Even If The Healing Doesn't Come

I heard a song on the radio recently that rocked my world.

The group is Kutless.

The song is "Even If The Healing Doesn't Come"

Now, I will admit that I am not musically talented.  I don't have rhythm.  I can't hear/carry a tune.  I can't sing.  I do not play a musical instrument.  I can't even clap on beat.  So, I am unqualified to evaluate the music itself.

It was the words that gripped me.

I usually like a song, based on its lyrics.  My favorite songs are the ones that tell a story or have a great point.

I tuned in to this song when I heard the first few lines to the chorus:

Even if the healing doesn't come 

And life falls apart 

And dreams are still undone 

I was immediately convicted.

My family is not healed.  My marriage relationship is not healed.  My life is a mess right now.  My dreams are not accomplished.  It is as if the chorus of that song was written from my own thoughts and insecurities.

But, the next few lines put it all into perspective:

You are God You are good 

Forever faithful One 

Even if the healing 

Even if the healing doesn't come

The lessons from church camp rang through my head.  I remember the evangelist saying, "It may not all work out for your personal benefit."  He was explaining how God's ways are higher than our ways.  God has a plan, for sure, but it does not mean that the lives of Christians are going to be great (while here on Earth).  

I admit that I have been struggling.  I have not written a blog post in a while.  I could easily blame it on being too busy.  I can also blame it on being too overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions that I could not write clearly.  

It has taken me this long to accept that my marriage is over.

Technically, we have been living as if we are divorced all year, without actually making the divorce legal.  My husband has moved out.  He has visitation with the children.  All interaction is business-like, to discuss the children and the finances.  He has no intention of returning home, or restoring our marriage or our family.  He does not wear his wedding ring.  He does not consider us a couple.  He has full support of his mother and brothers, who encourage him to divorce me.  They do not value marriage.

I do value marriage.

Marriage is one of my core values.

I made a point to prepare myself that marriage is forever.  Through thick and thin, failure was not an option.  I insisted that my soon-to-be-husband heard me clearly that if he was going to commit to marrying me, that I was serious that it had to be forever.

Unfortunately, his commitment was not genuine.  He does not value marriage.  He is choosing to continue the legacy of divorce and broken family that his parents established.  

The first time he had a mental breakdown and walked out on his life, I was shattered.  I could not believe that my entire life could be altered by someone else, and I did not even get a vote.  It took me a while to accept that reality.

This time around, I am not shocked that it can happen.  I have been having such a hard time accepting it though.

Months ago, a friend suggested I was having a hard time because marriage was one of my core values.  I did not process her wise words well enough at that time.

Lately, I have been process the details of my life, but I am still struggling.

I sought counsel with my Pastor who put it bluntly when he told me I was feeling shattered to the core.  My marriage has completely failed, regardless of the preparation I did to prevent it, and regardless of my wishes.  I do not get a say here.  It doesn't matter how much I value marriage, my husband is ripping that core right out of my being.  

(It reminds me of the video game Mortal Kombat, where the winning character reaches into the losing opponent and rips their beating heart right out of their chest, and holds it up overhead.  I always thought that graphic was disgusting.  Oh how many times did I watch my husband play that video game, while we were dating, and had no clue it was a picture of what he would later do to our marriage.) 

The confession that came out as I was speaking with my Pastor is that my Faith is shaken right now.  That scares me.

I have been through numerous levels of crisis in my life (and I honestly think losing a child is the worst one possible), and yet my Faith has been intact, and actually able to grow.  But, this divorce crisis has really done a number on me.  I have been questioning everything I believe, everything that I think, and everything that I am.  It has been really hard to go to church.  I have been thinking that if I am such a failure as a Christian...because I have been completely rejected as a wife, even though I valued marriage so much...then maybe I don't belong in church.  Maybe God doesn't like me either.     

Pastor encouraged me that my Faith is shaken right now, but it is not shattered.

Just like the song says, I have to set my faith in the knowledge of who God is.  

So we set our faith in who You are

Even though You reign high above us

You tenderly love us

We know Your heart

And we rest in who You are

As the fog of doubts starts to clear, I see that I have been making marriage an idol.  Marriage is referenced so often in Christian teaching, and is very important.  But, I had made it too important.  Just like every other thing in my life that I valued too much....medical school, babies, finances, a big house...this idol is being ripped away from me.  I am being forced to pick myself up and move forward without it.

I am being forced to decide if I will trust God, even if I lose this desire of my heart.

Once again, I am answering YES.

My Pastor was correct.  My Faith is not broken by a failed marriage.  My husband rejects me, but God still loves me.

I continue to pray for a miracle.

