Hanging Up the Washing

My dryer went on the fritz, and left me with a huge mountain of dirty laundry.

I'm talking a very tall mountain.  Sheets, blankets, and towels galore!

We have been swimming for the past 2 weeks, in addition to the fact that I have some bed-wetters.  Add that to the fact that it took me a few days to realize the dryer really wasn't functioning properly.

(Ok, when the mountain of laundry grew taller than the counter, and started blocking the back door, I had to admit there was a problem here.)

So, today I rigged a quick clothesline with some rope, across the window bars in front of our house.  The front of the house gets a tremendous amount of sun and heat.  The backyard has dogs who would love to pull down the laundry and chew on it for sport.  

I started washing load after load of laundry.  I would wash and hang 2 loads of linens for every 1 load of clothing.  The clothing went into the dryer and spun for an absurd length of time before it would dry.  

The response to my situation has had me entertained all day long.

One friend recommended a laundromat.  

Two friends offered to let me come to their house and use their laundry appliances.  I have the sweetest friends.

My Pastor reminded me that there is a washer and dryer at the church that I could use.  That did give me an idea for how I could keep us in jean shorts, if it takes to long to remedy my dryer situation.

One friend offered to take a look at the dryer and see if he can fix it.

My husband offered to research the make and model to see if there are some easy ideas for how to fix it. (Neither of us are very handy at such things.  I had already tried cleaning out the vent hose, and some easy things, that were of no help).

My Mom mentioned that she was surprised that her daughters even had clothespins.  I had to confess that I did not actually own clothespins, so I was just draping the linens over the rope.  (Then again, I did not even have clothes line, so I was using a rope that was used to hang the pinata at the most recent birthday party.)  I have never actually had to live out the life of my poor Southern roots.....before today.  

As we were returning home from swim lessons this morning, I mentioned to the kids that since our dryer was not working properly, I was going to hang a clothesline and do laundry the old fashioned way.

Jersey #1 looked at me very puzzled and asked, "You are going to wash the laundry in a lake?"

Um, no.  The washer works fine, and we do not have a lake.

Jersey #2 asked, "Are you going to make your own butter too?"

I just started laughing.

I suppose when they think of "old fashioned," they are thinking Little House on the Prairie, or colonial American Girl stories.  

Jersey #3 inspired me with his enthusiasm about the situation.  He seems to look at the world with eyes for adventure and fun.  He offered to help me hang towels.  He excitedly announced when things were dry.  He repeatedly said, "This is SO COOL!"  

He even stood between rows of blankets and towels and jumped out at me as I walked past.  He giggled at my response, and then said that hanging laundry outside makes a great place to play hide and go seek.  

This is Summer

For some strange reason, I thought that the two weeks that we had swim lessons on the calendar would be more relaxed and slower paced than our previous summer schedule.  

I was very wrong.

We are super busy, and very active still.  It is just that the kids pretty much wear swim suits all day and most of our activities involve getting wet.  Swim team practice, swim lessons, and recreational swimming with friends fill our days.  Some days include lunch at the park, or gymnastics class.  

And, we call this SUMMER!

Is this "for worse" or "in sickness"?

I take you to be my husband, 

to have and to hold , 

for better or for worse, 

for richer, for poorer, 

in sickness and in health, 

to love and to cherish; 

from this day forward 

until death do us part.

I have spent weeks struggling through my Pastor's sermons from the "Not. a fan." series.  At the same time, I have overlapped those struggles with my grieving struggles about the death of my baby boy, and also about the break-up of my marriage and home.  I have experienced a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions, and have not been able to find much peace.  

Until now.

I went one more round with God about my entitlements.  What about what I want?  What about the marriage that I want?  What about the family that I want?  What about the life that I want?  

I know people who would totally support me going after what I want.

But, if I focus solely on what I want, then I am completely ignoring what God wants.

Dying to one's self is not easy.

I suppose that is why the Not. a. fan. sermon series was so determined to point out that following Christ comes with sacrifice.  The world does not usually understand God's ways.  His ways are higher than our ways.  The world would like to tell us that God's ways are no longer relevant.  Through the various crisis in my life, I have come to see more clearly how God's ways are absolutely relevant.  They are superior.

"Dying to yourself may mean that you selflessly love a spouse 

who has cheated you out of a marriage you so desperately wanted."   

---Kyle Idleman, not a fan.

I have not been able to get that statement out of my head.  I have spent way too much time dwelling on it.  I finally asked God if this was true for me?  Am I suppose to love my husband, even though he has done some pretty extreme unloving acts that have broken up our life together?

Yes.

