Now I Understand

I am a bit surprised by just how emotional today has been for me.

Granted, it is the 12 year anniversary of my daughter's death.

But, as the years go by, her birthday does not necessarily impact me as hard as it did in the early years.  Year 9 was a tough one.  I wrote this post to tell her story and work through those emotions.  The past couple years have not been as difficult, so it really caught me off guard to feel such intense, roller coaster emotions this year.

I suspect part of the intensity is due to this year.  This has been one tough year for me, full of emotional turmoil and pain.  It has only been 4 months since my son, Titus, died, and it has been 5 months since my husband left our home. 

I also suspect I am feeling more of the emotions, because I am in tune to my emotions these days.  I am in the midst of major grieving in my life, and I am permitting myself to feel the depths of it.  My hope is that if I endure the intense feelings, then they will lesson as I heal.

Whatever the reason, today was emotionally exhausting.  My thoughts raced.  My emotions were up and down and all around.  I was easily distracted, and quite unsure of what to make of this day.

I had mentioned that I was going to visit the cemetery this past weekend, but I didn't.  I said I would go this morning, but I didn't.  I was having a really hard time bringing myself to go.  I just do not understand why that would be so hard.

The Referee sent an email inviting us out to dinner to celebrate his birthday.  The kids were really excited about that, because they were hoping he would want to do something fun (with them) to celebrate.  Birthdays are exciting for our kids.  They do not understand why a person would just go to work and treat it like any other day.  Clearly, they are children.

During dinner, The Referee mentioned he was planning to go by the cemetery after dinner.  That caught my interest right away.  He is not one to spend much time on his emotions or on grieving, so I was curious why he was drawn to go visit the grave.  I wanted to go but could not bring myself to do it.  The solution for me was to go with him.  That helped me a lot.

It also helped that we found a stone that was designed in such a way that we both liked.  I am planning to go with that design for our babies' gravestone too.  It has our last name at the top, with each baby's name below.  Now, I just need to figure out which images to put on the stone.  I am still not settled on that yet.

As I stood near the grave and looked around, I finally got a clue about the point of a cemetery.  It gives us a place to go and spend time thinking about our loved one.  It is a place to face the fact that they truly are gone from our life here on Earth.  It is a place to take those intense emotions and release them, and once again accept that yes we are heartbroken, but life goes on.

As I drove away from the cemetery tonight, I left those intense emotions behind.

Who knew I would find so much closure with a grave plot?

Visit the grave.  Acknowledge the life that has passed.

Admit to the pain, heartache, and grief.

Then, let go...

One day we will be reunited in heaven.  What a glorious day that will be!

Automatic 5 Blessings

My blogging schedule has been very random for months now. This troubles me, so I aim to fix it. I had originally planned to blog as a way of capturing stories of my family as I progress through this season of motherhood. A blog would be much more up-to-date than the scrapbooking albums that I am so behind on. Lately, everything is behind.

I am trying to revamp my priorities in life these days. I am way too over-extended, way too busy, and quite overwhelmed. It is easy to complain. It is easy to grow negative.

The other night, I was in the midst of a whiny-discussion about my woes with The Referee, when I caught myself saying, "We are not in a crisis here. We chose all of this ourselves."

Oh, that certainly puts things in perspective.

Last year was a really tough year for our family. We had to deal with many stresses that were outside our control. The only thing we could control was our attitude and response. We survived well.

This year, we are very exhausted. It is easy to think we feel the same as last year, but it is not true. This year, the things we are spending our time on, worrying about, working for, are all things we chose. We chose this. We can unchoose it. (I don't think unchoose is a real word).

My bad attitude has been humbled even further, when Jersey #2 announced that she likes to count her blessings. In Sunday School class every Sunday, she announces the number of blessings she has had in the previous week. Her classmates are relieved that she does not name them all. She numbers them. I've noticed that the amount is usually well over 7 thousand. Throughout the week, she constantly points out her blessings. Sometimes she even points out mine....

"You are a very blessed Mommy because you have 5 children."

