Domestic Christmas

Christmas has not even arrived yet, and I am already blessed with the most amazing gifts.

A few months ago, The Referee took a second job that may end up becoming a new career opportunity in the future.  For now, it is a means to bring in some extra income to reduce our debt.  Since he knew he would be working a ton of hours, and not able to visit very often, he encouraged the kids by telling them that we would take a portion of his earnings and pick a nicer Christmas gift this year.  The kids have their eyes on DS handheld systems, and tablets.  I saw the opportunity to get a Kitchen Aide mixer.

My sister bought a Kitchen Aide mixer a couple years ago, and loved it.  I could not swing the expense at the time, but I have been listening to her positive comments about how nice it is.  I have scoped them out each year when they go on sale.  This year, I was able to take advantage of a Black Friday sale and get a red mixer that matches my kitchen.  Merry Christmas to me!  

Since they wanted me to do some pre-Christmas baking, The Referee and the kids offered that I could open my present early this year.  We joked that we could just put the empty box under the tree, and I will act surprised.  The first item I made with my new mixer was a batch of brownies for Jersey #1's class party.  Brownies are my favorite dessert, so that was perfect too.

The Christmas gift I was not expecting arrived this evening.

I went out to my van after church, and discovered a cute gift basket filled with home-made laundry detergent, fabric softener, and cleaning products.  

A friend had mentioned she was putting something in my van, just before church began, and I did not give it much thought.  I had items in the back of my van that I was going to be transferring to another friend that night too.

I was sitting at a table with  a group of ladies, talking about my big project to clean and organize my house before the New Year.  We were engaged in a lovely discussion about trying to keep a house clean when we have kids around to build up clutter.  In the midst of our conversation, the topic of home-made laundry soap popped up.  That was something I had been meaning to try out a year ago.  I had even started collecting my empty laundry detergent containers to store it in.  (Then tragedy struck my life and any project that was more than basic survival was dismissed).  

Jersey #2 had been helping me conquer the mountain of laundry this week.  She has been telling me that we are almost out of detergent and need to go to the store.  That got me thinking I really need to look into the homemade detergent idea again.

So, when the ladies started talking about homemade laundry detergent, fabric softener, and cleaning products, I started paying close attention.  I was drilling my friend with various questions about her methods.  After the 3rd or 4th question, she told me that a sample of the products she makes and uses....along with their recipes....was included in the items she put in my van.

Hallelujah!  

I had no idea that she was filling such a need in my life when she asked if she could put something in my van tonight.

God is SO Good!

As I looked through the basket and read over the recipes, I could not help but smile at the whole orchestration of this gift.  This goody basket that I was not even expecting was filled with the very things I have been wanting to try making myself.  They are also really good ways to cut costs in the family budget (which is also a need in my life).  I had no idea my friend made all her detergents and cleaning products, and had been using them long enough to perfect her recipes.  She had no idea these things were on my mind, because we had not discussed them before.  I had no idea she would be blessing me with this basket.  Of course, she gave me the basket before our conversation even started.  Clearly, this is a God-thing.

At this point in my life, you would think that such "coincidences" would not surprise me.  One recurring theme of this past year has been that God will supply all of my needs.  I don't even have to ask specifically.  My needs are always met.  Even in the midst of suffering, I can find comfort in the sovereignty of God, and know that He is in control of all things.  God has a plan.  It is a good one.

Considering my Christmas gifts so far, I am starting to think that there may be some domestic skills planned for my future!

Soccer

I have finally grown my own soccer team!

This fall, I signed up all 5 children to play Upward Soccer.  The league was perfect for us.  Upward is a developmental sports program, with an emphasis on good sportsmanship, so there was no pressure to win.  The fields and teams were smaller than a typical soccer program.  That made it possible for the league to run 6 fields of games at the exact same time.  It was wonderful.  The kids and I would go to the field every Saturday morning, for an hour of practice and an hour of games.  

My 5 kids were on 3 different teams.  Jersey #1 and Jersey #2 were on the same team.  Jersey #3 was on a team on his own.  Jersey #4 and Jersey #5 were on the same team, and I was their coach.  Everyone had the same uniforms, reversible red and black.  

All of the kids seemed to enjoy playing soccer.  It was a fun family activity.  Jersey #3 appears to be a natural athlete, so he picked up the sport right away and usually scored goals every game.  Jersey #1 enjoys soccer and has played a few years before.  She had a blast, and often scored a goal.  There was one game where Jersey #2 scored a goal for her team.  It was her first goal, and she was thrilled.  The last time she played soccer, we did not realize her heart was on a downward trend, and she did not enjoy running around at all.  I am glad she enjoyed this soccer season.  She has even asked to play again next year.