But, what about boundaries?  I don't want to be a doormat, and just take whatever he dishes out.  Boundaries are important.  If he won't accept the boundaries of a healthy relationship, and wants to walk away instead, then aren't I suppose to just let him go?

Yes.  Let him go.  That is his choice to make.  But, that should not stop me from loving him.  That does not give me the freedom to seek love with someone else.  That does not end our marriage.  That does not remove my responsibility as his wife.

The choice did not come easy to me.  Even after I was very clear on what I needed to do, I struggled with it.  I went through the arguments and emotions.  I brought up all of my entitlements.  

And when I finally looked at myself the way that God sees me.....when I finally realized just how small my problems truly are.....when I finally caught of a glimpse of God's power compared to my weakness.....when I finally realized that there was a much bigger picture unfolding here....

when I finally looked at my life here on Earth as just a vapor compared to my life of eternity in heaven.....

that is when I finally got a clue:

It all comes down to love.

The Bible spells it out so simply.....

Matthew 22:36-40

King James Version (KJV)

³⁶ Master, which is the great commandment in the law?

³⁷ Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.

³⁸ This is the first and great commandment.

³⁹ And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.

⁴⁰ On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.

Love God.

Love others.

It is just that simple.

I finally reached that point of accepting that it is time for me to stop whining about how my life did not turn out the way that I had planned.  It is time to stop dwelling on what has been broken.  It is time to stop focusing on what I want, and start focusing on what God wants.

Love God.

Love others.

I purposed in my heart that I was going to love my husband, and forgive the past.  I was going to show the love of Christ.  I was going to do these things without expectation that our relationship and family would be restored.  I am reminded that my husband is expecting strife in his entire life.  He is not accustomed to love.  

I was reminded of a quote I had read in the past, that really reminded me of him:

He drew a circle that shut me out.

But Love and I had the wit to win:

We drew a larger circle that took him in.

---Apples of Gold

  

My life has dramatically changed the moment I had a change of heart.

For starters, I have peace.  I am not longer dwelling on what could have been, should have been, might have been.  I am accepting of my situation, and that God knows what He is doing.  He already knows the outcome.  He knows the bigger picture.

Then, in the past four days, I have had three very serious, very honest conversations with my husband.  He has shared with me things I never realized before.

I have a different level of clarity right now.

Health

Finances

Marriage

Things are not what they seemed before.

Oh the irony that those are the very subjects of wedding vows: 

In sickness and in health...

For richer or poorer...

For better or for worse...  

Ok, so are we in sickness, poorer, or worse right now?

Technically, all 3.

But, it is sickness that seems to be trying to ruin us right now.

During our conversations, my husband was able to open my eyes to the reality that I did not see.

His is really suffering.  His depression is not stable.  He sees and is learning to admit to his limits.

He is not currently capable of doing more for our finances, or for relationships.  He is trying his absolute hardest to be a father to his children, but it is taking every ounce of strength he has to do what he believes is not enough.  He has nothing left for anyone or anything else.

Due to his hostile actions in the past 6 months, I did not see how much he still truly cares for me.  That was refreshing to realize.  

He reaffirmed his previous apologies for his hostile actions.  He had tried to blame me for his woe, being in complete denial of his illness.  If he wasn't ill, then clearly it was my fault he was so miserable.  Now that he lives alone, he realizes that his woe has nothing to do with anyone else.  I see that change in him.  I have accepted his apologies.  I forgive him, and leave the past behind us.  

But, what about the present?  Things are not fixed here.

A friend prompted me to check out CCEF Christian Counseling and Educational Foundation.  I found a podcast that was discussing loving a depressed spouse.  The advice was outstanding, and really changed my perspective on my current situation....

 Understand, that as deeply as you love your spouse, you don’t have the ability to cure their depression.  And, you don’t need to walk around, carrying that burden.  God has called you to something much simpler than curing, but so much more important than trying to cure it.  

Being a faithful witness of His love.

Well, that certainly takes the load off my shoulders.  The goal is not to cure the depression.  The goal is to love my husband, whether he is depressed or not.  If I try to throw him a lifeline, and he ignores it, I get caught up in his hopelessness.  Focusing on the cure, is actually rather depressing.    

Even while he is suffering with depression, my husband needs to love and honor God, and love others.  As his spouse, I can model that love.

If my husband had cancer or heart disease, I would still love him.  I would be willing to stand with him as he battled his illness.  It should not be any different with mental illness.

While I cannot even pretend to fully understand his illness, I do understand grief.  There are some similarities that expand my compassion. 

The question is am I a committed enough wife to go the distance?

