Even If The Healing Doesn't Come

I heard a song on the radio recently that rocked my world.

The group is Kutless.

The song is "Even If The Healing Doesn't Come"

Now, I will admit that I am not musically talented.  I don't have rhythm.  I can't hear/carry a tune.  I can't sing.  I do not play a musical instrument.  I can't even clap on beat.  So, I am unqualified to evaluate the music itself.

It was the words that gripped me.

I usually like a song, based on its lyrics.  My favorite songs are the ones that tell a story or have a great point.

I tuned in to this song when I heard the first few lines to the chorus:

Even if the healing doesn't come 

And life falls apart 

And dreams are still undone 

I was immediately convicted.

My family is not healed.  My marriage relationship is not healed.  My life is a mess right now.  My dreams are not accomplished.  It is as if the chorus of that song was written from my own thoughts and insecurities.

But, the next few lines put it all into perspective:

You are God You are good 

Forever faithful One 

Even if the healing 

Even if the healing doesn't come

The lessons from church camp rang through my head.  I remember the evangelist saying, "It may not all work out for your personal benefit."  He was explaining how God's ways are higher than our ways.  God has a plan, for sure, but it does not mean that the lives of Christians are going to be great (while here on Earth).  

I admit that I have been struggling.  I have not written a blog post in a while.  I could easily blame it on being too busy.  I can also blame it on being too overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions that I could not write clearly.  

It has taken me this long to accept that my marriage is over.

Technically, we have been living as if we are divorced all year, without actually making the divorce legal.  My husband has moved out.  He has visitation with the children.  All interaction is business-like, to discuss the children and the finances.  He has no intention of returning home, or restoring our marriage or our family.  He does not wear his wedding ring.  He does not consider us a couple.  He has full support of his mother and brothers, who encourage him to divorce me.  They do not value marriage.

I do value marriage.

Marriage is one of my core values.

I made a point to prepare myself that marriage is forever.  Through thick and thin, failure was not an option.  I insisted that my soon-to-be-husband heard me clearly that if he was going to commit to marrying me, that I was serious that it had to be forever.

Unfortunately, his commitment was not genuine.  He does not value marriage.  He is choosing to continue the legacy of divorce and broken family that his parents established.  

The first time he had a mental breakdown and walked out on his life, I was shattered.  I could not believe that my entire life could be altered by someone else, and I did not even get a vote.  It took me a while to accept that reality.

This time around, I am not shocked that it can happen.  I have been having such a hard time accepting it though.

Months ago, a friend suggested I was having a hard time because marriage was one of my core values.  I did not process her wise words well enough at that time.

Lately, I have been process the details of my life, but I am still struggling.

I sought counsel with my Pastor who put it bluntly when he told me I was feeling shattered to the core.  My marriage has completely failed, regardless of the preparation I did to prevent it, and regardless of my wishes.  I do not get a say here.  It doesn't matter how much I value marriage, my husband is ripping that core right out of my being.  

(It reminds me of the video game Mortal Kombat, where the winning character reaches into the losing opponent and rips their beating heart right out of their chest, and holds it up overhead.  I always thought that graphic was disgusting.  Oh how many times did I watch my husband play that video game, while we were dating, and had no clue it was a picture of what he would later do to our marriage.) 

The confession that came out as I was speaking with my Pastor is that my Faith is shaken right now.  That scares me.

I have been through numerous levels of crisis in my life (and I honestly think losing a child is the worst one possible), and yet my Faith has been intact, and actually able to grow.  But, this divorce crisis has really done a number on me.  I have been questioning everything I believe, everything that I think, and everything that I am.  It has been really hard to go to church.  I have been thinking that if I am such a failure as a Christian...because I have been completely rejected as a wife, even though I valued marriage so much...then maybe I don't belong in church.  Maybe God doesn't like me either.     

Pastor encouraged me that my Faith is shaken right now, but it is not shattered.

Just like the song says, I have to set my faith in the knowledge of who God is.  

So we set our faith in who You are

Even though You reign high above us

You tenderly love us

We know Your heart

And we rest in who You are

As the fog of doubts starts to clear, I see that I have been making marriage an idol.  Marriage is referenced so often in Christian teaching, and is very important.  But, I had made it too important.  Just like every other thing in my life that I valued too much....medical school, babies, finances, a big house...this idol is being ripped away from me.  I am being forced to pick myself up and move forward without it.