"That is an automatic 5 blessings every day."

So true.


That should be my blogging mission statement. Start with the 5 automatic blessings I wake up to every day....and share their stories and pictures.

Just the thought of that focus brightens my day already!

Gifts from the Heart

We have been blessed with a tremendous outpouring of support from our friends and family. Jersey #2...and her tender heart...have been on everyone's mind. I am encouraged each and every time someone tells me that she is in their prayers. It is such a comfort to know that our family is not facing this challenge alone.

We have also been blessed with many, many gifts. Our church family took up a love offering in March to help us cover the cost of our travel expenses. In addition to the money they gave us, 2 men donated their airline ticket awards from their business travel, which covered all 3 of our airplane tickets to travel for Jersey #2's surgery. It brings us so much relief to know that our travel expenses are covered, so we can focus all of our attention on Jersey #2.

Following the lead of our church family, we have also had family and friends send us money to help with our expenses. People have been so generous, and we are blessed.

In addition, folks have been giving a variety of thoughtful gifts.

One family sent Jersey #2 a personal DVD player, to help entertain her on the airplane and also while recovering in the hospital bed.....

A family friend gave Jersey #2 a bag full of arts and craft goodies, toys and clothes....

My sister gave Jersey #2 a bag full of Little Mermaid goodies, because Jersey #2 says the Little Mermaid is her favorite princess...

Granny has Jersey #2 covered from head to toe in Rainbow apparel, because Jersey #2 loves rainbows...

A Great-Grandma gave Jersey #2 money to pick out some toys. She chose toy hamsters and a housing set for them...

Nana took Jersey #2 shopping. She picked out a Monopoly game, a couple movies to watch in her new DVD system, and a Skittles purse...

Granny & PawPaw gave Jersey #2 a travel-sized M&Ms pillow and blanket set to take with her for travel and for surgery. They spoiled her with a bunch of new clothes and pajamas. Granny picked out a music box that plays, "What a Wonderful World." Jersey #2 loves music. She already knows the words to the song.

We plan to play this music box for her while she is heavily medicated after surgery, in the ICU. Familiar music can be such a comfort. Granny gave Jersey #2 a crib toy that played music when she had her first heart surgery at 2 months old. She enjoyed it so much that even the nurses turned it on repeatedly for her, if they saw it had turned off. She rested better when the music was playing. I suspect it covered up some of the hospital noises too.

A friend took the time to fold 1001 Origami Cranes and strung them together for Jersey #2. Based on Japanese tradition, these cranes are wishes for health and prosperity...

My sister's church has a ministry where the ladies gather to make quilts. Jersey #2 was the recipient of one of their beautiful quilts, and all the prayers that were offered up by the church members. The quilt has hearts on it...

In addition to the quilt, each sibling was given a little teddy bear that is holding a tiny quilt...

Thank you all for such wonderful gifts. Our hearts are warmed by the compassion we have received.

Sing unto the Lord

Jersey #2 loves to sing. She has always been rhythmic. She danced to music and played with toy instruments well before she attempted to talk. When she was very young, she was mesmerized by the music at church, but would go play in the nursery for the prayer request and sermon time. She would often sing the hymns or praise & worship songs that were sung that day, in the car on the way home. When a drummer first joined the music team, Jersey #2 brought out a couple toys from the nursery, placed them in the aisle next to the pew we were sitting in, and proceeded to pound on them like drums, to the beat. Bible verses in songs were the first Bible verses she learned. In kindergarten, she memorized the Bible verses for AWANA that were set to music much faster than the ones where she had to read and repeat until she learned them. To this day, she can recite all of those verses just from hearing the first note in the song they were set to.

I am not rhythmic, so she did not get those genes from me. I tend to tune the music out and listen to the words. I really dislike music where the lead singer mumbles or screams, because I can't make out the words to the song. Even though I do not share Jersey #2's love of music, I was rather frustrated when our church went through tensions over the music selections and instruments a couple years ago. In the midst of all the discussions about what was proper and biblical, no one seemed to care that some folks first learn about Jesus through the music. Jersey #2 is one of those folks. I don't personally attend church for the music, but I certainly appreciate the way it has the ability to reach my daughter at such a young age.

