Random

I never wanted to be a single parent.  Single motherhood is not easy, and it is not ideal.  Yet, here I am.  I try not to spend too much time worrying about all the statistics about the outcomes of children raised in broken homes.  Broken families create broken people.  It is tragic.  The Bible explains the important roles of both mother and father in raising their children.  Psychology research shows the importance of both mothers and fathers in the home, raising their children.  Prison data shows the impact of fatherless homes.  Medical journals, talk shows, schools, radio shows, magazine articles....the list goes on and on.  I know the data is out there.  It haunts me.  So, I try not to think about it very often.  If I allow myself to spend time worrying, I will quickly become overwhelmed.  I am doing all I can to give my children a stable, healthy, home environment, filled with love and joy.  But, I know it is not enough.  It will never be enough.  I will always fall short of the ideal.  My children will be affected.  They will be broken, always feeling like something was missing.  My heart aches at the thought.  So, I try to not allow myself to think about it.  I can't control it anyway.  So, instead I pray.  

I remind myself that I am blessed to be able to have this time with my children, watching them play and grow.  It is a short, swift season.  I take pictures.  Random pictures.  Trying to capture a snapshot of the joy they bring me as they laugh and play and grow...

Jersey #2 looks so cute in braids...

Food on a stick is a favorite dinner theme at church...

We even ate cake on a stick...

Jersey #5 likes dinner at church, because I let him select his own meal...

Jersey #4 demonstrates how to behave for dental cleanings.  Jersey #5 was super curious about the process.  (He did great when it was his turn too).

Dress up fun...

Jersey #3 wanted to learn how to make pancakes on the griddle.  He is becoming quite a chef, but that first pancake experience resulted in a very large mess, along with tasty pancakes...

Jersey #2 has mastered the cartwheel...

Jersey #4 is very close to being able to read a Dr. Suess book on her own.  When the kids are able to read "Green Eggs and Ham" on their own, I say that they have learned to read.  (Versus learning to read).  Jersey #4 was determined to pick a different book, and show me she could read it on her own.  She wore out about a third of the way through, and still required help.  She is getting closer.  It won't be long before she is a more independent reader...

Motherhood is a blessing.

From Princesses to Super Heroes

There is a strange thing happening in our household.

Our "castle" is transitioning from a place to hold the Royal Ball, to a place that is under attack.

We have enjoyed many years of princess dress-up fun. There were times when Jersey #1 was only seen in a Cinderella dress (carrying a wand), even to church and while grocery shopping. Jersey #2 loved to dress up too, but often chose a different Disney princess, or made up her own version and called herself, "Princess Jersey #2."

We still have children in the dress-up fun ages. But, they are not interested in being princesses. They want to be super heroes.

Cinderella has been replaced by Iron Man.

I have a lot to learn about the Justice League and the Marvel Heroes. The boys are still correcting me on each of the characters.

At first, I was sad to see combat replace dancing. Jersey #5 warmed my heart to the idea, when he informed me in his cute little toddler voice....

"Don't worry Mama, I'll shoot the bad guys. You'll be Ok."

Dental Blessings

I took the kids to the dentist this morning. It was time for their every-6-months cleaning.

I am thankful to have found such a wonderful pediatric dentistry to bring my thundering herd. They are sweet, kid-friendly, and provide excellent treatment. They schedule 3 kids at once and 2 kids to follow, so I can take everyone in the same visit. The working environment must be great too, because some of the hygienists, and the office manager, greeted us when we first visited 7 years ago....and are still there each time we visit.

But, I will openly admit that I still feel stress about taking them to the dentist. We have terrible teeth genetics. This is mostly due to my gene pool, for sure. Even though I fully understand that there is a great balance between genetics and environment in any health issue, I still anticipate being accused of poor parenting as the culprit of the numerous cavities.

It is a silly insecurity that is not even founded in truth. My kids teethe on toothbrushes as infants, and brushing is a regular routine in our household. The older children are able to fully explain to the hygienist about their brushing habits, which are always answered with praise. I am confident that I am teaching them good hygiene practices. Yet, I still wait to be accused of failing in this area.

Our pediatric dentist has never suggested that the kids' dental issues are a result of lifestyle or parenting. He actually points out which things are "defects" and which things are genetics. He usually shrugs off most cavities as a result of those "deep grooves." That is the same thing dentists told my parents about my teeth. Apparently, we have groovy teeth.

I sat in the waiting room, watching the kids play, bracing myself for the adventure ahead.

Much to my surprise, this was probably the easiest dental visit I have ever experienced with the children. All 5 of them blessed me with their cooperation. The older 3 were cavity-free! I practically skipped out of the building when we were done, because I was that thrilled.

I was concerned about Jersey #3 because his dental visits have been pretty intense for the past year. He had a stressful experience getting fillings, and followed that up with poor cooperation for his next cleaning. I bought him a battery-operated toothbrush to help mimic the sensations of getting teeth polished at the dentist, in an attempt to help decompress his sensitivities. I had a talk with him yesterday, to try to brace him for the visit and what to expect. I explained that he needed to be still in the chair and not wiggle, and he needed to cooperate instead of yelling. I was amused by his response as he informed me,

"No problem, Mom. I am SO over that now!"

I suggested he could talk to the hygienist and mention when something was bothering him, but that he could not holler. He agreed that he could handle it.

And he did handle it. He talked constantly with the hygienist and asked about every detail of the cleaning. He did not holler. His body language was tense, and it was obvious he had to work extra hard to keep still, but he cooperated. I was so proud of him!

Jersey #1 participated in the cleaning with ease, but still gagged at the attempt at getting bitewing x-rays.

Jersey #4 was nervous, but she was determined to do as well as Jersey #3. She is so stubborn and independent like that. I made her siblings stay back and let her handle herself on her own. She did not want their advice, or them sitting on the chair with her, or anything. She is a big girl too.....even if she did insist on wearing tap shoes with her outfit.

