Is this "for worse" or "in sickness"?

I take you to be my husband, 

to have and to hold , 

for better or for worse, 

for richer, for poorer, 

in sickness and in health, 

to love and to cherish; 

from this day forward 

until death do us part.

I have spent weeks struggling through my Pastor's sermons from the "Not. a fan." series.  At the same time, I have overlapped those struggles with my grieving struggles about the death of my baby boy, and also about the break-up of my marriage and home.  I have experienced a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions, and have not been able to find much peace.  

Until now.

I went one more round with God about my entitlements.  What about what I want?  What about the marriage that I want?  What about the family that I want?  What about the life that I want?  

I know people who would totally support me going after what I want.

But, if I focus solely on what I want, then I am completely ignoring what God wants.

Dying to one's self is not easy.

I suppose that is why the Not. a. fan. sermon series was so determined to point out that following Christ comes with sacrifice.  The world does not usually understand God's ways.  His ways are higher than our ways.  The world would like to tell us that God's ways are no longer relevant.  Through the various crisis in my life, I have come to see more clearly how God's ways are absolutely relevant.  They are superior.

"Dying to yourself may mean that you selflessly love a spouse 

who has cheated you out of a marriage you so desperately wanted."   

---Kyle Idleman, not a fan.

I have not been able to get that statement out of my head.  I have spent way too much time dwelling on it.  I finally asked God if this was true for me?  Am I suppose to love my husband, even though he has done some pretty extreme unloving acts that have broken up our life together?

Yes.

But, what about boundaries?  I don't want to be a doormat, and just take whatever he dishes out.  Boundaries are important.  If he won't accept the boundaries of a healthy relationship, and wants to walk away instead, then aren't I suppose to just let him go?

Yes.  Let him go.  That is his choice to make.  But, that should not stop me from loving him.  That does not give me the freedom to seek love with someone else.  That does not end our marriage.  That does not remove my responsibility as his wife.

The choice did not come easy to me.  Even after I was very clear on what I needed to do, I struggled with it.  I went through the arguments and emotions.  I brought up all of my entitlements.  

And when I finally looked at myself the way that God sees me.....when I finally realized just how small my problems truly are.....when I finally caught of a glimpse of God's power compared to my weakness.....when I finally realized that there was a much bigger picture unfolding here....

when I finally looked at my life here on Earth as just a vapor compared to my life of eternity in heaven.....

that is when I finally got a clue:

It all comes down to love.

The Bible spells it out so simply.....

Matthew 22:36-40

King James Version (KJV)

³⁶ Master, which is the great commandment in the law?

³⁷ Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.

³⁸ This is the first and great commandment.

³⁹ And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.

⁴⁰ On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.

Love God.

Love others.

It is just that simple.

I finally reached that point of accepting that it is time for me to stop whining about how my life did not turn out the way that I had planned.  It is time to stop dwelling on what has been broken.  It is time to stop focusing on what I want, and start focusing on what God wants.

Love God.

Love others.

I purposed in my heart that I was going to love my husband, and forgive the past.  I was going to show the love of Christ.  I was going to do these things without expectation that our relationship and family would be restored.  I am reminded that my husband is expecting strife in his entire life.  He is not accustomed to love.  

I was reminded of a quote I had read in the past, that really reminded me of him:

He drew a circle that shut me out.

But Love and I had the wit to win:

We drew a larger circle that took him in.

---Apples of Gold

  

My life has dramatically changed the moment I had a change of heart.

For starters, I have peace.  I am not longer dwelling on what could have been, should have been, might have been.  I am accepting of my situation, and that God knows what He is doing.  He already knows the outcome.  He knows the bigger picture.

Then, in the past four days, I have had three very serious, very honest conversations with my husband.  He has shared with me things I never realized before.

I have a different level of clarity right now.

Health

Finances

Marriage

Things are not what they seemed before.

Oh the irony that those are the very subjects of wedding vows: 

In sickness and in health...

For richer or poorer...

For better or for worse...  

Ok, so are we in sickness, poorer, or worse right now?

Technically, all 3.

But, it is sickness that seems to be trying to ruin us right now.

During our conversations, my husband was able to open my eyes to the reality that I did not see.

His is really suffering.  His depression is not stable.  He sees and is learning to admit to his limits.

He is not currently capable of doing more for our finances, or for relationships.  He is trying his absolute hardest to be a father to his children, but it is taking every ounce of strength he has to do what he believes is not enough.  He has nothing left for anyone or anything else.

Due to his hostile actions in the past 6 months, I did not see how much he still truly cares for me.  That was refreshing to realize.  

He reaffirmed his previous apologies for his hostile actions.  He had tried to blame me for his woe, being in complete denial of his illness.  If he wasn't ill, then clearly it was my fault he was so miserable.  Now that he lives alone, he realizes that his woe has nothing to do with anyone else.  I see that change in him.  I have accepted his apologies.  I forgive him, and leave the past behind us.  

But, what about the present?  Things are not fixed here.

A friend prompted me to check out CCEF Christian Counseling and Educational Foundation.  I found a podcast that was discussing loving a depressed spouse.  The advice was outstanding, and really changed my perspective on my current situation....

 Understand, that as deeply as you love your spouse, you don’t have the ability to cure their depression.  And, you don’t need to walk around, carrying that burden.  God has called you to something much simpler than curing, but so much more important than trying to cure it.  

Being a faithful witness of His love.

Well, that certainly takes the load off my shoulders.  The goal is not to cure the depression.  The goal is to love my husband, whether he is depressed or not.  If I try to throw him a lifeline, and he ignores it, I get caught up in his hopelessness.  Focusing on the cure, is actually rather depressing.    

Even while he is suffering with depression, my husband needs to love and honor God, and love others.  As his spouse, I can model that love.

If my husband had cancer or heart disease, I would still love him.  I would be willing to stand with him as he battled his illness.  It should not be any different with mental illness.

While I cannot even pretend to fully understand his illness, I do understand grief.  There are some similarities that expand my compassion. 

The question is am I a committed enough wife to go the distance?

I have spent a lot of time focusing on how my husband has quit on me and quit on our marriage.  I have not taken the time to test whether or not I am trying to quit too.  

I think this may be exactly why that sermon series bothered me right from day one.  The question was am I a completely committed follower of Christ?  If I admit, yes, then it is time for me to fully honor God in  my marriage covenant.  

The funny thing is that it was my husband who laid the choice out for me.

During one of our conversations this week, he assured me that he has been faithful.  He has no intentions or desires of divorce.  He is not seeking a relationship with anyone else.  He wants me to have companionship, but he is unable to give me the things I desire right now.  He realizes it is unfair for me to have to live this way, just because he is ill.  So, even though he does not like the thought of me in the arms of another man, he would understand if I chose to quit on him, and pursue the type of relationship I desire most.   

That is a very sweet gesture from a man who does not know his own value.  He does not see himself the way that God sees him.

The answer was very clear to me.  I assured him that I am fully committed to our marriage, and our family.  I was not going to pursue anyone else, regardless of how lonely I feel sometimes.  I had purposed that decision in my heart, well before our conversation.  

Instead, I will love my husband with the love of Christ.  

Forgiving.  Restoring.  Unconditionally.

To have...

In sickness...

For poorer...

For worse...

Until death to us part.

(death by natural means:  I am not accepting any options of murder or suicide!)