Even If The Healing Doesn't Come

I heard a song on the radio recently that rocked my world.

The group is Kutless.

The song is "Even If The Healing Doesn't Come"

Now, I will admit that I am not musically talented.  I don't have rhythm.  I can't hear/carry a tune.  I can't sing.  I do not play a musical instrument.  I can't even clap on beat.  So, I am unqualified to evaluate the music itself.

It was the words that gripped me.

I usually like a song, based on its lyrics.  My favorite songs are the ones that tell a story or have a great point.

I tuned in to this song when I heard the first few lines to the chorus:

Even if the healing doesn't come 

And life falls apart 

And dreams are still undone 

I was immediately convicted.

My family is not healed.  My marriage relationship is not healed.  My life is a mess right now.  My dreams are not accomplished.  It is as if the chorus of that song was written from my own thoughts and insecurities.

But, the next few lines put it all into perspective:

You are God You are good 

Forever faithful One 

Even if the healing 

Even if the healing doesn't come

The lessons from church camp rang through my head.  I remember the evangelist saying, "It may not all work out for your personal benefit."  He was explaining how God's ways are higher than our ways.  God has a plan, for sure, but it does not mean that the lives of Christians are going to be great (while here on Earth).  

I admit that I have been struggling.  I have not written a blog post in a while.  I could easily blame it on being too busy.  I can also blame it on being too overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions that I could not write clearly.  

It has taken me this long to accept that my marriage is over.

Technically, we have been living as if we are divorced all year, without actually making the divorce legal.  My husband has moved out.  He has visitation with the children.  All interaction is business-like, to discuss the children and the finances.  He has no intention of returning home, or restoring our marriage or our family.  He does not wear his wedding ring.  He does not consider us a couple.  He has full support of his mother and brothers, who encourage him to divorce me.  They do not value marriage.

I do value marriage.

Marriage is one of my core values.

I made a point to prepare myself that marriage is forever.  Through thick and thin, failure was not an option.  I insisted that my soon-to-be-husband heard me clearly that if he was going to commit to marrying me, that I was serious that it had to be forever.

Unfortunately, his commitment was not genuine.  He does not value marriage.  He is choosing to continue the legacy of divorce and broken family that his parents established.  

The first time he had a mental breakdown and walked out on his life, I was shattered.  I could not believe that my entire life could be altered by someone else, and I did not even get a vote.  It took me a while to accept that reality.

This time around, I am not shocked that it can happen.  I have been having such a hard time accepting it though.

Months ago, a friend suggested I was having a hard time because marriage was one of my core values.  I did not process her wise words well enough at that time.

Lately, I have been process the details of my life, but I am still struggling.

I sought counsel with my Pastor who put it bluntly when he told me I was feeling shattered to the core.  My marriage has completely failed, regardless of the preparation I did to prevent it, and regardless of my wishes.  I do not get a say here.  It doesn't matter how much I value marriage, my husband is ripping that core right out of my being.  

(It reminds me of the video game Mortal Kombat, where the winning character reaches into the losing opponent and rips their beating heart right out of their chest, and holds it up overhead.  I always thought that graphic was disgusting.  Oh how many times did I watch my husband play that video game, while we were dating, and had no clue it was a picture of what he would later do to our marriage.) 

The confession that came out as I was speaking with my Pastor is that my Faith is shaken right now.  That scares me.

I have been through numerous levels of crisis in my life (and I honestly think losing a child is the worst one possible), and yet my Faith has been intact, and actually able to grow.  But, this divorce crisis has really done a number on me.  I have been questioning everything I believe, everything that I think, and everything that I am.  It has been really hard to go to church.  I have been thinking that if I am such a failure as a Christian...because I have been completely rejected as a wife, even though I valued marriage so much...then maybe I don't belong in church.  Maybe God doesn't like me either.     

Pastor encouraged me that my Faith is shaken right now, but it is not shattered.

Just like the song says, I have to set my faith in the knowledge of who God is.  

So we set our faith in who You are

Even though You reign high above us

You tenderly love us

We know Your heart

And we rest in who You are

As the fog of doubts starts to clear, I see that I have been making marriage an idol.  Marriage is referenced so often in Christian teaching, and is very important.  But, I had made it too important.  Just like every other thing in my life that I valued too much....medical school, babies, finances, a big house...this idol is being ripped away from me.  I am being forced to pick myself up and move forward without it.

I am being forced to decide if I will trust God, even if I lose this desire of my heart.

Once again, I am answering YES.

My Pastor was correct.  My Faith is not broken by a failed marriage.  My husband rejects me, but God still loves me.

I continue to pray for a miracle.

But I know God is Good...

Even if the healing doesn't come.