Jersey #5 took it all in stride. He is so mellow. He followed all the instructions, climbed into that big chair, and picked his own toothpaste flavor. He opened his mouth when asked, and was rather still for a 2-year old. He didn't complain or fuss at all.

Jersey #2 was a superstar. She has had 2 heart surgeries, a cardiac MRI, and doctor visits galore....so a dental cleaning was no challenge for her. She laid back in that big chair, completely relaxed, with pig-tails draping to each side. She informed the hygienist about the process, instead of the other way around. Her cleaning was complete in record time. It helps that she is missing a few teeth right now too.

After the cleanings, the Dentist made his rounds from child to child, updating me on their status....

Jersey #1 has a gum defect, which he recommends watching right now, but may require a visit to the periodontist in the future. It appears some of her gum did not attach to the permanent tooth properly as it came in.

Jersey #2 has 4 loose teeth. The tooth fairy will need to stop by the ATM here soon. Her big front tooth is technically "in the range of normal." The dentist said that he would not call it "odd-shaped" (like I called it), and says he is not worried about it at this time.

Jersey #3 has some tartar build-up between his lower front teeth. The dentist went to check it out further, and discovered those teeth are loose. So, instead of treating them, he will let them fall out naturally. That will be a first---natural tooth loss. Jersey #3 has 3 missing teeth from a bike accident. Today I learned that the permanent replacements will take longer to come down. Instead of filling the hole left behind by baby teeth falling out, his permanent teeth will have to break through the healed hole, more like cutting baby teeth. That should be fun.

Jersey #4 has some small cavities in the grooves of her teeth. Not much she could have done about that. She is pretty cooperative, so they expect to be able to fill them with ease.

Jersey #5 has a handful of small cavities, in the grooves of his teeth. I knew this already, as the dentist was waiting to treat until his 2nd molars emerged (so he could fix those too if necessary). I dreaded the suggestion of treating him under general anesthesia due to his young age. I was pleased to hear the dentist say that the cavities were small and should all be fillings (not caps), so he thinks this can be done in-office. Jersey #5 was so cooperative for his cleaning, that the dentist thinks it is worth a try to see if he will cooperate for fillings the same way (with the help of laughing gas). That is great news!

I was full of smiles and relief as the kids picked out their new toothbrushes and goodie bags. That was one dental visit that did not zap my confidence.

Exhausted

I think this picture sums up how we all feel after such an exciting, fun-filled weekend.

A visit from Granny & PawPaw. A birthday party. Easter. We had a lot going on.

Plus, there was getting the house ready for the party beforehand.....and The Referee having deadlines for a big project at work this week, and a big homework assignment for school.

Oh, yeah, and I also went to work in the lab this weekend too.

Yep. We are utterly exhausted. I predict it is going to take a few days to recover.

Ouch!

This kid is a mess of bumps, bruises, and scrapes lately.

He and gravity are just not getting along very well, it seems.


I am not sure if it is because he appears to be going through a very fast growth spurt in height recently. I think that could be throwing off his balance and coordination.

Or, maybe, it is because he keeps trying to keep up with his older siblings and thinks he should be able to do a lot more than he really can.

Or, maybe he could just be a klutz. (If this were the case, he certainly gained that attribute from his Mama).

Whatever the source of the problem, the reality is that I am spending a lot of time cleaning (and kissing)"boo-boos" and applying band-aids. That is just for the big things.

Jersey #5 tends to brush off the little injuries.

I realize there is a whole school of thought that tells parents to not react to a child's injury....that if we don't gasp or make it into a big deal, then they won't register the level of pain and over-react. I have heard the stories of parents who cheer and clap when their child takes a hard tumble, so that the child does not get upset. They are so proud to share the story that their child learns to react with a smile instead of a cry.

I actually find that little psychology experiment to be rather disturbing.

I prefer to teach my children to listen to their bodies, and address problems according to their body's needs. Kids are pretty resilient. They know when an injury requires more than a kiss. They know when it is time to get back on the playground, or sit in Mommy's lap and regroup. I watch their cues in order to know how to tend to their needs.

Some kids are more dramatic than others. So, I also remind them that trips and tumbles are part of being a kid, and learning new skills.

Jersey #5 and I have a nice little "tumble routine" now.

He trips, falls, or otherwise hurts himself.

I ask "Are you Ok?"

He answers....1) "Yes, I Ok." Then, he gets up brushes his hands across his shirt, then runs off to play......or 2) "No. I hurt." Then, he cries and comes to me with open arms for some assistance.

We've got the communication part down.

Now, we just need to figure out the coordination to keep him on his feet a bit more.

Hot Topics: Pacifiers

I was at the dentist the other day....completely on my own, without any children in tow....and happened upon a conversation about pacifiers. The office had a news show on the television, and a segment came up about some celebrity's child who was caught in photographs with a pacifier in her mouth. She was 4. This was apparently newsworthy.

I was appalled. A pacifier at age 4 is national news? Wow. There must not be much going on in the world, if this is the sort of thing that people are getting upset about. Sure enough, experts were brought in to discuss this breaking news topic. One expert was a Mom who never let her children go near a pacifier. One expert was a physician, who was going to give us all the appropriate response to pacifiers. One expert was a Mom who did not think pacifiers were much of a problem. Judging from the way the newscasters were acting about the subject, I knew that last Mom was going to get eaten alive on this program.

Thankfully, I missed the rest of the segment, as the dentist approached and was getting ready to work on my teeth. His hygienist could not resist sharing her thoughts on the subject while they got things ready. Her comments made me wonder if she even had any children.....or if she had even been around any children. I know that I knew a whole lot more about parenting before I ever had any children. The more kids I have, the less I know about what is best.

The hygienist began to explain to me that children should not use pacifiers after their teeth come in, because it could move their teeth out of alignment. I stared in awe, wondering if she knew what age teeth arrived in a baby's mouth. That would really limit pacifier use, if the arrival of teeth were the limit. I tried not to laugh as I thought about the number of times I have seen a toddler hold their pacifier to the side of their mouth, using their teeth. Kids can get really creative with the combination of teeth and pacifiers.

