This is NOT a vacation!

The kids and I are on a mission trip.

The running joke on this trip is for the adults to remind each other that This is NOT a Vacation!  It comes from a line in the mission handbook that explains that we are here to work and to serve, and should conduct ourselves accordingly.  We are not on vacation.

So many things go wrong.  Yet so many other things go right.  So, it becomes this huge character building experience.  Patience.  Grace.  Self control.  Kindness.  Love.  All are needed at a time like this.

The goal of a mission trip is to spread the love of Christ to folks who may not have the opportunity to experience it often, if at all.  But, other wonderful things happen in addition to that main goal.  I find that I am affected greatly as well.  

Six years ago, when Jersey #3 was just a baby, The Referee and I took our family on this same mission trip.  It is neat to have the ability to do this with a young family.  So many things went outside of the plan.  One of the vehicles in our caravan broke down part way there, throwing our schedule completely off for the day.  The 2nd day, elections removed our ability to use the building we were scheduled to use.  Then, a truck got stuck in the mud and had to be pulled out.  It was a wild, adventurous time.  

I learned a very valuable lesson, during that trip, about how Christians handle adversity.  Regardless of the level of stress and mess that occurred during that trip, the folks we were with had the most amazing attitudes.  They were not angry, or cussing, or complaining about the circumstances.  They were joking, and brainstorming ways to get through it and keep moving forward.  

So, when things started to go awry during this mission trip, I was reminded to keep a good humor about things, brainstorm new solutions, and to keep moving forward, with the top priority in mind.

15 miles outside our destination, the interstate traffic came to a dead halt.  While we sat around, Jersey #5 needed to use the restroom.  He exited the van with determination, dropped his shorts to his ankles, mooned an entire fleet of semi trucks, and watered the asphalt.  According to my friend in the vehicle behind me, the semi truck driver in the lane beside her, started laughing so hard she thought he would have a heart attack.  Jersey #5 was a sight to see, and he entertained a crowd of stalled travelers.  

  I had assumed that the traffic halt was caused by a terrible accident.  When traffic finally moved forward, we discovered that the road was actually blocked due to a flash flood that caused a mud slide across the interstate.  The area was still pretty muddy and wet as we drove through it, even though the rain had passed.  

We made it to our destination.  The kids were pretty excited because we were staying at a hotel with a swimming pool.

Then, we learned that the hotel was doing some remodeling.  The pool was broken.  The lobby restrooms were out of order.  The washing machine was out of order.  Most of the vending machines were unplugged.  Plus, our mission team was spread out in hotel rooms at all sides and levels of the hotel.

Clearly, this was NOT a vacation.

The mission work itself has been a wonderful experience.  We are enjoying meeting and reaching many, many folks every day.  I have been looking forward to what each day will bring when we arrive at the mission field.

I was not prepared for what came my way today.

We were driving toward our mission destination, when Jersey #4 announced she had to throw up, followed by two seconds, and then a huge puking episode.

She is not one to complain about feeling sick, so I had no clue that she was ill.  I was caught completely off guard.

As my mind raced to figure out what to do next, I realized that God had it all under control already.  My mission trip teammate had decided to drive her vehicle today, just in case she needed to return to town before the group.  I was able to contact her to pull over on the side of the road.  We moved my older kids and all the craft supplies to her van, and she continued on her way to the location.  I took my youngest two kids and returned to the hotel to get Jersey #4 cleaned up.

I had originally planned to return as soon as I had her all cleaned up and on her feet again.  

Instead, I returned to the hotel to discover that the room key had been deactivated.  I had to go to the front lobby to get it re-keyed.  By the time I returned to the room, Jersey #4 ended up emptying the rest of the contents of her belly onto the rock landscaping in front of the room.  We just did not have time to get inside to the bathroom, and the lobby restrooms were out of order.

Clearly, this is NOT a vacation!

I got her all cleaned up in the bathtub, and resting on the bed (where the maid had removed the sheets, but had not made up the beds yet).  Then, I went to work getting my van cleaned out and getting her booster seat cleaned up.  

This is when I was reminded that the hotel washing machine was out of order.

This is NOT a vacation!

I hand-washed her vomit clothes and her car seat cover in the bathtub, and set them outside the room door to dry.

Instead of returning to the mission program to "serve," I hung out in the hotel room, watching my sick princess sleep.

Thankfully, she woke up in the early evening, feeling much better.  She was able to hold down apple juice, and later eat some simple foods.  We re-joined our group for a brief fellowship, and Jersey #4 was able to wander around outdoors and play a little.  She is on the mend.

I have no idea what to expect for tomorrow.

Because, this is NOT a Vacation!

Swimming Videos

Much to my absolute shock, my 3-year old showed me that he can swim backstroke.

We were at the pool for Jersey #1's final swim team practice.  I was having Jersey #2 practice swimming backstroke, because she is preparing to swim in her first meet, a meet where family members can swim too.  Jersey #5 tells me, "I can swim on my back too."  And he was serious.

Not to be outdone, Jersey #4 showed me that she can swim backstroke, and she can swim on her front (doggie paddle).  We started at one end of the pool, and she swam approximately 18 meters on her own. She almost reached the end of the 25 meter lane.  She did this with backstroke and doggie paddle (on separate occasions, of course).  I had no idea she could swim that far.

