Even If The Healing Doesn't Come

I heard a song on the radio recently that rocked my world.

The group is Kutless.

The song is "Even If The Healing Doesn't Come"

Now, I will admit that I am not musically talented.  I don't have rhythm.  I can't hear/carry a tune.  I can't sing.  I do not play a musical instrument.  I can't even clap on beat.  So, I am unqualified to evaluate the music itself.

It was the words that gripped me.

I usually like a song, based on its lyrics.  My favorite songs are the ones that tell a story or have a great point.

I tuned in to this song when I heard the first few lines to the chorus:

Even if the healing doesn't come 

And life falls apart 

And dreams are still undone 

I was immediately convicted.

My family is not healed.  My marriage relationship is not healed.  My life is a mess right now.  My dreams are not accomplished.  It is as if the chorus of that song was written from my own thoughts and insecurities.

But, the next few lines put it all into perspective:

You are God You are good 

Forever faithful One 

Even if the healing 

Even if the healing doesn't come

The lessons from church camp rang through my head.  I remember the evangelist saying, "It may not all work out for your personal benefit."  He was explaining how God's ways are higher than our ways.  God has a plan, for sure, but it does not mean that the lives of Christians are going to be great (while here on Earth).  

I admit that I have been struggling.  I have not written a blog post in a while.  I could easily blame it on being too busy.  I can also blame it on being too overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions that I could not write clearly.  

It has taken me this long to accept that my marriage is over.

Technically, we have been living as if we are divorced all year, without actually making the divorce legal.  My husband has moved out.  He has visitation with the children.  All interaction is business-like, to discuss the children and the finances.  He has no intention of returning home, or restoring our marriage or our family.  He does not wear his wedding ring.  He does not consider us a couple.  He has full support of his mother and brothers, who encourage him to divorce me.  They do not value marriage.

I do value marriage.

Marriage is one of my core values.

I made a point to prepare myself that marriage is forever.  Through thick and thin, failure was not an option.  I insisted that my soon-to-be-husband heard me clearly that if he was going to commit to marrying me, that I was serious that it had to be forever.

Unfortunately, his commitment was not genuine.  He does not value marriage.  He is choosing to continue the legacy of divorce and broken family that his parents established.  

The first time he had a mental breakdown and walked out on his life, I was shattered.  I could not believe that my entire life could be altered by someone else, and I did not even get a vote.  It took me a while to accept that reality.

This time around, I am not shocked that it can happen.  I have been having such a hard time accepting it though.

Months ago, a friend suggested I was having a hard time because marriage was one of my core values.  I did not process her wise words well enough at that time.

Lately, I have been process the details of my life, but I am still struggling.

I sought counsel with my Pastor who put it bluntly when he told me I was feeling shattered to the core.  My marriage has completely failed, regardless of the preparation I did to prevent it, and regardless of my wishes.  I do not get a say here.  It doesn't matter how much I value marriage, my husband is ripping that core right out of my being.  

(It reminds me of the video game Mortal Kombat, where the winning character reaches into the losing opponent and rips their beating heart right out of their chest, and holds it up overhead.  I always thought that graphic was disgusting.  Oh how many times did I watch my husband play that video game, while we were dating, and had no clue it was a picture of what he would later do to our marriage.) 

The confession that came out as I was speaking with my Pastor is that my Faith is shaken right now.  That scares me.

I have been through numerous levels of crisis in my life (and I honestly think losing a child is the worst one possible), and yet my Faith has been intact, and actually able to grow.  But, this divorce crisis has really done a number on me.  I have been questioning everything I believe, everything that I think, and everything that I am.  It has been really hard to go to church.  I have been thinking that if I am such a failure as a Christian...because I have been completely rejected as a wife, even though I valued marriage so much...then maybe I don't belong in church.  Maybe God doesn't like me either.     

Pastor encouraged me that my Faith is shaken right now, but it is not shattered.

Just like the song says, I have to set my faith in the knowledge of who God is.  

So we set our faith in who You are

Even though You reign high above us

You tenderly love us

We know Your heart

And we rest in who You are

As the fog of doubts starts to clear, I see that I have been making marriage an idol.  Marriage is referenced so often in Christian teaching, and is very important.  But, I had made it too important.  Just like every other thing in my life that I valued too much....medical school, babies, finances, a big house...this idol is being ripped away from me.  I am being forced to pick myself up and move forward without it.

I am being forced to decide if I will trust God, even if I lose this desire of my heart.

Once again, I am answering YES.

My Pastor was correct.  My Faith is not broken by a failed marriage.  My husband rejects me, but God still loves me.

I continue to pray for a miracle.

But I know God is Good...

Even if the healing doesn't come.