But I know God is Good...

Even if the healing doesn't come.

Even If--Kutless

Songwriters: WOOD, TONY / KRIPPAYNE, SCOTT

Sometimes all we have to hold on to 

Is what we know is true of who You are 

So when the heartache hits like a hurricane 

That could never change who You are 

And we trust in who You are 

Even if the healing doesn't come 

And life falls apart 

And dreams are still undone 

You are God You are good 

Forever faithful One 

Even if the healing 

Even if the healing doesn't come 

Lord we know your ways are not our ways 

So we set our faith in who You are 

Even though You reign high above us 

You tenderly love us 

We know Your heart 

And we rest in who You are 

You're still the Great and Mighty One 

We trust You always 

You're working all things for our good 

We'll sing your praise 

You are God and we will bless You 

As the Good and Faithful One 

You are God and we will bless You 

Even if the healing doesn't come 

Prison Lessons and FUN

We put on our orange, prison attire, and studied stories about Paul, in Ephesians chapter 3, while we were at church camp.  The theme was "I'm a Lifer."  A prisoner of Christ.  This theme came from Youth Frameworks, which seems to have special gift for reaching youth.

I learned so much during the adult lesson time.  The kids were in their own classes, so I was not having to keep track of them.  I could really listen and absorb the teaching that way.  It seemed so personal, of course.  (Most of the sermons and church lessons seem so personal to me these days.)  

Usually, when a person is struggling with why do bad things happen to good people, they are encouraged to look at Job, who was a righteous man who suffered horrible things at no fault of his own. But, that very question came up during our lessons at church camp, and we were studying Acts.  Chapter 16 of Acts, tells the story of Paul and Silas, and their experience of being wrongfully thrown in jail.  The teacher of our class, pointed out that Paul and Silas were doing what they were suppose to be doing.  They were not in the wrong place at the wrong time.  They were exactly where God told them to be, doing exactly what God told them to do.  Yet, they were wrongfully accused, wrongfully beaten, and wrongfully thrown into jail.  

In the end of the story, the jailer...and his household....came to know Jesus as Savior, because Paul of Silas were faithful and obedient to God.  It is a beautiful story.  The camp teacher explained that sometimes things have to happen to get us where we need to be, to do what God wants us to do.  He went on to say,

"It is not about you!"

Considering the circumstances of my life right now, it was shocking to hear those words.

I am so sick of hearing "it takes two to tango" or "there are two sides to every story" or "I will pray that you both have a change of heart."  There is usually this assumption that I have had a role that helped cause our broken family circumstances.  I have searched my life over, and I just cannot see a way that I could have done anything to change this outcome.  I am not suggesting I am perfect.  I just did not provoke the circumstance.  It is frustrating to be blamed for something that I cannot control.  I was really becoming discouraged...

Until that lesson at church camp.  Paul and Silas were joyful in their suffering, and continued to praise God.  They were not wallowing in self pity, or questioning where did they go wrong.  They were not questioning their faith because so many horrible things were wrongly happening to them.  They were praying and singing praises to God, to the extent that the other prisoners heard them. 

I know exactly what I do when bad things wrongfully happen to me.  I complain.  I feel woe.  I breakdown and cry about the unfairness of it all.  I question my worth.  I question my faith.  I question myself about what do I keep doing wrong to deserve this?  

I would do well to remember:  "It's not about you!"

It is not about me.

The teacher went on to explain, "It is not all going to work out for your personal benefit."

Whoah!  That hit me like a ton of bricks.

I do not know when or where I started to believe that if I was a faithful Christian, that God would bless me on my terms.  Life would work out well.  I would be healthy, wealthy, and have good things come my way.  That has not been my experience at all.  Quite the opposite.  It seems the more I grow in my faith, the more I face trials and crisis.  Looking at it from my own benefit, it is not fair!  But, looking at my experiences with eternity in mind, I am able to see that it is not about me.  It is not personal.

Ironically, those are the exact words my husband told me, repeatedly, when he moved out.

"It is not personal."

It took me 7 months to accept that the current circumstances of my life are not personal.  And, no matter how faithful I am.  No matter how much I pray.  No matter how much I try.  There is no guarantee that things are going to work out for my personal benefit.    

After I absorbed that lesson for a while, I started to question, "What now?"  What does God want from me then?  Where do I go from here?

Of course, the teacher made another comment that resonated with me.  He advised to start with what we know, and let God lead to the next thing.  Start with what I know.  Well, that takes the pressure off...  

That has really helped me get a better perspective in the weeks since church camp.  Of course, our Pastor decided to start a sermon series about growing spiritually.  My how convenient!  (But, that is another post for another day).  