I am completely amazed by the swimming progress of my children this summer.

I realize there are kids who learn to swim at very young ages.  But, I just never expected that of my own children.  I am seeing how spending a lot of time at the pool really helps develop swimming skills and comfort quickly.

Jersey #1 progressed at an alarming rate in just 2 months of swim team.  Her siblings really progressed too, because they had more opportunity to be in the water during some of her practices.  Jersey #2 and Jersey #3 picked up their swimming skills fast enough that I registered them for their first swim meet.  They will swim backstroke in a meet with Jersey #1's team, where family can swim as well.  It will be neat to see.  And, then, Jersey #4 and Jersey #5 both learned to swim on their own this summer.  I am just in awe.  I suppose this is one of those areas where it is a benefit to have older siblings in a sport, and all that extra time to practice and imitate them.

Jersey #2 has made a point to work on the skills that her big sister struggles with.  It started with the dive-starts.  Jersey #1 often dove into the pool knees first, because she was too nervous to bend her body to go head first into the water.  The night that she actually figured out how to go in hands/head first, Jersey #2 asked if she could try too.  Jersey #2 immediately entered head first,  on her first attempt.  She has not had any trouble going into the water knees first.  She was mighty proud of herself for that.

The next skill that Jersey #1 has been working on is flip turns.  I told her to practice doing front flips underwater, to practice.  Jersey #2 took that to heart, and started working on flips in the water.  She was mighty proud when she figured out how to flip herself, before her big sister learned that skill.

Then, she learned how to flip turn.  It happened to be the same night that Jersey #1 also learned to flip turn in practice, so she didn't get to show up her big sister fully.

I am a forward thinker, so I am already considering the idea of putting all 5 kids on the swim team next summer.  I may try them out in practice in May, and see how they do, and which ones take to it.  But, I have stars in my eyes about the idea that they could all participate in a sport at the same time....and at the same location.  That is a big deal when there are multiple kids in activities in the same family.  We will see what the future brings.

Swimmer

When Jersey #1 was only 7 months old, I enrolled her in a parent/infant swimming class.  It was held in a therapy pool, which was nice and warm.  She loved it.

My Mom teased me, saying that I just could not wait to get my child signed up for activities.  

There was some truth to that.  I love sports and activities.

Jersey #1 is real social like her mother, and she always seems to enjoy the sports and activities too.

Unfortunately, as much as I love to play sports, I am not a natural athlete.  I am the player with "heart" (but not talent).  

After watching Jersey #1 participate in gymnastics, dance, soccer, and various other activities, I joked that she got her athletic prowess from her mother.  She really enjoyed herself, but she was not a natural athlete.  She does not run very fast, she is not very flexible or coordinated, and she is not bursting with energy.

When she first joined this competitive swim team, she was quite a beginner swimmer.  Her dive-start included her entering the water knees first.  She finished each race in last place.  It was a struggle for her to swim continuously during practice.  

I always encourage her to do her best, and to keep working to improve herself and not worry about how fast the other swimmers were swimming.  I remind her that everyone is blessed with strengths, but we are not all blessed with the same strengths.  It is good to be challenged and humbled, and to not always be great at everything we do.  We also talked about how important it was to remain active to be healthy and fit.  She enjoyed swimming and was really improving quickly.

Her competitive nature came alive the day she told me she was going to try to swim fast enough so that she did not finish in last place.  She reached that goal, and finished second-to-last in most of her events.  She was thrilled with that accomplishment.  I was thrilled right along with her.  She put her mind to something, and accomplished it.

A week later, she informed me that she was going to swim the individual medley event.  I was surprised.  I told her that event included swimming the butterfly stroke.  She nodded in agreement.  I asked, "Can you swim the fly?"  She nodded yes, and gave me a sly smile.  I could not contain my surprise,

"When did you learn to swim the fly?  I have taken you to every swim lesson you have ever had, and you  were not taught the butterfly stroke yet."

Jersey #1 just laughed at my surprise and my comment.  She explained that she had been practicing the dolphin kick during swim team practice, and was getting quite good at it.  She then just had to learn how to pull her arms up out of the water, in rhythm with the kick.  It all made sense to her, but it left me speechless.

Sure enough, she swam the butterfly in that meet.

      

And then there was talk about moving her up a lane in practice.  The way the swim team works, the kids practice in a specific lane, with a specific coach, based on swimming ability.  They compete in meets  based on age category.  Jersey #1 was in the 2nd lane for practice, and the coach of the 3rd lane thought it was time to move her up now that she could swim the fly.

And then, she finally figured out how to dive start from the side of the pool...

And then, she won first place in her heat for the 50 Freestyle.  She even swam faster than another swimmer on her team who had much more experience.  It was quite a shock to me, as well as to that other swimmer.  

She moved up to the next lane in practice, even though there were only a few weeks left of the swim season.  Jersey #1 was quite pleased and started working even harder.

The following meet, the head coach caught sight of her swimming, and went running over to the side of the pool near her lane.  I overheard his conversation with her new lane coach.

