Struggling to Make Sense

I believe that the most difficult part of grieving is the loss of the hopes, dreams, and plans.  Those ideas for the future are abruptly halted, and a deep void remains instead.

Feeling that void seems to be the catalyst for the spiritual struggle.

The most popular question is Why?  Why did this happen?  Why me?

I've been there before, and it is a difficult, painful road.

Comfort and understanding can be found in the Bible.  The study of Job, in particular, is a common reference point for the question Why?  The simplistic conclusions that I have drawn from such study is:

1)  God is in control, and I won't always understand why things are happening the way they are.

Isaiah 55:8-9

King James Version (KJV)

 ⁸For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD.

 ⁹For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.

2)  Bad things happen.  It doesn't mean that a person is good or bad, deserving or undeserving.  The depth of the tragedy is not a reflection on the character or choices of the person who is suffering.  Innocent victims die, when the drunk driver who rams their vehicle lives.  As we learn in the book of Job, the righteous suffer too.  Bad things happen.  Period.  Earth is a sinful world.  Earth is not Heaven.  Death is rampant here on Earth.  The biblical promises of hope and life everlasting are about Heaven.      

I certainly don't like the ways that I am suffering, but I am at peace with the knowledge that God is in control, this time on Earth is temporary (so my suffering won't last forever), Titus is happy in heaven, and one day I will see him again there.  

Even with that knowledge and peace, I am in the midst of a gut-wrenching spiritual struggle.  

I just cannot make sense of this situation.  

Something must be missing in my faith.

I am well aware that The Referee has struggled with the size of our family.  He did not want a large family, especially after the death of Mackenzie, because he did not want to be vulnerable to the pain of losing another child.  If the choice were entirely up to him, he says he would not have attempted to have any other children after Mackenzie's death.  He has more children.  He clearly loves them.  He is a good father.  But, he always explains that the reason he has this large family is because I wanted a houseful of children.

It is no secret that I enjoy children, and want a houseful.  I think I could easily be part of the quiverfull movement, and happily accept as many children as God chose to bless me with.  I was not always of that mindset, as I started out adulthood with plans for a very big career in medicine.  My heart was changed dramatically, with Jersey #2's health issues, so I put the big career on hold and embraced Motherhood as a profession.  Motherhood is a calling....giving up your selfishness for the sake of another person.  At first, that profession was only going to consume my days until the children were old enough to attend private school, then I would be back on track for my career.  When we made the decision to homeschool, the big career faded even further, knowing decades would pass before my responsibilities at home would lessen.  I have been at peace with these choices and changes, because I could always see the beauty in the traditional family dynamic.  I respected The Referee's desire and ability to provide for his family.  He praised my efforts and the effect they brought out in the children.  That level of teamwork produces great outcomes.

In an instant, the beauty of our traditional family teamwork crashed, leaving me questioning if I had made a grave mistake.  When The Referee actually left our home, he made some very serious threats about how he was going to remove my medical coverage and refuse to pay any support until a judge made him.  It was later revealed that he was lashing out in anger, and had no real intention of following through on those threats.  Unfortunately, he did not let me know this, did not apologize, nor make things better with me.  So, I spent a week stressed out of my mind, pregnant with the fear of having no medical coverage, with 5 kids to feed and $150 to my name.  Fear of the unknown shook me to the core.  I did not have a plan in place for such a situation.  Would I have to move in with my parents and have them support me and the kids until the baby was born and I could get back on my feet?  Would anyone hire me now, while I was already showing the pregnancy?  

I was stuck in bed the first few days, due to a bleeding scare in the pregnancy.  That gave my friends plenty of time to get my attention and advise me about the ways I could seek help from the court system and/or government programs.  There went my pride.  I have always worked hard to be independent, and I thought that was a value The Referee shared as well.  We had always tried to manage our life circumstances ourselves, and not depend on others to help us make it.  So much for that shared value, as I found myself asking my parents if I could borrow money to retain a lawyer, in order to ask the legal system to help me get child support from my husband.  Another option presented by my friends was to seek state support for food and utilities.  

I was empowered as I learned about my rights and options in this situation.  I was also humbled as I listened to the lawyer....a career woman herself....ask me how in the world a woman of my education and career background could find myself so dependent on a man.  Ouch!  

