoor, and is open all year.

Even so, the weather was not swim-friendly.  I was wiping away snow flurries while I drove us to the pool.

I thought out loud that I must be crazy to take the kids swimming when snow flurries were outside.

I changed my mind within 5 minutes of being in the water.

As I was helping her swim, Jersey #4 looked up at me with a huge smile on her face and told me that this was the most fun day of her life.

Visiting the Good Doctor

I took my thundering herd to see the good Doctor yesterday.  

Dr. S has been our Family Physician for the past 13 years.  He is the best.

Today's visit was scheduled to be a well-child check-up for Jersey #5.  Normally, I try to schedule the kids' well-child appointments within a month of their birthday.  It is easier for me to keep track of them that way.  Well, last Fall, life was a bit crazy, so I got behind on appointments, and now I am trying to catch up.  

I have learned my lesson!  It has been a challenge to catch up the missed well-child check-ups for my late summer babies, at the same time that my winter and spring babies are having more birthdays.  It seems like we are visiting the doctor's clinic a lot lately.

Today, I took full advantage of the scheduled appointment.

In addition to going through the well-child routine for Jersey #5, I lines up all of the kids and asked Dr. S to scan their current ailments.  He is real good about that.

We addressed Jersey #5's little, crooked toes.  Poor kid has toes that are various lengths, and overlap each other.  It doesn't appear to inhibit his motion, running and playing, so there is nothing to do but wait it out and see how his feet grow.

Jersey #1 sprained her ankle.  I dismissed her complaints at first, because she tends to be over-dramatic about every bump.  But, this time she was serious.  Her instep is showing the bruising discoloration.  The doctor examined it (or made it "really hurt" by pressing all over her foot, according to Jersey #1).  She should mend well with rest and some Ibuprofen.  She should be ready to run again for her next AWANA Games practice.

Jersey #2 has had a rough time this winter with dry skin on her hands.  We've tried all kinds of lotions and grease, and could not get it to mend.  The good Doctor gave us some hydrocortisone cream to try with the lotion.  The pharmacist also agreed that it should do the trick to help with her hands.

Jersey #3 developed a sudden cough, with no prior illness.  I suspect it is his allergies, which are really terrible right now.  But, just to be safe, I asked Dr. S to listen to his lungs.  All clear!  That is good news.  We will stick with my allergy theory.

Jersey #4 has a terrible wart problem on her hands.  Warts are caused by a virus, and will usually go away once the immune system rises to the challenge (which can take a long time, it seems).  One wart is really bothering her, because it is on her thumb and pressing into her nail.  I started a home treatment for her  thumb wart, and it made the skin all over her thumb start to peel away.  I had Dr. S take a look at it and make sure she wasn't having a bad reaction.  We are going to continue the home treatment and hope it works.  I dread her having to have them frozen off.  That is not fun.

Jersey #5 is healthy and growing great.  At his 2-year old check-up, his height and weight measurements were completely off the top of the growth chart.  Dr. S simply wrote down "greater than 100%" and laughed it off.  He said Jersey #5 was the largest 2-year old in the USA.

Now, at age 3 1/2, Jersey #5 has returned to the growth chart.  He is 3 feet, 5 inches tall (92%), and weighs 42 pounds (97%).  He is still a BIG boy!  

BMI calculations are popular now, instead of the height and weight curves.  According to his BMI, Jersey #5 is overweight.  The Doctor and I had a fun chuckle over that.  I am not sure there are any recommendations for what to do with that information for a 3-year old.  We dismiss it.  Jersey #1 and Jersey #3 were the same way at that age.  By kindergarten, they both gained more height than weight, and completely flipped their BMI status.  We will see if Jersey #5 does the same thing.