I didn't say anything. I just listened. I am really not passionate about pacifiers. Some parents like them, some don't. Some kids like them....some kids REALLY like them....and some kids don't. I really can't see where the world is going to come to an end if a child does or does not take a pacifier, for whatever length of time. There are so many choices that parents have to make for what is best for their children. Adding more rules, fears, and stigmas is not helping grow great parents.

When the hygienist was finished giving me her report on the damage that pacifiers do to teeth, she turned to the dentist for affirmation that she was correct. I really had to work hard to not bust out laughing at his response. This man has been around the block a few times. He has seen it all. He simply said that he has not recalled ever putting a person in braces because they took a pacifier. He knew of some thumb-suckers who moved their teeth. Some. He said that some people have teeth that move easily and some people just have crooked teeth.

Then, he added that if a child was already showing signs of crooked teeth....and already going to need braces....then you may as well let them have the pacifier and enjoy themselves, because that need for braces is in their future regardless.

Number 4 Turns 4

We enjoyed a VERY full weekend of birthday celebration. Jersey #4 is FOUR!

It just doesn't seem possible that she could be 4 already, but I know it is true. As I reflect back on her birth, and raising her to this point, I realize that I am more surprised that I made it through these past 4 years of being her Mom.

She is a handful......all by herself. When God takes that much beauty and that much brains, and wraps it into one package, adding in a level of determination that is undefined...the result is one frazzled, worn-out, humble mommy who is constantly entertained by the depth of my experience raising this child.

I have never met another child like her.

There are parts of her that resemble others in our family, so we are pretty certain she is ours. She looks like a duplicate copy of Jersey #1. She has a strong will, like Jersey #2. She also pays attention to detail, knows what she wants, and knows how to behave.

As soon as we think we have a grasp on her, she throws us for a loop. As an infant and toddler, she did not like anyone. She was not friendly or social in any way. At 4 years old, she loves being the center of attention. It was not a gradual process--it was as quick as the flip of a light switch. That is how she operates. She goes in one direction right until we think we have her figured out, then "flip" she switches course. I is always an adventure with her.

Jersey #4 led us on an adventure with her birth. Starting in the womb, she was in a footling breech position. She was standing on one foot like a flamingo, refusing to be born head-first like majority of the other babies of the world. We used modern medicine to our advantage, and she was born feet-first, via c-section. She made sure to disrupt the c-section plans, by starting labor 2 days earlier than scheduled.

From the moment she was born, Jersey #4 has been in charge. It took mere minutes for the doctors and nurses to give in to her wails, regardless of hospital protocols. It took her less than 24 hours home to have every member of our family running the moment she cried. She demanded her attention and care, on her terms, in her time. I have never seen anything like it, and I was suppose to be a "seasoned" parent by then.

Each year, the adventure continues. She caught the flu for her 1st birthday, forcing us to cancel her party.

Going against the norm, once again, age 2 with Jersey #4 was probably the easiest age so far...

By age 3, she was certain that the birth order of our family was incorrect, and she should be the firstborn instead.

She loves to try to do everything her older siblings can do. When she masters a development younger than they do, it causes quite a stir. That fuels her to try even harder....to upset them even more. The way she can dribble a basketball already, makes me wonder what she will be like when she is old enough to play sports.

Her early interest in "schoolwork" makes me wonder where she will go academically.

I can't even begin to predict where this precious child will take us. I do know one thing for certain--buckle up, we are bound for adventure!

No one said parenting is easy. Jersey #4 reminds us of this truth on a daily basis.

Let the adventure continue...

Friendly Competition

This particular little sister is causing quite a stir at our house...

She has grown brave enough to hang from the monkey bars, and even drop to the ground. So far, she can make it across to the 2nd rung.

Considering Jersey #2 was 7 years old before she crossed the monkey bars entirely on her own, she is upset that her little sister is working on it at a younger age.

It is worse for Jersey #3. He is older. He is the big brother. He does not want his little sister accomplishing something that he is too scared to do.

At first, they both wanted me to make Jersey #4 stop.

Instead, I praised her for her bravery and advised her to land on her feet or butt. She beamed with pride.

Jersey #3 and Jersey #2 set out to accomplish more. Their response fueled Jersey #4 to try even harder to get across those monkey bars.

This competition went on for a few days around here. It has been highly entertaining. I have enjoyed how much they are playing outdoors, strengthening their arms like this.



The sibling order has been restored today: Jersey #3 crossed the entire monkey bars on his own this morning, and dropped to the ground at the end.

His little sister is still on rung 2, so that makes him feel much better.


Jersey #2 decided to "raise the bar" by skipping bars as she went across. Now that she has accomplished something even more impressive, she feels on top of the world again.

This sparked Jersey #1 into action. She has been able to cross the monkey bars for a while now. Her height eliminated the fear of dropping a long time ago. She does not usually push herself into more daring physical tasks, so she did not even consider skipping bars as she went across.

She did not want her little sister (Jersey #2) to show her up, so she tried skipping bars too. She can do it already. Whew! The sibling order remains restored.

Since I would not even allow Jersey #5 to swing out on the monkey bars, the kids can rest at ease a while longer that baby brother is not going to show them up....

....at least not this week.

Growing as a Team

Here is the starting line-up for the Home Team...

We had a little fun with uniforms and photos today. I wanted to organize my blog a little bit, and try to find some consistency for writing about the antics of my growing children. I decided to start with new photos. Next I need to organize my time to be able to blog more consistently.

Our children are growing up so fast. It seems that we are moving on to the next phase of parenting. There are no more infants in the house. Jersey #5 is potty training right now. Everyone sleeps through the night and wakes smoothly the next morning. (Actually, The Referee and I are finding we are oversleeping many mornings lately, because our child "alarm clocks" are no longer waking us up at night or in the early morning). Jersey #5 is the only child who still requires assistance to fasten his seatbelt in the van--and even with that he climbs into his own seat and tries to help fasten some of the harness straps.