I have spent a lot of time focusing on how my husband has quit on me and quit on our marriage.  I have not taken the time to test whether or not I am trying to quit too.  

I think this may be exactly why that sermon series bothered me right from day one.  The question was am I a completely committed follower of Christ?  If I admit, yes, then it is time for me to fully honor God in  my marriage covenant.  

The funny thing is that it was my husband who laid the choice out for me.

During one of our conversations this week, he assured me that he has been faithful.  He has no intentions or desires of divorce.  He is not seeking a relationship with anyone else.  He wants me to have companionship, but he is unable to give me the things I desire right now.  He realizes it is unfair for me to have to live this way, just because he is ill.  So, even though he does not like the thought of me in the arms of another man, he would understand if I chose to quit on him, and pursue the type of relationship I desire most.   

That is a very sweet gesture from a man who does not know his own value.  He does not see himself the way that God sees him.

The answer was very clear to me.  I assured him that I am fully committed to our marriage, and our family.  I was not going to pursue anyone else, regardless of how lonely I feel sometimes.  I had purposed that decision in my heart, well before our conversation.  

Instead, I will love my husband with the love of Christ.  

Forgiving.  Restoring.  Unconditionally.

To have...

In sickness...

For poorer...

For worse...

Until death to us part.

(death by natural means:  I am not accepting any options of murder or suicide!)

      

Gymnastics

What do you do with the child who swings from the rafters?

You put her in gymnastics class.

Jersey #2 does not appear to be cut out for contact sports.  I am not fully clear if it is her personality, or if it is a product of her heart experiences, but she is very set that she does not want anyone or anything  crashing into her torso.  She will run and duck from a ball that is tossed to her, instead of catching it.  She will step aside and let an opponent dribble a soccer ball right past her, or even step away from the ball if she has it and an opponent is approaching.  She does not understand the point of tackle football.  

Jersey #2 will also have limitations about the extent of aerobic activity her heart can sustain.  (Her surgeon warned us the day of her first heart surgery that she would not ever be able to be an Olympic level aerobic athlete).  That physical limitation is uncomfortable, and actually makes playing sports a challenge for her.  I suppose it would take the fun out of sports if you felt like you couldn't breathe well enough and your heart was pounding out of your chest.  (So far, she does not report pain, but a "strange" feeling).   

At the same time, we want her to be active and healthy.  It is my goal to introduce my kids to a variety of sports and activities, so that they can discover which ones they enjoy.  Being active is the best way to maintain fitness and health.  

As I watched Jersey #2 kick and stretch, and attempt the splits, it dawned on me that she might like gymnastics.  She also enjoys monkey bars.  She has an incredible amount of upper body strength, for a child who has had her chest muscle cut into twice.  When she started trying to do flips on the trampoline, I was certain that we needed to let her try gymnastics.

Jersey #2 LOVES gymnastics.  She takes 1 class a week, but wishes she could be at the gym every day.  She is such a determined child that she makes great improvements in her abilities each week.  She is still quite nervous about flipping over on the bars.  At first, she was a bit nervous about the balance beam too.  The beam height fear is fading quickly, as she gains confidence her own strength and balance.

Right now, she is enjoying a basic introductory gymnastics class.  As she progresses in that, we will consider a competitive class.  It looks like gymnastics might be a good fit for her.

Watching Jersey #2 in gymnastics class has inspired some younger siblings to attempt those cool tricks too...

Swim Lessons

The younger 4 kids started a 2-week session of swim lessons yesterday.  They had a blast.  They are all eager to progress in swimming, especially now that big sister, Jersey #1, is getting a lot of attention for the way she is progressing on the swim team.  

I usually like putting the kids in swim lessons.  It is nice to see how much they learn in those 2 weeks.  Last summer, we did not pursue lessons, and just bought a family swim pass to the city pools instead.  This summer, I wanted to return them to on session of lessons, and see how their swim skills measure up.  

I was nervous about Jersey #5.  He loves to swim.  He is fearless.  He can't swim, but that doesn't stop him from letting go and sinking underwater anyway.  Repeatedly.  Two summers ago, he and I did a parent/tot swim class together.  He was too insecure for the preschool class, even with his sister, Jersey #4, in the same class.  She completed the preschool class without him.  Technically, I should have enrolled him in the preschool class this summer.  But, I was concerned that he would not cooperate.  The preschool class spends a lot of time on the ledge of the pool, entering the water individually with the lifeguard instructor's assistance.  I was afraid my fearless, water-loving 3-year old would just continue to dive into the water, instead of waiting on the ledge.