Poor Jersey #5 had to get 2 shots today.  We do not follow the full vaccine recommendations, choosing to decline the unethical vaccines that are made from cell lines of aborted babies.  But, we vaccinate with most of the ethically-manufactured vaccines.  I did not expect Jersey #5 to need any vaccines today, but I had forgotten that he was behind on 1 that was out of stock for a while when he was younger.  We caught that one up today, in addition to permitting an additional dosing of the pneumococcal vaccine.  Normally, I am not a fan of the recommendation to add a booster to the vaccine regimen just because there is an increase in disease (I would much prefer a more calculated recommendation taking into account how recent the original vaccine was given, and the reason for the increase in disease, before a booster is also given).  This time, I approved the booster because of the source (respiratory tract) of the illness that the vaccine prevents, and the child (Jersey #5) who is known to have a weaker respiratory response to illness.  I tend to have to make these choices on a case-by-case basis with my kids.

Jersey #5 was so brave for his immunizations.  He announced, "that hurts," but he did not cry.  He was pleased to pick out a sticker, and even asked the nurse for a second sticker.  He was so sweet, that the nurse gave him 3 stickers!  That made his day, and the pain of the shots was forgotten.  

At the end of the visit, Dr. S asked me how I was doing.  I shared with him my status of having better days and worse days, and that I seem to be progressing into more better days with time.  I also told him about how folks were recommending I see him for antidepressants at 2 weeks, because I admitted to being intensely sad, and I was crying a lot.  He shook his head in disbelief, and told me that there is a trend in society to try to eliminate sadness and pain.  He encouraged me by saying that since I am usually such a positive, happy person, that if I was crying in deep sadness then folks were probably nervous that the world was coming to an end!  That made me laugh.

Our Family Doctor is so sweet.

Trials. Ugh.

As I write through my grief, I have told about suffering from the depth of my pain.

I have mentioned how much I am struggling to make sense of my current circumstances.

Now, I realize I am wrestling with the lessons in my trials.

What is this?   A Christianity vocabulary lesson?

Forgive me if I sound frustrated.

I am frustrated.

This is not going to be your regular "happy-ending" testimony.

I am no where near happy or the ending.  I am definitely being tested.  

I have not learned how to express joy in the midst of my trials.  I am not mature like that.

I tend to go through trials kicking and screaming instead.

When I started out the trials in my marriage, I was strong in my faith.  I had confidence in God.

When I was told that my son, Titus, had died in the womb, I started to falter.

As the numbness wore off and the sadness intensified, I started to lose sight of God.

My children slept in Tuesday morning, but I was wide awake early.  The house was quiet.  I stayed in bed and thought and pondered and prayed.

It was not a prayer of thanksgiving.  It was a prayer of questioning and complaining.

My faith was shattered.  Could it ever be strengthened again?

Did I even matter to God anymore?

I thought about The Referee's answer when I posed that question a week ago.  He told me to remember what happened at the end of the book of Job....the part where God asks Job where was he when the world was created?  The Referee suggested that God's answer to Job was to trust Him.

So, I opened my Bible and turned to the book of Job.  I read the beginning, skimmed over the chapters about his long-winded friends, and focused on the end of the book.  I have studied Job a few times already.  I have heard it taught real well.  It appears I still have much to learn just from this one book.

I was drawn to the way that Job was humbled in God's presence.  This man who was considered righteous was saying he abhorred himself.  His view of himself changed dramatically when the standard became higher than himself.  His priorities changed real fast in the presence of God.  He was no longer feeling sorry for himself.  He had come to realize that what was most important was his existence and relationship with God.  Nothing else mattered.  

This struck me to the core.  I have been feeling sorry for myself.  I have been thinking about what I want.  I have been losing confidence in God.  My faith was faltering because I was only viewing my own standards. 

So I told God that I could see where I was, compared to the point Job obtained, but I could not see the path to get there.

I'm not sure it was such a good idea to mention that to God.

My entire day was consumed in Bible study of the areas where I am falling short.

Ouch!

Idolatry.  Yes, I was putting my desire for another baby above God.

Self-righteousness:  Yes, I believed I deserved to be blessed.  I have had enough trials already.

Disrespecting my husband:  Yes, I blame him!

I tried to get away from these revelations.  I set my Bible aside and picked up my phone instead.