Jersey #4 and Jersey #5 thought soccer was fun enough.  They are not kids who run around just for the sake of running, so they complained about having to run back and forth along the field so much.  Jersey #5 wanted a snack after every quarter, and cheered when it was his turn to sit out.  Jersey #4 was pretty tough for such a petite thing.  She would take the ball away from the opposing team, and kick it.  Then, she would stop and check to make sure I saw her kick the ball.  Most of the time, this meant that she missed the next couple plays.  

From the moment I signed up all 5 kids for soccer, I knew I wanted to make our family photo a soccer team theme this year.  I waited anxiously to see what color the uniforms were.  Black and red worked great, because The Referee prefers to wear black.  I pictured the kids in uniforms, girls in red and boys in black, with me in a red shirt and The Referee in a black shirt.  I was so excited.  Unfortunately, The Referee refused to take a family photo with us this year, so my plans were ruined.  I was really disappointed about that.  I did get some great photos of me and the kids though.  I suppose that is a more accurate representation of our family this year anyway.

My sister took our family picture, and took a few different fun poses, including the kids hanging from the goal posts.  

I did learn that outdoors in the sunlight is not a good place to attempt a circle of heads photo...

I enjoyed playing soccer as a kid.  So, it was fun for me to get to see all of my children enjoying a season of soccer too.

Go Team Go!

Random

I never wanted to be a single parent.  Single motherhood is not easy, and it is not ideal.  Yet, here I am.  I try not to spend too much time worrying about all the statistics about the outcomes of children raised in broken homes.  Broken families create broken people.  It is tragic.  The Bible explains the important roles of both mother and father in raising their children.  Psychology research shows the importance of both mothers and fathers in the home, raising their children.  Prison data shows the impact of fatherless homes.  Medical journals, talk shows, schools, radio shows, magazine articles....the list goes on and on.  I know the data is out there.  It haunts me.  So, I try not to think about it very often.  If I allow myself to spend time worrying, I will quickly become overwhelmed.  I am doing all I can to give my children a stable, healthy, home environment, filled with love and joy.  But, I know it is not enough.  It will never be enough.  I will always fall short of the ideal.  My children will be affected.  They will be broken, always feeling like something was missing.  My heart aches at the thought.  So, I try to not allow myself to think about it.  I can't control it anyway.  So, instead I pray.  

I remind myself that I am blessed to be able to have this time with my children, watching them play and grow.  It is a short, swift season.  I take pictures.  Random pictures.  Trying to capture a snapshot of the joy they bring me as they laugh and play and grow...

Jersey #2 looks so cute in braids...

Food on a stick is a favorite dinner theme at church...

We even ate cake on a stick...

Jersey #5 likes dinner at church, because I let him select his own meal...

Jersey #4 demonstrates how to behave for dental cleanings.  Jersey #5 was super curious about the process.  (He did great when it was his turn too).

Dress up fun...

Jersey #3 wanted to learn how to make pancakes on the griddle.  He is becoming quite a chef, but that first pancake experience resulted in a very large mess, along with tasty pancakes...

Jersey #2 has mastered the cartwheel...

Jersey #4 is very close to being able to read a Dr. Suess book on her own.  When the kids are able to read "Green Eggs and Ham" on their own, I say that they have learned to read.  (Versus learning to read).  Jersey #4 was determined to pick a different book, and show me she could read it on her own.  She wore out about a third of the way through, and still required help.  She is getting closer.  It won't be long before she is a more independent reader...

Motherhood is a blessing.

Thanksgiving

Well, I have certainly taken a break from blogging for a while.  Life got busy.  I appear to have reached my photo limit on Picasa  so adding photos to my blog became a challenge.  I haven't been able to put things into words for a while, even though so much was happening in my thoughts.  So, I took a break.  Well, tonight, I decided to unload the pictures from my camera to my computer, and that has inspired me to update my blog.  We will see how far I get through this busy holiday season.  

Thanksgiving.

The kids and I had a great Thanksgiving holiday this year.  I was starting to get a grip on life again, and finally feeling like I was not as consumed with grief.  Dare I say I was starting to live a little, too.  My youngest sister and her family were going to be visiting our parents for a couple weeks, and our middle sister offered to host a big family Thanksgiving at her house.  The idea of getting the 3 sisters together again....along with our parents.....and the 11 grandbabies, was too exciting to miss!  Considering the youngest grandchild was born this year, this was the first time we were all going to be together.  Being the photo-loving family that we are, we planned a family photo for the occasion as well.