Head Coach:  "Is that Jersey #1?"

Lane Coach:  (with a chuckle) "Yes."

Head Coach:  "She can swim the fly?"  (He could not contain his excitement at this discovery).

Lane Coach:  "Yes.  And, I just got her in my lane this week and haven't even started working on her fly yet."  They both looked at each other with huge smiles on their faces.  They were seeing stars.  

Their conversation ended right there, as the head coach followed Jersey #1 up and down the pool, as she swam her event.  He cheered her on the entire time, and then praised her highly at the end.

I was taking pictures nearby.  Her Lane Coach approached me and explained that she moved Jersey #1 up a lane for practices because she thought she needed more of a challenge.  I was speechless.  All I could say was that she has really come a long way, in such a short amount of time.

I kept saying that she was really strong-minded.  She has such determination to keep working diligently in practice, and giving her best, to improve her times.  Considering she is a pretty compliant child, and not strong-willed, I have been impressed with the strength of her determination with swim team.  

Another swim team parent pointed out to me that Jersey #1 was also showing great physical strength.  She was training her muscles, and developing the body of a swimmer.  Her strokes looked good, and her body was streamlined in the pool.  I had not really considered that she had such physical ability.  I was thinking she was just putting her mind to doing something, and so she was accomplishing it.

During last weekend's meet, she won 1st place in her heat, for 3 separate events.  She was so proud of herself that she was walking on air!  

She had a moment of disappointment when she realized she was in heat 2, and that the faster swimmers are placed in heat 1 even before the meet begins.  So, she was the fastest swimmer in heat 2, but not the fastest swimmer in those events.  

Then, I reminded her that in 2 months time, she has gone from being the last place swimmer in heat 2, to being the first place swimmer in heat 2!  That is quite an accomplishment for such a short amount of time.  As she ran through that math, she swelled with pride all over again.   

That other swim team parent approached her during that meet and praised her highly for the way she swam an event.  That parent was a former swimmer, and she really had a lot of complements about Jersey #1's form, speed, and ability.  I stood there with my jaw dropped open, and Jersey #1 was quite stunned too.  Those were some serious compliments being bestowed upon my daughter.

That was when I realized that I could no longer joke that my daughter has the athletic prowess of her mother.

Apparently, my daughter actually has some athletic prowess.  

She is a swimmer.

She has passion, determination, and physical ability.

She is an athlete.

She has found her sport.

And, she trains to win.

   

Pull Up

We are doing some upper arm training around here.

Last December, The Referee bought himself a pull-up bar that hangs in the doorway.  He wanted to increase his own strength.  The kids were curious, so he let them check it out too.  That turned into quite the demonstration of skill, because Jersey #3 could already pull himself up multiple times.  

He was enjoying practicing pull-ups each time he visited his Dad's apartment, so The Referee bought a pull-up bar for the our house as well.  It hangs in the boys' bedroom doorway.  

It has been a big hit with all of the kids.  Every time I turn around, someone is hanging from the bar, swinging from the bar, and attempting to pull themselves up.

In gymnastics class, Jersey #2 is doing pull-ups as conditioning for the uneven parallel bars.  So, she is enjoying using the pull-up bar at home to continue to practice some of her strength drills.

Of course, being the monkey that she is, she also scales the walls for fun...

Big sister has become quite the athlete, due to swim team this summer.  So, she is enjoying showing her siblings a thing or two about the strength of her arms and core.

As impressive as it is that the kids can do all these things on the pull-up bar, it is still most fun to watch Jersey #3 pull himself up from a dead hang.  That boy has some serious upper body strength!

Summer Reading

My previous blog posts have been way too serious, due to a pretty serious anniversary week.  I think it is time to lighten things up a bit with some summer fun pictures of the kids.

In the heat of the afternoon, we are enjoying some indoor reading time.

The kids are participating in a summer reading program at the public library, where they get a new prize each week for reading books and keep track of them on a card.

One week, they received stuffed puppies...

We are having fun visiting the library each week.  In addition to receiving a cool prize, the kids get to check out books.  2 books each.  

Jersey #2 and Jersey #3 have been reading every Arthur book the library has on its shelf.  They really like those stories and characters.  They enjoy them so much that they read the ones they checked out right away, and then read the ones their sibling checked out as well.

Recently, we visited a pizza place that is also running a reading program.  Theirs started in the Spring, and is almost over now.  But, we managed to take in the cards showing all the books read, and the kids picked up their prizes.  The prizes were all contained in a nice string backpack.  Their cousins were in town to participate in this reading program too.

The most recent day that I had planned to take the kids to the library, I was running around crazy-like trying to get all the library books gathered, and their reading charts gathered, and get everyone out the door and buckled in the van.  In the parking lot, I double checked that each child had their 2 books to return, and their reading card to show.  All was accounted for, so we started toward the library door.

And, then it dawned on me that I had forgotten MY BOOK!  I left my own library book at my bedside and forgot to bring it with me to return it.

The kids had a good laugh about that.  

There was a sweet lady walking by who overheard our conversation as I realized I forgot my book, and she could not contain her own laughter.  We made her day.