Thankfully, music has returned to the Sunday morning worship service at our church. Jersey #2 has gained a stronger passion (and volume) for singing in church. She looks forward to the Sunday morning services. She has grown from an interest only in the music, to starting to take notes during the sermon, and following along in her Bible.

Unfortunately, music is no longer part of the evening services, so she lost interest in those. I am hoping that interest to participate will come with time and maturity.

Jersey #2 paired up with a friend who also sings loudly, and they raised the volume of the singing in church. Their voices are sweet. Their volume grabs your attention. They were very excited over the songs that they recognize from home and the radio, because it didn't require as much reading of the words. Usually, I look over at them and smile and think about how cute they are.

Jersey #2's voice brought tears to my eyes in church yesterday. She sang so loud and with such joy. She has learned to follow along with the words projected on the screen, so she is now able to sing along even if she doesn't know the song very well. But, yesterday, she knew one of the praise songs very well. It is one that plays on the Christian radio station I listen to in the car. It is beautiful and catchy. The part that struck me was when she was singing the words....

I will lift my eyes to the Healer
of the hurt I hold inside

Just thinking about her upcoming heart surgery, and our God as the Great Healer....and she was singing praises to God to the top of her lungs. I blinked and blinked to fight the tears, and choked instead of singing. I was overwhelmed by the emotion of it all.

In the van on the ride home, Jersey #2 informed me that she sang so loud because she just had to get it all out of her heart, and she couldn't hold it in anymore! (I cried again). What a precious child.

The song is called "I will lift my eyes" by Bebo Norman. Here are the words....

I WILL LIFT MY EYES
By Bebo Norman

God, my God, I cry out
Your beloved needs You now
God, be near calm my fear and take my doubt
Your kindness is what pulls me up
Your love is all that draws me in

I will lift my eyes to the Maker
of the mountains I can't climb
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer
of the oceans raging wild
I will lift my eyes to the Healer
of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You

God, my God, let mercy sing
her melody over me
and God, right here all I bring
is all of me
Your kindness is what pulls me up
Your love is all that draws me in


I will lift my eyes to the Maker
of the mountains I can't climb
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer
of the oceans raging wild
I will lift my eyes to the Healer
of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You


'Cause You are and You were and You will be forever
the Lover I need to save me
'Cause You fashioned the earth and You hold it together, God
so hold me now

I will lift my eyes to the Maker
of the mountains I can't climb
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer
of the oceans raging wild
I will lift my eyes to the Healer
of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You

God, my God, I cry out
Your beloved needs You now

The Gift of Medicine

A couple from our church presented me with a bag filled with all of these children's health goodies. It was a gift from their family to ours. We are so blessed.

Due to an employer change situation, they ended up with money in a health savings account that needed to be spent by an early deadline or else it would be gone. While they were listing out the things they could spend the money on, such as new glasses and getting wisdom teeth pulled, they also thought about ways they could bless others.

They had Jersey #2's heart condition on their hearts, so they looked for things that might help us care for her after her surgery. Their ideas included a forehead thermometer, and a blood pressure cuff. I am touched by their thoughtfulness and generosity.

One of the greatest benefits to being part of a church family is the comfort of knowing we will not go through life's challenges alone. We are loved. Our church family prays for us, encourages us, and blesses us with helpful gifts.

Such as the gift of children's medicine.

Rest

Last night, I was finally able to rest. It was my first good night's sleep in 5 days.

This past week has been a struggle for me. The stress had consumed me. I was exhausted by dinner time, going to bed early with a headache, tossing and turning, startling awake repeatedly as my mind raced through the details of our life, and waking up with a headache. I was nauseous during most of the daylight hours. My shoulder and neck muscles were tense.