Everything turned out great.  I was especially spoiled.  The kids and I made the drive to my sister's house.  We did not have to prepare any food or bring anything.  She did all the cooking, with the help of both of my brothers-in-law.  We took photos before the meal, when everyone was freshly dressed and happy to be together.  The photos turned out great.  The meal was delicious.  The kids got along incredibly well.  It was a really fun time.  It was sweet to see my parents surrounded by all of their grandchildren at the same time.  

That evening, we drove to my parent's house for the night.  Then, we drove home the next morning.  (I prefer to drive during the daylight).  As I was driving, I thought about how nice this Thanksgiving was.  We made some great memories, and even cuter photos.  I would say it was one of my best Thanksgiving celebrations.

My absolute favorite Thanksgiving memory was in 2003.  Jersey #2 had just survived open-heart surgery the week before.  She was home from the hospital, we were home from California, and Jersey #1 was home from Granny & PawPaw's house.  Our family was alive, healthy, and reunited again.  Due to the high risk of germs and post surgery recovery, we stayed in isolation.  We did not invite anyone to the house, and we did not travel anywhere.  We stayed home and enjoyed a simple celebration.  We had so much to be thankful for that year.  A living, breathing, 3-month old, and her super sweet big sister were at the top of the list.  We had just endured a great roller coaster of stress and emotion, so the down time was a huge blessing.

Even If The Healing Doesn't Come

I heard a song on the radio recently that rocked my world.

The group is Kutless.

The song is "Even If The Healing Doesn't Come"

Now, I will admit that I am not musically talented.  I don't have rhythm.  I can't hear/carry a tune.  I can't sing.  I do not play a musical instrument.  I can't even clap on beat.  So, I am unqualified to evaluate the music itself.

It was the words that gripped me.

I usually like a song, based on its lyrics.  My favorite songs are the ones that tell a story or have a great point.

I tuned in to this song when I heard the first few lines to the chorus:

Even if the healing doesn't come 

And life falls apart 

And dreams are still undone 

I was immediately convicted.

My family is not healed.  My marriage relationship is not healed.  My life is a mess right now.  My dreams are not accomplished.  It is as if the chorus of that song was written from my own thoughts and insecurities.

But, the next few lines put it all into perspective:

You are God You are good 

Forever faithful One 

Even if the healing 

Even if the healing doesn't come

The lessons from church camp rang through my head.  I remember the evangelist saying, "It may not all work out for your personal benefit."  He was explaining how God's ways are higher than our ways.  God has a plan, for sure, but it does not mean that the lives of Christians are going to be great (while here on Earth).  

I admit that I have been struggling.  I have not written a blog post in a while.  I could easily blame it on being too busy.  I can also blame it on being too overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions that I could not write clearly.  

It has taken me this long to accept that my marriage is over.

Technically, we have been living as if we are divorced all year, without actually making the divorce legal.  My husband has moved out.  He has visitation with the children.  All interaction is business-like, to discuss the children and the finances.  He has no intention of returning home, or restoring our marriage or our family.  He does not wear his wedding ring.  He does not consider us a couple.  He has full support of his mother and brothers, who encourage him to divorce me.  They do not value marriage.

I do value marriage.

Marriage is one of my core values.

I made a point to prepare myself that marriage is forever.  Through thick and thin, failure was not an option.  I insisted that my soon-to-be-husband heard me clearly that if he was going to commit to marrying me, that I was serious that it had to be forever.

Unfortunately, his commitment was not genuine.  He does not value marriage.  He is choosing to continue the legacy of divorce and broken family that his parents established.  

The first time he had a mental breakdown and walked out on his life, I was shattered.  I could not believe that my entire life could be altered by someone else, and I did not even get a vote.  It took me a while to accept that reality.

This time around, I am not shocked that it can happen.  I have been having such a hard time accepting it though.

Months ago, a friend suggested I was having a hard time because marriage was one of my core values.  I did not process her wise words well enough at that time.

Lately, I have been process the details of my life, but I am still struggling.

I sought counsel with my Pastor who put it bluntly when he told me I was feeling shattered to the core.  My marriage has completely failed, regardless of the preparation I did to prevent it, and regardless of my wishes.  I do not get a say here.  It doesn't matter how much I value marriage, my husband is ripping that core right out of my being.  