Facebook:  When did all of my friends start posting so much scripture on Facebook?  Why did it all seem to apply to me?

Shut down Facebook, and started up Email:  Sure enough, there was an  email with a Bible quote at the end.  It applied to me.  Ugh.

Seriously?  Haven't I learned enough?  

I was starting to feel humble.  I was feeling it, I was feeling empty, and I was exhausted.  

I had skeletons in my closet, and my closet needed a good cleaning.  I had sins in my heart and my heart needed a good cleaning.  That was a lot of Spring Cleaning for one morning!

I was completely weary by the time I asked God what I was suppose to do now?  How do I cleanse these sins from my life?  Where do I start?  How do I let go of my desires and embrace that higher standard?

It appears I have a lot of work ahead of me.

As I was pondering what was I suppose to do now, I took a break and clicked on Facebook again.  Sure enough, a friend had posted a sermon video that caught my eye.

Pastor Mark Driscoll, of Mars Hill Church, wrote a marriage book with his wife.  He is now giving a sermon series about Real Marriage.  His sermons are available on the church website.  

Wow.  This is not your usual discussion about marriage.  It is a straight-forward presentation about what the Bible says about marriage, with real-world, practical applications that cut right into common problems.

I was stunned in a matter of minutes.  What a difference this knowledge might have made in my marriage had we heard this sermon series years ago.

Right now, The Referee has moved out.  We are not working on our marriage.  He says he no longer wants to put anymore thought or effort into our marriage.

So, why in the world would a sermon series on marriage affect me right now?

I don't know.  I'm still wrestling with the things I am learning.  I don't have answers.  I have a lot of room to grow.

Strangely, this sermon series on marriage is helping me grow as an individual.  It is odd.  I can't make sense of it.  But, each and every topic has multiple lessons for my life, for my mind, and for my heart.  

One thing I noticed is that Pastor Mark Driscoll is very direct about idolatry.  He is quick to point out things we may be placing before God.  That strikes close to my heart.  

I can see that my faith is being tried.

I don't like it.

But, I do realize that even though my faith has been faltering, it will never die.  As a Christian, I will never lose my relationship with God.  

Even though I am not feeling the joy in this trial, I am able to see that there is a purpose.

James 1:2 reminds me  

²My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations;

 ³Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. 

I wasn't really wanting to grow in patience.  But, apparently it is important.  James 5:11 also mentions it...

¹¹Behold, we count them happy which endure. 

Ye have heard of the patience of Job, 

and have seen the end of the Lord; 

that the Lord is very pitiful, and of tender mercy.

I certainly do not want to have to face trials.

I do not want to endure this painful situation I am in.

My Faith is certainly being challenged.

But, I can also see how trials grow us and sanctify us.

I see I have lessons to learn.

I see I have plenty of room for growth.

I know that my Faith will endure.....and will probably even grow.

I am not sure I will be fully cooperative.

I am guessing that I have much more wrestling ahead of me.

It is Just Grief, People!

It has been 12 years since I first grieved the death of a baby.

My, how times have changed!

When I was researching information about the grieving process, 12 years go, I came across many articles, books, and websites that talked about how death was previously considered a taboo subject, and not easily talked about in public.  Those resources were encouraging bereaved parents to open up and talk about their pain, as it would help with the healing.  That advice seemed logical to me at the time.  An additional point I noticed as I shared my grief story was that other folks who had also dealt with the death of a child started talking about their stories and experiences.  Times had changed, and it seemed it was a change for the better, because folks were talking and sharing, and facing their pain to bring about healing.

Today, I am noticing a completely different change in attitude about grieving.  I believe it is a change for the worse.  It appears to me that our society is trying to render mourning as inefficient, and grieving as unnecessary.  

Mourning:  the act of sorrowing or lamentation.  

Culturally, this is expressed when folks wear black, or hang a flag at half-mast.

Grieving:  to feel great sorrow.

Just under two weeks had passed since my son Titus arrived stillborn, when folks were already suggesting that I may need antidepressants for depression.