The older kids are making their own friends and wanting to choose their own activities. The children have their own interests and sense of clothing style. It is quite an adjustment for me to not pick out everone's outfit before we go somewhere, or to plan play dates and activities for myself (or to wear the kids out). The older kids are even wanting to decide how to celebrate their upcoming birthdays. My days no longer revolved around nap time.

When I only had infants and toddlers, or infants, toddlers, and preschoolers, I had full control of how our days went. I set the schedule. I planned the meals and snacks. I determined the playdates and activities. Everything revolved around me. I had everything organized to my liking, and the kids followed my lead.

Suddenly, everything is different. It really isn't suddenly, but it sure feels more abrupt than I expected. Instead of being the team manager, I am really becoming more of a coach. I am encouraging the kids to make wise choices, and helping them see the cause of natural consequences to their actions.

For the most part, I think we are entering the easiest phase of parenting right now. The work of the early years is ending, but the worry of the adolescent years has not yet begun...

I am able to see some of the fruits of my efforts. The behavior of my children reflects the effort I put into those training years. Then again, their poor choices shine a spotlight on areas where I need to capture their hearts more. I am guessing this is more of a character building season.

The Home Team is in a re-building season. LOL! I just cracked myself up with that thought. This sports theme can be so much fun.

There is much truth there too. Our marriage is in a rebuilding season. Our family is in a rebuilding season. Our careers are in a re-building season. Our finances are in a re-building season. Our parenting is in a character-building season. It is interesting how it all ties together.

We are in the midst of the pre-season conditioning exercises.

I am looking forward to the new season. From where I stand right now, 2011 has so much potential...

Baby-Wearing

We are big fans of baby-wearing around here...

Although I appreciate his enthusiasm, I think his style might need some improvement.

And, even though baby-wearing is known to free up a parent's hands, I am pretty sure it is not recommended during battle.....or any other activity where a sword is required.

Duh!

We have had some pretty complicated conversations with Jersey #4 lately...


As we are walking across a store parking lot, holding hands...

Me: "I noticed you have been really quiet today, Jersey #4. Why is that?"



Jersey #4: "Because I don't have anything to say."


Well, that was a short conversation. We sure have that Mommy-daughter bonding thing down.


Jersey #4 walks through the living room stark naked, carrying her clothes toward the hamper in the kitchen. She was suppose to be getting dressed in her PJs for bedtime.

The Referee: "Jersey #4, why are you naked?"



Jersey #4: "Because I took my clothes off."

Well, Duh!

Car Seat Limits

Hand-me-downs are usually quite common in families with multiple children.

But, when it comes to child-restraint car seats, Jersey #5 has been giving us new experiences.

When Jersey #5 was born, he came home from the hospital in a brand new infant car seat...

When we took our former infant car seat out of its place of storage, and prepared to install it in the van, we learned that car seats expire. 5 or 6 years is all ours was meant to last.

I knew that we are suppose to replace the children's car seats, if they are ever involved in a vehicle collision. At the time, I did not realize there is an expiration date as well. It was printed clearly on the manufacturer's label. So, I made a trip to the baby-supply store, and purchased a new infant car seat, for my Jersey #5.

Two years later, Jersey #5 is once again enjoying a brand new car seat. We gave it to him as one of his birthday presents...

This time, the expiration date was not the issue. This time, I learned that car seats also have a weight limit.

Oh my!

The car seat that we were using had a weight limit of 40 pounds.

Jersey #5 weighed 37 pounds on his 2nd birthday. He will not be developmentally ready for a booster seat (that uses the vehicle seat belts to restrain the child) for at least another year or so. I am pretty sure it is safe to assume that he may gain those 3 pounds (or more) in the next year, and bust the weight limit of the car seat.

Thankfully, I am not the only parent with this problem, and the car seat manufacturers have a product to meet my needs...

There are car seats for children who need the 5-point harness restraint, that hold up to 65 pounds.

I had no idea such a product existed, but I am certainly glad it does. None of my other children pushed the weight limit of their car seat. For the most part, my children tend to grow on height/weight curves that run above the average. Usually, my biggest challenge is fitting their seat belts to their great height requirements. This is the first time weight has been an issue too.

Jersey #5 has been larger than each of his siblings at any time point (except birth). He is currently taller and heavier than every single 2-year old we meet. He is actually bigger than most 3-year olds we know too (including being heavier than Jersey #4). Thankfully, he maintains healthy growth proportions. He simply represents the 95th percentile of those childhood growth curves, for all categories...height, weight, and head circumference.

As a result, he gets to enjoy brand new car seats to help keep him safe...

10 weeks post-surgery

It has been 10 weeks since Jersey #2 survived open-heart surgery (although this picture was taken at the 9-week point).

She is doing so well. Her incision is healing nicely. She has no pain. Her energy level increases by the day....and is already a million times better than the entire year before surgery.

I am most happy to report right now that she has gained just over 3 pounds since her surgery. She looks good. It is so nice to see her muscles develop a little meat over her bones. Her skin color is good too, no longer pale. She has grown into the next clothing size. It is such a relief to see her doing so well.

We are moving on to the big hurdle of raising a child with medical issues--attitude! To be honest, it is really, really easy to turn a medically fragile child into a spoiled brat. We feel so badly for their unfair suffering. We cater more. We indulge. I personally think there is a time and a place for that. All of the gifts, praise, and attention served to encourage Jersey #2 in the challenge she had to face. Grumpiness was permitted more, because she had to endure pain. We parented with much more grace, encouragement, and sympathy, because that is what the circumstance required.

But, in reality, too much indulgence yields a negative outcome. Permissive parenting brings forth selfishness and disrespect.

