Preparing for the NEW in New Year

The New Year is about to bring a NEW way of life to the Home Team.

Our team is being dismantled.

The Referee has decided to quit. 

He wants out of the marriage, out of the workload of relationships, and out of this house that resembles a 3-ring circus.  He has paid a lawyer and filed for legal separation.  He has placed a deposit on an apartment, and should be moving out within the next 2 weeks.  

In some ways, I am surprised.  In some ways, I am not surprised.

Anyone in their right mind wonders how a man can just walk away like that.  Doesn't he realize the consequences of those actions are huge?

(Yes, yes he does.  He knows first-hand, being the son of a man who walked away like that).

But, anyone who has either overcame serious depression, or has lived with someone with serious depression, knows that quitting is common.  I honestly believe this decision to end our marriage is a result of a depression cycle gone too far.  The timing and explanations are just not rational.  Plus, the previous couple months were some of our healthiest and most stable in a long time.  The response is so out of balance from the level of conflict, that it hardly seems possible to carry it out this way.

90% of marriages where one spouse is clinically depressed, end in divorce.  Those are terrible statistics, but I completely understand why they are true.

The image of depression is of a person who is withdrawn and passive.  The commercials on TV show someone in bed, ignoring the life going on around them.  That is only a part of the depression lifestyle.  It is probably the easiest part to live with.  The part that no one seems to want to talk about or admit to, is the part where the depressed person is selfish, manipulative, quarrelsome, and unreasonable.  They can be charming in public, and the opposite at home.  I believe the words mean and critical are better descriptions of a severely depressed spouse, than withdrawn.  Depressives make sudden references to separation and divorce, at random.  Personally, I think it is a manipulation tactic. 

Needless to say, The Referee has talked about ending our marriage a zillion times....so much so that I have said for years that The Referee has one foot out the door.   For years, I did not take him seriously, because I was thinking rationally.  When he was rational again, he too thought breaking up our family was absurd.  

My conscience is clean.  I can honestly say that I have tried every avenue of help and support.  I have sought every resource imaginable to try to mend the broken in our relationship.  Pastors, counselors, friends, books, doctors, medications, making new memories, loving more, forgiving more, reacting less, etc....to no avail.  

The Referee decided to behave in a hurtful and disrespectful manner to "send a message" that he wanted out of our marriage.  It worked.  This time, I accepted it.  

I still believe it is an irrational response on his part.  In my opinion, if he really wanted out of the marriage, he could take that stand, and say so....when he was calm and collected.  Choosing to "send a message" (his words), and act out of character during a depressive rage (my words), hardly seems like living the truth.  

Since I have tried everything else, I decided to try agreeing with him.  Ok, let's separate.  Clearly, he is not going to stop idolizing that option until he gives it a good try.

I am not willing to be doormat and allow him to continue to treat me poorly.  We are responsible for our choices, no matter what medical diagnosis we obtain.

So, I am following some age-old advice:

"If you love someone, set them free..." 

This New Year's Eve, I am busy preparing for a New life---as a single Mom. 

It is going to be challenging.

It is going to be tough.

Thankfully, I do not have to face it alone.  I have a tremendous support network of family and friends.  Most are praying fervently.  I am encouraged daily.  Yesterday, my sisters sent me a bouquet of flowers on behalf of their families and my parents.  It made my day.   

The New Year is taking me into unfamiliar territory.  I welcome it.  Surely, this next year has to produce some better memories than this current year I am leaving behind.  Whew!  

Bring On 2012!