I am a bit surprised by just how emotional today has been for me.
Granted, it is the 12 year anniversary of my daughter's death.
But, as the years go by, her birthday does not necessarily impact me as hard as it did in the early years. Year 9 was a tough one. I wrote this post to tell her story and work through those emotions. The past couple years have not been as difficult, so it really caught me off guard to feel such intense, roller coaster emotions this year.
I suspect part of the intensity is due to this year. This has been one tough year for me, full of emotional turmoil and pain. It has only been 4 months since my son, Titus, died, and it has been 5 months since my husband left our home.
I also suspect I am feeling more of the emotions, because I am in tune to my emotions these days. I am in the midst of major grieving in my life, and I am permitting myself to feel the depths of it. My hope is that if I endure the intense feelings, then they will lesson as I heal.
Whatever the reason, today was emotionally exhausting. My thoughts raced. My emotions were up and down and all around. I was easily distracted, and quite unsure of what to make of this day.
I had mentioned that I was going to visit the cemetery this past weekend, but I didn't. I said I would go this morning, but I didn't. I was having a really hard time bringing myself to go. I just do not understand why that would be so hard.
The Referee sent an email inviting us out to dinner to celebrate his birthday. The kids were really excited about that, because they were hoping he would want to do something fun (with them) to celebrate. Birthdays are exciting for our kids. They do not understand why a person would just go to work and treat it like any other day. Clearly, they are children.
During dinner, The Referee mentioned he was planning to go by the cemetery after dinner. That caught my interest right away. He is not one to spend much time on his emotions or on grieving, so I was curious why he was drawn to go visit the grave. I wanted to go but could not bring myself to do it. The solution for me was to go with him. That helped me a lot.
It also helped that we found a stone that was designed in such a way that we both liked. I am planning to go with that design for our babies' gravestone too. It has our last name at the top, with each baby's name below. Now, I just need to figure out which images to put on the stone. I am still not settled on that yet.
As I stood near the grave and looked around, I finally got a clue about the point of a cemetery. It gives us a place to go and spend time thinking about our loved one. It is a place to face the fact that they truly are gone from our life here on Earth. It is a place to take those intense emotions and release them, and once again accept that yes we are heartbroken, but life goes on.
As I drove away from the cemetery tonight, I left those intense emotions behind.
Who knew I would find so much closure with a grave plot?
Visit the grave. Acknowledge the life that has passed.
Admit to the pain, heartache, and grief.
Then, let go...
One day we will be reunited in heaven. What a glorious day that will be!
Whatever the reason, today was emotionally exhausting. My thoughts raced. My emotions were up and down and all around. I was easily distracted, and quite unsure of what to make of this day.
I had mentioned that I was going to visit the cemetery this past weekend, but I didn't. I said I would go this morning, but I didn't. I was having a really hard time bringing myself to go. I just do not understand why that would be so hard.
The Referee sent an email inviting us out to dinner to celebrate his birthday. The kids were really excited about that, because they were hoping he would want to do something fun (with them) to celebrate. Birthdays are exciting for our kids. They do not understand why a person would just go to work and treat it like any other day. Clearly, they are children.
During dinner, The Referee mentioned he was planning to go by the cemetery after dinner. That caught my interest right away. He is not one to spend much time on his emotions or on grieving, so I was curious why he was drawn to go visit the grave. I wanted to go but could not bring myself to do it. The solution for me was to go with him. That helped me a lot.
It also helped that we found a stone that was designed in such a way that we both liked. I am planning to go with that design for our babies' gravestone too. It has our last name at the top, with each baby's name below. Now, I just need to figure out which images to put on the stone. I am still not settled on that yet.
As I stood near the grave and looked around, I finally got a clue about the point of a cemetery. It gives us a place to go and spend time thinking about our loved one. It is a place to face the fact that they truly are gone from our life here on Earth. It is a place to take those intense emotions and release them, and once again accept that yes we are heartbroken, but life goes on.
As I drove away from the cemetery tonight, I left those intense emotions behind.
Who knew I would find so much closure with a grave plot?
Visit the grave. Acknowledge the life that has passed.
Admit to the pain, heartache, and grief.
Then, let go...
One day we will be reunited in heaven. What a glorious day that will be!
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