So now that her scabs are healed and her pain is gone, we start the journey of reminding Jersey #2 that the world really does not revolve around her, even though that is what the last year certainly felt like.

It is an adjustment to get back to "normal."

Lessons in Discipline

During the process of mulling around the concept of discipline being rooted in discipleship (a previous post), I have been analyzing (probably over-analyzing) some of the lessons I have learned about discipline through the years.

Let me be the first to say that I do not have all the answers. I have a handful of children, but none of them came with an instruction manual. I am a work in progress, learning as I go. Just like everyone else. With more children, comes more experiences.....as well as more mistakes. I know so little about this subject, that I am certain I can fit the entire depth of my knowledge in this one post...

I do take my calling to motherhood seriously. I pay close attention to all of the Bible verses about parenting. That is my instruction manual. I have a clear goal: to bring my children up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

(Ephesians 6:4 And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.)

I see 2 specific parts to this goal:

1) nurture (love, care for)

2) admonition (counsel, correction)

BOTH are required. Discipline without love is abuse. Tending to a child's physical and emotional needs, without teaching them right from wrong, reduces them to the level of a pet. Human beings have individuality and character that need guidance.

I am a simple girl. I do not subscribe to detailed parenting theories. I can check every single one of my parenting decisions against this single, 2-part goal. If either of the two parts is out of balance, it shows very clearly in the results.

If I find myself aggravated or frustrated when disciplining my children, then it is obvious that my nurture response is out of focus. If my children are fed, clothed, hugged, kissed, and rested, but they are hitting, arguing, or breaking the rules, then my counsel/correction responsibility is out of balance. It is not good enough to have one without the other. Both pieces must be in harmony.

Before I had children, I worked at a Children's Psychiatric Hospital. I was trained in all of the popular "psychology-friendly" behavior management methods. I was actually responsible for demonstrating these methods, in order to train the biological parents. Considering that I knew a whole lot more about raising children before I ever had any, I was very good at this job. I set limits. I gave clear instructions. I issued "time-outs" (or loss of privelages) for misbehavior. I processed the situation with the child, following the time-out. I provided consistency. I was a team with the other staff, not allowing the children to split our authority. I mastered the method with time and experience.

And when it was time for me to move on to a career in biomedical research, I showed up to interview with the scientist who ran the lab, sporting a fat, busted-up lip.

A couple days prior, while engaging in a crisis response, I was punched in the face by a 10-year old patient. The problem with those psychology-friendly methods is that they lack a very key ingredient that every child needs: LOVE. Without love, children are unable to thrive. They carry a burden of bitterness, and they soon lose hope that anyone cares. Well, if no one cares, then what is the point in behaving? I've noticed that the parenting books and articles that support time outs (especially compared to spankings) as a primary behavior modification tool, ignore the rest of the psychology-friendly protocol. What if the child does not submit to the time-out? Well, in a psych hospital setting, children are moved to a padded room, with a door that can lock. Nurses are available with sedation medications in various levels. The degree that the child rebels is met with a degree of intervention that would cause loving parents to shudder. Drug them and lock them up....sounds like prison. And sadly, this is what some parents resort to, even at home, when their children are not obeying their authority. Benedryl has a sedative effect. And bedroom doors can be locked.

At the other end of the spectrum, spanking as a primary discipline tool, has become a very heated topic in our society. There appear to be a number of folks who speak out that their loving parents spanked them and taught them right from wrong. There are others who speak out with powerful language that spanking is beating and abusing a child. Considering the goals of nurture and admonition, both viewpoints can be correct.

I have noticed that folks who speak positively about spanking, especially in terms of their own childhood experiences, also mention knowing their parents loved them, and appreciating that their parents taught them right from wrong. Loving correction is a beautiful thing. Children are comforted knowing that their parents care enough about them to want them to achieve a higher standard of behavior.

Folks who speak negatively about spanking do not speak of a connection in loving discipline. They equate spanking with domestic violence and angry parents. Folks who are not as extreme in their language will mention spanking as a last resort, if they are really frustrated with their child's behavior. They praise other parenting methods when they are calm, and spanking when they are angry. That makes no sense to me. If nurture is not there, then abuse abounds. In my opinion, the spanking is not the problem....it is merely a discipline tool, just as a time-out is a discipline tool....the tool is not responsible for the way it is misused. Parents should be calm and controlled when they are administering discipline. The goal is not retaliation. The goal is to correct our children's ill behavior, and guide them toward healthy behavior, because we love them and want what is best for them.

I support spanking as a method of loving correction. I have had the benefit of mentors who demonstrated its proper use. Pain is a fast motivator. It doesn't take us long to learn about a hot stove or the strength of gravity. But, just as a time-out can escalate to neglect in a locked in a room, a spanking can escalate into physical abuse. It is important to establish boundaries and rules prior to administering discipline, so that we parents keep our emotions in check.

It comes down to the specifics....a specific instrument for administering the spanking, (a hand, a wooden spoon) a specific location (on the butt cheeks, and in the kitchen), and a specific goal to achieve (acknowledgment of wrongdoing, and submission to chastening). A parent should set up the parameters and stick to them. If the kitchen is the place where spankings are administered, then a parent will not be swatting the child on impulse in the hallway. If swats are only to be given on the butt cheeks, then a parent will not be slapping in the face or in the back of the head. Some folks use a chart to list the number of swats for different offenses. Others use a single swat per offense. Spankings appear to be most effective in the late toddler, preschooler, and kindergarten ages. The big secret that does not appear to come out in the heated debate, is that spanking as a form of loving correction eliminates itself. The need for spankings drops off quickly, as it is so effective in teaching a child the boundaries of obedience, parental authority, and right from wrong, that it renders itself rather rare and unnecessary by the early elementary school ages.