Even If--Kutless

Songwriters: WOOD, TONY / KRIPPAYNE, SCOTT

Sometimes all we have to hold on to 

Is what we know is true of who You are 

So when the heartache hits like a hurricane 

That could never change who You are 

And we trust in who You are 

Even if the healing doesn't come 

And life falls apart 

And dreams are still undone 

You are God You are good 

Forever faithful One 

Even if the healing 

Even if the healing doesn't come 

Lord we know your ways are not our ways 

So we set our faith in who You are 

Even though You reign high above us 

You tenderly love us 

We know Your heart 

And we rest in who You are 

You're still the Great and Mighty One 

We trust You always 

You're working all things for our good 

We'll sing your praise 

You are God and we will bless You 

As the Good and Faithful One 

You are God and we will bless You 

Even if the healing doesn't come 

Prison Lessons and FUN

We put on our orange, prison attire, and studied stories about Paul, in Ephesians chapter 3, while we were at church camp.  The theme was "I'm a Lifer."  A prisoner of Christ.  This theme came from Youth Frameworks, which seems to have special gift for reaching youth.

I learned so much during the adult lesson time.  The kids were in their own classes, so I was not having to keep track of them.  I could really listen and absorb the teaching that way.  It seemed so personal, of course.  (Most of the sermons and church lessons seem so personal to me these days.)  

Usually, when a person is struggling with why do bad things happen to good people, they are encouraged to look at Job, who was a righteous man who suffered horrible things at no fault of his own. But, that very question came up during our lessons at church camp, and we were studying Acts.  Chapter 16 of Acts, tells the story of Paul and Silas, and their experience of being wrongfully thrown in jail.  The teacher of our class, pointed out that Paul and Silas were doing what they were suppose to be doing.  They were not in the wrong place at the wrong time.  They were exactly where God told them to be, doing exactly what God told them to do.  Yet, they were wrongfully accused, wrongfully beaten, and wrongfully thrown into jail.  

In the end of the story, the jailer...and his household....came to know Jesus as Savior, because Paul of Silas were faithful and obedient to God.  It is a beautiful story.  The camp teacher explained that sometimes things have to happen to get us where we need to be, to do what God wants us to do.  He went on to say,

"It is not about you!"

Considering the circumstances of my life right now, it was shocking to hear those words.

I am so sick of hearing "it takes two to tango" or "there are two sides to every story" or "I will pray that you both have a change of heart."  There is usually this assumption that I have had a role that helped cause our broken family circumstances.  I have searched my life over, and I just cannot see a way that I could have done anything to change this outcome.  I am not suggesting I am perfect.  I just did not provoke the circumstance.  It is frustrating to be blamed for something that I cannot control.  I was really becoming discouraged...

Until that lesson at church camp.  Paul and Silas were joyful in their suffering, and continued to praise God.  They were not wallowing in self pity, or questioning where did they go wrong.  They were not questioning their faith because so many horrible things were wrongly happening to them.  They were praying and singing praises to God, to the extent that the other prisoners heard them. 

I know exactly what I do when bad things wrongfully happen to me.  I complain.  I feel woe.  I breakdown and cry about the unfairness of it all.  I question my worth.  I question my faith.  I question myself about what do I keep doing wrong to deserve this?  

I would do well to remember:  "It's not about you!"

It is not about me.

The teacher went on to explain, "It is not all going to work out for your personal benefit."

Whoah!  That hit me like a ton of bricks.

I do not know when or where I started to believe that if I was a faithful Christian, that God would bless me on my terms.  Life would work out well.  I would be healthy, wealthy, and have good things come my way.  That has not been my experience at all.  Quite the opposite.  It seems the more I grow in my faith, the more I face trials and crisis.  Looking at it from my own benefit, it is not fair!  But, looking at my experiences with eternity in mind, I am able to see that it is not about me.  It is not personal.

Ironically, those are the exact words my husband told me, repeatedly, when he moved out.

"It is not personal."

It took me 7 months to accept that the current circumstances of my life are not personal.  And, no matter how faithful I am.  No matter how much I pray.  No matter how much I try.  There is no guarantee that things are going to work out for my personal benefit.    

After I absorbed that lesson for a while, I started to question, "What now?"  What does God want from me then?  Where do I go from here?

Of course, the teacher made another comment that resonated with me.  He advised to start with what we know, and let God lead to the next thing.  Start with what I know.  Well, that takes the pressure off...  

That has really helped me get a better perspective in the weeks since church camp.  Of course, our Pastor decided to start a sermon series about growing spiritually.  My how convenient!  (But, that is another post for another day).  

  

There are not too many people who can wear bright orange and look good in it.  But, it sure made it easier to keep track of the kids.

I spent a lot of time keeping track of the kids.  They had a blast going and doing all of the fun activities at church camp.  Jersey #1 and Jersey #3 surprised me by going off the zip line.  That thing is 75 feet in the air!  Yikes!  There is so much fun to be had at church camp:

My Hope Is Not In You

During our lunch date to commemorate our 14 years of marriage, my husband and I got into a small discussion about the current state of our marriage.  

Things do not look good.

We are living apart.  He has his own apartment and lives alone.  I remain in our home, and am raising our kids.  He provides 2/3 of his paycheck to support me and the kids.  We communicate well about the kids, and he visits them at least twice a week.  He is suffering from a very serious health issue and has to make major life changes to cope with it.  He no longer blames me for the status of his health, and has apologized for the original blame and hostility.  He praises me and encourages me in how I raise the kids, thanking me for giving them a stable, loving environment, in the midst of our broken family.  