  

There are not too many people who can wear bright orange and look good in it.  But, it sure made it easier to keep track of the kids.

I spent a lot of time keeping track of the kids.  They had a blast going and doing all of the fun activities at church camp.  Jersey #1 and Jersey #3 surprised me by going off the zip line.  That thing is 75 feet in the air!  Yikes!  There is so much fun to be had at church camp:

Jesus Loves the Little Children

Sweet memories are made when we go on our church's mission trip to the Navajo Nation.  The Navajo children really enjoy the love and attention.  The smiles in their eyes just light up the room.  

It is humbling to see the conditions where they live, and the distance from our way of life even though we are in the same country.  I learn more history from the missionaries in that area, than I think I have ever learned in school.  

No matter what the situation, everyone should be aware of God's love, and the free gift of salvation.  That is the most important thing. I try to instill that understanding in my own children.  Before dinner the first evening we were there, I was giving the kids a big lecture about the importance of mission work.  I must have gotten a little too serious at some point.  At the end, I went to ask the children some questions to see if they understood what I had been saying. 

I asked, "So, what is the most important thing?"

Jersey #2 and Jersey #3 answered in unison, "Never trust a plastic hippo!"

Then, they busted out laughing at the fact that they both had the same thought.  I was completely floored.  They were quoting a recent Veggie Tales movie.  They thought they were hilarious.  I was immediately reminded that 1) I had gotten too serious for their level of understanding, 2) these children clearly belong to The Referee (who also quotes movies in humorous ways), and 3) that response was quite funny!

That became the running joke with the kids for the rest of the week.  We had a good time, and they learned a lot about serving others and sharing the Good News about God's Love.

I learned a lot that week too.  Most of the time, my lessons are about patience and control.

I like control.  I do not like to be patient.

Unfortunately, the series of crisis and tragedies and such in my life through the years has left me with a lack of desire for control, and a lack of luster for trying to get my way, which I liken to patience.  

With the current state of my life this year, I am pretty much resolved that I am not in control.  Since I can't plan a moment of my life right now, I am completely patient and waiting for God's next move.  I don't necessarily like it this way, but I accept it for what it is.

While we were on this mission trip, I tried to be mindful of patience and control.  I was working with other adults, some I had just met, and most of us were new to each other and each other's styles.  This mission trip itself is usually full of adventure, so going with the flow is a helpful way to be.

I was trying so hard to not try to control things, that I almost missed a time when I needed to take control.  I had a doubt about one of the crafts that was planned for the week.  Initially I tried to tell myself that I should not say anything, so that I did not come across as trying to be in charge of the crafts, and did not hurt anyone's feelings.  I was so unsettled about it, that I finally just took the example to the group and asked their opinion about my concerns.  The other adults immediately set me straight about why my concerns were valid.  They also offered up a list of relevant craft ideas that would better replace it.  The mission director went so far as to tell me that he would not want that craft on the van with him when he was driving the kids home, because it would be unsafe.  It was eye-opening to me to realize that I was spending so much time trying to show that I was not trying to control the situation, that I almost failed to advocate for safety.  

I took a step back, and let my mission teammate put her craft ideas into place and lead the kids during craft time.  The day she had to handle everything solo (because I had to take care of my ill Jersey #4), my friend clued in on some other areas of weakness in our mission program.  Some of the folks had different expectations.  Others were fatigued.  Others needed some direction.  She and I chatted about these things, I explained how such situations were handled on past trips, and we brainstormed some solutions for this trip.  Still, I let her take the lead in bringing up suggestions or making changes.  I was being extremely careful to not be controlling whatsoever.   

In my past, I have been so controlling in my take-charge approach to things, that I just bowled through folks, knocking them out of my way along the way.  I have enough experience now to know that is not a good way to work with others.  But, apparently, I have been taking things to the opposite extreme, and failing to lead for fear of being too controlling.  I had no idea I had gone so far.  I thought I was being a good team player, and not making waves.

On the last day of our trip, I made waves.

When push came to shove, I had to stand up for what was right.  

One of the teen girls brought her 1-year old nephew with her to class.  She was given instructions to leave her own class and help him participate with the youngest class group.  She was willing to follow these instructions.