Time-outs and spankings are not the only tools of discipline, of course, but they appear to be among the most popular. They also seem to generally represent the different sides of the discipline method debate. There is more to the method than the tool though. The tool is only effective if the child submits to the chastening. A child needs to learn what is right and what is wrong. Punishment for wrong behavior must be accepted as the consequence for that choice. Regardless of what tool of discipline is used, if the child rebels against the consequence, the lesson is not learned. The foolish behavior must be driven from the heart of the child. A child who throws a tantrum, yells, and screams when they are told to go to their room, sit down for a time-out, or stand for a spanking, is rebelling against the consequence of their misbehavior. If a parent permits that behavior, then the actual punishment is of no use. If a parent has to wrestle their child into cooperating for a punishment, the child has not submitted to the parent's authority. Instead of learning right from wrong, the child is learning to dodge consequences, and rile their parent to distraction...until the original misbehavior goes ignored, due to the chaos of the parent-child struggle. Sometimes it seems easier to throw our hands up, announce that the discipline method does not work, and give up......and continue to raise an ill-behaved child. Unfortunately, children do not grow out of misbehavior. They carry those core values throughout their lifetime.

It is similar with adults. If I get a speeding ticket, is my response to accept that I was breaking the law, and received a proper consequence? Or is my response to complain about the stupid laws, insult the intentions of the police force, and try to deny any responsibility in the situation? My response is an outward expression of my values....what I hold to be true in my core, in my heart.

I've taken all the lessons in discipline that I have learned so far, and put together the pieces that help me achieve my parenting goals: Nurture my children, love them, and care for their needs. Establish clear limits, and consistent consequences for crossing those limits. Act swiftly to eliminate poor behaviors. Remain calm--if I am frustrated, then that is a sign that I have already let my child go too long in misbehavior, and should have addressed the problem sooner. Admonition involves both discipline and teaching....so I need to take the time to talk with my children about the expectation, their choice, and how choosing the poor behavior chose the consequence of that behavior. Require my children to acknowledge their wrongdoing, submit to the punishment, and apologize to the offended person (if applicable). My goal is that they will internalize my teachings to the point where they begin to acknowledge, submit, and repent on their own over time.

The most important discipline detail comes at the very end....ENCOURAGE! I do not leave admonition on a negative note. I am seeking to raise my children in the admonition of the Lord. Well, God is Love! When we repent, He forgives our sins. So, as a parent, I must forgive the misbehavior of my children. I answer every apology from my children with a smile and the words, "I forgive you." I end every discipline event with the encouragement that I know they will make a better choice next time.

I open my arms, ready to hug my child and remind them that I love them always. There is no misbehavior that will ever take that away.

Parenting Styles

There are a ton of parenting styles that are labeled, categorized, and published in books. I do not fit a single one very well. Actually, I find it a bit absurd for any parent to line themselves up with a single author or method, as there is no way they are raising the same family to have the exact same needs to require the same methods. There are certainly general parenting goals that we all want to achieve.....but the way we get there depends a lot on the personalities of the children and their parents, and the priorities of the family as a unit.

The Referee and I have goals for our family that do not necessarily match those of our friends. There are some areas of life that we prioritize over others. We have had different experiences that shape who we are and what we value. Even looking at just our family, we have different methods of guiding each of our children. We did not receive cookie-cutter children. Some of them look alike, but they do not act alike. Each of our children has a unique personality, strengths and weaknesses, and a style all their own. We take their individual differences into account as we attempt to manage their behavior and shape their character.

Jersey #1 is a sensitive, compliant child. She aims to please. She makes parenting seem fairly simple. So if everyone would just parent their children the same way I parent Jersey #1, they would all have children who behave as well as Jersey #1, right?

Nope. I don't even have other children who behave as well as Jersey #1! So, it isn't just the parenting style that counts. Other factors enter the mix.

Jersey #2 is a very strong-willed child. I'm not just talking stubborn....I'm talking strong-willed. She is also very extroverted. She marches to the beat of her own drum, and she is the drummer! She brings the party every where she goes. I would be a fool to parent her the same way I parent Jersey #1, because she would dismiss me in a heartbeat. With Jersey #2, I have to establish with her that my will is much stronger than hers. I am in charge here. I do not want to squash her will....I want it to remain strong. She needs the strength of her will in order to overcome all of her cardiology health obstacles. She has to endure much more than the average child. I want to bend her will into cheerful submission. It may not be fair, but she has to face those medical challenges, like it or not. So, it is in her best interest if I teach her when to comply and when to stand her ground.

I have never had to train Jersey #3 to stay by my side and not run off. That is a non-issue for him. He was a clingy, insecure, introverted child from the beginning. So, I work with him to gain independence at his pace. He needs to learn how to step out of his comfort zone to achieve certain goals. At other times, it is fine to drop certain activities and hang out at home instead. There is no parenting method that will transform Jersey #3 into the likeness of Jersey #2. They are too different. Those differences are a good thing. On the same note, if a parent needs a leash to keep their active child within reach, it would be futile to look at my parenting style with Jersey #3 to learn how to teach a child to stay at your side. I can't take credit for the fact that he checks in with me regularly and seldom leaves my sight for any length of time. That is not a result of my parenting. That is his nature.

Jersey #4 is extremely strong willed....much like Jersey #2....only she is also introverted. It did not take Jersey #4 a full day to establish herself as the princess of the house from birth. She was convinced that the rest of us were her royal subjects, here to cater to her every complaint. It took me her first 15 months of life to convince her that if she is a princess, then I am the Queen! There are moments when Jersey #4 appears to be the sweetest, most compliant child on the face of the earth.....and then there are times when she digs in her heels, refuses to cooperate, and dares me to do something about it. Sometimes the battles are big. Sometimes they are small. Sometimes I anticipate a battle, and it is non existent. She keeps me on my toes.

Jersey #5 is quiet, friendly, and bullheaded. He does not run off....he quietly wanders off as his attention is captured. He is easy going.....until he isn't! When he wants his way, he wants his way, and he does not want to compromise. He is more physical than his siblings. He is also larger than they were at each age, in both height and mass. He is used to things moving out of his way as he barrels through. He is a tank. If something stands in his way and does not budge, he foolishly continues his attempt without changing course. He will throw the biggest fit, and does not redirect easily.

