Chutes, Ladders, and Oceans

My eyes have been opened a little further.

After going through a few days of feeling sorry for myself, and writing this post about my struggles within our broken marriage, I had a deep conversation with my husband.  He was very honest with me about how bleak things look for him right now, and how very limited he is in his abilities to cope.  He does not ever see being able to return home and restore our family.  He is convinced he needs to live alone, isolated from other people.

That conversation really shattered any previous encouragement I had, and chipped away at my hope that things can ever get better.  I was feeling pretty sorry for myself about my broken marriage and family.  I was pretty angry about the lack of solutions for mental health issues.  Where are the success stories?  Where are the self-help books telling us how to win at marriage, family, and life, when one spouse is suffering with chronic illness?      

I went to bed with the weight of the world on my shoulders.  I was reminded of just how dark things are right now, with no end in sight.  I was burdened by just how challenging things look to be in the future.  I felt stuck with no solution.  I tossed and turned and really had a tough time falling asleep.

Today, I learned that I have some pretty amazing friends.

I have friends who will listen attentively and give me a hug.  It is nice to have an ear and a shoulder like that.  Bless those friends who are willing to walk along side me and feel my pain.

But, I also have friends who are rock solid in reality and faith.  These are the friends who will tell me like it is, with no sugar on top.  These are the friends who make no apologies for their accurate quoting of scripture, and their bold questioning of my attitude.  

One friend challenged me, 

"Who is the accuser?  Who is telling you that there is no solution right now?  Satan is the accuser.  God is the answer.  God will find a way.  He already has the plan in place.  Right now you are overwhelmed and feeling like you are struggling in the middle of the ocean.  I don't know what is going to happen.  I don't know how he is going to scoop you up out of there.  But, God isn't going to let you drown."

This friends knows.  She knows what it is like to love someone who is so broken that he does not even have the capacity to return love.  She knows what it is like to remain faithful and committed to a relationship, when the rest of the world is advising cutting ties.  She knows what it is like to remain faithful to God's Word, and watch Him miraculously work in her life.

Her testimony completely changed my attitude.  You can't argue with someone who has walked in the trenches before.  

She also reminded me that my situation is not personal.  Sometimes people get so low that they can't even see a way out.  Sometimes they have to reach that point of relying solely on God, because they can't find any other options.  It is painful to watch from the sidelines.  But, it is a beautiful thing when they work through that spiritual struggle.  Learning to fully rely on God is a tough process, but it yields the most amazing joy and peace.  

Another friend gave me an analogy that made perfect sense.  She said that "recovering from a mental illness issue is like playing chutes and ladders."

I think that needs to be listed on the prescription bottles.  What a way to describe the ups and downs, that seem to come from out of the blue.

My friends have rejuvenated me.  They really took my eyes off myself.  I am not alone in the middle of the ocean.  That is a deception that is being used to distract me from the task at hand.

My life is part of a bigger picture.  The playing field is not level right now.

It is a game of chutes and ladders.

This week, we just landed at the end of the big chute.  It is time to stand back up and head towards the next ladder.