I overheard her being told that the baby could not stay.  I moved closer to learn more about what was going on.  Her teacher approached me and asked me what I would do in that situation.  At first, I tried to gently explain that the little boy could either go to the younger class, and the teen girl could join him, or vice versa, and he could attend her class with her.  This is how we handled such things in the past.  When I was told what the teacher of the younger class had already stated that he was too young for her class, I no longer held my tongue.  I remarked that it was an unfortunate response, and that we never turn children away.  When I saw teen teacher's eyes go wide, I knew I was being too forceful, so I tried to ease up.  I offered the solution that I would keep the baby with me, so that the teen girl could go to her class.  I would let him work on crafts, and see what other activities he was interested in.  If the baby had any trouble, I would bring him to her.  The teen and her teacher were very pleased with that solution.  I scooped that little guy in my arms, and braced myself for any confrontation about him being too young for the program.  No one dared to challenge me.  I made it quite clear to anyone who would listen, that we do not turn away children! 

And, then I enjoyed some time with this little cutie who could not yet talk, but who could point and squeal with delight over everything.  He loved stickers, applesauce, and the balls that dipped into the water for game time.  He had a blast during his very first day of Vacation Bible School.

        

My Pastor made a point to share with me that the baby's father thanked him for us allowing the child to be part of our program that day.  I felt validated that I had taken a stand, and it ended well.

But, I still carried guilt about the 'conflict' I perceived with the mission team member who initially wanted to turn him away.  I was trying so hard to get along with everyone and not cause drama.  It did not take me long to revert to my bossy ways, like in my past.  Granted, there was no argument or anything like that.  We did not even discuss the matter with each other at all, but I was poised for an argument, if one came up.  I did not insist the child be in her class if she was uncomfortable with it, but I totally took control and made sure he was not turned away....and made sure that his teen Aunt could continue in her class that was making such an impact on her life this summer.  I was really unsettled with myself in how I handled the situation, because I am trying so hard to love others with the love of Christ, and I felt I had failed in this area when I became bossy and dominate in my solution. 

In church that following Sunday, my Pastor preached a sermon about the importance of children's ministries.  He made an example out of me.  He shared the Bible stories about how Jesus encouraged the children to be brought to Him, when the disciples wanted to turn them away.  Then, Pastor shared the story about how I refused to let this toddler boy be turned away from our Vacation Bible School program in the Navajo Nation.

I was so preoccupied with whether or not my response was disagreeable and causing drama with other members of our mission team, that I completely missed the fact that my stance that no child should be turned away from our program, followed biblical teaching, and was honoring to God.  Here I thought I was burdening my Pastor with conflict on a mission trip, and it turned out he supported me.   

New lesson learned.  But, I am still wrapping my mind around it.  The take-charge-with-a-passion personality trait I possess can be a good thing.  It should not be used to make everyone do what I think is best.  But, it is not the shameful burden that I have come to view it.  

There are times and places where I am going to be called to take a stand and advocate for another, un-apologetically, for God's purpose.  I was given this trait for a reason, and God doesn't make mistakes. 

Whoa!  I did not see that one coming.

I was spending so much time, giving all of my effort, trying to make sure that I was not showing any level of controlling behavior, yet I was falling short.  I had my eyes on myself, and not on God.  

I've got a lot to learn.        

Growing

I do not know what happened to my sense of time.

I have 3 weeks of wonderful pictures and stories to share.

But, I just could not find a minute to stop and put them into a blog post.

Life has been a whirlwind lately.

At one point, I was walking across a yard and I looked up at the sky, and specifically spoke to God to make sure he understood that I did not think I was equipped to handle all that was on my plate right now.  I suggested a more relaxing time instead.  I was pretty sure I had nothing left to give.  

And that was when the growing started.

Growing closer to God.

Growing stronger in my Faith.

Growing more confident in myself.

Growing more patient in my purpose.

The outcome of growth is so wonderful, but the process is so challenging.

In the past 3 weeks, I took the kids on a mission trip to the Navajo Nation.  We spent the following week at church camp.  We made a visit to Granny & PawPaw's house over the weekend, and also visited my sister's house to attend a swim party to celebrate my nephew's birthdays.  The 3rd week was spent in various acts of service to others, a little fun for ourselves, and a giant leap into a new career for me.  We made one final summer visit to Granny & PawPaw's house for the weekend.  Now, we are safely home again.

Yes, I am tired.  Fatigued is a good word for it.  But, the good news is that I am not drained.  I am physically tired from all that travel and service.  But, I am also rejuvenated deep within.  It is an odd response for such a busy time.

I have a houseful of clutter....laundry, dishes, suitcases, oh my! Spoiled-tired kids, and we are completely off our routine.  

But, for the first time in years, I have a strong sense of priority in life, WITHOUT being in the midst of a crisis, allowing me to see with such clarity.  

   

This is NOT a vacation!

The kids and I are on a mission trip.

The running joke on this trip is for the adults to remind each other that This is NOT a Vacation!  It comes from a line in the mission handbook that explains that we are here to work and to serve, and should conduct ourselves accordingly.  We are not on vacation.