Last Spring, I noticed he could stand in the 3-foot section of the pool.  That gave me the idea to enroll him in the first level of the child swim lessons class.  When I went to register the kids, the lifeguard pointed out that the preschool class was for ages 3-5.  I told him that Jersey #5 was really large for his age, and fearless in the water, so I thought it was best to start him in Level 1 instead.  The lifeguard thought that was a fine plan.  I was nervous to see if Jersey #5 would cooperate.  I had visions of him crying, or ignoring the lifeguards, or refusing to participate.

Apparently, I had nothing to worry about.  He went over to the side of the pool with his class, and sat right down with the other kids (including his sister who is in the same class).  He was all smiles the entire time.  Any time that the instructor mentioned they would go underwater and hold their breath, Jersey #5 demonstrated by immediately submerging.  He listened well enough to keep hold of the wall when he was suppose to.  It was a good day in class.  I am impressed that I did not have to rescue him at all.  (I had to rescue Jersey #3 when he was in the Level 1 swim class, because he dove off the wall when the lifeguard was not looking).  

Jersey #4 enjoyed her Level 1 class too.  She is anxious to swim on her own.  She proved to me that same evening that she can dog paddle her way for about 8 yards.  When we go to recreation swim, she wants to swim without her life jacket now.

She held her breath for 6 seconds.

I am going to have to move Jersey #3 up a level.  It appears that he did not waste any time progressing, even though he did not do lessons last summer.  He is another fearless fish of a child.  He found his Level 2 class to be boring.  He already knew how to float like a turtle, and how to kick with the kickboard.  I had told him and Jersey #2 that if they would learn to front crawl or backstroke one 25 meter length of the pool, then they can join the swim team next summer.  Jersey #3 has taken that challenge to heart.  He can now swim one length, on his back.  I am hoping that moving him up to the Level 3 class will help him learn better form for his strokes.  

Jersey #2 is in the Level 3 class.  That seems like a good fit for her, but she is worried that her brother may pass her up.  I have a feeling she is going to have a tough time with that for many sports, because Jersey #3 is naturally athletic anyway.  

Jersey #2 is determined to learn how to swim a lap in the pool, even if the pool depth goes over her head.  I keep trying to convince her that since she can swim, she really can swim in any depth.  But, the 5 foot section of the pool scares her.  She is focusing her attention on learning the arm strokes and breathing for the front crawl, so I think she is going to progress real well this summer.

I took swim lessons as a child, and loved it.  My Dad wanted us to learn to swim properly, with good stroke technique.  I joined the high school swim team, my Junior year of high school.  I worked as a lifeguard in high school and college.  I am hoping that my kids will develop strong swimming skills, and enjoy swim teams and possibly lifeguarding too. 

Chutes, Ladders, and Oceans

My eyes have been opened a little further.

After going through a few days of feeling sorry for myself, and writing this post about my struggles within our broken marriage, I had a deep conversation with my husband.  He was very honest with me about how bleak things look for him right now, and how very limited he is in his abilities to cope.  He does not ever see being able to return home and restore our family.  He is convinced he needs to live alone, isolated from other people.

That conversation really shattered any previous encouragement I had, and chipped away at my hope that things can ever get better.  I was feeling pretty sorry for myself about my broken marriage and family.  I was pretty angry about the lack of solutions for mental health issues.  Where are the success stories?  Where are the self-help books telling us how to win at marriage, family, and life, when one spouse is suffering with chronic illness?      

I went to bed with the weight of the world on my shoulders.  I was reminded of just how dark things are right now, with no end in sight.  I was burdened by just how challenging things look to be in the future.  I felt stuck with no solution.  I tossed and turned and really had a tough time falling asleep.

Today, I learned that I have some pretty amazing friends.

I have friends who will listen attentively and give me a hug.  It is nice to have an ear and a shoulder like that.  Bless those friends who are willing to walk along side me and feel my pain.

But, I also have friends who are rock solid in reality and faith.  These are the friends who will tell me like it is, with no sugar on top.  These are the friends who make no apologies for their accurate quoting of scripture, and their bold questioning of my attitude.  

One friend challenged me, 

"Who is the accuser?  Who is telling you that there is no solution right now?  Satan is the accuser.  God is the answer.  God will find a way.  He already has the plan in place.  Right now you are overwhelmed and feeling like you are struggling in the middle of the ocean.  I don't know what is going to happen.  I don't know how he is going to scoop you up out of there.  But, God isn't going to let you drown."

This friends knows.  She knows what it is like to love someone who is so broken that he does not even have the capacity to return love.  She knows what it is like to remain faithful and committed to a relationship, when the rest of the world is advising cutting ties.  She knows what it is like to remain faithful to God's Word, and watch Him miraculously work in her life.