She later approached me in the library to encourage me.  She said that she also brought all of her kids to the library when they were young.  Now, they were all grown.  They all went to college.  They were all successful in their jobs.  And, they were all readers.  She said they developed a love for lifetime learning. She encouraged me to keep doing what I was doing with my own kids.  I thought that was sweet of her to speak such positive things to me like that.  

As she got me thinking about the kids and visits to the library, it dawned on me that the kids were much more excited about reading over this summer, than they had been during the school year.  I think I may be on to something here.  

They think they are getting a summer off from schoolwork.  

Actually, they are spending quite a lot of studious time, reading.

My Hope Is Not In You

During our lunch date to commemorate our 14 years of marriage, my husband and I got into a small discussion about the current state of our marriage.  

Things do not look good.

We are living apart.  He has his own apartment and lives alone.  I remain in our home, and am raising our kids.  He provides 2/3 of his paycheck to support me and the kids.  We communicate well about the kids, and he visits them at least twice a week.  He is suffering from a very serious health issue and has to make major life changes to cope with it.  He no longer blames me for the status of his health, and has apologized for the original blame and hostility.  He praises me and encourages me in how I raise the kids, thanking me for giving them a stable, loving environment, in the midst of our broken family.  

Even though he is so kind with his provision, visits, and appreciation, he does not feel that he is capable of relationships at this time.  He just cannot be a husband to me right now.  He has been very honest about that, and has even said that he is not sure he will ever be able to be a husband again.  He does not envision ever being able to return home again either.  He is trying his very best to be part of the kids' lives, but he feels he fall short as a father as well.  

Sadly, the advice he has been given by coworkers and family has been more destructive than helpful.  The suggestions are very worldly, and focused on personal gain and selfishness.  None of it even comes close to following the Word of God, or doing what is right for the family, or even honoring commitments and vows.  He has been encouraged to get drunk, to have casual sex with a stranger, to get divorced, and to keep more of his paychecks for himself.  It is surprising to me that anyone would think these choices would be helpful to him in any way.  They all seem more destructive, and he has enough problems to contend with already.  Much worse, those choices bring harm to his children.  Anyone who knows him at all knows how his children are more important to him than anything else.  I guess that just goes to show how much his coworkers and family do not really know him at all.  Thankfully, he is not following such awful advice.

During our lunch conversation, he made a point to share with me that his brother believes he is unfairly misleading me.  Since he has no intentions of restoring our marriage and family, his brother has advised him to divorce me and make things final.  My husband assured me that he did not want to mislead me.

I chose to not comment about the fact that his brother does not know me at all, has not spoken to me at all, and is in no position to be assessing whether or not I am being misled.  I am only partially surprised at his insistence that his brother divorce me.  I am sure he believes it will make him look better to be the only brother still married.  That family seems set on encouraging my husband to fail.  It is sad. 

Instead, I communicated to my husband that he was not misleading me.  He has been quite honest with me about his thoughts about his health and our family.  He has been honest about his limits and his desires.  He has not promised me anything better, but instead tells me this is all he has to give right now....and may be all he has to give forever.  I am grateful that he is providing.  I am grateful that he is visiting the kids.  I see that he still cares about me and he really cares about his children.  I see things exactly as they are, and I am learning to be content with that right now.  

And, then, I looked him square in the eye and I told him that I believe the thing that he and his brother are both missing is the fact that

"my hope is not in you."

I am not sitting on edge, waiting for a sign from him that things are getting better or worse.  I am not reading more into my situation than is there.  I am not pressuring him to be something that he cannot be.  

My hope is in God.

I pray that my husband's health will be healed.  I pray that our marriage will be mended.  I pray that our family will be restored.  I know that God is fully capable of all those things.  

I do not know if God will heal, or mend, or restore.  I do not know if it will happen in time, or not at all.  I cannot pretend to understand why we are going through this trial right now.  But, I can see where each of us....my husband...myself....and each of our children....are growing right now.  God is molding us.  We are being prepared for something.  I do not know what the future will bring.  But, I do know that God is in control.  

I also reminded my husband that when people have kids, they don't get a clean break with divorce.  We have children together.  That will always be true.  So, even if he divorces me, he is still stuck with me, as the mother of his children.  Considering how important his children are to him, he is really stuck with me. (Ironically, "our song" is "Happy To Be Stuck With You" by Huey Lewis and the News!)

I do not know if I will get what I want.  But, I do know that God will see me through, and be with me every step of the way.