Even though he is so kind with his provision, visits, and appreciation, he does not feel that he is capable of relationships at this time.  He just cannot be a husband to me right now.  He has been very honest about that, and has even said that he is not sure he will ever be able to be a husband again.  He does not envision ever being able to return home again either.  He is trying his very best to be part of the kids' lives, but he feels he fall short as a father as well.  

Sadly, the advice he has been given by coworkers and family has been more destructive than helpful.  The suggestions are very worldly, and focused on personal gain and selfishness.  None of it even comes close to following the Word of God, or doing what is right for the family, or even honoring commitments and vows.  He has been encouraged to get drunk, to have casual sex with a stranger, to get divorced, and to keep more of his paychecks for himself.  It is surprising to me that anyone would think these choices would be helpful to him in any way.  They all seem more destructive, and he has enough problems to contend with already.  Much worse, those choices bring harm to his children.  Anyone who knows him at all knows how his children are more important to him than anything else.  I guess that just goes to show how much his coworkers and family do not really know him at all.  Thankfully, he is not following such awful advice.

During our lunch conversation, he made a point to share with me that his brother believes he is unfairly misleading me.  Since he has no intentions of restoring our marriage and family, his brother has advised him to divorce me and make things final.  My husband assured me that he did not want to mislead me.

I chose to not comment about the fact that his brother does not know me at all, has not spoken to me at all, and is in no position to be assessing whether or not I am being misled.  I am only partially surprised at his insistence that his brother divorce me.  I am sure he believes it will make him look better to be the only brother still married.  That family seems set on encouraging my husband to fail.  It is sad. 

Instead, I communicated to my husband that he was not misleading me.  He has been quite honest with me about his thoughts about his health and our family.  He has been honest about his limits and his desires.  He has not promised me anything better, but instead tells me this is all he has to give right now....and may be all he has to give forever.  I am grateful that he is providing.  I am grateful that he is visiting the kids.  I see that he still cares about me and he really cares about his children.  I see things exactly as they are, and I am learning to be content with that right now.  

And, then, I looked him square in the eye and I told him that I believe the thing that he and his brother are both missing is the fact that

"my hope is not in you."

I am not sitting on edge, waiting for a sign from him that things are getting better or worse.  I am not reading more into my situation than is there.  I am not pressuring him to be something that he cannot be.  

My hope is in God.

I pray that my husband's health will be healed.  I pray that our marriage will be mended.  I pray that our family will be restored.  I know that God is fully capable of all those things.  

I do not know if God will heal, or mend, or restore.  I do not know if it will happen in time, or not at all.  I cannot pretend to understand why we are going through this trial right now.  But, I can see where each of us....my husband...myself....and each of our children....are growing right now.  God is molding us.  We are being prepared for something.  I do not know what the future will bring.  But, I do know that God is in control.  

I also reminded my husband that when people have kids, they don't get a clean break with divorce.  We have children together.  That will always be true.  So, even if he divorces me, he is still stuck with me, as the mother of his children.  Considering how important his children are to him, he is really stuck with me. (Ironically, "our song" is "Happy To Be Stuck With You" by Huey Lewis and the News!)

I do not know if I will get what I want.  But, I do know that God will see me through, and be with me every step of the way.

I did not come to this answer on my own.  I heard this comment spoken to me in the past.  I met a woman who had suffered the death of a child.  She was 23 weeks, 6 days along in her pregnancy, when she went into labor.  The hospital had a policy at the time that they did not try to save babies born before 24 weeks.  My friend tried to argue that by midnight her baby would be 24 weeks along, and that was just a few hours away.  The head doctor argued back that she could be off on her dates.  For some reason, the doctors did not think her baby would survive, and they did not seem interested in trying to save her.  A nurse spoke up and got the doctor to agree to let the nurse monitor the baby's status during the labor, to see if the baby remained alive.  That seemed acceptable, but the team of doctors took turns entering the room through the night to explain all the reasons why they did not think the baby could survive the preterm labor.  As my friend told me her story, she said it was as if the doctors were trying to convince her and her husband that there was no hope.  She then explained that the part the doctors were missing was that their hope did not come from the doctors.  Their hope came from God.  It turned out that their baby girl was born at exactly 24 weeks gestation.  She entered the world crying, and breathing on her own, which was a complete shock to the hospital staff.  She lived for 45 days in the NICU, until a skin infection took her life (a baby's skin is so thin at that age.  It is not as capable of protecting the body the way a full term baby, or older person's skin can perform).  The head doctor was not allowed in the room for the delivery, because my friend feared that due to his lack of desire to treat her baby, he may actually attempt to kill it instead.  Even after all that she had been through, my friend prayed that this doctor would have a change of heart toward the lives of the babies in his future deliveries.  Her story, and her explanation of hope, has stuck with me all these years.  