I am being forced to decide if I will trust God, even if I lose this desire of my heart.

Once again, I am answering YES.

My Pastor was correct.  My Faith is not broken by a failed marriage.  My husband rejects me, but God still loves me.

I continue to pray for a miracle.

But I know God is Good...

Even if the healing doesn't come.

Even If--Kutless

Songwriters: WOOD, TONY / KRIPPAYNE, SCOTT

Sometimes all we have to hold on to 

Is what we know is true of who You are 

So when the heartache hits like a hurricane 

That could never change who You are 

And we trust in who You are 

Even if the healing doesn't come 

And life falls apart 

And dreams are still undone 

You are God You are good 

Forever faithful One 

Even if the healing 

Even if the healing doesn't come 

Lord we know your ways are not our ways 

So we set our faith in who You are 

Even though You reign high above us 

You tenderly love us 

We know Your heart 

And we rest in who You are 

You're still the Great and Mighty One 

We trust You always 

You're working all things for our good 

We'll sing your praise 

You are God and we will bless You 

As the Good and Faithful One 

You are God and we will bless You 

Even if the healing doesn't come 

Ring In The New Year

The party's over here!

One way that I decided I would help us cope with the stress of our broken family, is to seek opportunities to have more fun and enjoyment, especially for the holidays.  

We started with ringing in the new year in style.

I picked up some junk food at the store.  The kids opened the Disney Karaoke Wii game they received for Christmas.  We ate.  We sang.  We laughed.  We had a blast.

My previous efforts of having the kids help me with baking paid off.  The older kids wanted to try baking something on their own.  I stayed at the table and supervised their efforts (especially to make sure there were no egg shells in the batter).

Jersey #2 made a batch of brownies...

Jersey #3 made a strawberry cake with chocolate frosting...

Jersey #5 sampled all of the snacks and dips...

Jersey #1 thought she was being sneaky and singing karaoke while the rest of us baked, but I managed to sneak a picture of her in action...

Jersey #4 cracked me up.  After she was done singing a song, I complimented her on her beautiful voice.  She took a bow and said, "Thank you ladies and gentlemen, from the next singer at church."

I had no idea she aspired to sing at church, like her big sister.  Too cute.

I decided to join in the fun and sang to the top of my lungs.  Even though the game gave me 5 stars, my kids told me that my singing attempt proved that I really can't sing very well.  

It is true.

It is safe to say that I will NOT be singing with the praise team at church!

Christmas Music

MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM THE HOME TEAM!

Our Christmas morning was made sweeter by Jersey #2 performing a music special at church.

She has been taking piano lessons for a few months now.  Her piano teacher gave her a couple simple Christmas carols to learn to play this month.  Jersey #2 was inspired to practice and practice, after our Pastor suggested she could play one of her songs for the church during the Christmas morning service.  

Jersey #2 has been a bit jealous that her older sister sings with the praise and worship team.  So, she jumped at the chance to share some of her musical talent too.

I captured a short video, of most of the song:  "We Three Kings"

Church Service Blessings

Today, one of the children's Sunday School classes provided the praise and worship music during the morning worship service at church. Jersey #1 and Jersey #2 were part of this group. Jersey #2 sang at top volume. The kids also took turns reciting Bible verses between songs. It was beautiful.

I smiled.

I cried.

I took pictures.

I thanked God for such a blessing and an answer to prayer.


When Jersey #1 was only a preschooler, I admired some of the musically-talented families in church, and loved the ways they were able to praise God with their talents. I have no musical talent whatsoever. But, I wanted my children to have the experience of standing before the church congregation, and sharing music in praise to God. Just in case any of the kids end up having some sort of musical talent, I wanted them to at least have the comfort of knowing how to share that talent. There was no way they were going to learn from example from me. I worried about how my lack of ability might hinder my kids from being able to share their potential ability. God fills in where I fall short.

Once again, the desires of my heart were given to me.

The Sunday school teacher decided to have the children learn some praise songs and perform them for the church. It was her idea. She coordinated the entire thing. She had no idea this was a desire of mine, from at least 5 years ago.

For a few months now, the children have been practicing their Bible verses and songs. We play the CD every time we are in the car. They sing to the top of their lungs. I love it.

Today was the big day. The entire class stood before the church and sang. It was beautiful.

My heart is overflowing with joy at this wonderful gift I have been given.