Spiritual doubt #1:  Did I miss something in the Bible when I thought the traditional family of Husband providing and Wife tending was so beautiful, so perfect, and so effective? Was I wrong to give up my career in order to fully care for my kids?  Should I have always kept a job, so that I did not have to depend on my husband for financial support?  Was I wrong to trust that he would provide?  

Things have worked out well enough.  I learned enough about my rights and legal protection from the government to know where to turn if I became desperate for help.  I was able to wait out the time until the following payday to see if The Referee was serious about his threats or not.  Thankfully, he decided to continue to provide.

Through this whole marital trial, I have held to my values, believing that the outcome is bound to be best if I stay true to the truth.  Regardless of the threats that were made, I decided to not pursue legal action myself.  It is wrong to divorce my husband.  I decided it had to be best to live within the context of the marriage, even if the road was difficult, than to blatantly disobey God.  I did not even pursue Legal Separation.  I did not pursue legal help with child support.  How can I justify taking another Christian to court, when the Bible says that is not the way to handle conflict?  Of course, the well-meaning folks who were advising legal action were tugging at my heartstrings by reminding me that I have an obligation to take care of my children. 

Spiritual doubt #2:  How do I justify what the Bible teaches about legal action against my husband versus what the Bible teaches about the responsibility to care for my children, and vice versa???

I sought counsel from my Pastor about this conflict of interest.  In the midst of his advice, he said something that I wrestled with a while, which ultimately framed my decision.  He mentioned options.  Has The Referee left me with no other option but to seek help from my government?  Legal protection is there for a reason.  Many folks would support me using it at this time.  I decided to hold off as long as there were still options for me to care for my children.  I was not out of options, entirely, yet.

Right now, it would seem that sticking to my value to care for my children over any other conflict is the best way to approach things.  The Referee has been visiting the kids regularly, which thrills them.  He continues to provide financial support.  Our basic needs...food, shelter, clothing...are covered.  We even have a vehicle and gasoline!  My hopes and dreams for our life together are gone, along with companionship.  But, at least I can still do what I am suppose to do to raise the kids.

Staying strong to my value of LIFE proved to be the best way to manage the death and delivery of Titus.  I refused to allow the abortion-minded doctors to pressure me into the surgical procedure that would dismantle my baby.  I fought hard for the opportunity to hold him instead.  In the end, not only did I get to hold him....but I got to catch him myself!

As I sit and deal with the emotional pain of his death, the biggest spiritual doubt overcomes me...

Spiritual doubt#3:  Was it wrong to believe that I was being blessed with Titus as a result of my faithfulness to my husband and my family?  I thought I was counting my blessings, seeing the way that God was working in my life.  

It is not that I thought that I had somehow earned him or deserved him.  It is that I thought God was giving me the desire of my heart.....to have another baby.

When my husband insisted that Jersey #5 be the last baby, I submitted.  I gave away the baby items.  I even scheduled his appointment for the vasectomy he desired.  I tried to focus on the blessings of our family moving into the stage of older children.  In my heart, I desired another baby.  I prayed for The Referee to have a change of heart.  I waited.  I prayed.  As the years passed, I saw glimpses that his heart was changing.  I still had to remain patient and wait.  I endured the turbulent cycles of being married to a depressed spouse, while treatment options were explored.  I just knew that the eventual outcome would be the strong marriage and family I desired.

Titus was conceived at a point of the healthiest, and most stable time our family has experienced in years.  I was confident that the valleys were behind us and we are going toward mountain top moments for a change.

Even when The Referee decided to move out a few months later, I knew that God was in control.  Clearly, the trials were not over.  But, it seemed that Titus' due date was divine timing.  He was due the week of our wedding anniversary.  I saw the blessing there.  Instead of focusing on the grief of my broken marriage, at our next anniversary, I would get to celebrate the gift of new life.  I thought that this child....the desire of my heart....would help me endure the time I had to wait until God restored our marriage and our family.

Spiritual doubt #4:  If the desire of my heart is a strong family and a new baby....AND marriage, and children seem to be extremely important to God as well....then why must I lose both and face double-grieving anniversaries this July?  Am I missing something about God's will for my life?  Are my values not biblically accurate?  How did I end up so wrong, when I thought I was focusing on what was right?

I am so confused.

Heartbroken and confused.

I feel like the biggest failure of a Christian of all time.