Even If--Kutless

Songwriters: WOOD, TONY / KRIPPAYNE, SCOTT

Sometimes all we have to hold on to 

Is what we know is true of who You are 

So when the heartache hits like a hurricane 

That could never change who You are 

And we trust in who You are 

Even if the healing doesn't come 

And life falls apart 

And dreams are still undone 

You are God You are good 

Forever faithful One 

Even if the healing 

Even if the healing doesn't come 

Lord we know your ways are not our ways 

So we set our faith in who You are 

Even though You reign high above us 

You tenderly love us 

We know Your heart 

And we rest in who You are 

You're still the Great and Mighty One 

We trust You always 

You're working all things for our good 

We'll sing your praise 

You are God and we will bless You 

As the Good and Faithful One 

You are God and we will bless You 

Even if the healing doesn't come 

Prison Lessons and FUN

We put on our orange, prison attire, and studied stories about Paul, in Ephesians chapter 3, while we were at church camp.  The theme was "I'm a Lifer."  A prisoner of Christ.  This theme came from Youth Frameworks, which seems to have special gift for reaching youth.

I learned so much during the adult lesson time.  The kids were in their own classes, so I was not having to keep track of them.  I could really listen and absorb the teaching that way.  It seemed so personal, of course.  (Most of the sermons and church lessons seem so personal to me these days.)  

Usually, when a person is struggling with why do bad things happen to good people, they are encouraged to look at Job, who was a righteous man who suffered horrible things at no fault of his own. But, that very question came up during our lessons at church camp, and we were studying Acts.  Chapter 16 of Acts, tells the story of Paul and Silas, and their experience of being wrongfully thrown in jail.  The teacher of our class, pointed out that Paul and Silas were doing what they were suppose to be doing.  They were not in the wrong place at the wrong time.  They were exactly where God told them to be, doing exactly what God told them to do.  Yet, they were wrongfully accused, wrongfully beaten, and wrongfully thrown into jail.  

In the end of the story, the jailer...and his household....came to know Jesus as Savior, because Paul of Silas were faithful and obedient to God.  It is a beautiful story.  The camp teacher explained that sometimes things have to happen to get us where we need to be, to do what God wants us to do.  He went on to say,

"It is not about you!"

Considering the circumstances of my life right now, it was shocking to hear those words.

I am so sick of hearing "it takes two to tango" or "there are two sides to every story" or "I will pray that you both have a change of heart."  There is usually this assumption that I have had a role that helped cause our broken family circumstances.  I have searched my life over, and I just cannot see a way that I could have done anything to change this outcome.  I am not suggesting I am perfect.  I just did not provoke the circumstance.  It is frustrating to be blamed for something that I cannot control.  I was really becoming discouraged...

Until that lesson at church camp.  Paul and Silas were joyful in their suffering, and continued to praise God.  They were not wallowing in self pity, or questioning where did they go wrong.  They were not questioning their faith because so many horrible things were wrongly happening to them.  They were praying and singing praises to God, to the extent that the other prisoners heard them. 

I know exactly what I do when bad things wrongfully happen to me.  I complain.  I feel woe.  I breakdown and cry about the unfairness of it all.  I question my worth.  I question my faith.  I question myself about what do I keep doing wrong to deserve this?  

I would do well to remember:  "It's not about you!"

It is not about me.

The teacher went on to explain, "It is not all going to work out for your personal benefit."

Whoah!  That hit me like a ton of bricks.

I do not know when or where I started to believe that if I was a faithful Christian, that God would bless me on my terms.  Life would work out well.  I would be healthy, wealthy, and have good things come my way.  That has not been my experience at all.  Quite the opposite.  It seems the more I grow in my faith, the more I face trials and crisis.  Looking at it from my own benefit, it is not fair!  But, looking at my experiences with eternity in mind, I am able to see that it is not about me.  It is not personal.

Ironically, those are the exact words my husband told me, repeatedly, when he moved out.

"It is not personal."

It took me 7 months to accept that the current circumstances of my life are not personal.  And, no matter how faithful I am.  No matter how much I pray.  No matter how much I try.  There is no guarantee that things are going to work out for my personal benefit.    

After I absorbed that lesson for a while, I started to question, "What now?"  What does God want from me then?  Where do I go from here?

Of course, the teacher made another comment that resonated with me.  He advised to start with what we know, and let God lead to the next thing.  Start with what I know.  Well, that takes the pressure off...  

That has really helped me get a better perspective in the weeks since church camp.  Of course, our Pastor decided to start a sermon series about growing spiritually.  My how convenient!  (But, that is another post for another day).  

  

There are not too many people who can wear bright orange and look good in it.  But, it sure made it easier to keep track of the kids.