Her testimony completely changed my attitude.  You can't argue with someone who has walked in the trenches before.  

She also reminded me that my situation is not personal.  Sometimes people get so low that they can't even see a way out.  Sometimes they have to reach that point of relying solely on God, because they can't find any other options.  It is painful to watch from the sidelines.  But, it is a beautiful thing when they work through that spiritual struggle.  Learning to fully rely on God is a tough process, but it yields the most amazing joy and peace.  

Another friend gave me an analogy that made perfect sense.  She said that "recovering from a mental illness issue is like playing chutes and ladders."

I think that needs to be listed on the prescription bottles.  What a way to describe the ups and downs, that seem to come from out of the blue.

My friends have rejuvenated me.  They really took my eyes off myself.  I am not alone in the middle of the ocean.  That is a deception that is being used to distract me from the task at hand.

My life is part of a bigger picture.  The playing field is not level right now.

It is a game of chutes and ladders.

This week, we just landed at the end of the big chute.  It is time to stand back up and head towards the next ladder.

Growing Out Bangs

Jersey #1 has decided that she no longer wants bangs.  She wants to grow them out.  Apparently, this is the current style.  Most of her friends, and her older cousin, have long bangs to the side, or are growing them out completley.  I had no idea the trend had changed.

I think bangs look good on her....and usually look good on most little girls.  Bangs certainly looked good on Jersey #1 as a little girl...  

But, she is growing up now, and wants a say in her hairstyle.  I am Ok with that.

But, I am NOT OK with hair in the face.

I cannot stand to look at hair in the eyes.

I can't stand my own hair in my own eyes.  I keep my kids' hair cut away from their eyes.  I can't even get a sheepdog for a pet, because I would not be able to see hair in a dog's eyes either.  

Colored hair, tattoos, or whatever the teen cultural trend moves toward, does not trouble me near as much as hair in the eyes.  I am prepared to go round and round in battle with my children, just to keep their hair out of their eyes.  I can't handle it.

I am too sensitive when it comes to eyes.  My eyes water any time I see someone cry.  It can be in real life or a movie, and I will still tear up.  I can't have contact lenses, because there is no way I am putting my fingers....or a lens....near my eyes.  I can't even watch other people mess with their contacts, without it causing me to cry.  If I am speaking to a person who has longer hair in their face, near or covering their eyes, it takes all of my strength to look at them to make polite conversation....but it is very brief, and I have to turn away before the tears fall.  I hope I never have to witness an eye injury, as I am sure to pass out.  The thought makes me shiver.  

So, I told Jersey #1 that she could grow out her bangs, ONLY IF she kept them out of her eyes.

At first, she laughed at my request, and brushed it off.  She had no idea just how serious I was.

She now knows I mean business. 

We go round and round about those growing bangs in her eyes.  They do not bother her.  She thinks it is funny that they bother me.  Thankfully, she is a compliant enough child that she is not going to make this a battleground issue.  She just laughs and shrugs, and gets a hair clip or a headband each time I say something.

One time, I made her get out of the van, and return to the house to get something to put her bangs back.  That was when she realized just how serious I was about this issue.  We were running late, and I had already locked the house.  She was stunned when I got back out of the van to unlock the house so she could grab a hair clip.  From that point forward, she does not forget to clip back her bangs.

At church this week, I made a comment about her growing out her bangs, and how much it stresses me out to see hair in the eyes.  A friend jumped right up and said she would show us how to manage growing bangs.  Her actions were incredible!  I had no idea such a cool trick existed.

Even looking at this starting picture makes me want to cry...

Take a section of bangs on one side, and twist...

Grab the next section of bangs and twist it in with the first.  This is very similar to the idea of a French braid, only it is twisting the hair instead of braiding it.  Adding a section at a time to the main twist is what keeps it together and looks like a cute style (so much cuter than a unicorn-looking ponytail in the front of the head).

Continue twisting in a section at a time, until you get all the way across the forehead.  Clip the end to the side of the head with a bobby pin.  Insert the pin in one direction, then turn it and slide it up a perpendicular direction, to have it hold real firm.

THIS is a hairstyle I can totally embrace while still allowing my daughter to have the independence of growing out her bangs.  My friend has no idea just how much she has solved a major Mother---preteen Daughter battle, with a win-win solution...

Happy Father's Day

To the man who set the standard in my life, of what it means to be a loving father and grandfather...

And to the man who wants to be a better father to his children than he has ever experienced himself...

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!