God spoke. I cried.

This morning, I woke up to an email in my inbox.  

A woman who actively participates at the same AWANA club emailed me to say that she had just heard about the loss of my baby boy.  Although I know this woman, slightly, our children are not the same ages, so we do not volunteer in the same classrooms.  So, I really don't know her very well at all.  It is really no surprise that she was unaware of the status of crisis in my life.

It was a surprise that she took the time to contact me.  It was an even bigger surprise to read what she had to say.

Sadly, this woman recently suffered a miscarriage.  She is grieving, and that pain is terrible.  She wanted to reach out to me, because she better understands the pain that I am enduring.  A mutual friend shared with her about my situation, and some of the things I have posted on my blog.  One of the things that was shared was the fact that I do not yet have a gravestone for my babies' grave.

She said the Lord placed it on her heart that she and her husband should help me get a gravestone for the grave.  In her email, she offered to do that for me, if I would let her.

I immediately started crying.  I was so filled with adrenaline that I was shaking, and had to sit down.  My heart was racing with joy and excitement, and I was completely overwhelmed that God was meeting this need in my life.  I am SO sensitive, that my emotions are often manifested in a physical reaction as well.  My body was in such a hyped up state, that I would not have been surprised if I had a heart attack.  Although, I am not sure if joy can give you a heart attack.  I doubt it.

It was easy to see God's hand in this.

I have not been talking about my inability to purchase the gravestone for my babies' grave.  It is a want, not a true need.  I don't want to be a charity case and expect everyone else to cover my expenses.  So, I tucked the desire down deep, and constantly looked for ways to save the funds.  None of my efforts were working.  By the time I wrote the blog post that mentioned that the lack of stone on the grave bothered me, I was in a state of anger about how difficult it was to save this money, in my current financial situation.  I was growing bitter toward my husband over this desire of mine.  Honestly, the amount of money he spends on renting his own apartment would easily cover the cost of a headstone for the grave!  

As I have been working through my struggles, with Bible study and prayer, I had finally reached a point of letting go of the anger and bitterness (that is a whole other blog post).  I handed over my financial struggle to God.  I had to let it go and accept that the funds for the gravestone will arrive in God's timing, not mine.  This is actually quite difficult for me.  I like to plan.  Memorial Day would be a great time to get a stone placed.  The anniversary of Mackenzie's birth/death is in June, that would be a great time to get the stone placed.  Titus was due to be born the first week of July, and that would be a great time to get the stone placed.  Well, since it takes about 6 weeks for the stone to be completed, there was no way I was going to get it in time for any of these time points, especially when the first step is having the money to pay for it.  Memorial Day came and went, and I was sad about the gravestone.  The desire is deep.  So, I had to keep reminding myself that it is a want, not a true need.

When this woman who hardly knows me offered to fund the gravestone, because God told her to, I was completely overwhelmed.  What a blessing!  This is HUGE for me!  What a mending of my heart's desire!  There are not enough exclamation points in the world to express how I am rejoicing over this!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

God didn't stop there.

Two lessons have come to me through this.

It is humbling to me to see Christian love in action like this.  A broken-hearted woman reached out to someone else, in the midst of her pain.  My response is to feel sorry for myself, not to reach out to others.  What an example she sets.  I have a lot to learn.

In spite of the joy I felt over this answered prayer, there was a piece of me who was not certain I could accept this gift.  I even asked my Pastor and my husband if it was acceptable to receive such a large gift like this.....especially when it is a desire, and not a need.  I am accustomed to standing on my own two feet, and doing everything I can on my own.  I do not like to be a charity case.  My Pastor advised me to allow others to minister me, so that they can fulfill God's will in their lives as well.  I didn't look at it this way.  My husband suggested that it is not a charity case because I am not asking for help, or expecting it.  It is easy for me to do for others.  It is difficult for me to accept help from others.

I finally reached enough composure to call this lady.  I had sent an email response right away, but I was crying and shaking so much that I knew I could not maintain a conversation.  It was so nice to talk with her on the phone.  She is such a loving person.  She was quite serious about giving me the money for the gravestone.  

I am still in a bit of shock about this whole blessing and answered prayer.  My excitement about being able to begin the process of selecting the headstone is growing, as the idea becomes more real to me.

God is SO Good!

       

    

Titus

It has been nearly 2 months since my last blog post on New Year's Day.  Life has been overwhelming.  At first, I chose not to blog about it, to reduce conflict with The Referee.  When my computer keyboard began to malfunction, it was that much easier to avoid blogging.  My life has taken an even graver turn.  The absolute worst tragedy has occurred.  We have had to bury another child.  I know grieving is hard, but I am realizing that it is a tough struggle for me right now.  Writing helps me work through my thoughts and emotions.  Because he knows this about me, The Referee bought me a new keyboard for my computer, when our son died.  After the tough grieving day I had yesterday, I think it is time to put this new keyboard to work, and write my way through the pain...