I did not come to this answer on my own.  I heard this comment spoken to me in the past.  I met a woman who had suffered the death of a child.  She was 23 weeks, 6 days along in her pregnancy, when she went into labor.  The hospital had a policy at the time that they did not try to save babies born before 24 weeks.  My friend tried to argue that by midnight her baby would be 24 weeks along, and that was just a few hours away.  The head doctor argued back that she could be off on her dates.  For some reason, the doctors did not think her baby would survive, and they did not seem interested in trying to save her.  A nurse spoke up and got the doctor to agree to let the nurse monitor the baby's status during the labor, to see if the baby remained alive.  That seemed acceptable, but the team of doctors took turns entering the room through the night to explain all the reasons why they did not think the baby could survive the preterm labor.  As my friend told me her story, she said it was as if the doctors were trying to convince her and her husband that there was no hope.  She then explained that the part the doctors were missing was that their hope did not come from the doctors.  Their hope came from God.  It turned out that their baby girl was born at exactly 24 weeks gestation.  She entered the world crying, and breathing on her own, which was a complete shock to the hospital staff.  She lived for 45 days in the NICU, until a skin infection took her life (a baby's skin is so thin at that age.  It is not as capable of protecting the body the way a full term baby, or older person's skin can perform).  The head doctor was not allowed in the room for the delivery, because my friend feared that due to his lack of desire to treat her baby, he may actually attempt to kill it instead.  Even after all that she had been through, my friend prayed that this doctor would have a change of heart toward the lives of the babies in his future deliveries.  Her story, and her explanation of hope, has stuck with me all these years.  

As I sat at the table, enjoying lunch out with my husband on our 14th anniversary, I listened to him explain how bleak our marriage relationship really is, and how he has been advised to just get a divorce and be done with it, in order to help me see that I am living on false hope.  

Immediately, my mind declared that MY HOPE IS IN CHRIST!

I tried to gently explain that I was not being misled.  I was not even believing things were good.  I do see how things are better, and I am happy to celebrate that.  I am happy to share the status of improvement with my friends and family, especially the ones who I know are praying for us.  Six months ago, my husband was in a state of hostility and blame, directed right at me.  I feel as though I have been walking through a living hell this entire year so far.  So much has improved in those 6 months.  The blame is gone.  The hostility is gone.  He is providing, and caring, and visiting, and communicating in truth.  He is soul-searching and taking responsibility for his own health.  He is being kind toward me.  We can talk and communicate about the kids and about our past and present life.  We can even dine together and enjoy the delicious food.  

But, my hope for our future is not in any of those positive changes.  My hope is not in his ability to mend or find stability in his health.  My hope is not in time healing all wounds.  My husband is not my source of hope.

My God is my source of hope.  

No matter what happens to our marriage, to our family, and to our life as each day passes into the future, I know that God is in control.  

  

       

Blessed With Hotdogs

I did not reach out for help this past week, as I was enduring the worst week of my life.

But, help was plentiful all week long.

God is SO Good!

It started with my Mom giving me money for gas for my travels to her house.  I was really short on funds, and trying to make ends meet until the next payday.  I knew I could ask my parents for gas money, and they would generously give.  My Mom continues to tell me to let her know if I need anything.  I thought about asking.  I really questioned if I was to that point that I should ask for a hand-out or not.

I decided to not ask.  I decided to pray for guidance.  I knew that God would provide for my needs.  What I did not know is if I was the point of "need" yet, or was I just wanting to be comfortable and not worry about my bank account going empty.  I tried to calculate if I had remembered all of my expenses for the upcoming week, or was I forgetting about something.  I filled my van with gas, and took the trip, hoping that I had all of my bases covered until payday.  

I arrived at my Mom's house and found an envelope on the guest bedroom dresser that was labeled as "gas money" for me.  God provided for my needs, through my parents, and I did not even have to ask.  I did remember to say thank you.  I was touched by their generosity.  That money filled my tank again, giving me enough gas to return home and also to visit the Youth Ranch twice during the week.

Next, came cash from my sister.  She had a garage sale, and sold a desk that I had previously given to her.  Even though I no longer owned the desk, she gave me the money for it because she said it was mine.  I took that money, and the change I had in my change bank, and made a deposit, to put my mind at ease in case an expense came up during the week.  

Next came the dryer part.  My dryer was trying to break down.  A friend and his wife came over Monday evening to fix it.  He told me in advance that he had a part for it, but if the part was not necessary, he could return it easily.  I was nervous about the expense of fixing the dryer.  I was prepared to make the tough decision about whether or not to fix it, based on the cost of repair.  I was also willing to ask my friend if I could pay him back on Friday, which was payday.  It turned out that the part was needed, and it fixed up the dryer nicely.  My friend told me that I owed him absolutely nothing for parts or services, and that expense was already covered by someone else.  I have no idea if he paid for it himself, or if he was referring to a third party helping me out.  It was too vague, but I was grateful.  What a relief to not have a big repair expense.  In addition, my friend ran to the store and bought 2 bulbs to replace my security light in the front of my house.  

While I was sitting at the dining table, talking with my friend's wife while he fixed the dryer, I glanced over and noticed $5 sticking out of the bag that my sister had brought me.  I was puzzled because I thought I put the money she gave me for the desk into the bank.  I did not realize there was $5 still left in the bag.  How nice it was to have some cash on hand in my pocket.  How nice it really was when Jersey #1 ripped her swim cap during her meet Tuesday morning, and I had the $5 to buy her a replacement cap!  

The Lord will provide for all of our needs...   

Tuesday morning, I gathered up all the water bottles and random snacks I could find to keep the kids fed during the swim meet.  I had just enough items to keep them content, but nothing near what I normally have in stock.  I tossed the ingredients for Chili into the crockpot before we left that morning, so that I could assure the kids that there was a big meal waiting for them for lunch at home.  I had to say no to the request to join the swim team out for lunch after the meet.  There was no budget for a meal out.  