As I sat at the table, enjoying lunch out with my husband on our 14th anniversary, I listened to him explain how bleak our marriage relationship really is, and how he has been advised to just get a divorce and be done with it, in order to help me see that I am living on false hope.  

Immediately, my mind declared that MY HOPE IS IN CHRIST!

I tried to gently explain that I was not being misled.  I was not even believing things were good.  I do see how things are better, and I am happy to celebrate that.  I am happy to share the status of improvement with my friends and family, especially the ones who I know are praying for us.  Six months ago, my husband was in a state of hostility and blame, directed right at me.  I feel as though I have been walking through a living hell this entire year so far.  So much has improved in those 6 months.  The blame is gone.  The hostility is gone.  He is providing, and caring, and visiting, and communicating in truth.  He is soul-searching and taking responsibility for his own health.  He is being kind toward me.  We can talk and communicate about the kids and about our past and present life.  We can even dine together and enjoy the delicious food.  

But, my hope for our future is not in any of those positive changes.  My hope is not in his ability to mend or find stability in his health.  My hope is not in time healing all wounds.  My husband is not my source of hope.

My God is my source of hope.  

No matter what happens to our marriage, to our family, and to our life as each day passes into the future, I know that God is in control.  

  

       

The Toughest Week. Ever.

This has been the toughest week of my life.

It started with Sunday, July 1st, the day that my baby boy, Titus, was actually due to be born.

The middle of the week, Wednesday, July 4th, was our wedding anniversary.  14 years.

My baby boy is dead.

My husband moved out.

Needless to say, this was not a week of celebration.

The trouble with the pain of this week of grief is that it occurred later in the grieving cycle, so I did not have the benefit of shock or numbness to cushion the pain.  I went to new depths of darkness.  It was awful.  

This was one of those weeks when I felt as though I was walking through the valley of the shadow of death.....and God was walking right there with me.  Everyday, every time I turned around, I could see the hand of God in my life.  As much pain as I felt at the time, I still thought that was incredible.  I kept moving forward, one blessing at a time.

It did not help matters that I started off the week after a weekend of travel to visit family.  It was Jersey #4's turn to spend a week with my parents, so the kids and I took a quick overnight road trip to drop her off.  It is fun to visit Granny & PawPaw.  I actually got a good night's sleep, since I felt safe in my parent's home.  (I did not realize how poorly I was sleeping at home, being the only adult to protect the household now, until I rested so well at my parent's house).  

I also made a point to take the kids to visit my husband's grandma.  She had previously asked me to stop by and visit.  She wanted to see the kids.  She assured me that no matter what happened in my marriage, those kids were her great-grandchildren, and she welcomed us all as family.  I was glad to hear that.  I actually expected most relatives to react that way.  Unfortunately, I have been quite shocked at the hostility that has come my way, from my husband's family of origin.  His grandma confirmed the rumors and comments that I had heard so far, about what my mother-in-law and brothers-in-law think about me, and what they say about me.  For people who have never taken the time to get to know me, they certainly have a lot of negative to report.  It is sickening.

I spent the trip home pondering the comments and actions of my in-laws, over these last 6 months.  It was difficult to separate what was just them, versus how much my husband agreed with.  By the end of the trip, I was certain my husband felt just the same about me as they did.  I also pondered our deteriorating financial situation, and what options I have left.  I thought about the various advice that has been given to us.  It is incredible to me how the world wants to encourage families to break up, and husbands and wives to just cut their losses when they are unhappy, and pursue other relationships, revenge, legal battles, and alcohol-induced entertainment.  There are so few people who genuinely care about each of us individually, and our family as a whole, and actually want us to heal and mend and restore our family.  What an uphill battleground.

I woke up Sunday morning with the weight of the world on my shoulders.  There was no way I was going to win the battle that was taking place in my life.  I was too emotionally drained to take on the world.  Besides, my arms were empty, and the baby boy who I thought would bring me comfort during this battle, was gone.  I just could not see how I was going to fight another day.  It was Sunday morning, and I was suppose to get up and get myself and the kids ready for church.  I could not do it.  I could not face another face.  I had no social strength left.  The thought of talking to another person made me cry.  There was no way that I was going to be able to get through "hello," not to mention any other comment about how I was actually doing.  I could not even put into words what I was feeling, to explain it anyway.  Sunday morning is for worship.  I could not bring myself to go to church for worship.  I literally told God that I was a failure of a Christian, and could not even find the strength to worship Him.  I tried to get out of it.  I texted a friend to see if she could take my older kids to church, but she was not attending that day.  I did not have the strength to call anyone else.  I could not even speak to another person.  It was just too tough of a day, and I was too weak.

A friend was suppose to come over and try to fix my dryer in the afternoon.  I emailed him and cancelled.  There was no way I could handle a visit right now, even if it was a service to me.  I tried to see if the kids would consider skipping church.  They looked at me like I was crazy.  I have taught them well.  There was no good reason to miss church.  Of course, they wanted to go.  Who wouldn't want to go to church?  I laid out the plan that I would drive them to church, but that I needed a grieving day and could not go with them.  They accepted that.  They accept grieving.  Tears streamed down my face as I drove.  It was so painful to even be out in the world.  I wanted to be safe at home in my bed.  I managed to drop the kids off at church, and made it home with Jersey #5.  I told him he could play the Wii or watch a movie as much as he wanted.  He thought that was great.  I returned to my bed and cried some more.  