I spent a lot of time keeping track of the kids.  They had a blast going and doing all of the fun activities at church camp.  Jersey #1 and Jersey #3 surprised me by going off the zip line.  That thing is 75 feet in the air!  Yikes!  There is so much fun to be had at church camp:

Church Camp is Supposed to be FUN

We had back-to-back trips this summer.  One week on the mission trip to the Navajo Nation was followed by a weekend to do laundry and pack all over again for a week at church camp.

My kids love church camp.  It is a fun get-away, with many outdoor activities that they do not usually get to enjoy.  Rock climbing, zip line, mud pit, to name a few.  Plus, meals are served in a cafeteria, and we bunk in dorm style lodges.  

Our church attends a church camp that is organized for a handful of churches in 3 different states.  It is pretty neat to see the way they come together for a common purpose.  In the two years our family has attended church camp in the past, our church has only had a few folks attend camp each summer.  

This year was quite different.  This year, we had a bigger attendance than ever before.  There were multiple families going, which meant other Moms (ladies from my church) to get to visit with, worship with, and get to know better.  I was really looking forward to it.  I was envisioning a vacation of sorts, with someone else cooking the meals and cleaning up the kitchen.  I would get to kick back, chat with the other Moms and let our kids enjoy the various fun activities.  Plus, I was looking forward to the lessons and bible study that was going to be taught.  It all sounded so relaxing.

I was in for a rude awakening at church camp this summer.  

I was required to grow.

That was not the 'vacation' I was expecting.

Don't get me wrong.  We still had fun.  We still enjoyed the getaway.  The whole experience was really good.

But, the lessons hit me very close to home.  

I was asked to be a sponsor for some very troubled teen girls.  I do not have experience with teens.  My oldest child is 10.  I thought I was out of my league.  Little did I know, those other ladies from my church, who were suppose to be there to fellowship with me on my 'vacation,' ended up being a team with me, as we ministered to these troubled teens.  Each one of us ladies was forced to face our own weaknesses regarding how we minister to children.....and each one of us was forced to watch each other's strengths show us a better way.  It was absolutely wild to 3 of us ladies, who were Moms ourselves, to see just how ineffective our parenting style can be with other people's children.  We each were stretched to our limit.  We each were put in a position to have to speak to each other about our own weaknesses.  It was not in conflict.  It was not in drama.  These are very loving ladies.  But, it was still difficult.  

One woman shared with me at church two weeks later that she felt church camp really humbled her to the point of feeling awful about herself.  One of the young adult ladies we were with summed it up well when she said that she thought we would all be processing the events of our week at church camp for quite a while.  All of us are certain that we were shown just how much we still need to grow.  Ouch!  

To make matters worse, our Pastor announced that his next sermon series was going to be about growing.

I could not contain my thoughts and immediately blurted out, "Oh no!"  

It was quite clear that church camp was a way for God to give us a good look inside our own hearts, and show us where we really are in our walk with Him.  To know that the next step in our learning is right before us is both scary and awesome at the same time.  God is amazing like that.

  

Jesus Loves the Little Children

Sweet memories are made when we go on our church's mission trip to the Navajo Nation.  The Navajo children really enjoy the love and attention.  The smiles in their eyes just light up the room.  

It is humbling to see the conditions where they live, and the distance from our way of life even though we are in the same country.  I learn more history from the missionaries in that area, than I think I have ever learned in school.  

No matter what the situation, everyone should be aware of God's love, and the free gift of salvation.  That is the most important thing. I try to instill that understanding in my own children.  Before dinner the first evening we were there, I was giving the kids a big lecture about the importance of mission work.  I must have gotten a little too serious at some point.  At the end, I went to ask the children some questions to see if they understood what I had been saying. 

I asked, "So, what is the most important thing?"

Jersey #2 and Jersey #3 answered in unison, "Never trust a plastic hippo!"

Then, they busted out laughing at the fact that they both had the same thought.  I was completely floored.  They were quoting a recent Veggie Tales movie.  They thought they were hilarious.  I was immediately reminded that 1) I had gotten too serious for their level of understanding, 2) these children clearly belong to The Referee (who also quotes movies in humorous ways), and 3) that response was quite funny!

That became the running joke with the kids for the rest of the week.  We had a good time, and they learned a lot about serving others and sharing the Good News about God's Love.

I learned a lot that week too.  Most of the time, my lessons are about patience and control.

I like control.  I do not like to be patient.

Unfortunately, the series of crisis and tragedies and such in my life through the years has left me with a lack of desire for control, and a lack of luster for trying to get my way, which I liken to patience.  

With the current state of my life this year, I am pretty much resolved that I am not in control.  Since I can't plan a moment of my life right now, I am completely patient and waiting for God's next move.  I don't necessarily like it this way, but I accept it for what it is.

