For once in my life, I am not even sure I can put my thoughts into words. I have been meaning to write a post to update on things, but it has not come easy this time.
It is no secret that life has been tough for me this year. Crisis. Tragedy. Hardship. Trial. Tribulation. Rejection. Loss. Heartbreak.
It has been too much.
And, yet, I am still here. I am still alive. I am still moving forward.
Dare I admit that I am even starting to find joy again!
It is true that grieving is a cyclical process. Thoughts and emotions are up and down and go round and round. Sadness still circles around and tackles me regularly. Each time, the intensity is less than the time before. Anger still circles around and tackles my thoughts. Each time, I am quicker to release the negative thoughts and emotions....to not dwell on them....because I do not want to become bitter. It is easy to sink into a pity party. I usually do something to distract me from that path: turn on upbeat music, go on an outing with the kids to take my mind off things, or read and encouraging book.
In addition to the despair and anger phases, there is also a component of grieving that is referred to as acceptance. The open wounds begin to mend. The pain lessons. You wake up one day and realize that you made it. You survived. You are continuing through the motions of life...and periodically you are starting to enjoy things again. You are resilient!
I am reaching more and more moments of acceptance lately.
I still hurt. My heart still aches for the things I have lost. It is hard to let go of those hopes and dreams.
But, I no longer despair. I am no longer paralyzed by the intense sadness. I am no longer furious at the circumstances I cannot control. I no longer question "why me?"
I accept that God is in control.
I accept that everything happens for a reason, and God will make good come through the bad.
There are ways to learn and grow through every trial. I am not at fault for my baby dying, or my husband walking out. These things did not happen to punish me. Good things happen and bad things happen, regardless of how I live my life. It is how I respond to those things that make the difference.
I have a choice.
I can choose to wallow in my own pity. I can choose to be angry and bitter about how my life is unfair! I can choose to quit. I can sit down and pout. I can refuse to take the risk to love again, because if I open up my heart, it might break again.
OR
I can choose joy!
Happiness is easy when everything is going well and life is good. Sadness is easy when everything is going wrong, and life is difficult.
Joy is not easy. Joy requires conviction. Joy requires taking a risk. Taking a leap of Faith. Putting myself out there.....opening myself up to be attacked by the next hardship.
Joy comes from knowing I am not in control, but I am resilient. I am loved by God. This side of eternity is so short and so insignificant compared to what's to come.
Joy sees that blessings are abundant, even during hardship.
I choose joy!
I choose to let go of my entitlements, my plans, my expectations for my own life. I choose to surrender all that I am to my God, my Lord and Savior. I choose to live in His will.
I wrestled through the sermon series, Not A Fan, so much, that I bought the book. A sentence in the book jumped out and grabbed hold of me....
"Dying to yourself may mean that you selflessly love a spouse who has cheated you out of a marriage you so desperately wanted."
Well, that hit me like a ton of bricks.
I feel cheated of the marriage I want. I feel cheated out of the family I want. I feel cheated out of the lifestyle I want.
And, my focus on those things cheats me out of joy!
Much like getting stuck in one phase of the grieving cycle halts healing, I can get stuck in my entitlements and miss out of the life that God intends for me.
I have finally reached a point where I freely admit that I surrender MY life, and seek to live God's plan instead.
A missionary who visited our church recently, spoke in his message about how we should be prepared for God to change things up in our life, regardless of our plans.
I thought I had gotten to that point, when I let go of the medical school dream and chose to stay home and provide the best care I could to my heart-patient daughter. Recently, I realized that I did not truly surrender that career the way I thought I did. I held onto it. I mourned the loss of medical school. I mourned the loss of the big career. I felt as though I had failed. I envied my friends who went on in that career path without me.
Similar feelings arose when my husband left. I mourned the loss of the relationship. I felt the pain of rejection. I felt like a failure. I grieved the loss of the hopes and dreams and plans that I had for my life.
Worst of all was mourning the end of my childbearing. I would welcome more children, but that is not what I am being asked to do right now. I am being asked to let go of that desire.
As I have worked through the decision to be a completely committed follower of Jesus, and die to myself, I started to see my life circumstances through new eyes.
I see that suffering the loss of children has brought my love to deeper levels. I know what I stand to lose, and I know how deep that pain is. I love my children with a depth of love that can only be filled so full because the previous pain had carved that far into my heart.
Suddenly, the career, the lifestyle, and the marriage plans I had look so superficial. Those things look great on a Christmas card newsletter. The quality and depth of those details of life are so much more important than what sounds good on paper.
As I look around me, I realize that my life really is no where close to what I had planned for myself.
But, it is not bad.
I do not have the big career, but I have the big opportunity to be home to raise and school my children. I get to live their childhood with them, watch them grow, and guide them along the way. I get to enjoy these motherhood years.
My marriage is not intact, but I've got the best ex-husband ever! He is carrying the weight and responsibility of the finances. He appreciates the way I am raising the children and keeping their life stable. Periodically, he takes us to lunch or to a movie, or buys something that is a real treat to me, and lets me know that somewhere deep down in the midst of his own struggles, he still cares.
I don't have the opportunity to plan for the future.....to plan for financial improvements, to plan for more children, or to even plan a vacation! But, my needs are being met, and I am able to live life to the fullest in the moment!
I do not know what tomorrow will bring.
But, today, I choose JOY!
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