I prayed for peace.  I prayed for a solution.  I prayed for an end to my pain.  I prayed that God would help me figure out what to actually pray for, because I was so distraught I could not even figure out what my situation needed.  

I drove back to the church to pick up my kids, crying the whole way.  Geesh!  I never realized how difficult it was to go through the motions of life like that.  Driving took all of my remaining strength and focus.  The kids ran to the van right away, so I was able to return home without having to wave or speak to anyone.  When I got home, I went right to bed.  I was so exhausted from all of that crying and driving.  The kids knew their Dad was coming to pick them up.  I gave them instructions for lunch, and getting dressed for their visit.  

All of the convincing myself that my husband was of like mind to his family was immediately dissipated when he arrived at the door and inquired as to how I was doing.  It was obvious I was having a tough day.  The kids also shared that I was having a grieving day.  He could not mask his surprise when he heard I had not actually gone to church either.  He asked me what he could do for me, and what I needed.  He asked if I wanted to visit the cemetery.  I assured him and the kids that their plans to go swimming with their cousins was a good idea, and would give me a chance to rest and grieve without weighing them down.  I told the kids that I was just having a grieving day, and that I did not want them to worry about me, and I wanted them to go have fun.  They seemed to accept that explanation, and happily loaded up in their Daddy's truck.        

My husband took time to listen to the topics that were troubling me, and then gave me some wise advice.  He showed me a new perspective on how to view the way his family dislikes me.  He actually turned it into a positive thing.  He checked to make sure I had everything I needed for the afternoon.  Then, he surprised me by asking if I wanted to go out to dinner for our anniversary.  He said that 14 years of marriage, and 20 years together, is a long time.  He felt it should be commemorated in some way, similar to visit a cemetery on the anniversary of the death of a loved one.  The analogy made me laugh.  It is morbid, and doesn't usually relate to marriage.  But under the circumstances of this year, it seemed so fitting.  I told him that it was the thought that counted, and I was flattered that he had the thought in the first place.  I offered to find a babysitter.  Then, I reassured him that his taking the kids for the afternoon was a good thing, and I would use the time wisely to rest and get a grip on my emotions.  

It actually did me wonders to have a plan for our anniversary date.  I suspect that day would have been horrific if I did not have some way to commemorate it.  Titus' due date was tough enough on me, without a plan to commemorate it.

All afternoon, I napped.  And napped.  And napped.

I woke up and ate at snack, then napped some more.

I had a lot of exhaustion to release, mental exhaustion, physical exhaustion, and emotional exhaustion.

I finally woke up rested.  I had a new perspective on my pain.  I was going to take things one step at a time, attempting to keep moving forward each day.  I prayed every step of the way.  

Is this "for worse" or "in sickness"?

I take you to be my husband, 

to have and to hold , 

for better or for worse, 

for richer, for poorer, 

in sickness and in health, 

to love and to cherish; 

from this day forward 

until death do us part.

I have spent weeks struggling through my Pastor's sermons from the "Not. a fan." series.  At the same time, I have overlapped those struggles with my grieving struggles about the death of my baby boy, and also about the break-up of my marriage and home.  I have experienced a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions, and have not been able to find much peace.  

Until now.

I went one more round with God about my entitlements.  What about what I want?  What about the marriage that I want?  What about the family that I want?  What about the life that I want?  

I know people who would totally support me going after what I want.

But, if I focus solely on what I want, then I am completely ignoring what God wants.

Dying to one's self is not easy.

I suppose that is why the Not. a. fan. sermon series was so determined to point out that following Christ comes with sacrifice.  The world does not usually understand God's ways.  His ways are higher than our ways.  The world would like to tell us that God's ways are no longer relevant.  Through the various crisis in my life, I have come to see more clearly how God's ways are absolutely relevant.  They are superior.

"Dying to yourself may mean that you selflessly love a spouse 

who has cheated you out of a marriage you so desperately wanted."   

---Kyle Idleman, not a fan.

I have not been able to get that statement out of my head.  I have spent way too much time dwelling on it.  I finally asked God if this was true for me?  Am I suppose to love my husband, even though he has done some pretty extreme unloving acts that have broken up our life together?

Yes.

But, what about boundaries?  I don't want to be a doormat, and just take whatever he dishes out.  Boundaries are important.  If he won't accept the boundaries of a healthy relationship, and wants to walk away instead, then aren't I suppose to just let him go?

Yes.  Let him go.  That is his choice to make.  But, that should not stop me from loving him.  That does not give me the freedom to seek love with someone else.  That does not end our marriage.  That does not remove my responsibility as his wife.