So many things go wrong.  Yet so many other things go right.  So, it becomes this huge character building experience.  Patience.  Grace.  Self control.  Kindness.  Love.  All are needed at a time like this.

The goal of a mission trip is to spread the love of Christ to folks who may not have the opportunity to experience it often, if at all.  But, other wonderful things happen in addition to that main goal.  I find that I am affected greatly as well.  

Six years ago, when Jersey #3 was just a baby, The Referee and I took our family on this same mission trip.  It is neat to have the ability to do this with a young family.  So many things went outside of the plan.  One of the vehicles in our caravan broke down part way there, throwing our schedule completely off for the day.  The 2nd day, elections removed our ability to use the building we were scheduled to use.  Then, a truck got stuck in the mud and had to be pulled out.  It was a wild, adventurous time.  

I learned a very valuable lesson, during that trip, about how Christians handle adversity.  Regardless of the level of stress and mess that occurred during that trip, the folks we were with had the most amazing attitudes.  They were not angry, or cussing, or complaining about the circumstances.  They were joking, and brainstorming ways to get through it and keep moving forward.  

So, when things started to go awry during this mission trip, I was reminded to keep a good humor about things, brainstorm new solutions, and to keep moving forward, with the top priority in mind.

15 miles outside our destination, the interstate traffic came to a dead halt.  While we sat around, Jersey #5 needed to use the restroom.  He exited the van with determination, dropped his shorts to his ankles, mooned an entire fleet of semi trucks, and watered the asphalt.  According to my friend in the vehicle behind me, the semi truck driver in the lane beside her, started laughing so hard she thought he would have a heart attack.  Jersey #5 was a sight to see, and he entertained a crowd of stalled travelers.  

  I had assumed that the traffic halt was caused by a terrible accident.  When traffic finally moved forward, we discovered that the road was actually blocked due to a flash flood that caused a mud slide across the interstate.  The area was still pretty muddy and wet as we drove through it, even though the rain had passed.  

We made it to our destination.  The kids were pretty excited because we were staying at a hotel with a swimming pool.

Then, we learned that the hotel was doing some remodeling.  The pool was broken.  The lobby restrooms were out of order.  The washing machine was out of order.  Most of the vending machines were unplugged.  Plus, our mission team was spread out in hotel rooms at all sides and levels of the hotel.

Clearly, this was NOT a vacation.

The mission work itself has been a wonderful experience.  We are enjoying meeting and reaching many, many folks every day.  I have been looking forward to what each day will bring when we arrive at the mission field.

I was not prepared for what came my way today.

We were driving toward our mission destination, when Jersey #4 announced she had to throw up, followed by two seconds, and then a huge puking episode.

She is not one to complain about feeling sick, so I had no clue that she was ill.  I was caught completely off guard.

As my mind raced to figure out what to do next, I realized that God had it all under control already.  My mission trip teammate had decided to drive her vehicle today, just in case she needed to return to town before the group.  I was able to contact her to pull over on the side of the road.  We moved my older kids and all the craft supplies to her van, and she continued on her way to the location.  I took my youngest two kids and returned to the hotel to get Jersey #4 cleaned up.

I had originally planned to return as soon as I had her all cleaned up and on her feet again.  

Instead, I returned to the hotel to discover that the room key had been deactivated.  I had to go to the front lobby to get it re-keyed.  By the time I returned to the room, Jersey #4 ended up emptying the rest of the contents of her belly onto the rock landscaping in front of the room.  We just did not have time to get inside to the bathroom, and the lobby restrooms were out of order.

Clearly, this is NOT a vacation!

I got her all cleaned up in the bathtub, and resting on the bed (where the maid had removed the sheets, but had not made up the beds yet).  Then, I went to work getting my van cleaned out and getting her booster seat cleaned up.  

This is when I was reminded that the hotel washing machine was out of order.

This is NOT a vacation!

I hand-washed her vomit clothes and her car seat cover in the bathtub, and set them outside the room door to dry.

Instead of returning to the mission program to "serve," I hung out in the hotel room, watching my sick princess sleep.

Thankfully, she woke up in the early evening, feeling much better.  She was able to hold down apple juice, and later eat some simple foods.  We re-joined our group for a brief fellowship, and Jersey #4 was able to wander around outdoors and play a little.  She is on the mend.

I have no idea what to expect for tomorrow.

Because, this is NOT a Vacation!

My Hope Is Not In You

During our lunch date to commemorate our 14 years of marriage, my husband and I got into a small discussion about the current state of our marriage.  

Things do not look good.