I tried to distract myself by going through the motions of my daily life. I tried to focus on fixing any physical needs I was lacking--making sure to eat regular meals, attempting to go to bed an hour early to gain more sleep, drinking more fluids in case the headaches were from dehydration, taking Tylenol and Motrin to curb the headaches, drinking caffeinated soda to try to curb the headaches, working out to an in-home walking DVD I have (trying to relax my muscles, and get my circulation flowing). The Referee massaged my shoulders and neck. He offered to tend to any children at night, so I could sleep. He even cleaned up the kitchen one night, and bought breakfast burritos the next morning (so we wouldn't dirty the kitchen again for a little while). In spite of all our efforts, the physical outcome of my stress continued to worsen. I was falling apart.

I turned to all my resources. I prayed. I talked to my husband. I prayed. I talked with my friends in Bible Study. I prayed. I made plans with friends. I talked to my husband some more. I prayed. For the first time in my life, I was not finding the words to articulate what was so wrong with me. I had no explanation. I was weary and felt like collapsing on the floor, in a puddle of tears.

Friday evening, I decided to just go to bed the minute The Referee returned home from work. I decided that I was just going to attempt to sleep the evening and the night away, and hope that the act of being in bed would help my body find the rest it desperately needed. I gave up trying to find a way to get my mind to stop racing. I climbed into bed and began to get cozy under the covers. Offering a casual thought as he was getting ready to leave the room, my husband gave me the solution to the problem that I did not realize I was struggling with.

He simply reminded me of the advice I once gave him (6 years ago). He said, "You know, there is really no way we are going to be able to prepare for tragedy. There is nothing we are going to be able to do now that will make it easier to deal with the tragedy if it happens."

So True.

Then he said, "You know, I was thinking that I'd like to spend more time making fun family memories during these next 6 months, instead of wasting the time waiting in fear."

I spent 2 hours laying in bed, letting his words seep around my head, destroying all my racing thoughts. My body was still tense, my heart was still heavy, my stomach was still knotted, but my thoughts were starting to clear.

Fun Family Memories

What a fantastic focus! It would be so much nicer to put all this restless energy into organizing fun things to do together, as a family. Together, making memories. That would be a much nicer way to spend these next 6 months while we wait for the surgery that is going to disrupt our way of life.

I jumped out of bed and met up with my family in the living room. After suggesting family movie night, we all loaded up in the van and ran to the store to pick up a cheese pizza and a couple DVD movies with Christmas themes. We added a bag of M&Ms for dessert. We stayed up late watching movies, munching on pizza & candy, cuddling together under blankets. It was fun!

By the time I returned to bed, I was beyond exhausted, but much happier. Unfortunately, I still did not sleep well. Since my head was much clearer, I was able to grasp what was still troubling me. I decided to get up and face it. I startled my husband by getting up at 4:30 am, but I was on a mission to face our reality. There were two stacks of papers piling up on the kitchen counter. Bills had been pouring in for the past 10 days. I had not even opened some of them. I was certain that I had built up the unknown to be much worse than necessary. I decided to get organized. I cleared off the table, moved the piles, and settled in and sorted. I made a stack of all of the insurance paperwork (knowing it is time to switch to a new insurance company). I made a stack of all the medical bills (knowing this was the payday that we would pay them in full). I made a stack of all of the coupons, flyers, and sales ads (knowing it is time to plan Christmas gifts to make certain we stay on budget). I was even able to throw out a stack of unnecessary paper trash.

By the time the family woke up, I had 3 neat, compact piles. I had a grasp on the medical bills, and they were not as a large as I had envisioned. The knot in my stomach was releasing. The Referee and I made a list of errands we each needed to run that day. We even planned a way to take a family photo for our Christmas cards! Already, my shoulder & neck muscles were starting to relax.

By lunch time, our family had completed a series of errands all around town, and were home together again. We ate lunch, bathed, and dressed in our matching shirts to take a family picture. Our afternoon was spent visiting friends...first to have a friend take our picture, followed by enjoying ourselves at 2 different birthday parties. My tensions were eased by all we accomplished. My energy was enhanced by all of that social interaction! (I'm an extrovert!) My belly was full from those great meals I did not have to prepare. My heart was full of the love of our friends, and the joy of having fun as a family! By the time we loaded back up into the van to return home, I was pleasantly exhausted and looking forward to some real sleep.