While we were on this mission trip, I tried to be mindful of patience and control.  I was working with other adults, some I had just met, and most of us were new to each other and each other's styles.  This mission trip itself is usually full of adventure, so going with the flow is a helpful way to be.

I was trying so hard to not try to control things, that I almost missed a time when I needed to take control.  I had a doubt about one of the crafts that was planned for the week.  Initially I tried to tell myself that I should not say anything, so that I did not come across as trying to be in charge of the crafts, and did not hurt anyone's feelings.  I was so unsettled about it, that I finally just took the example to the group and asked their opinion about my concerns.  The other adults immediately set me straight about why my concerns were valid.  They also offered up a list of relevant craft ideas that would better replace it.  The mission director went so far as to tell me that he would not want that craft on the van with him when he was driving the kids home, because it would be unsafe.  It was eye-opening to me to realize that I was spending so much time trying to show that I was not trying to control the situation, that I almost failed to advocate for safety.  

I took a step back, and let my mission teammate put her craft ideas into place and lead the kids during craft time.  The day she had to handle everything solo (because I had to take care of my ill Jersey #4), my friend clued in on some other areas of weakness in our mission program.  Some of the folks had different expectations.  Others were fatigued.  Others needed some direction.  She and I chatted about these things, I explained how such situations were handled on past trips, and we brainstormed some solutions for this trip.  Still, I let her take the lead in bringing up suggestions or making changes.  I was being extremely careful to not be controlling whatsoever.   

In my past, I have been so controlling in my take-charge approach to things, that I just bowled through folks, knocking them out of my way along the way.  I have enough experience now to know that is not a good way to work with others.  But, apparently, I have been taking things to the opposite extreme, and failing to lead for fear of being too controlling.  I had no idea I had gone so far.  I thought I was being a good team player, and not making waves.

On the last day of our trip, I made waves.

When push came to shove, I had to stand up for what was right.  

One of the teen girls brought her 1-year old nephew with her to class.  She was given instructions to leave her own class and help him participate with the youngest class group.  She was willing to follow these instructions.

I overheard her being told that the baby could not stay.  I moved closer to learn more about what was going on.  Her teacher approached me and asked me what I would do in that situation.  At first, I tried to gently explain that the little boy could either go to the younger class, and the teen girl could join him, or vice versa, and he could attend her class with her.  This is how we handled such things in the past.  When I was told what the teacher of the younger class had already stated that he was too young for her class, I no longer held my tongue.  I remarked that it was an unfortunate response, and that we never turn children away.  When I saw teen teacher's eyes go wide, I knew I was being too forceful, so I tried to ease up.  I offered the solution that I would keep the baby with me, so that the teen girl could go to her class.  I would let him work on crafts, and see what other activities he was interested in.  If the baby had any trouble, I would bring him to her.  The teen and her teacher were very pleased with that solution.  I scooped that little guy in my arms, and braced myself for any confrontation about him being too young for the program.  No one dared to challenge me.  I made it quite clear to anyone who would listen, that we do not turn away children! 

And, then I enjoyed some time with this little cutie who could not yet talk, but who could point and squeal with delight over everything.  He loved stickers, applesauce, and the balls that dipped into the water for game time.  He had a blast during his very first day of Vacation Bible School.

        

My Pastor made a point to share with me that the baby's father thanked him for us allowing the child to be part of our program that day.  I felt validated that I had taken a stand, and it ended well.

But, I still carried guilt about the 'conflict' I perceived with the mission team member who initially wanted to turn him away.  I was trying so hard to get along with everyone and not cause drama.  It did not take me long to revert to my bossy ways, like in my past.  Granted, there was no argument or anything like that.  We did not even discuss the matter with each other at all, but I was poised for an argument, if one came up.  I did not insist the child be in her class if she was uncomfortable with it, but I totally took control and made sure he was not turned away....and made sure that his teen Aunt could continue in her class that was making such an impact on her life this summer.  I was really unsettled with myself in how I handled the situation, because I am trying so hard to love others with the love of Christ, and I felt I had failed in this area when I became bossy and dominate in my solution. 

In church that following Sunday, my Pastor preached a sermon about the importance of children's ministries.  He made an example out of me.  He shared the Bible stories about how Jesus encouraged the children to be brought to Him, when the disciples wanted to turn them away.  Then, Pastor shared the story about how I refused to let this toddler boy be turned away from our Vacation Bible School program in the Navajo Nation.

I was so preoccupied with whether or not my response was disagreeable and causing drama with other members of our mission team, that I completely missed the fact that my stance that no child should be turned away from our program, followed biblical teaching, and was honoring to God.  Here I thought I was burdening my Pastor with conflict on a mission trip, and it turned out he supported me.   