We are living apart.  He has his own apartment and lives alone.  I remain in our home, and am raising our kids.  He provides 2/3 of his paycheck to support me and the kids.  We communicate well about the kids, and he visits them at least twice a week.  He is suffering from a very serious health issue and has to make major life changes to cope with it.  He no longer blames me for the status of his health, and has apologized for the original blame and hostility.  He praises me and encourages me in how I raise the kids, thanking me for giving them a stable, loving environment, in the midst of our broken family.  

Even though he is so kind with his provision, visits, and appreciation, he does not feel that he is capable of relationships at this time.  He just cannot be a husband to me right now.  He has been very honest about that, and has even said that he is not sure he will ever be able to be a husband again.  He does not envision ever being able to return home again either.  He is trying his very best to be part of the kids' lives, but he feels he fall short as a father as well.  

Sadly, the advice he has been given by coworkers and family has been more destructive than helpful.  The suggestions are very worldly, and focused on personal gain and selfishness.  None of it even comes close to following the Word of God, or doing what is right for the family, or even honoring commitments and vows.  He has been encouraged to get drunk, to have casual sex with a stranger, to get divorced, and to keep more of his paychecks for himself.  It is surprising to me that anyone would think these choices would be helpful to him in any way.  They all seem more destructive, and he has enough problems to contend with already.  Much worse, those choices bring harm to his children.  Anyone who knows him at all knows how his children are more important to him than anything else.  I guess that just goes to show how much his coworkers and family do not really know him at all.  Thankfully, he is not following such awful advice.

During our lunch conversation, he made a point to share with me that his brother believes he is unfairly misleading me.  Since he has no intentions of restoring our marriage and family, his brother has advised him to divorce me and make things final.  My husband assured me that he did not want to mislead me.

I chose to not comment about the fact that his brother does not know me at all, has not spoken to me at all, and is in no position to be assessing whether or not I am being misled.  I am only partially surprised at his insistence that his brother divorce me.  I am sure he believes it will make him look better to be the only brother still married.  That family seems set on encouraging my husband to fail.  It is sad. 

Instead, I communicated to my husband that he was not misleading me.  He has been quite honest with me about his thoughts about his health and our family.  He has been honest about his limits and his desires.  He has not promised me anything better, but instead tells me this is all he has to give right now....and may be all he has to give forever.  I am grateful that he is providing.  I am grateful that he is visiting the kids.  I see that he still cares about me and he really cares about his children.  I see things exactly as they are, and I am learning to be content with that right now.  

And, then, I looked him square in the eye and I told him that I believe the thing that he and his brother are both missing is the fact that

"my hope is not in you."

I am not sitting on edge, waiting for a sign from him that things are getting better or worse.  I am not reading more into my situation than is there.  I am not pressuring him to be something that he cannot be.  

My hope is in God.

I pray that my husband's health will be healed.  I pray that our marriage will be mended.  I pray that our family will be restored.  I know that God is fully capable of all those things.  

I do not know if God will heal, or mend, or restore.  I do not know if it will happen in time, or not at all.  I cannot pretend to understand why we are going through this trial right now.  But, I can see where each of us....my husband...myself....and each of our children....are growing right now.  God is molding us.  We are being prepared for something.  I do not know what the future will bring.  But, I do know that God is in control.  

I also reminded my husband that when people have kids, they don't get a clean break with divorce.  We have children together.  That will always be true.  So, even if he divorces me, he is still stuck with me, as the mother of his children.  Considering how important his children are to him, he is really stuck with me. (Ironically, "our song" is "Happy To Be Stuck With You" by Huey Lewis and the News!)

I do not know if I will get what I want.  But, I do know that God will see me through, and be with me every step of the way.

I did not come to this answer on my own.  I heard this comment spoken to me in the past.  I met a woman who had suffered the death of a child.  She was 23 weeks, 6 days along in her pregnancy, when she went into labor.  The hospital had a policy at the time that they did not try to save babies born before 24 weeks.  My friend tried to argue that by midnight her baby would be 24 weeks along, and that was just a few hours away.  The head doctor argued back that she could be off on her dates.  For some reason, the doctors did not think her baby would survive, and they did not seem interested in trying to save her.  A nurse spoke up and got the doctor to agree to let the nurse monitor the baby's status during the labor, to see if the baby remained alive.  That seemed acceptable, but the team of doctors took turns entering the room through the night to explain all the reasons why they did not think the baby could survive the preterm labor.  As my friend told me her story, she said it was as if the doctors were trying to convince her and her husband that there was no hope.  She then explained that the part the doctors were missing was that their hope did not come from the doctors.  Their hope came from God.  It turned out that their baby girl was born at exactly 24 weeks gestation.  She entered the world crying, and breathing on her own, which was a complete shock to the hospital staff.  She lived for 45 days in the NICU, until a skin infection took her life (a baby's skin is so thin at that age.  It is not as capable of protecting the body the way a full term baby, or older person's skin can perform).  The head doctor was not allowed in the room for the delivery, because my friend feared that due to his lack of desire to treat her baby, he may actually attempt to kill it instead.  Even after all that she had been through, my friend prayed that this doctor would have a change of heart toward the lives of the babies in his future deliveries.  Her story, and her explanation of hope, has stuck with me all these years.  