The choice did not come easy to me.  Even after I was very clear on what I needed to do, I struggled with it.  I went through the arguments and emotions.  I brought up all of my entitlements.  

And when I finally looked at myself the way that God sees me.....when I finally realized just how small my problems truly are.....when I finally caught of a glimpse of God's power compared to my weakness.....when I finally realized that there was a much bigger picture unfolding here....

when I finally looked at my life here on Earth as just a vapor compared to my life of eternity in heaven.....

that is when I finally got a clue:

It all comes down to love.

The Bible spells it out so simply.....

Matthew 22:36-40

King James Version (KJV)

³⁶ Master, which is the great commandment in the law?

³⁷ Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.

³⁸ This is the first and great commandment.

³⁹ And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.

⁴⁰ On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.

Love God.

Love others.

It is just that simple.

I finally reached that point of accepting that it is time for me to stop whining about how my life did not turn out the way that I had planned.  It is time to stop dwelling on what has been broken.  It is time to stop focusing on what I want, and start focusing on what God wants.

Love God.

Love others.

I purposed in my heart that I was going to love my husband, and forgive the past.  I was going to show the love of Christ.  I was going to do these things without expectation that our relationship and family would be restored.  I am reminded that my husband is expecting strife in his entire life.  He is not accustomed to love.  

I was reminded of a quote I had read in the past, that really reminded me of him:

He drew a circle that shut me out.

But Love and I had the wit to win:

We drew a larger circle that took him in.

---Apples of Gold

  

My life has dramatically changed the moment I had a change of heart.

For starters, I have peace.  I am not longer dwelling on what could have been, should have been, might have been.  I am accepting of my situation, and that God knows what He is doing.  He already knows the outcome.  He knows the bigger picture.

Then, in the past four days, I have had three very serious, very honest conversations with my husband.  He has shared with me things I never realized before.

I have a different level of clarity right now.

Health

Finances

Marriage

Things are not what they seemed before.

Oh the irony that those are the very subjects of wedding vows: 

In sickness and in health...

For richer or poorer...

For better or for worse...  

Ok, so are we in sickness, poorer, or worse right now?

Technically, all 3.

But, it is sickness that seems to be trying to ruin us right now.

During our conversations, my husband was able to open my eyes to the reality that I did not see.

His is really suffering.  His depression is not stable.  He sees and is learning to admit to his limits.

He is not currently capable of doing more for our finances, or for relationships.  He is trying his absolute hardest to be a father to his children, but it is taking every ounce of strength he has to do what he believes is not enough.  He has nothing left for anyone or anything else.

Due to his hostile actions in the past 6 months, I did not see how much he still truly cares for me.  That was refreshing to realize.  

He reaffirmed his previous apologies for his hostile actions.  He had tried to blame me for his woe, being in complete denial of his illness.  If he wasn't ill, then clearly it was my fault he was so miserable.  Now that he lives alone, he realizes that his woe has nothing to do with anyone else.  I see that change in him.  I have accepted his apologies.  I forgive him, and leave the past behind us.  

But, what about the present?  Things are not fixed here.

A friend prompted me to check out CCEF Christian Counseling and Educational Foundation.  I found a podcast that was discussing loving a depressed spouse.  The advice was outstanding, and really changed my perspective on my current situation....

 Understand, that as deeply as you love your spouse, you don’t have the ability to cure their depression.  And, you don’t need to walk around, carrying that burden.  God has called you to something much simpler than curing, but so much more important than trying to cure it.  

Being a faithful witness of His love.

Well, that certainly takes the load off my shoulders.  The goal is not to cure the depression.  The goal is to love my husband, whether he is depressed or not.  If I try to throw him a lifeline, and he ignores it, I get caught up in his hopelessness.  Focusing on the cure, is actually rather depressing.    

Even while he is suffering with depression, my husband needs to love and honor God, and love others.  As his spouse, I can model that love.

If my husband had cancer or heart disease, I would still love him.  I would be willing to stand with him as he battled his illness.  It should not be any different with mental illness.

While I cannot even pretend to fully understand his illness, I do understand grief.  There are some similarities that expand my compassion. 

The question is am I a committed enough wife to go the distance?

I have spent a lot of time focusing on how my husband has quit on me and quit on our marriage.  I have not taken the time to test whether or not I am trying to quit too.  

I think this may be exactly why that sermon series bothered me right from day one.  The question was am I a completely committed follower of Christ?  If I admit, yes, then it is time for me to fully honor God in  my marriage covenant.  

The funny thing is that it was my husband who laid the choice out for me.

During one of our conversations this week, he assured me that he has been faithful.  He has no intentions or desires of divorce.  He is not seeking a relationship with anyone else.  He wants me to have companionship, but he is unable to give me the things I desire right now.  He realizes it is unfair for me to have to live this way, just because he is ill.  So, even though he does not like the thought of me in the arms of another man, he would understand if I chose to quit on him, and pursue the type of relationship I desire most.   

That is a very sweet gesture from a man who does not know his own value.  He does not see himself the way that God sees him.