I can glean ideas and concepts from parenting books and parenting styles of others. But I have not found a way to line up all of my children to one specific method.

Instead of starting with a parenting style that sounds appealing, and then trying to force it upon my children.....I find it much easier to get to know my children as the unique individuals they are, and then adjust my methods to be effective with their personalities so that I achieve the results I am seeking.

Discipline

Parenting requires a lot of work. First, there is tending to the basic needs of a very helpless newborn. All too soon, the workload grows into managing the child's behavior. There are tons of opinions on the best way to train (or not train) a child. When children are small, certain behaviors can be achieved simply by managing the child's environment. But, as our children grow, I am seeing that capturing their hearts is a much bigger challenge.

I thought parenting would get easier when my babies were sleeping through the night, and my sleep deprivation was over. Then, I thought parenting would get easier after we were past the age of the tantruming toddler. Then, I thought parenting would get easier when my children learned to obey my authority. Life does get easier when we accomplish each of those milestones. But, little did I know, my response in those earlier stages of parenting was setting me up for the giant task ahead: character training.

I have my own style for the earlier parenting tasks worked out, but character training scares me. It is so important.

It won't matter if a child learned to sleep through the night from sleep training versus co-sleeping (and all the methods in-between), if they end up sleeping their nights away in a prison cell. It won't matter if a toddler's tantrum is ignored by the parent, or halted by the parent (and all the methods in-between), if the child never learns self control. It won't matter if a child is redirected, spanked, given a time-out, praised or punished (or any of the other child raising techniques), if they never learn right from wrong. It won't matter how much love I give my children, if I fail to teach them about faith in God and their need for salvation.

I prefer to spoil my babies and train my toddlers. That is my personal style. I spoil, love, and nurture my babies to build their trust that I love them unconditionally, and I will care for every one of their physical and emotional needs. I do not worry about their schedule, what age they sleep through the night, or how long they play independently. I do not question if their cries are real or manipulative. I simply focus on making it absolutely certain to them that I, their mother, love them and will see to every one of their basic needs.

I realize that it would be mean of me to continue to parent that way beyond the first year of life. As my babies grow into mobile toddlers, they have the entire world before them. We have a sinful nature, and we naturally seek selfish gain. I find the toddler stage to be where I can clearly see their rebellion communicated. This is the age where I find it easiest to begin teaching right versus wrong, boundaries and limits, and my authority as the parent. For me personally, I am more confident in standing firm when safety is at stake. It is easy to excuse a toddler's tantrum as being a side-effect of being tired, hungry or ill. It may seem acceptable to excuse it away at the park. But, when it comes to being strapped into a car seat, or taking necessary medication, that is where I have full confidence to halt the tantrum and train my child to comply. Those are the times when I see clearly that no excuse is good enough to let a child ride unbuckled in a vehicle, or refuse to take life-saving heart medication. The child is too young to know what is best for them, and their life is at stake. That is why I am the parent. I am in charge.

The Bible explains that not correcting my children's misbehavior is shameful: The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame (Proverbs 29:15). Children are not going to learn right versus wrong on their own. If a parent does not take the time to teach these things when children are young, the police, judges, and prison system will teach them the limits of society later.

The Bible also encourages me that taking the time and extending the effort to train my children to behave appropriately will pay off: Correct thy son, and he shall give thee rest; yea, he shall give delight unto thy soul (Proverbs 19:17). This is one verse that seems to ring true for me daily. I receive countless comments from other parents about how they can't stand to be around their children for great lengths of time. To be honest, I would not want to be around their children for great lengths of time either. An ill-behaved child is irritating. A well-behaved child, on the other hand, is delightful.

Through the years, I have been following these biblical principles and finding a discipline style that achieves these goals. I find obedience training during the late toddler/preschool years to be quite successful at teaching my children right from wrong, and also establishing myself as the first authority over them. Obedience is immediate, thorough, and cheerful. I try to impart on my children that when I give them an instruction, they are to listen carefully and obey right away, to the best of their ability, with a happy heart. Obey has almost become a bad word in our society. We are told to focus on raising our children's self esteem instead. What I am learning through experience is that children are much more confident and secure when they clearly know where the boundaries are and who is in charge. A child may act like they want to be in charge, but that is really too large of a burden, and it causes them great stress. When the boundaries are weak or absent, their behavior becomes worse. When the boundaries are clear and maintained, the child can enjoy being a child, grow to their full potential, without the burden of adult responsibilities. More imporantly, my children must learn to obey my authority so that they will learn to obey other authorities in their life (police, laws, employers...), and ultimately learn to obey God.

The challenge in parenting is finding the ideal balance as we nurture and train. Too strict versus too lenient. Either extreme is unhealthy.

A couple months ago, I came across an article on the website of Focus on the Family. The author made the comment that the root of discipline is disciple. This simple concept really struck me. What if I move my parenting emphasis away from which method(s) I use to discipline my children, and instead focus on discipleship of my children? Lucky for me, our church recently began a Bible study about discipleship, to help me grow in this concept.

To disciple my children requires that I teach and mentor my children. I must model the behavior I want to teach them....set the example. "Do as I say, not as I do" will not achieve the results I want. I am looking to Pauls' example "Follow me, as I follow Christ" (Corinthians 11:1 Be ye followers of me, even as I also am of Christ.) Discipleship is about the relationship I have with my children. It is easier to follow the advice of someone if we trust that they have our best interests at heart. If my children know that I love them, that I care about them, and that I want what is best for them, then my teachings will have a greater effect on them.

Discipleship is about choice. When my children are grown, or even near-grown, they will choose to follow my wisdom or not. When they are small, we can physically require their cooperation. (If I want them to come with me, and they refuse, I can pick them up and make them come with me). But, there will come a day when I will no longer have physical control over my children. That is why it is so very important to have their hearts....to have their voluntary, cheerful, submission to my authority.