New lesson learned.  But, I am still wrapping my mind around it.  The take-charge-with-a-passion personality trait I possess can be a good thing.  It should not be used to make everyone do what I think is best.  But, it is not the shameful burden that I have come to view it.  

There are times and places where I am going to be called to take a stand and advocate for another, un-apologetically, for God's purpose.  I was given this trait for a reason, and God doesn't make mistakes. 

Whoa!  I did not see that one coming.

I was spending so much time, giving all of my effort, trying to make sure that I was not showing any level of controlling behavior, yet I was falling short.  I had my eyes on myself, and not on God.  

I've got a lot to learn.        

Blessed With Hotdogs

I did not reach out for help this past week, as I was enduring the worst week of my life.

But, help was plentiful all week long.

God is SO Good!

It started with my Mom giving me money for gas for my travels to her house.  I was really short on funds, and trying to make ends meet until the next payday.  I knew I could ask my parents for gas money, and they would generously give.  My Mom continues to tell me to let her know if I need anything.  I thought about asking.  I really questioned if I was to that point that I should ask for a hand-out or not.

I decided to not ask.  I decided to pray for guidance.  I knew that God would provide for my needs.  What I did not know is if I was the point of "need" yet, or was I just wanting to be comfortable and not worry about my bank account going empty.  I tried to calculate if I had remembered all of my expenses for the upcoming week, or was I forgetting about something.  I filled my van with gas, and took the trip, hoping that I had all of my bases covered until payday.  

I arrived at my Mom's house and found an envelope on the guest bedroom dresser that was labeled as "gas money" for me.  God provided for my needs, through my parents, and I did not even have to ask.  I did remember to say thank you.  I was touched by their generosity.  That money filled my tank again, giving me enough gas to return home and also to visit the Youth Ranch twice during the week.

Next, came cash from my sister.  She had a garage sale, and sold a desk that I had previously given to her.  Even though I no longer owned the desk, she gave me the money for it because she said it was mine.  I took that money, and the change I had in my change bank, and made a deposit, to put my mind at ease in case an expense came up during the week.  

Next came the dryer part.  My dryer was trying to break down.  A friend and his wife came over Monday evening to fix it.  He told me in advance that he had a part for it, but if the part was not necessary, he could return it easily.  I was nervous about the expense of fixing the dryer.  I was prepared to make the tough decision about whether or not to fix it, based on the cost of repair.  I was also willing to ask my friend if I could pay him back on Friday, which was payday.  It turned out that the part was needed, and it fixed up the dryer nicely.  My friend told me that I owed him absolutely nothing for parts or services, and that expense was already covered by someone else.  I have no idea if he paid for it himself, or if he was referring to a third party helping me out.  It was too vague, but I was grateful.  What a relief to not have a big repair expense.  In addition, my friend ran to the store and bought 2 bulbs to replace my security light in the front of my house.  

While I was sitting at the dining table, talking with my friend's wife while he fixed the dryer, I glanced over and noticed $5 sticking out of the bag that my sister had brought me.  I was puzzled because I thought I put the money she gave me for the desk into the bank.  I did not realize there was $5 still left in the bag.  How nice it was to have some cash on hand in my pocket.  How nice it really was when Jersey #1 ripped her swim cap during her meet Tuesday morning, and I had the $5 to buy her a replacement cap!  

The Lord will provide for all of our needs...   

Tuesday morning, I gathered up all the water bottles and random snacks I could find to keep the kids fed during the swim meet.  I had just enough items to keep them content, but nothing near what I normally have in stock.  I tossed the ingredients for Chili into the crockpot before we left that morning, so that I could assure the kids that there was a big meal waiting for them for lunch at home.  I had to say no to the request to join the swim team out for lunch after the meet.  There was no budget for a meal out.  

While we were at the meet, I received an email from my Pastor, asking if I could send out a reminder about the church potluck BBQ for the 4th of July.  It said to bring hot dogs, hamburgers, and side dishes.  My mind raced as I went over the contents of my fridge and pantry.  I had foods for making meals to get us through the week...chilli and enchiladas, for example....but I did not account for picnic or potluck BBQ foods.  What in the world was I going to bring?  (Now, I know that it would have been perfectly acceptable to show up to the church picnic without a dish to share.  Our loving church family would have been just fine with that.)  I tried to calculate my bank account from the top of my head to see if I had enough to buy some hotdogs or something cheap like that to bring.  Ugh!  I was going to have to look at the details at home, because I could not come up with a good solution, from the top of my head, right there at the swim meet.

As I was leaving the meet, I received a phone call from a friend.  Since I was in the midst of loading up the kids and the cooler and such, I did not answer.  My friend left a message that said I needed to let her know when I would be home, because the items she wanted to bring me could not be left out in the heat. I was expecting a bucket from her, but could not remember what else she was bringing me.  Since she is getting ready to move, it could really be anything.  I texted her back that I was heading home, and she could come over in an hour, and I would be there.