The answer was very clear to me.  I assured him that I am fully committed to our marriage, and our family.  I was not going to pursue anyone else, regardless of how lonely I feel sometimes.  I had purposed that decision in my heart, well before our conversation.  

Instead, I will love my husband with the love of Christ.  

Forgiving.  Restoring.  Unconditionally.

To have...

In sickness...

For poorer...

For worse...

Until death to us part.

(death by natural means:  I am not accepting any options of murder or suicide!)

      

Chutes, Ladders, and Oceans

My eyes have been opened a little further.

After going through a few days of feeling sorry for myself, and writing this post about my struggles within our broken marriage, I had a deep conversation with my husband.  He was very honest with me about how bleak things look for him right now, and how very limited he is in his abilities to cope.  He does not ever see being able to return home and restore our family.  He is convinced he needs to live alone, isolated from other people.

That conversation really shattered any previous encouragement I had, and chipped away at my hope that things can ever get better.  I was feeling pretty sorry for myself about my broken marriage and family.  I was pretty angry about the lack of solutions for mental health issues.  Where are the success stories?  Where are the self-help books telling us how to win at marriage, family, and life, when one spouse is suffering with chronic illness?      

I went to bed with the weight of the world on my shoulders.  I was reminded of just how dark things are right now, with no end in sight.  I was burdened by just how challenging things look to be in the future.  I felt stuck with no solution.  I tossed and turned and really had a tough time falling asleep.

Today, I learned that I have some pretty amazing friends.

I have friends who will listen attentively and give me a hug.  It is nice to have an ear and a shoulder like that.  Bless those friends who are willing to walk along side me and feel my pain.

But, I also have friends who are rock solid in reality and faith.  These are the friends who will tell me like it is, with no sugar on top.  These are the friends who make no apologies for their accurate quoting of scripture, and their bold questioning of my attitude.  

One friend challenged me, 

"Who is the accuser?  Who is telling you that there is no solution right now?  Satan is the accuser.  God is the answer.  God will find a way.  He already has the plan in place.  Right now you are overwhelmed and feeling like you are struggling in the middle of the ocean.  I don't know what is going to happen.  I don't know how he is going to scoop you up out of there.  But, God isn't going to let you drown."

This friends knows.  She knows what it is like to love someone who is so broken that he does not even have the capacity to return love.  She knows what it is like to remain faithful and committed to a relationship, when the rest of the world is advising cutting ties.  She knows what it is like to remain faithful to God's Word, and watch Him miraculously work in her life.

Her testimony completely changed my attitude.  You can't argue with someone who has walked in the trenches before.  

She also reminded me that my situation is not personal.  Sometimes people get so low that they can't even see a way out.  Sometimes they have to reach that point of relying solely on God, because they can't find any other options.  It is painful to watch from the sidelines.  But, it is a beautiful thing when they work through that spiritual struggle.  Learning to fully rely on God is a tough process, but it yields the most amazing joy and peace.  

Another friend gave me an analogy that made perfect sense.  She said that "recovering from a mental illness issue is like playing chutes and ladders."

I think that needs to be listed on the prescription bottles.  What a way to describe the ups and downs, that seem to come from out of the blue.

My friends have rejuvenated me.  They really took my eyes off myself.  I am not alone in the middle of the ocean.  That is a deception that is being used to distract me from the task at hand.

My life is part of a bigger picture.  The playing field is not level right now.

It is a game of chutes and ladders.

This week, we just landed at the end of the big chute.  It is time to stand back up and head towards the next ladder.

Adultery Looks Appealing

"Dying to yourself may mean that you selflessly love a spouse who has cheated you out of a marriage you so desperately wanted."   
---Kyle Idleman, not a fan.

Never in a million years did I ever consider the idea that my marriage would fail.

I don't quit.  So, failure is not an option.

Knowing that The Referee came from a broken home, with no example of how to keep a relationship strong enough to go the distance, I insisted that he seriously consider the fact that I believe marriage is forever, as God designed.  I was not playing games.  When our dating relationship became more serious, I suggested that we study and learn how to work through dysfunctional habits and work toward healthy ones.  I was very pleased at the way The Referee took my beliefs seriously.  We studied.  We talked.  We learned.  We grew.  He even pursued other resources to help him work through some past emotional wounds.  He proved to me that he loved me so much that he was willing to go the distance just to marry me.

I had full confidence in us.

The first time he had a breakdown and decided to walk out on his entire life, I did not take it as a mental health situation, I took it as a personal rejection.  (It was easy to take it personally, since his anger and justifications for his unhappiness blamed me).  

It shook me to the core to realize that he could single-handedly alter my life so dramatically, and for the worst.

I learned a very powerful truth about marriage that day.  I learned that my husband could choose a course of action that would directly affect my life, and I do not even get a vote in the matter.  

Marriage is a leap of faith.

We are trusting that our spouse will conduct themselves in a manner that is respectful of the relationship, and committed to the marriage.

When we attempted marriage counseling with a certified counselor, she made a quick comment during the first session that really bothered me. 

"It takes two to tango."