 In loving memory of our precious, tiny son:

Titus 

Arrived Stillborn Tuesday February 14, 2012, 5:40 AM

(Expected due date:  July 1, 2012)

6 ounces

9 1/2 inches    

Birth Story:

We do not know the reason our baby's heart was silenced prior to birth.  I went to the hospital to check on bleeding that had occurred.  An ultrasound revealed that the baby had died in the womb (fetal demise in the uterus).  I saw for myself on the ultrasound that the baby was not moving, and his heart was not beating.  I was 20 weeks along in the pregnancy, the half-way point.

The attending doctor who oversaw the diagnosis, strongly encouraged that I go through a surgical procedure, and quickly get rid of the baby, without seeing him, and be done with it.  (Clearly, she did not have a clue about me).  She discussed a D&E procedure at her clinic.  The D&E (dilation and extraction) is a common abortion procedure, where the baby is removed from the womb in pieces.  The clinic this doctor intended to send me to was the hospital's abortion clinic.  When I refused the clinic and the procedure, the doctor attempted to persuade me by saying that an induction of labor would be too risky for my health, due to my previous 2 c-sections.  She was certain my c-section scar would rupture from the high doses of induction medication.  When I insisted that I wanted the opportunity to see and hold my baby, and I was not going to have it ripped apart at an abortion clinic, the doctor was able to come up with a compromise.  She suggested I return the next afternoon (Monday), and have seaweed sticks inserted into my cervix to dilate the cervix, return home for the night, then be admitted to the hospital Tuesday morning for an induction.  The induction was presumed to be safer, if the cervix was already forced open.

I sought a 2nd opinion from an OB doctor who valued life.  He brought me comfort, peace, and understanding of my options and risks.  He confirmed that the current plan was acceptable.  He also assured me that a full induction would also be acceptable, and lower doses of induction medication could be used.  He gave me insight that the values of the Doctor giving the diagnosis comes into account, when recommendations are given.  A Doctor who does not perform the D&E procedure, would not have even made such a recommendation.  Unfortunately, for me, I was diagnosed by an abortionist, so the abortion procedure was her focused recommendation.  I was forced to take a stand for my values.

I returned to the hospital Monday afternoon to begin the seaweed dilation procedure (laminaria).  The OB Doctor working that day, entered the room and boldly informed me that she was well aware of the recommendations I was given the day before, and that she believed I was not fully informed of ALL of my options.  She asked if she could take the time to explain more options and give her recommendation.  The primary option I was not offered the day before, was to begin a slow, low-dose induction (the same option the doctor mentioned in my 2nd opinion), which was actually a common practice at that hospital.  I was at immediate peace that this was the option I needed to pursue, even though it took me longer to wrap my mind around the idea of starting then, and not the next day.  The Referee, my Mom, and my friend, had all previously expressed their concern about me returning home after the seaweed dilation procedure, and ending up having the baby or a bleeding emergency at home.  Their concerns were at the front of my mind when I learned of my new option.  Plus, the new option was familiar--I had already delivered 4 babies with this same induction medication in the past (prior to the c-sections).  I already knew how the medication worked in my body, and it worked very well.

I was admitted to the labor & delivery floor, for the slow, low-dose induction.  (The dose was one quarter the amount typically used in this situation, with the option to increase to half the typical dose, if necessary).  Medication would be given every 4 hours, after my cervix was checked for progress.  I already knew my 2nd opinion doctor was in agreement.  I called Dr. S, our beloved Family Doctor, and he also agreed with the plan.  The Referee agreed.  My Mom agreed.  My friends agreed.  I had peace....

....until the big-wig family practice abortion doctor entered the room.  (He was the surgeon who performed my 2 c-sections.  After the 2nd c-section, I learned this doctor was an abortionist, credited with bringing surgical abortions to that hospital.  He is prominent in training the next generation of doctors in abortion procedures, directs the abortion clinic, and hosts the grant to bring medication abortions to family practice clinics all over the state.  He is the very reason I knew I had to request an OB doctor for any future deliveries, as the Family Practice Department has taken a strong turn away from family values.  I set out on a quest to find a pro-life OB to deliver my baby, but did not make it far enough in the process before this birth.)  This doctor was not my doctor, and was not even working in the department that was overseeing my care.  I do not know why he invited himself into my room to discuss my case.  He presented me with his solution to perform the D&E procedure in the hospital operating room, instead of the abortion clinic.  I informed him that not only would I not set foot in the clinic, but I did not want the procedure at all.  He made 4 attempts to insist that I have the D&E procedure in the OR....stopping his demand only after I insisted that I wanted to deliver and hold my baby, and would not let him rip it to shreds!!!

