God spoke. I cried.

This morning, I woke up to an email in my inbox.  

A woman who actively participates at the same AWANA club emailed me to say that she had just heard about the loss of my baby boy.  Although I know this woman, slightly, our children are not the same ages, so we do not volunteer in the same classrooms.  So, I really don't know her very well at all.  It is really no surprise that she was unaware of the status of crisis in my life.

It was a surprise that she took the time to contact me.  It was an even bigger surprise to read what she had to say.

Sadly, this woman recently suffered a miscarriage.  She is grieving, and that pain is terrible.  She wanted to reach out to me, because she better understands the pain that I am enduring.  A mutual friend shared with her about my situation, and some of the things I have posted on my blog.  One of the things that was shared was the fact that I do not yet have a gravestone for my babies' grave.

She said the Lord placed it on her heart that she and her husband should help me get a gravestone for the grave.  In her email, she offered to do that for me, if I would let her.

I immediately started crying.  I was so filled with adrenaline that I was shaking, and had to sit down.  My heart was racing with joy and excitement, and I was completely overwhelmed that God was meeting this need in my life.  I am SO sensitive, that my emotions are often manifested in a physical reaction as well.  My body was in such a hyped up state, that I would not have been surprised if I had a heart attack.  Although, I am not sure if joy can give you a heart attack.  I doubt it.

It was easy to see God's hand in this.

I have not been talking about my inability to purchase the gravestone for my babies' grave.  It is a want, not a true need.  I don't want to be a charity case and expect everyone else to cover my expenses.  So, I tucked the desire down deep, and constantly looked for ways to save the funds.  None of my efforts were working.  By the time I wrote the blog post that mentioned that the lack of stone on the grave bothered me, I was in a state of anger about how difficult it was to save this money, in my current financial situation.  I was growing bitter toward my husband over this desire of mine.  Honestly, the amount of money he spends on renting his own apartment would easily cover the cost of a headstone for the grave!  

As I have been working through my struggles, with Bible study and prayer, I had finally reached a point of letting go of the anger and bitterness (that is a whole other blog post).  I handed over my financial struggle to God.  I had to let it go and accept that the funds for the gravestone will arrive in God's timing, not mine.  This is actually quite difficult for me.  I like to plan.  Memorial Day would be a great time to get a stone placed.  The anniversary of Mackenzie's birth/death is in June, that would be a great time to get the stone placed.  Titus was due to be born the first week of July, and that would be a great time to get the stone placed.  Well, since it takes about 6 weeks for the stone to be completed, there was no way I was going to get it in time for any of these time points, especially when the first step is having the money to pay for it.  Memorial Day came and went, and I was sad about the gravestone.  The desire is deep.  So, I had to keep reminding myself that it is a want, not a true need.

When this woman who hardly knows me offered to fund the gravestone, because God told her to, I was completely overwhelmed.  What a blessing!  This is HUGE for me!  What a mending of my heart's desire!  There are not enough exclamation points in the world to express how I am rejoicing over this!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

God didn't stop there.

Two lessons have come to me through this.

It is humbling to me to see Christian love in action like this.  A broken-hearted woman reached out to someone else, in the midst of her pain.  My response is to feel sorry for myself, not to reach out to others.  What an example she sets.  I have a lot to learn.

In spite of the joy I felt over this answered prayer, there was a piece of me who was not certain I could accept this gift.  I even asked my Pastor and my husband if it was acceptable to receive such a large gift like this.....especially when it is a desire, and not a need.  I am accustomed to standing on my own two feet, and doing everything I can on my own.  I do not like to be a charity case.  My Pastor advised me to allow others to minister me, so that they can fulfill God's will in their lives as well.  I didn't look at it this way.  My husband suggested that it is not a charity case because I am not asking for help, or expecting it.  It is easy for me to do for others.  It is difficult for me to accept help from others.

I finally reached enough composure to call this lady.  I had sent an email response right away, but I was crying and shaking so much that I knew I could not maintain a conversation.  It was so nice to talk with her on the phone.  She is such a loving person.  She was quite serious about giving me the money for the gravestone.  

I am still in a bit of shock about this whole blessing and answered prayer.  My excitement about being able to begin the process of selecting the headstone is growing, as the idea becomes more real to me.

God is SO Good!