Happy New Year!

Ring In The New Year

The party's over here!

One way that I decided I would help us cope with the stress of our broken family, is to seek opportunities to have more fun and enjoyment, especially for the holidays.  

We started with ringing in the new year in style.

I picked up some junk food at the store.  The kids opened the Disney Karaoke Wii game they received for Christmas.  We ate.  We sang.  We laughed.  We had a blast.

My previous efforts of having the kids help me with baking paid off.  The older kids wanted to try baking something on their own.  I stayed at the table and supervised their efforts (especially to make sure there were no egg shells in the batter).

Jersey #2 made a batch of brownies...

Jersey #3 made a strawberry cake with chocolate frosting...

Jersey #5 sampled all of the snacks and dips...

Jersey #1 thought she was being sneaky and singing karaoke while the rest of us baked, but I managed to sneak a picture of her in action...

Jersey #4 cracked me up.  After she was done singing a song, I complimented her on her beautiful voice.  She took a bow and said, "Thank you ladies and gentlemen, from the next singer at church."

I had no idea she aspired to sing at church, like her big sister.  Too cute.

I decided to join in the fun and sang to the top of my lungs.  Even though the game gave me 5 stars, my kids told me that my singing attempt proved that I really can't sing very well.  

It is true.

It is safe to say that I will NOT be singing with the praise team at church!

Preparing for the NEW in New Year

The New Year is about to bring a NEW way of life to the Home Team.

Our team is being dismantled.

The Referee has decided to quit. 

He wants out of the marriage, out of the workload of relationships, and out of this house that resembles a 3-ring circus.  He has paid a lawyer and filed for legal separation.  He has placed a deposit on an apartment, and should be moving out within the next 2 weeks.  

In some ways, I am surprised.  In some ways, I am not surprised.

Anyone in their right mind wonders how a man can just walk away like that.  Doesn't he realize the consequences of those actions are huge?

(Yes, yes he does.  He knows first-hand, being the son of a man who walked away like that).

But, anyone who has either overcame serious depression, or has lived with someone with serious depression, knows that quitting is common.  I honestly believe this decision to end our marriage is a result of a depression cycle gone too far.  The timing and explanations are just not rational.  Plus, the previous couple months were some of our healthiest and most stable in a long time.  The response is so out of balance from the level of conflict, that it hardly seems possible to carry it out this way.

90% of marriages where one spouse is clinically depressed, end in divorce.  Those are terrible statistics, but I completely understand why they are true.

The image of depression is of a person who is withdrawn and passive.  The commercials on TV show someone in bed, ignoring the life going on around them.  That is only a part of the depression lifestyle.  It is probably the easiest part to live with.  The part that no one seems to want to talk about or admit to, is the part where the depressed person is selfish, manipulative, quarrelsome, and unreasonable.  They can be charming in public, and the opposite at home.  I believe the words mean and critical are better descriptions of a severely depressed spouse, than withdrawn.  Depressives make sudden references to separation and divorce, at random.  Personally, I think it is a manipulation tactic. 

Needless to say, The Referee has talked about ending our marriage a zillion times....so much so that I have said for years that The Referee has one foot out the door.   For years, I did not take him seriously, because I was thinking rationally.  When he was rational again, he too thought breaking up our family was absurd.  

My conscience is clean.  I can honestly say that I have tried every avenue of help and support.  I have sought every resource imaginable to try to mend the broken in our relationship.  Pastors, counselors, friends, books, doctors, medications, making new memories, loving more, forgiving more, reacting less, etc....to no avail.  

The Referee decided to behave in a hurtful and disrespectful manner to "send a message" that he wanted out of our marriage.  It worked.  This time, I accepted it.  

I still believe it is an irrational response on his part.  In my opinion, if he really wanted out of the marriage, he could take that stand, and say so....when he was calm and collected.  Choosing to "send a message" (his words), and act out of character during a depressive rage (my words), hardly seems like living the truth.  

Since I have tried everything else, I decided to try agreeing with him.  Ok, let's separate.  Clearly, he is not going to stop idolizing that option until he gives it a good try.

I am not willing to be doormat and allow him to continue to treat me poorly.  We are responsible for our choices, no matter what medical diagnosis we obtain.

So, I am following some age-old advice:

"If you love someone, set them free..." 

This New Year's Eve, I am busy preparing for a New life---as a single Mom. 

It is going to be challenging.

It is going to be tough.

Thankfully, I do not have to face it alone.  I have a tremendous support network of family and friends.  Most are praying fervently.  I am encouraged daily.  Yesterday, my sisters sent me a bouquet of flowers on behalf of their families and my parents.  It made my day.   

The New Year is taking me into unfamiliar territory.  I welcome it.  Surely, this next year has to produce some better memories than this current year I am leaving behind.  Whew!  

Bring On 2012!

Happy New Year

Happy New Year!

Am I ready for this?

It is almost time to put up a new calendar and ring in a new year. Friends & family have been sharing some of their reflections on the past year (and the past decade), and sharing their resolutions and goals for the year to come. I am usually right there with them. I love to flip a calendar to a new month. I love a fresh start. So, a new year is usually totally exciting for me.

This time, I am not caught up in the excitement of the new year. This time, I am stabilizing my footing, and bracing myself for the challenges that are getting ready to come my way. I don't have much of a clue as to what to expect. I am not even sure if I am equipped to handle it. It is completely out of my character to be this calm. Normally, I am a very sensitive, emotionally-driven person. I feel joys, I feel pains, I feel stress, I feel happiness, I feel life to the fullest. I don't usually fight the emotions, choosing instead, to ride the waves.

I still have those goals in mind and plans in place to become more physically and financially fit. I still have those areas of my life that I want to improve upon. The difference this time around is that those things are just not the dreams they once were. Those are matters of discipline.

I am facing a great challenge in the new year. My 6-year old daughter requiring open-heart surgery, shifts my focus away from resolutions, and onto readiness. I am no longer in dream mode. I am in discipline mode. This is new territory for me.

I have always said that it was a great blessing to me to have no clue about her heart defect during the pregnancy, or even at delivery. She was diagnosed the day after turning 2 months old, and her first open-heart surgery took place 3 weeks later. It is rather unusual that circumstances would happen so quickly, but it worked for me. I was in a shock-induced fog, and I liked it that way. I went through the motions, but didn't have much time to ponder and think.

This time around, the circumstances are VERY different. This time, I was given at least 6 months advanced notice of surgery. This time, I have a lot of time to ponder and think. This time, I do not have the luxury to hide out in a fog. This time, I have a 6-year old looking to me for guidance, support, comfort, and strength.

This time, I have peace.

I do not know what the outcome will be. I do not have much confidence that the medical prowess of the cardiology field is enough to harness the non-textbook style of my daughter. This time, I rest in the knowledge that I am giving her the best care possible in this world, but the results are up to God.

This New Year, it is not about my plans, it is about His plan.

God is working in my life. I grow through the trials. I bask in His blessings. This year, I know my focus needs to be on watching for where God is working, and joining Him there.

A resolution often dissipates after a month or two. The hand of God will carry me through the entire year, no matter what challenges I face. My job, is to remain in His hand.