I do not fully understand what was going on, but it was clear that my case was a battle ground, and the values of the doctors at that hospital are strongly split.  I was still shaking from the argument with the big-wig abortion doctor when my new favorite OB doctor (who reviewed my case and gave me a 2nd opinion), came for a visit to meet me and shake my hand.  Once again, he brought me peace.  He told me that not only was the current induction plan a good one, but that due to the fever I had just begun, I was showing symptoms of infection, and they were obligated to deliver me and not send me home.  He also let me know that he informed the other doctors that he was on another service at the hospital that night, but could be called at any time if I had questions, complications, or wanted a 2nd opinion.  What a blessing!  

The rest of my night was peaceful.  I had great support from The Referee, and 3 dear friends who also happen to be nurses.  The doctors overseeing my care were sweet.  My nurses were sweet.  And, my Pastor visited and prayed with us.  Friends and family were bathing me in prayer, and emails and texts of encouragement.  Most of all, I knew my God was in control.

My body had already started to show signs of being ready to let go of the baby, as my cervix was preparing for delivery.  The fever was a symptom of infection, the biggest risk of having a dead baby in the womb for too long.  IV antibiotics improved that immediately, and my fever went away and never returned.  The first dose of induction medicine brought me to 50% effaced.  The second dose (4 hours later) brought me to 1 cm dilated.  The 3rd dose (another 4 hours later), kicked my body into gear, with steady contractions.  1 hour later, contractions were regular enough for me to sit up and take notice.  By the 3rd hour, I was saying I thought I might be dilated to a 3 or 4 by the time they check me again.  Then, I commented that I felt like my water was going to break soon.  Contractions were just starting to catch my breath.  Things took a very FAST turn at that point...

My friend had just stepped out of the room, when my water broke.  The Referee helped me get to the bathroom.  I was just starting to undress when another fluid gush showed me that my bag of waters was a bag of brown, muddy water.  I knew that was not a good sign, so I asked The Referee to call the nurse.  The Referee decided to get her in person.  As soon as I heard the door close behind him, I felt Titus exiting my body.  I reached down and caught him.  I pulled the help button in the bathroom, sounding the alarm and sending the nurse into a full sprint.  When she arrived, I called out that the baby was born, and I caught him.  The nurse was calm as could be as she clamped the cord, cradled the baby, and took him to the warmer for assessment and to wrap him in a blanket.  By this time, other caregivers were also in the room.  Another nurse and the doctor helped me to the bed, to deliver the placenta.  Delivery of the placenta was critical....it all needed to come out.  If any remained attached to the uterus, I could hemorrhage and need surgery to get it out.  The Doctor took the greatest care I have ever seen given to a placenta.  She massaged my abdomen, and gently coaxed the placenta out, with the skill of a snake charmer.  I think she may have been holding her breath.  The placenta was delivered a few minutes later, full and intact.  The Doctor let out a huge sigh of relief and announced, "It's all here!"  

Titus was a sight to behold.  He was such a tiny, perfectly-formed little guy.  Every feature was present, even his fingernails.  It was already clear that his cheeks, nose, and eye shape were so similar to his big brother, Jersey #3.  Had he been born alive, he would have been another replica of his brothers.  When I held his hand in mine, his whole hand was not even as big as two of my fingers.  Titus was longer than my hand, but fit into The Referee's hand perfectly.  When The Referee held him, swaddled in a blanket, it looked like he was holding a small baby doll.

The OB Doctor who delivered the placenta informed me that she could not see any obvious cause of death, just from the look of the baby, the placenta, or the cord.  We signed consent for a Pathology exam, and genetics testing, but we may or may not receive answers as to why Titus died in the womb so young.  Titus was too small for an autopsy.  500 gram size is required, and Titus was only 173 grams.  Jersey #2's Cardiologist visited us, to let us know she cared, and that she was keeping an eye on my case too.  She let us know that the doctor report measured Titus to be about the size of 16-week gestation.  

Due to his small size, he is legally considered a miscarriage, not a stillbirth, so there will be no death certificate.  (In our state, there is no birth certificate unless the baby is born alive, so we did not get a birth certificate for Mackenzie, only a death certificate).  These legal standards will not stop us from honoring his precious life, with a memorial service and burial. We are planning to bury Titus' body and Mackenzie's cremains in a graveyard plot, together.  At the time of her stillbirth, we did not like the idea of burying Mackenzie alone.  Now, we will bury their earthly remains together, knowing sister and brother are in heaven together, waiting for us. 

As difficult as it is to have to bury a child, it is nice that the birth of Titus went as healthy and as smooth as possible.  Prayers were answered.  God is Good!  The slow, low-dose induction process proved to be the best option for my own physical health, as well as mine and The Referee's emotional health.  Titus was born the natural way, freeing me from surgical scars on my womb.  (The Referee says I just dealt a huge blow to the abortion doctors' risk statistics that they were trying to use to scare me into agreeing to their methods!)  It was exhilarating that he was born into my hands!  It was heartwarming for us to be able to hold our son, even though we have to say goodbye to him too soon...