It is a common saying.  It implies that marriage problems are not a result of one person.  Both spouses are required to make a marriage work, and both spouses are responsible for its demise.


In my head I was thinking that sure it takes two to make the marriage work, but really it only takes one to quit and ruin it.


I was willing to go the distance.  Through the good times and the bad times.  Six months ago, my husband decided that he wanted out of the marriage, and away from our family life.  Some call it a breakdown.  I took it personal.  His rage and blame were clearly directed at me.  Since then, he has gained some new perspective.  He no longer blames me.  He apologized.  He tells me it is not personal.    


I feel completely cheated out of the marriage I wanted.  I am angry that when I took my marriage vows, I was saying "until death do we part," and apparently my husband was saying, "until I change my mind and decide to quit."


Rejection hurts us to the core.  It breaks our hearts.  It damages our self worth.  


Well-meaning friends suggested I take legal action with a vengeance.  It is our nature to want to take justice into our own hands.


Instead, I choose to live by God's Word.


God hates divorce.


Ok.  I am not pursuing divorce, but now what?  Do I throw a pity party?  Do I wait?  Do I pray for reconciliation?  Do I try to fix it?


I do not want to be a doormat.  I do not want to be treated like a second class citizen.


Many folks start dating right away.  Some start even before the divorce is final.  When a person remarries right after the divorce, it is fairly safe to assume that they were dating in the midst.  Having someone else pay attention to you and treat you like you are special, helps take away the sting of rejection from the one who discarded you.  


Adultery looks so appealing.


Falling in love is fun.  It sounds so nice to seek someone who is willing to love you.  


I do not want to be alone for the rest of my life.  I want a companion to "do life" with.


I poured out these thoughts and desires to God, in prayer.  I just could not see why this was happening to me, or how to stop it.  I tried looking for a way that divorce and remarriage would be acceptable.  


I was not prepared for the answer.


As I grow in my relationship with Christ, I am trying to let go of my entitlements and live a life that is honoring to God.  That is not easy.  Being a completely committed follower requires sacrifice.  


I am required to honor my marriage vows.  Those vows were made to my husband and to God.  We stood before family and friends to make it public, and to celebrate our union.  


I have heard marriage described as a covenant between 3 people:  husband, wife, and God.


My parents have a poster on the wall of their home that says, "The closer we come to God, the closer we are to each other."  The idea is that if the 3-way relationship is a triangle, and both spouses have their eyes on Christ, they are coming closer to each other, because they are approaching a single apex of the triangle.


As I pondered that image, it dawned on me that it really does take two to tango.  


Two:  me + God.    Currently, that is who is holding this marriage together.


Regardless of what the legal system says about my marital status (which it doesn't say anything different, because we have not yet filed any dissolution of marriage paperwork), and regardless of where we each take up residence, I will always be married to my husband in the eyes of God, who joined us together.  Until death do we part... 

Therefore they are no more two, but one flesh. 

What therefore God has joined together, 

let not man put asunder.  ---Matthew 19:6

Regardless of what our marriage looks like on paper, or what it looks like in the Christmas card photo, we are still married.  I am still responsible to behave as a wife is instructed to behave, according to the Bible.  The behavior of my husband does not change my role as a wife.  He will answer to God for his actions.  I will answer to God for my actions.  Two wrongs will not make it right. 


That hardly seems fair here on Earth.  I want revenge.  I want justice.  I want to be loved.  I want my own happiness.


Well, Jesus never said it was going to be easy.  Quite the contrary, He said following Him required taking up a cross.  Ouch!  


Justice will be served in eternity.


Here on Earth, I am called to obey God's Word, and honor my marriage vows.  I am to respect my husband.  I am to love selflessly.  I am to be faithful.


(Thankfully, there is no place in the Bible that says I have to be a doormat!)  Love and respect strengthen my integrity, not lessen it.  My self worth is high when I see myself as God sees me.  God Loves Me.


It is not easy to let go of my anger.  It is not easy to let go of my bitterness.  It is not easy to let go of my desire to pursue companionship.  It is not easy to let go of my entitlement.  It is not easy when I am trying to do those things on my own.


It is actually easy when my eyes are fixed on Christ, and I am focused on living a life that is pleasing to Him.


Adultery is appealing.  There is a large temptation to seek love again.


But, I must remember that I am a married woman.  I took a vow for a lifetime.


I am purposefully taking steps to distance myself from the temptation.  I wear my wedding ring.  I do not go out to venues filled with single men.  I do not flirt.  I do not conduct myself in any way that implies I am available for a romantic relationship.  I do not even spend time watching romantic movies that will encourage me to focus on what I am missing.  I focus on raising my kids, and keep busy with their activities.  I surround myself with the Word of God:  Bible study, prayer, Christian music, church worship services and activities.  


I lead a full life so that the thoughts of adulterous behavior do not grow within me.  Considering the temptation is the first step down a slippery slope.    


The truth about what is right and what is wrong is there.  


I am making a conscious choice to walk in the truth.


The truth sets me free from the burden of sin.