My friend showed up at my house with a 4th of July goody basket for me and the kids!  It was the coolest thing.  In addition to the bucket she had told me she was giving me, she had it filled with glow sticks, a cartoon movie, squirt guns, mandarin oranges, lemonade, hot dogs, and buns.  She was so excited to bring it to me, knowing that I was going to be having a tough week.  She wanted to do something nice for me.  Her husband suggested she get me a gift card, but she said I would only spend it on the kids.  Her friend suggested a movie-night themed gift basket, and that idea morphed into the 4th of July themed basket instead.  She could hardly wait for me to get home so she could bring it over.  I was flattered.  I was blessed.  I was touched.

But, what struck me the most was the hot dogs.  I shared with her how I had forgotten about the church picnic and did not include potluck foods in my budget this week.  I told her how I was racking my brain trying to figure out how I could scrounge up enough cash to buy some hot dogs or something to take.  I told her that I knew this was a God-thing, because how else would she know that I needed some hot dogs?  We both were amused when it suddenly dawned on her that she had brought me 2 packages of buns, but 3 packages of hot dogs.  She apologized for the miscalculation.  I started laughing and told her that the funny thing was that I actually had 1 package of hot dog buns in my freezer, but did not have any hot dogs to go with it.  

What a blessing to have plenty of picnic foods to bring to the church picnic.  Plus, all the kids loved the glow sticks and squirt guns.  Since risk of fire was such a danger that night, the glow sticks made great night-time fun on the 4th of July.  


God is SO Good!



Babysitting was another need this past week, and God provided.  Our regular babysitters were out of town for the week, and I did not realize it at first.  After they did not respond to my messages, I caught a clue.  I was not sure how I was going to find someone to babysit, even for lunch, on the 4th of July holiday.  Much to my surprise, a young lady from church was off work that day, and willing to come over and watch my kids.  Plus, she was willing to let me pay her when I saw her at church on Sunday (after payday), instead of that day.  (Actually, she was willing to babysit for free, but I didn't want her to do that.)

I also needed a sitter for Jersey #5 on Friday, because the older kids and I were scheduled to volunteer at a food bank.  Children had to be at least 6 years old, for insurance reasons.  Thankfully, I was able to contact a friend from church who was more than willing to have Jersey #5 over at her house all morning. I thought her daughter was at camp all week, which was why I hesitated to ask her to babysit.  But, it turned out the daughter was home already, and they were happy to have a tiny tot around to bring them some laughter after a tough week at their house.  It is such a relief to have such kind and loving people be willing to watch my kids when the need arises.

We were scheduled to work out at the Youth Ranch twice this past week too.  I thought it would do me some good to keep busy, but really I exhausted myself all week, when I was already emotionally exhausted from grief, in the first place.  So, it turned out to be a foolish idea to keep busy all week.  I did not want to fall short on my offer to work at the Ranch.  Thankfully, God took care of me there too.  I am usually asked to water trees or lead an activity, where I am with the crowd of visitors.  Out of the blue, Cowboy Max asked me to 'supervise' a junior volunteer who would be doing a task in the corral with the horses.  For safety reasons, he wanted an adult to be present while she worked.  Even though she had plenty of experience, someone needed to be available to get help if she needed it.  So, my job at the Ranch was to hang out and look like an adult.  That gave me lots of quiet time to think and no pressure to be real social and outgoing (which was something that I just did not have the energy for anyway).  Yet, I "looked" like I was helping and serving at the Ranch, and I was giving Jersey #1 an opportunity to work in the Junior Volunteer Program.  I still can't believe how well that worked out, when I thought I was going to totally tank on my commitment.  

I was dreading the 4th of July this year.  It was my 14th Anniversary, and I am estranged from my husband.  Plus, it is a holiday that our church tends to celebrate with a big social gathering.  It is not easy to be social when you are grieving a loss.  I had previously considered the idea of asking my husband if he would like to go out for a meal for our anniversary, but I did not have the funds to offer.  So, I had let the idea go.  Much to my surprise, my husband asked me if I wanted to go out to dinner to commemorate our anniversary!  He told me that he had been thinking about it, and it seemed that 14 years of marriage, and our 20 years together really should be recognized.  When I told him that was exactly what I was wanting to do this year, but I did not have any money to pull it off, he assured me that he would cover the cost.  What a treat!  I was able to enjoy a lunch date with my husband, and commemorate the fact that we are still married.  I was thrilled to actually reach another anniversary.  It has been a long year already, and a tough year at that.  So, taking the time to acknowledge where we were and where we are now, was great.  I enjoyed every minute of it.  The restaurant was nice.  The food was great.  The conversation was good.  I even enjoyed a laugh.  Coincidentally, it was the same restaurant that we dined at for our 13th anniversary, right after we had gone for massages, for the first time ever.  We were certainly in a different mindset a year ago, but it was so wonderful to see just how far we have come up from darkness and tragedy.