While we were at the meet, I received an email from my Pastor, asking if I could send out a reminder about the church potluck BBQ for the 4th of July.  It said to bring hot dogs, hamburgers, and side dishes.  My mind raced as I went over the contents of my fridge and pantry.  I had foods for making meals to get us through the week...chilli and enchiladas, for example....but I did not account for picnic or potluck BBQ foods.  What in the world was I going to bring?  (Now, I know that it would have been perfectly acceptable to show up to the church picnic without a dish to share.  Our loving church family would have been just fine with that.)  I tried to calculate my bank account from the top of my head to see if I had enough to buy some hotdogs or something cheap like that to bring.  Ugh!  I was going to have to look at the details at home, because I could not come up with a good solution, from the top of my head, right there at the swim meet.

As I was leaving the meet, I received a phone call from a friend.  Since I was in the midst of loading up the kids and the cooler and such, I did not answer.  My friend left a message that said I needed to let her know when I would be home, because the items she wanted to bring me could not be left out in the heat. I was expecting a bucket from her, but could not remember what else she was bringing me.  Since she is getting ready to move, it could really be anything.  I texted her back that I was heading home, and she could come over in an hour, and I would be there.

My friend showed up at my house with a 4th of July goody basket for me and the kids!  It was the coolest thing.  In addition to the bucket she had told me she was giving me, she had it filled with glow sticks, a cartoon movie, squirt guns, mandarin oranges, lemonade, hot dogs, and buns.  She was so excited to bring it to me, knowing that I was going to be having a tough week.  She wanted to do something nice for me.  Her husband suggested she get me a gift card, but she said I would only spend it on the kids.  Her friend suggested a movie-night themed gift basket, and that idea morphed into the 4th of July themed basket instead.  She could hardly wait for me to get home so she could bring it over.  I was flattered.  I was blessed.  I was touched.

But, what struck me the most was the hot dogs.  I shared with her how I had forgotten about the church picnic and did not include potluck foods in my budget this week.  I told her how I was racking my brain trying to figure out how I could scrounge up enough cash to buy some hot dogs or something to take.  I told her that I knew this was a God-thing, because how else would she know that I needed some hot dogs?  We both were amused when it suddenly dawned on her that she had brought me 2 packages of buns, but 3 packages of hot dogs.  She apologized for the miscalculation.  I started laughing and told her that the funny thing was that I actually had 1 package of hot dog buns in my freezer, but did not have any hot dogs to go with it.  

What a blessing to have plenty of picnic foods to bring to the church picnic.  Plus, all the kids loved the glow sticks and squirt guns.  Since risk of fire was such a danger that night, the glow sticks made great night-time fun on the 4th of July.  


God is SO Good!



Babysitting was another need this past week, and God provided.  Our regular babysitters were out of town for the week, and I did not realize it at first.  After they did not respond to my messages, I caught a clue.  I was not sure how I was going to find someone to babysit, even for lunch, on the 4th of July holiday.  Much to my surprise, a young lady from church was off work that day, and willing to come over and watch my kids.  Plus, she was willing to let me pay her when I saw her at church on Sunday (after payday), instead of that day.  (Actually, she was willing to babysit for free, but I didn't want her to do that.)

I also needed a sitter for Jersey #5 on Friday, because the older kids and I were scheduled to volunteer at a food bank.  Children had to be at least 6 years old, for insurance reasons.  Thankfully, I was able to contact a friend from church who was more than willing to have Jersey #5 over at her house all morning. I thought her daughter was at camp all week, which was why I hesitated to ask her to babysit.  But, it turned out the daughter was home already, and they were happy to have a tiny tot around to bring them some laughter after a tough week at their house.  It is such a relief to have such kind and loving people be willing to watch my kids when the need arises.

We were scheduled to work out at the Youth Ranch twice this past week too.  I thought it would do me some good to keep busy, but really I exhausted myself all week, when I was already emotionally exhausted from grief, in the first place.  So, it turned out to be a foolish idea to keep busy all week.  I did not want to fall short on my offer to work at the Ranch.  Thankfully, God took care of me there too.  I am usually asked to water trees or lead an activity, where I am with the crowd of visitors.  Out of the blue, Cowboy Max asked me to 'supervise' a junior volunteer who would be doing a task in the corral with the horses.  For safety reasons, he wanted an adult to be present while she worked.  Even though she had plenty of experience, someone needed to be available to get help if she needed it.  So, my job at the Ranch was to hang out and look like an adult.  That gave me lots of quiet time to think and no pressure to be real social and outgoing (which was something that I just did not have the energy for anyway).  Yet, I "looked" like I was helping and serving at the Ranch, and I was giving Jersey #1 an opportunity to work in the Junior Volunteer Program.  I still can't believe how well that worked out, when I thought I was going to totally tank on my commitment.  