I went to bed an hour earlier than usual, and slept very well. My heart was filled with love and joy. My stomach had no trace of knots. My muscles relaxed and found rest. My mind completed the race and found rest. I thanked God for all His blessings in my life, especially for my husband...whose logical suggestion helped me find rest.

Blessings

Count your blessings
Name them one by one.
Count your many blessings,
See what God hath done...
(Hymn words by: Johnson Oatman, Jr.)

Reflecting on our current situation of impending heart surgery for Jersey #2, I see many blessings that surround us

• The Referee's employer's open-enrollment news: The medical insurance option offered will see an 11% increase in premium costs, BUT coverage will remain the same! (This is better news than most companies are currently offering).
  
• We are already familiar with this insurance coverage, so that will help us to plan for expenses and budget accordingly
• This insurance is not local, so referring Jersey #2 to the state where her original surgeon is located, should go smoothly
• The surgeon and the children's hospital where he works are in our insurance network
• We have 6 months to continue saving for the medical and travel expenses required
• Jersey #2 will have time to complete the school year, and all sports and activities she is currently involved in, so she won't feel like she is missing out
  
• Granny & PawPaw have bravely volunteered to care for our other 4 children, so that we can focus our energy and attention on Jersey #2 during her surgery and hospitalization...even if it takes 2 full weeks! (We are sure Nana, Aunt, and Great-Granny will help spoil the kids while they are there).
  
• I have 6 months to potty train Jersey #4, and wean Jersey #5 from the pacifier, to make caring for them much easier on Granny & PawPaw!
• We will finish this school year and be on summer break for surgery and recovery
• The surgeon made all the tough decisions about the surgery type (open-heart), the valve type (donated human valve), with very logical and convincing reasons
  
• Jersey #2 endured the H1N1 flu, which was quite mild compared to her experience with the seasonal flu a couple years ago....so that fear is behind us and she should have natural immunity to carry her through winter.
• 6 out of 7 members of our Home Team endured the flu already. (We have no clue why Jersey #5 was not infected....unless he has some natural defense due to battling RSV & croup [both are upper respiratory viruses, also] this past year. Or maybe because he eats so much dirt.)
  
• We no longer need to worry about the decision of whether or not to utilize the newly created H1N1 flu vaccine....nor worry about its lack of availability, even for high risk individuals
• Jersey #2 is only "mildly high risk," because of her heart condition, and specifically because of her valve condition. Otherwise, she is amazingly healthy for a heart patient. She is currently on no medication. She has no activity restrictions. That status should not worsen before surgery.
• The Referee has 1 week of leave already saved up, and now has 6 months to save more. We do not anticipate any problems with him taking paid leave from his job for a couple weeks, around the time of surgery.
• The surgeon may be able to place a valve that is near-adult sized, which might carry Jersey #2 into adulthood before it would need to be replaced.
• All of her cardiology tests and procedures were reviewed by 2 sets of cardiologists, surgeons, and radiologists, at 2 different medical centers, in 2 different states, and ALL AGREE that it is time for this next step in her care.
• Her surgeon is world-renowned in his specialty, which happens to be her exact heart condition. He and his staff are mindful of the risks of the heart/lung bypass machine, and work hard to minimize time on that machine. He is also known for changing course once he is inside the heart, if he sees that the current plan is not going to work well. He is willing to explain every detail of his work, and takes the time to answer all of our questions directly. He works great with her cardiologist, which makes for very smooth, coordinated care.
• We know many prayer warriors who are covering our family with prayers
  
• We are confident that Jersey #2 is receiving the best medical treatment this world has to offer. There are no guarantees....but we have peace in knowing she is getting the best possible shot at life
  
• We know her life is in God's hands...and that is where real peace comes from...
  

So amid the conflict
Whether great or small,
Do not be discouraged
God is over all. ...