Yesterday was a challenging day because it was filled with some emotions of grief.
Psychologists have defined an entire grief cycle that people go through. They say everyone goes through the cycle, only at different paces. Some folks go round and round many times. Some gets stuck in one category or another, for a while. It is all very interesting in a cerebral sense.
From an emotional perspective, I have found that my Mom's advice holds the truest for me. Early on after the death of my daughter, Mom mentioned that the intense, pain of the grief will lessen over time so that is does not feel as overwhelming. But, she cautioned, there will be triggers throughout life that will take me right back to the moment as if it just happened. Those triggers often arrive out of the blue, and the depth of the emotion often makes me gasp.
My morning started with a funeral. An elderly member of our church passed away this week. She left behind the sweetest, most committed husband I have ever seen. Our family wanted to show our love and support to him, so my husband took the morning off work, and our entire family attended the funeral. I spent the day before attempting to prepare the children for what to expect. They have been to 1 other funeral, over a year ago, but they hardly remembered the details. We talked about the service and how they had to be even quieter than they are in church. We talked about how it is Ok to cry when you see someone else cry (Jersey #1 is very sensitive to that, just like her Mom). We talked about comforting others who are grieving. I was not as prepared for Jersey #3's large interest in the casket, and if the person was actually in there. I did give him the opportunity to go up close and see. We talked briefly about the purpose of the casket, and why the woman was wearing her jewelry. I am amused by the details that children question. I moved the kids onward toward the family, and emphasized our role to offer comfort.
I was just amazed by how well the kids conducted themselves. My husband complimented me on the way I managed them. He feels stressed in such tense social situations. We chatted about my decision to include the children when our family attends funerals of friends. Some folks argue that it is not appropriate and might scare the children. I think those concerns are valid objections. I take the approach that death is a natural part of life, and as a mother, I want to prepare my children for all the aspects of life that I possibly can. I am hoping that I can help my children see how to express grief and sadness, and how to comfort those who mourn. So, I include them when the funeral is for a friend of the family.
I was not suprised when their questions afterwards turned toward our experiences with the loss of our daughter, Mackenzie. The children asked if we had a funeral and if she was in a casket. I gave them a brief explanation about how we did not fully understand the purpose of a funeral at the time of her death, so we did not have one. I also explained that I had not considered our town to be "home" at the time, so we did not bury her. I still have her ashes in my possession. I then explained to them that I would want to have a funeral if we had to face the death of a family member in the future. I shared with them that throughout life we are going to all have a loved one die. Some deaths are sudden and some are expected, but everyone dies eventually. The celebration of death is that we get to go to heaven and see Jesus, and live a perfect life in eternity! I reminded them of ways we can comfort others who are dealing with the loss of a loved one, such as attending the funeral, sending flowers, making cards, giving hugs, and taking over a meal. I informed them that the days eventually get easier to manage and it is important to remember that life is for the living. It is best to live life to the fullest, instead of dwelling on a loss. We ended the topic with the excitement of going out to lunch as a family, in celebration of Jersey #1's birthday.
Whew! That went well. I reflected over the morning, pleased that I had grown through the grief to the point of being able to teach the children. I've come a long way. Plus, lunch was fantastic!
But, later that afternoon, I was stunned to experience two emails that sent me to separate ends of my emotions. The first was an email inviting me to a baby shower of a friend. That seemed simple enough....Until I saw on the invitation that the couple is naming their daughter, McKenzie.
Whoa! That one caused my heart to skip a beat. I calmed myself and realized my reaction was entirely emotional and out of order. Their choice had nothing to do with me. It is a pretty name. I have also come across other girls named Mackenzie, and hearing their name does not halt my tracks anymore. I am not sure why reading that email had such an effect. Maybe it was because I was already so hyped up on death for the day. I chalked it off as a trigger and moved on.
The second email sent me into a joyous excitement. A friend announced that she is expecting again. This friend has 3 living children, but has buried 2 infants. (Her son's funeral was the one our family attended over a year ago). I am praying that she finds joy in life again, with the life of this little one growing inside her womb. I remember how my own grief was eased with the live birth of Jersey #1. I also remember the debilitating fear through that pregnancy. Her email certainly triggered a lot of memories of my own life experiences.
I took the time to send a reply email offering my congratulations and supporting her concerns. I let her know I would be praying for her. Comfort and support are such crucial gifts as we endure the hardships in life.
I am thinking that focusing on offering comfort to another, helps move me out of those grief-trigger halts that pop up out of the blue. It is not healthy to stop in my tracks and focus on past pains. I keep moving forward because life is for the living.