I was dreading the 4th of July this year.  It was my 14th Anniversary, and I am estranged from my husband.  Plus, it is a holiday that our church tends to celebrate with a big social gathering.  It is not easy to be social when you are grieving a loss.  I had previously considered the idea of asking my husband if he would like to go out for a meal for our anniversary, but I did not have the funds to offer.  So, I had let the idea go.  Much to my surprise, my husband asked me if I wanted to go out to dinner to commemorate our anniversary!  He told me that he had been thinking about it, and it seemed that 14 years of marriage, and our 20 years together really should be recognized.  When I told him that was exactly what I was wanting to do this year, but I did not have any money to pull it off, he assured me that he would cover the cost.  What a treat!  I was able to enjoy a lunch date with my husband, and commemorate the fact that we are still married.  I was thrilled to actually reach another anniversary.  It has been a long year already, and a tough year at that.  So, taking the time to acknowledge where we were and where we are now, was great.  I enjoyed every minute of it.  The restaurant was nice.  The food was great.  The conversation was good.  I even enjoyed a laugh.  Coincidentally, it was the same restaurant that we dined at for our 13th anniversary, right after we had gone for massages, for the first time ever.  We were certainly in a different mindset a year ago, but it was so wonderful to see just how far we have come up from darkness and tragedy.

I thank God for that opportunity to take a breather like that, in the midst of this long journey we appear to be on.  I was at peace with the current state of my marriage and family.


It was even nice to be able to go to the church BBQ, and not feel sad or tearful.  Instead, I enjoyed the company and enjoyed celebrating the holiday with friends.  


As if the blessings were not plentiful enough all week long, my sister emailed me to suggest that she could bring Jersey #4 back from Granny & PawPaw's house, and take Jersey #3 in return.  I was planning to take that trip, but she took it for me because she was already coming to town.  It actually was our youngest sister's idea that she transport the grandkids like that.  It had not dawned on either of us that she could do the transport since she was coming to town anyway.  It all worked out beautifully.  I was able to see my sister, brother-in-law, and nephews, and I did not have to make a road trip to exchange kids with their grandparents.  That gave me more flexibility to go to the grocery store on payday, and have plenty of snacks and drinks on hand for Saturday's swim meet.  


By the end of the week, my perspective and my attitude were completely changed.  It was a major overhaul.  Every single detail of my life was handled, and not by me.  Every item that I thought about and tried to figure out in my own strength, was taken care of fully, even though I did not say a word.


I even found rest when swim practice was canceled due to lightning one night.  I told the kids that we were going to bed early that night, and I would start fresh earlier the next morning.  What a difference to get a good night's rest like that!


My Pastor told me that the friend who fixed my dryer had talked to him, so he already knew the dryer needed to be fixed.  He told me that next time, I should tell him when I have a need like that.  He said the same thing about the gravestone.  At the time I was talking about the gravestone, I told him that it was a personal desire, not a true need, so I didn't bring it up.  With the dryer, I had reached a point of deciding that I was just going to make due with what I had, and not expect to have more than I do.  I was not in the mindset of fixing it.  I was in the mindset of how can I get laundry dry anyway.  I have let go of my expectations for my life.  I have let go of my entitlements.  I am trying to stay focused on God, and living my life to serve Him.

Even though I know that my friends and family will help me with food and finances, so my basic needs will always be met, I do not find it necessary to ask for help right now.  Instead, I am waiting on God.  He supplies all of my needs, in His perfect timing.  He knows all of my needs without me even having to ask.  He knows my thoughts.  He knows my desires.  My prayer is that I will be aware of His guidance and direction for my life, and that I will live in such a way that is honoring to Him.

And weeks like this past week where I was too grieved to function, I simply put one foot in front of the other to keep moving forward, and God took care of everything....even the hot dogs.

God is SO Good!
 


            

The Toughest Week. Ever.

This has been the toughest week of my life.

It started with Sunday, July 1st, the day that my baby boy, Titus, was actually due to be born.

The middle of the week, Wednesday, July 4th, was our wedding anniversary.  14 years.

My baby boy is dead.

My husband moved out.

Needless to say, this was not a week of celebration.

The trouble with the pain of this week of grief is that it occurred later in the grieving cycle, so I did not have the benefit of shock or numbness to cushion the pain.  I went to new depths of darkness.  It was awful.  

This was one of those weeks when I felt as though I was walking through the valley of the shadow of death.....and God was walking right there with me.  Everyday, every time I turned around, I could see the hand of God in my life.  As much pain as I felt at the time, I still thought that was incredible.  I kept moving forward, one blessing at a time.

It did not help matters that I started off the week after a weekend of travel to visit family.  It was Jersey #4's turn to spend a week with my parents, so the kids and I took a quick overnight road trip to drop her off.  It is fun to visit Granny & PawPaw.  I actually got a good night's sleep, since I felt safe in my parent's home.  (I did not realize how poorly I was sleeping at home, being the only adult to protect the household now, until I rested so well at my parent's house).  

I also made a point to take the kids to visit my husband's grandma.  She had previously asked me to stop by and visit.  She wanted to see the kids.  She assured me that no matter what happened in my marriage, those kids were her great-grandchildren, and she welcomed us all as family.  I was glad to hear that.  I actually expected most relatives to react that way.  Unfortunately, I have been quite shocked at the hostility that has come my way, from my husband's family of origin.  His grandma confirmed the rumors and comments that I had heard so far, about what my mother-in-law and brothers-in-law think about me, and what they say about me.  For people who have never taken the time to get to know me, they certainly have a lot of negative to report.  It is sickening.