I thank God for that opportunity to take a breather like that, in the midst of this long journey we appear to be on.  I was at peace with the current state of my marriage and family.


It was even nice to be able to go to the church BBQ, and not feel sad or tearful.  Instead, I enjoyed the company and enjoyed celebrating the holiday with friends.  


As if the blessings were not plentiful enough all week long, my sister emailed me to suggest that she could bring Jersey #4 back from Granny & PawPaw's house, and take Jersey #3 in return.  I was planning to take that trip, but she took it for me because she was already coming to town.  It actually was our youngest sister's idea that she transport the grandkids like that.  It had not dawned on either of us that she could do the transport since she was coming to town anyway.  It all worked out beautifully.  I was able to see my sister, brother-in-law, and nephews, and I did not have to make a road trip to exchange kids with their grandparents.  That gave me more flexibility to go to the grocery store on payday, and have plenty of snacks and drinks on hand for Saturday's swim meet.  


By the end of the week, my perspective and my attitude were completely changed.  It was a major overhaul.  Every single detail of my life was handled, and not by me.  Every item that I thought about and tried to figure out in my own strength, was taken care of fully, even though I did not say a word.


I even found rest when swim practice was canceled due to lightning one night.  I told the kids that we were going to bed early that night, and I would start fresh earlier the next morning.  What a difference to get a good night's rest like that!


My Pastor told me that the friend who fixed my dryer had talked to him, so he already knew the dryer needed to be fixed.  He told me that next time, I should tell him when I have a need like that.  He said the same thing about the gravestone.  At the time I was talking about the gravestone, I told him that it was a personal desire, not a true need, so I didn't bring it up.  With the dryer, I had reached a point of deciding that I was just going to make due with what I had, and not expect to have more than I do.  I was not in the mindset of fixing it.  I was in the mindset of how can I get laundry dry anyway.  I have let go of my expectations for my life.  I have let go of my entitlements.  I am trying to stay focused on God, and living my life to serve Him.

Even though I know that my friends and family will help me with food and finances, so my basic needs will always be met, I do not find it necessary to ask for help right now.  Instead, I am waiting on God.  He supplies all of my needs, in His perfect timing.  He knows all of my needs without me even having to ask.  He knows my thoughts.  He knows my desires.  My prayer is that I will be aware of His guidance and direction for my life, and that I will live in such a way that is honoring to Him.

And weeks like this past week where I was too grieved to function, I simply put one foot in front of the other to keep moving forward, and God took care of everything....even the hot dogs.

God is SO Good!
 


            

Adultery Looks Appealing

"Dying to yourself may mean that you selflessly love a spouse who has cheated you out of a marriage you so desperately wanted."   
---Kyle Idleman, not a fan.

Never in a million years did I ever consider the idea that my marriage would fail.

I don't quit.  So, failure is not an option.

Knowing that The Referee came from a broken home, with no example of how to keep a relationship strong enough to go the distance, I insisted that he seriously consider the fact that I believe marriage is forever, as God designed.  I was not playing games.  When our dating relationship became more serious, I suggested that we study and learn how to work through dysfunctional habits and work toward healthy ones.  I was very pleased at the way The Referee took my beliefs seriously.  We studied.  We talked.  We learned.  We grew.  He even pursued other resources to help him work through some past emotional wounds.  He proved to me that he loved me so much that he was willing to go the distance just to marry me.

I had full confidence in us.

The first time he had a breakdown and decided to walk out on his entire life, I did not take it as a mental health situation, I took it as a personal rejection.  (It was easy to take it personally, since his anger and justifications for his unhappiness blamed me).  

It shook me to the core to realize that he could single-handedly alter my life so dramatically, and for the worst.

I learned a very powerful truth about marriage that day.  I learned that my husband could choose a course of action that would directly affect my life, and I do not even get a vote in the matter.  

Marriage is a leap of faith.

We are trusting that our spouse will conduct themselves in a manner that is respectful of the relationship, and committed to the marriage.

When we attempted marriage counseling with a certified counselor, she made a quick comment during the first session that really bothered me. 

"It takes two to tango."


It is a common saying.  It implies that marriage problems are not a result of one person.  Both spouses are required to make a marriage work, and both spouses are responsible for its demise.


In my head I was thinking that sure it takes two to make the marriage work, but really it only takes one to quit and ruin it.