Really?

Depression in less than 2 weeks since the baby died?  

The shock of the tragedy had barely worn off.  It seemed perfectly logical to me that I would be in a state of intense emotional pain.

But, folks were quick to point out that I could get a quick fix to end the sadness with an antidepressant pill.  Apparently, antidepressants are not just to restore brain chemistry anymore.  They are presumed to remove sorrow now too?

I thought back to the time I was treated for postpartum depression.  It was about 6 weeks after my first daughter had arrived stillborn.  I was crying uncontrollably, at work, even though I was not thinking about the baby or the loss of my hopes and dreams.  Folks assured me that I was just grieving, and eventually the crying would end.  I was not so convinced, so I made an appointment.  My doctor diagnosed me with a classic case of postpartum depression.  He said it would be easy to miss, since I was grieving, and crying was expected with grief.  The good doctor assured me that my hormones were out of whack and things would improve with treatment to get those hormones to behave.  He was right.

So, the first thing I thought when the subject of antidepressants was brought up this time around, was that my doctor would tell me that it had only been 2 weeks and I was grieving.  He would chuckle at the advice and remind me that crying was expected with grief.  Grieving is a process, and it takes time to work through that process.  I know this.

It is true that people can get stuck in the grieving process, and become unable to function in their life.  This would warrant an evaluation for depression.  It wasn't that long ago when people gave themselves a full year to grieve.  If they were unable to cope after a year's time, treatment was considered.  

I am not saying anything against antidepressant medications, depression treatments, or mental illness.  I have seen the effects first-hand, and I fully support such treatments as soon as they are needed.....and before it is too late.

I do not agree that grieving is depression, or that antidepressants can remove the need to grieve.  It seems to me that the medications would only mask the pain while under treatment.  The pain will eventually have to be dealt with.  Just ask anyone who has tried to suppress their pain and refused to work through their grief.  That approach is not real effective, and leads to all kinds of other problems, behavioral and physical.

I started to challenge the argument for antidepressants so soon.  Usually there are symptoms of depression to consider before making such a diagnosis.  I was not withdrawn.  I was functioning in my life.  So, why think I was depressed?

Because I was just SO sad.  That was the answer I was given.  Plus, I was willing to admit it, instead of brushing off inquiries about my well-being, with an "I'm fine."  

I just shake my head in dismay.  

I am SO sad.  That is true.  I am extremely sad.  I have had a tragedy occur in my life.  I am certain that justifies the sadness.  

My sadness is intense.  But, it is not debilitating.

I know that it will ease in time.

Thankfully, I have friends and family who know these things.  They encourage me to take my time and grieve.  Take it easy and heal.  Cry.  Rest.  Cry some more.  Feel.  Heal.  Take the time now, or else the emotions will chase you down later.

It is working.  3 weeks haven now passed, and I am seeing better days again.  I am having a couple better days, followed by one tough day.  That is manageable.  I expect that pattern to continue to improve, as I heal physically, and deal with the pain emotionally.  My previous experience with grieving has armed me with the knowledge of how to treat myself now.

It is a good thing that I do not have to rely on some of these current trends.  I can't even imagine the ramifications of trying to ignore the grieving process.  I doubt coping is going to be achieved by prematurely taking antidepressant medication.    

At first, I thought this was a changing attitude in people who have been previously treated for depression.  Then, I came across a blog article, from Dr. Joanne Cacciatore, founder of the M.I.S.S Foundation, that opened my eyes that change is coming through the medical community as well:  

 http://drjoanne.blogspot.com/2012/03/relativity-applies-to-physics-not.html

It appears the new DSM V, that is set to come out next year, is changing its recommendations to suggest that folks can be treated for depression after just two weeks of facing the death of a loved one.  

Yikes!

The shock barely wears off in 2 weeks.  Usually the intense emotional pain is felt as the shock starts to wear off.  

In my opinion, that phase is better described as sorrow, not depression.  

It is just grief, people!

Grieving is a normal human response to the death of a loved one.