I spent the trip home pondering the comments and actions of my in-laws, over these last 6 months.  It was difficult to separate what was just them, versus how much my husband agreed with.  By the end of the trip, I was certain my husband felt just the same about me as they did.  I also pondered our deteriorating financial situation, and what options I have left.  I thought about the various advice that has been given to us.  It is incredible to me how the world wants to encourage families to break up, and husbands and wives to just cut their losses when they are unhappy, and pursue other relationships, revenge, legal battles, and alcohol-induced entertainment.  There are so few people who genuinely care about each of us individually, and our family as a whole, and actually want us to heal and mend and restore our family.  What an uphill battleground.

I woke up Sunday morning with the weight of the world on my shoulders.  There was no way I was going to win the battle that was taking place in my life.  I was too emotionally drained to take on the world.  Besides, my arms were empty, and the baby boy who I thought would bring me comfort during this battle, was gone.  I just could not see how I was going to fight another day.  It was Sunday morning, and I was suppose to get up and get myself and the kids ready for church.  I could not do it.  I could not face another face.  I had no social strength left.  The thought of talking to another person made me cry.  There was no way that I was going to be able to get through "hello," not to mention any other comment about how I was actually doing.  I could not even put into words what I was feeling, to explain it anyway.  Sunday morning is for worship.  I could not bring myself to go to church for worship.  I literally told God that I was a failure of a Christian, and could not even find the strength to worship Him.  I tried to get out of it.  I texted a friend to see if she could take my older kids to church, but she was not attending that day.  I did not have the strength to call anyone else.  I could not even speak to another person.  It was just too tough of a day, and I was too weak.

A friend was suppose to come over and try to fix my dryer in the afternoon.  I emailed him and cancelled.  There was no way I could handle a visit right now, even if it was a service to me.  I tried to see if the kids would consider skipping church.  They looked at me like I was crazy.  I have taught them well.  There was no good reason to miss church.  Of course, they wanted to go.  Who wouldn't want to go to church?  I laid out the plan that I would drive them to church, but that I needed a grieving day and could not go with them.  They accepted that.  They accept grieving.  Tears streamed down my face as I drove.  It was so painful to even be out in the world.  I wanted to be safe at home in my bed.  I managed to drop the kids off at church, and made it home with Jersey #5.  I told him he could play the Wii or watch a movie as much as he wanted.  He thought that was great.  I returned to my bed and cried some more.  

I prayed for peace.  I prayed for a solution.  I prayed for an end to my pain.  I prayed that God would help me figure out what to actually pray for, because I was so distraught I could not even figure out what my situation needed.  

I drove back to the church to pick up my kids, crying the whole way.  Geesh!  I never realized how difficult it was to go through the motions of life like that.  Driving took all of my remaining strength and focus.  The kids ran to the van right away, so I was able to return home without having to wave or speak to anyone.  When I got home, I went right to bed.  I was so exhausted from all of that crying and driving.  The kids knew their Dad was coming to pick them up.  I gave them instructions for lunch, and getting dressed for their visit.  

All of the convincing myself that my husband was of like mind to his family was immediately dissipated when he arrived at the door and inquired as to how I was doing.  It was obvious I was having a tough day.  The kids also shared that I was having a grieving day.  He could not mask his surprise when he heard I had not actually gone to church either.  He asked me what he could do for me, and what I needed.  He asked if I wanted to visit the cemetery.  I assured him and the kids that their plans to go swimming with their cousins was a good idea, and would give me a chance to rest and grieve without weighing them down.  I told the kids that I was just having a grieving day, and that I did not want them to worry about me, and I wanted them to go have fun.  They seemed to accept that explanation, and happily loaded up in their Daddy's truck.        

My husband took time to listen to the topics that were troubling me, and then gave me some wise advice.  He showed me a new perspective on how to view the way his family dislikes me.  He actually turned it into a positive thing.  He checked to make sure I had everything I needed for the afternoon.  Then, he surprised me by asking if I wanted to go out to dinner for our anniversary.  He said that 14 years of marriage, and 20 years together, is a long time.  He felt it should be commemorated in some way, similar to visit a cemetery on the anniversary of the death of a loved one.  The analogy made me laugh.  It is morbid, and doesn't usually relate to marriage.  But under the circumstances of this year, it seemed so fitting.  I told him that it was the thought that counted, and I was flattered that he had the thought in the first place.  I offered to find a babysitter.  Then, I reassured him that his taking the kids for the afternoon was a good thing, and I would use the time wisely to rest and get a grip on my emotions.  

It actually did me wonders to have a plan for our anniversary date.  I suspect that day would have been horrific if I did not have some way to commemorate it.  Titus' due date was tough enough on me, without a plan to commemorate it.

All afternoon, I napped.  And napped.  And napped.

I woke up and ate at snack, then napped some more.

I had a lot of exhaustion to release, mental exhaustion, physical exhaustion, and emotional exhaustion.

I finally woke up rested.  I had a new perspective on my pain.  I was going to take things one step at a time, attempting to keep moving forward each day.  I prayed every step of the way.