I was willing to go the distance.  Through the good times and the bad times.  Six months ago, my husband decided that he wanted out of the marriage, and away from our family life.  Some call it a breakdown.  I took it personal.  His rage and blame were clearly directed at me.  Since then, he has gained some new perspective.  He no longer blames me.  He apologized.  He tells me it is not personal.    


I feel completely cheated out of the marriage I wanted.  I am angry that when I took my marriage vows, I was saying "until death do we part," and apparently my husband was saying, "until I change my mind and decide to quit."


Rejection hurts us to the core.  It breaks our hearts.  It damages our self worth.  


Well-meaning friends suggested I take legal action with a vengeance.  It is our nature to want to take justice into our own hands.


Instead, I choose to live by God's Word.


God hates divorce.


Ok.  I am not pursuing divorce, but now what?  Do I throw a pity party?  Do I wait?  Do I pray for reconciliation?  Do I try to fix it?


I do not want to be a doormat.  I do not want to be treated like a second class citizen.


Many folks start dating right away.  Some start even before the divorce is final.  When a person remarries right after the divorce, it is fairly safe to assume that they were dating in the midst.  Having someone else pay attention to you and treat you like you are special, helps take away the sting of rejection from the one who discarded you.  


Adultery looks so appealing.


Falling in love is fun.  It sounds so nice to seek someone who is willing to love you.  


I do not want to be alone for the rest of my life.  I want a companion to "do life" with.


I poured out these thoughts and desires to God, in prayer.  I just could not see why this was happening to me, or how to stop it.  I tried looking for a way that divorce and remarriage would be acceptable.  


I was not prepared for the answer.


As I grow in my relationship with Christ, I am trying to let go of my entitlements and live a life that is honoring to God.  That is not easy.  Being a completely committed follower requires sacrifice.  


I am required to honor my marriage vows.  Those vows were made to my husband and to God.  We stood before family and friends to make it public, and to celebrate our union.  


I have heard marriage described as a covenant between 3 people:  husband, wife, and God.


My parents have a poster on the wall of their home that says, "The closer we come to God, the closer we are to each other."  The idea is that if the 3-way relationship is a triangle, and both spouses have their eyes on Christ, they are coming closer to each other, because they are approaching a single apex of the triangle.


As I pondered that image, it dawned on me that it really does take two to tango.  


Two:  me + God.    Currently, that is who is holding this marriage together.


Regardless of what the legal system says about my marital status (which it doesn't say anything different, because we have not yet filed any dissolution of marriage paperwork), and regardless of where we each take up residence, I will always be married to my husband in the eyes of God, who joined us together.  Until death do we part... 

Therefore they are no more two, but one flesh. 

What therefore God has joined together, 

let not man put asunder.  ---Matthew 19:6

Regardless of what our marriage looks like on paper, or what it looks like in the Christmas card photo, we are still married.  I am still responsible to behave as a wife is instructed to behave, according to the Bible.  The behavior of my husband does not change my role as a wife.  He will answer to God for his actions.  I will answer to God for my actions.  Two wrongs will not make it right. 


That hardly seems fair here on Earth.  I want revenge.  I want justice.  I want to be loved.  I want my own happiness.


Well, Jesus never said it was going to be easy.  Quite the contrary, He said following Him required taking up a cross.  Ouch!  


Justice will be served in eternity.


Here on Earth, I am called to obey God's Word, and honor my marriage vows.  I am to respect my husband.  I am to love selflessly.  I am to be faithful.


(Thankfully, there is no place in the Bible that says I have to be a doormat!)  Love and respect strengthen my integrity, not lessen it.  My self worth is high when I see myself as God sees me.  God Loves Me.


It is not easy to let go of my anger.  It is not easy to let go of my bitterness.  It is not easy to let go of my desire to pursue companionship.  It is not easy to let go of my entitlement.  It is not easy when I am trying to do those things on my own.


It is actually easy when my eyes are fixed on Christ, and I am focused on living a life that is pleasing to Him.


Adultery is appealing.  There is a large temptation to seek love again.


But, I must remember that I am a married woman.  I took a vow for a lifetime.


I am purposefully taking steps to distance myself from the temptation.  I wear my wedding ring.  I do not go out to venues filled with single men.  I do not flirt.  I do not conduct myself in any way that implies I am available for a romantic relationship.  I do not even spend time watching romantic movies that will encourage me to focus on what I am missing.  I focus on raising my kids, and keep busy with their activities.  I surround myself with the Word of God:  Bible study, prayer, Christian music, church worship services and activities.  


I lead a full life so that the thoughts of adulterous behavior do not grow within me.  Considering the temptation is the first step down a slippery slope.    


The truth about what is right and what is wrong is there.  


I am making a conscious choice to walk in the truth.


The truth sets me free from the burden of sin.