As I sat at the table, enjoying lunch out with my husband on our 14th anniversary, I listened to him explain how bleak our marriage relationship really is, and how he has been advised to just get a divorce and be done with it, in order to help me see that I am living on false hope.  

Immediately, my mind declared that MY HOPE IS IN CHRIST!

I tried to gently explain that I was not being misled.  I was not even believing things were good.  I do see how things are better, and I am happy to celebrate that.  I am happy to share the status of improvement with my friends and family, especially the ones who I know are praying for us.  Six months ago, my husband was in a state of hostility and blame, directed right at me.  I feel as though I have been walking through a living hell this entire year so far.  So much has improved in those 6 months.  The blame is gone.  The hostility is gone.  He is providing, and caring, and visiting, and communicating in truth.  He is soul-searching and taking responsibility for his own health.  He is being kind toward me.  We can talk and communicate about the kids and about our past and present life.  We can even dine together and enjoy the delicious food.  

But, my hope for our future is not in any of those positive changes.  My hope is not in his ability to mend or find stability in his health.  My hope is not in time healing all wounds.  My husband is not my source of hope.

My God is my source of hope.  

No matter what happens to our marriage, to our family, and to our life as each day passes into the future, I know that God is in control.  

  

       

Is this "for worse" or "in sickness"?

I take you to be my husband, 

to have and to hold , 

for better or for worse, 

for richer, for poorer, 

in sickness and in health, 

to love and to cherish; 

from this day forward 

until death do us part.

I have spent weeks struggling through my Pastor's sermons from the "Not. a fan." series.  At the same time, I have overlapped those struggles with my grieving struggles about the death of my baby boy, and also about the break-up of my marriage and home.  I have experienced a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions, and have not been able to find much peace.  

Until now.

I went one more round with God about my entitlements.  What about what I want?  What about the marriage that I want?  What about the family that I want?  What about the life that I want?  

I know people who would totally support me going after what I want.

But, if I focus solely on what I want, then I am completely ignoring what God wants.

Dying to one's self is not easy.

I suppose that is why the Not. a. fan. sermon series was so determined to point out that following Christ comes with sacrifice.  The world does not usually understand God's ways.  His ways are higher than our ways.  The world would like to tell us that God's ways are no longer relevant.  Through the various crisis in my life, I have come to see more clearly how God's ways are absolutely relevant.  They are superior.

"Dying to yourself may mean that you selflessly love a spouse 

who has cheated you out of a marriage you so desperately wanted."   

---Kyle Idleman, not a fan.

I have not been able to get that statement out of my head.  I have spent way too much time dwelling on it.  I finally asked God if this was true for me?  Am I suppose to love my husband, even though he has done some pretty extreme unloving acts that have broken up our life together?

Yes.

But, what about boundaries?  I don't want to be a doormat, and just take whatever he dishes out.  Boundaries are important.  If he won't accept the boundaries of a healthy relationship, and wants to walk away instead, then aren't I suppose to just let him go?

Yes.  Let him go.  That is his choice to make.  But, that should not stop me from loving him.  That does not give me the freedom to seek love with someone else.  That does not end our marriage.  That does not remove my responsibility as his wife.

The choice did not come easy to me.  Even after I was very clear on what I needed to do, I struggled with it.  I went through the arguments and emotions.  I brought up all of my entitlements.  

And when I finally looked at myself the way that God sees me.....when I finally realized just how small my problems truly are.....when I finally caught of a glimpse of God's power compared to my weakness.....when I finally realized that there was a much bigger picture unfolding here....

when I finally looked at my life here on Earth as just a vapor compared to my life of eternity in heaven.....

that is when I finally got a clue:

It all comes down to love.

The Bible spells it out so simply.....

Matthew 22:36-40

King James Version (KJV)

³⁶ Master, which is the great commandment in the law?

³⁷ Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.

³⁸ This is the first and great commandment.

³⁹ And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.

⁴⁰ On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.

Love God.

Love others.

It is just that simple.