Discipleship is a combination of gifts to my children....they have my love, they have my correction, and they have my mentoring.

Role Play

I overheard Jersey #3 and Jersey #4 role playing "house" together the other day, and I just had to take their picture and capture such cuteness.

Jersey #3 was the "Dad" and he was getting his family all packed up and ready for a road trip...

When we take road trips, we have the kids pack a backpack full of toys, books, and things to entertain themselves. (Those rolling backpacks with the handle are nice because the kids can reach down and pull the bag back up into their laps, after it has fallen on the van floor). Jersey #3 had carefully packed a backpack for each of his stuffed children.


Jersey #4 was the "Mom" and she was taking care of the baby....laying in bed, soothing her baby to sleep.

I thought it was so cute to see the kids imitate with their stuffed animals, the way that we care for them. I also found it very amusing that they had 6 older children, and 1 baby. I did not realize that children from larger families tend to play house with larger families. That cracks me up.

To add to the entertainment, Jersey #1 was playing the role of the teenager in their family. She refused to cooperate for me to capture her picture. She also complained about their destination. She really captured a teenager attitude. Yikes.

When they were ready for their trip, our couch served as their van. Jersey #3 explained that he needed a really big van to drive "all these kids."

I'm pretty sure the "all these kids" line is a direct quote repeatedly spoken by The Referee!

Dear Pampers

Dear Pampers,

I do not like the recent changes you made to your Swaddlers and Cruisers diaper line. I wish you would reconsider this business decision, and bring back the diapers that were sold in those yellow and purple boxes. This was not an improvement for the better. It is worse.

I am not trying to be a critic. Actually, I am your biggest fan. I have been using your diapers for over 8 years now. For many of those years, I have had 2 children in diapers at the same time. As you can see in the picture above, there are times when my youngin's run around in just your diapers (and sometimes a shirt).

I've been through quite a few of your attempts at "improvement." I will say that the first series of Swaddlers diapers are by far, the best improvement you have ever made. They are so soft for my newborns....almost like cloth diapers, only I don't have to launder them. I wish they came in larger sizes, so that I didn't have to move into Cruisers as my babies grow.

Nonetheless, I faithfully buy the Cruisers when my babies reach size 3, because they are the next best thing to Swaddlers. I appreciate the absorbency (meaning I do not have to worry about leaks or the frequency of diaper changes). I appreciate the softness and flexibility. I appreciate the strong tabs that can hold up against my active children. I appreciate that I can buy your diapers in bulk, and that you are generous with coupons on the Sunday newspaper. I like the Sesame Street characters on your diapers. I mostly appreciate the way your diapers hold liquid away from the skin, so that my babies do not suffer with rashes.

I do not appreciate these new change to the "dry max" technology that has turned my formally wonderful diapers into thin, purple-hazed, stiffer pads. I tried to give them a chance. But, I am growing increasingly suspicious that they are not really protecting my baby's skin like the older model did. (I would be better able to prove that last point, if I wasn't also battling the difficulty in finding your wipes that contain aloe, which forced me to have to buy different wipes recently...and the scientist in me knows that I can't draw an exact conclusion with 2 altered variables in the equation). I am noticing the need to change these new diapers more often than before, which is cutting into my laziness. It also costs me more to have to buy more diapers, just so I can change them more frequently. To be honest, I am suspicious that your "dry max" technology is just a fancy name for the same technology you use to make your Baby Dry diaper line...which are actually terrible diapers, by the way. (Nobody likes that level of plastic rubbing their skin, for starters).

I am wondering what caused you to change to a lesser quality diaper? Are you feeling the loss of money from the fact that I only have 1 child in diapers right now? Did you do this to cut costs?

I have tried to do my part to keep your stock prices high. I have been a faithful customer for many years. By my 3rd child, I have even gone so far as to return other brand diapers that were given to me as baby gifts, and exchange them for the Pampers diapers that I like so much. By my 4th child, I started letting folks know what brand I preferred to use. I have not even bothered to try any other brand on my youngest 2 children. I've learned my lesson years ago.

My children are growing up, and growing out of diapers. I am guessing the financial loss to your company has inspired you to make some changes. I would like you to know that those changes are not improvements, by any stretch of the imagination. Those are the kinds of changes that are about inspire me to...

*gasp*

POTTY TRAIN!


You really don't want to do that to me do you?

American Girl

Let me take a moment to say thank you to the creators of American Girl dolls. I did not grow up with them, so I am just now learning all about them. I am rather pleased so far. It is so nice to see my almost-8-year-old daughter playing with dolls, especially dolls dressed in historical apparel, and reading the books that go along with them. Dolls and books. I really like dolls and books for her age.

I will admit that I really struggle as she grows. I winced the first time I had to look at little girls clothing, instead of toddler clothing. Why are the styles so sexy so soon? Ugh.

I really enjoy the days of Elmo, Veggie Tales, Dora, and Princesses. Even though we do not have cable television with the Disney pre-teen dramas, our daughter still caught interest in Hannah Montana and rock stars. While we were walking through a store recently, my daughter pointed to a poster on display near the clothing section and said, "Look, Mom, that's Miley Cyrus." My first response was, "She really needs to put on more clothes."

So, trust me when I say that Jersey #1's recent interest in American Girl brings a sigh of relief! For Christmas, my parents bought her a doll. She chose Felicity, a doll from the colonial era. Felicity has a passion for horses, much like my daughter. There is a series of books with Felicity as the main character. There is a line of clothing where the child and the doll can wear matching outfits. This is another element of excitement for my daughter who places such importants on apparel. Dolls, books, horses, and clothes are a welcomed interest, especially compared to the alternatives available.

So far, I see only two things about American Girl that are negatives in my eyes. First, the dolls and their huge collection of accessories are very expensive. Second, American Girl is not even made in the USA!

Still, American Girl is a refreshing change from poorly dressed rock stars!