My Hope Is Not In You

During our lunch date to commemorate our 14 years of marriage, my husband and I got into a small discussion about the current state of our marriage.  

Things do not look good.

We are living apart.  He has his own apartment and lives alone.  I remain in our home, and am raising our kids.  He provides 2/3 of his paycheck to support me and the kids.  We communicate well about the kids, and he visits them at least twice a week.  He is suffering from a very serious health issue and has to make major life changes to cope with it.  He no longer blames me for the status of his health, and has apologized for the original blame and hostility.  He praises me and encourages me in how I raise the kids, thanking me for giving them a stable, loving environment, in the midst of our broken family.  

Even though he is so kind with his provision, visits, and appreciation, he does not feel that he is capable of relationships at this time.  He just cannot be a husband to me right now.  He has been very honest about that, and has even said that he is not sure he will ever be able to be a husband again.  He does not envision ever being able to return home again either.  He is trying his very best to be part of the kids' lives, but he feels he fall short as a father as well.  

Sadly, the advice he has been given by coworkers and family has been more destructive than helpful.  The suggestions are very worldly, and focused on personal gain and selfishness.  None of it even comes close to following the Word of God, or doing what is right for the family, or even honoring commitments and vows.  He has been encouraged to get drunk, to have casual sex with a stranger, to get divorced, and to keep more of his paychecks for himself.  It is surprising to me that anyone would think these choices would be helpful to him in any way.  They all seem more destructive, and he has enough problems to contend with already.  Much worse, those choices bring harm to his children.  Anyone who knows him at all knows how his children are more important to him than anything else.  I guess that just goes to show how much his coworkers and family do not really know him at all.  Thankfully, he is not following such awful advice.

During our lunch conversation, he made a point to share with me that his brother believes he is unfairly misleading me.  Since he has no intentions of restoring our marriage and family, his brother has advised him to divorce me and make things final.  My husband assured me that he did not want to mislead me.

I chose to not comment about the fact that his brother does not know me at all, has not spoken to me at all, and is in no position to be assessing whether or not I am being misled.  I am only partially surprised at his insistence that his brother divorce me.  I am sure he believes it will make him look better to be the only brother still married.  That family seems set on encouraging my husband to fail.  It is sad. 

Instead, I communicated to my husband that he was not misleading me.  He has been quite honest with me about his thoughts about his health and our family.  He has been honest about his limits and his desires.  He has not promised me anything better, but instead tells me this is all he has to give right now....and may be all he has to give forever.  I am grateful that he is providing.  I am grateful that he is visiting the kids.  I see that he still cares about me and he really cares about his children.  I see things exactly as they are, and I am learning to be content with that right now.  

And, then, I looked him square in the eye and I told him that I believe the thing that he and his brother are both missing is the fact that

"my hope is not in you."

I am not sitting on edge, waiting for a sign from him that things are getting better or worse.  I am not reading more into my situation than is there.  I am not pressuring him to be something that he cannot be.  

My hope is in God.

I pray that my husband's health will be healed.  I pray that our marriage will be mended.  I pray that our family will be restored.  I know that God is fully capable of all those things.  

I do not know if God will heal, or mend, or restore.  I do not know if it will happen in time, or not at all.  I cannot pretend to understand why we are going through this trial right now.  But, I can see where each of us....my husband...myself....and each of our children....are growing right now.  God is molding us.  We are being prepared for something.  I do not know what the future will bring.  But, I do know that God is in control.  

I also reminded my husband that when people have kids, they don't get a clean break with divorce.  We have children together.  That will always be true.  So, even if he divorces me, he is still stuck with me, as the mother of his children.  Considering how important his children are to him, he is really stuck with me. (Ironically, "our song" is "Happy To Be Stuck With You" by Huey Lewis and the News!)

I do not know if I will get what I want.  But, I do know that God will see me through, and be with me every step of the way.

I did not come to this answer on my own.  I heard this comment spoken to me in the past.  I met a woman who had suffered the death of a child.  She was 23 weeks, 6 days along in her pregnancy, when she went into labor.  The hospital had a policy at the time that they did not try to save babies born before 24 weeks.  My friend tried to argue that by midnight her baby would be 24 weeks along, and that was just a few hours away.  The head doctor argued back that she could be off on her dates.  For some reason, the doctors did not think her baby would survive, and they did not seem interested in trying to save her.  A nurse spoke up and got the doctor to agree to let the nurse monitor the baby's status during the labor, to see if the baby remained alive.  That seemed acceptable, but the team of doctors took turns entering the room through the night to explain all the reasons why they did not think the baby could survive the preterm labor.  As my friend told me her story, she said it was as if the doctors were trying to convince her and her husband that there was no hope.  She then explained that the part the doctors were missing was that their hope did not come from the doctors.  Their hope came from God.  It turned out that their baby girl was born at exactly 24 weeks gestation.  She entered the world crying, and breathing on her own, which was a complete shock to the hospital staff.  She lived for 45 days in the NICU, until a skin infection took her life (a baby's skin is so thin at that age.  It is not as capable of protecting the body the way a full term baby, or older person's skin can perform).  The head doctor was not allowed in the room for the delivery, because my friend feared that due to his lack of desire to treat her baby, he may actually attempt to kill it instead.  Even after all that she had been through, my friend prayed that this doctor would have a change of heart toward the lives of the babies in his future deliveries.  Her story, and her explanation of hope, has stuck with me all these years.  

As I sat at the table, enjoying lunch out with my husband on our 14th anniversary, I listened to him explain how bleak our marriage relationship really is, and how he has been advised to just get a divorce and be done with it, in order to help me see that I am living on false hope.  

Immediately, my mind declared that MY HOPE IS IN CHRIST!

I tried to gently explain that I was not being misled.  I was not even believing things were good.  I do see how things are better, and I am happy to celebrate that.  I am happy to share the status of improvement with my friends and family, especially the ones who I know are praying for us.  Six months ago, my husband was in a state of hostility and blame, directed right at me.  I feel as though I have been walking through a living hell this entire year so far.  So much has improved in those 6 months.  The blame is gone.  The hostility is gone.  He is providing, and caring, and visiting, and communicating in truth.  He is soul-searching and taking responsibility for his own health.  He is being kind toward me.  We can talk and communicate about the kids and about our past and present life.  We can even dine together and enjoy the delicious food.  

But, my hope for our future is not in any of those positive changes.  My hope is not in his ability to mend or find stability in his health.  My hope is not in time healing all wounds.  My husband is not my source of hope.

My God is my source of hope.  

No matter what happens to our marriage, to our family, and to our life as each day passes into the future, I know that God is in control.