I finally reached that point of accepting that it is time for me to stop whining about how my life did not turn out the way that I had planned.  It is time to stop dwelling on what has been broken.  It is time to stop focusing on what I want, and start focusing on what God wants.

Love God.

Love others.

I purposed in my heart that I was going to love my husband, and forgive the past.  I was going to show the love of Christ.  I was going to do these things without expectation that our relationship and family would be restored.  I am reminded that my husband is expecting strife in his entire life.  He is not accustomed to love.  

I was reminded of a quote I had read in the past, that really reminded me of him:

He drew a circle that shut me out.

But Love and I had the wit to win:

We drew a larger circle that took him in.

---Apples of Gold

  

My life has dramatically changed the moment I had a change of heart.

For starters, I have peace.  I am not longer dwelling on what could have been, should have been, might have been.  I am accepting of my situation, and that God knows what He is doing.  He already knows the outcome.  He knows the bigger picture.

Then, in the past four days, I have had three very serious, very honest conversations with my husband.  He has shared with me things I never realized before.

I have a different level of clarity right now.

Health

Finances

Marriage

Things are not what they seemed before.

Oh the irony that those are the very subjects of wedding vows: 

In sickness and in health...

For richer or poorer...

For better or for worse...  

Ok, so are we in sickness, poorer, or worse right now?

Technically, all 3.

But, it is sickness that seems to be trying to ruin us right now.

During our conversations, my husband was able to open my eyes to the reality that I did not see.

His is really suffering.  His depression is not stable.  He sees and is learning to admit to his limits.

He is not currently capable of doing more for our finances, or for relationships.  He is trying his absolute hardest to be a father to his children, but it is taking every ounce of strength he has to do what he believes is not enough.  He has nothing left for anyone or anything else.

Due to his hostile actions in the past 6 months, I did not see how much he still truly cares for me.  That was refreshing to realize.  

He reaffirmed his previous apologies for his hostile actions.  He had tried to blame me for his woe, being in complete denial of his illness.  If he wasn't ill, then clearly it was my fault he was so miserable.  Now that he lives alone, he realizes that his woe has nothing to do with anyone else.  I see that change in him.  I have accepted his apologies.  I forgive him, and leave the past behind us.  

But, what about the present?  Things are not fixed here.

A friend prompted me to check out CCEF Christian Counseling and Educational Foundation.  I found a podcast that was discussing loving a depressed spouse.  The advice was outstanding, and really changed my perspective on my current situation....

 Understand, that as deeply as you love your spouse, you don’t have the ability to cure their depression.  And, you don’t need to walk around, carrying that burden.  God has called you to something much simpler than curing, but so much more important than trying to cure it.  

Being a faithful witness of His love.

Well, that certainly takes the load off my shoulders.  The goal is not to cure the depression.  The goal is to love my husband, whether he is depressed or not.  If I try to throw him a lifeline, and he ignores it, I get caught up in his hopelessness.  Focusing on the cure, is actually rather depressing.    

Even while he is suffering with depression, my husband needs to love and honor God, and love others.  As his spouse, I can model that love.

If my husband had cancer or heart disease, I would still love him.  I would be willing to stand with him as he battled his illness.  It should not be any different with mental illness.

While I cannot even pretend to fully understand his illness, I do understand grief.  There are some similarities that expand my compassion. 

The question is am I a committed enough wife to go the distance?

I have spent a lot of time focusing on how my husband has quit on me and quit on our marriage.  I have not taken the time to test whether or not I am trying to quit too.  

I think this may be exactly why that sermon series bothered me right from day one.  The question was am I a completely committed follower of Christ?  If I admit, yes, then it is time for me to fully honor God in  my marriage covenant.  

The funny thing is that it was my husband who laid the choice out for me.

During one of our conversations this week, he assured me that he has been faithful.  He has no intentions or desires of divorce.  He is not seeking a relationship with anyone else.  He wants me to have companionship, but he is unable to give me the things I desire right now.  He realizes it is unfair for me to have to live this way, just because he is ill.  So, even though he does not like the thought of me in the arms of another man, he would understand if I chose to quit on him, and pursue the type of relationship I desire most.   

That is a very sweet gesture from a man who does not know his own value.  He does not see himself the way that God sees him.

The answer was very clear to me.  I assured him that I am fully committed to our marriage, and our family.  I was not going to pursue anyone else, regardless of how lonely I feel sometimes.  I had purposed that decision in my heart, well before our conversation.  

Instead, I will love my husband with the love of Christ.  

Forgiving.  Restoring.  Unconditionally.

To have...

In sickness...

For poorer...

For worse...

Until death to us part.

(death by natural means:  I am not accepting any options of murder or suicide!)