(It reminds me of the video game Mortal Kombat, where the winning character reaches into the losing opponent and rips their beating heart right out of their chest, and holds it up overhead.  I always thought that graphic was disgusting.  Oh how many times did I watch my husband play that video game, while we were dating, and had no clue it was a picture of what he would later do to our marriage.) 

The confession that came out as I was speaking with my Pastor is that my Faith is shaken right now.  That scares me.

I have been through numerous levels of crisis in my life (and I honestly think losing a child is the worst one possible), and yet my Faith has been intact, and actually able to grow.  But, this divorce crisis has really done a number on me.  I have been questioning everything I believe, everything that I think, and everything that I am.  It has been really hard to go to church.  I have been thinking that if I am such a failure as a Christian...because I have been completely rejected as a wife, even though I valued marriage so much...then maybe I don't belong in church.  Maybe God doesn't like me either.     

Pastor encouraged me that my Faith is shaken right now, but it is not shattered.

Just like the song says, I have to set my faith in the knowledge of who God is.  

So we set our faith in who You are

Even though You reign high above us

You tenderly love us

We know Your heart

And we rest in who You are

As the fog of doubts starts to clear, I see that I have been making marriage an idol.  Marriage is referenced so often in Christian teaching, and is very important.  But, I had made it too important.  Just like every other thing in my life that I valued too much....medical school, babies, finances, a big house...this idol is being ripped away from me.  I am being forced to pick myself up and move forward without it.

I am being forced to decide if I will trust God, even if I lose this desire of my heart.

Once again, I am answering YES.

My Pastor was correct.  My Faith is not broken by a failed marriage.  My husband rejects me, but God still loves me.

I continue to pray for a miracle.

But I know God is Good...

Even if the healing doesn't come.

Even If--Kutless

Songwriters: WOOD, TONY / KRIPPAYNE, SCOTT

Sometimes all we have to hold on to 

Is what we know is true of who You are 

So when the heartache hits like a hurricane 

That could never change who You are 

And we trust in who You are 

Even if the healing doesn't come 

And life falls apart 

And dreams are still undone 

You are God You are good 

Forever faithful One 

Even if the healing 

Even if the healing doesn't come 

Lord we know your ways are not our ways 

So we set our faith in who You are 

Even though You reign high above us 

You tenderly love us 

We know Your heart 

And we rest in who You are 

You're still the Great and Mighty One 

We trust You always 

You're working all things for our good 

We'll sing your praise 

You are God and we will bless You 

As the Good and Faithful One 

You are God and we will bless You 

Even if the healing doesn't come 

Nursing Assistant

It is official:

I am a trained Nursing Assistant.

I did it!  I completed the intense 7-week training program, which included 2 weeks of clinical experience in a Nursing Home.  Not only did I pass each milestone along the way, but I got an A!  

I am proud of myself.  Looking back, it is hard to believe that I found the strength, the time, and the organization to complete such a task.  I had a lot of help to care for the kids, and we made it through the 7 weeks and lived to tell about it.  The kids are happy to have me home regularly again now.

I learned so much in 7 weeks:  I enjoyed learning how to take vital signs (blood pressure, pulse, respirations  temperature, oxygen saturation), how to care for a bed-ridden or immobile person (bed baths, transfers, feeding, changing, dressing, etc.), and how to communicate with a person who is not healthy.  The medical skills were fun.  I was excited to get my own stethoscope and gait belt.  I felt official in my scrubs.  

I am totally employable now.  I even have a letter of recommendation from my instructor.

To be certified, I need to take and pass the state exam.  I am in the process of applying for that.  It is not yet clear how long it takes to get the "next available" slot for testing.  

Regardless of certification status or pursuit of employment, this Nursing Assistant course was a pre-requisite for Nursing School.  This first step is a great one, in that it opens up many doors of opportunity.

The most important thing I learned from this course is that I belong in Nursing.  That is definitely the career for me.  My instructor and fellow classmates were full of praise and encouragement.  It was such a raise in my self esteem to be consistently told that my personality and natural gifts were ideal for this field.  I started to look at myself differently.  I started to look beyond the current level of crisis and stress in my life.  It was so refreshing to have something positive to focus on for a change.

I was pre-med in college, but did not get into medical school right away.  All throughout my pre-med coursework, I doubted myself.  I knew I enjoyed healthcare--and I really enjoyed volunteering at the hospital---but I did not necessarily enjoy my classes and coursework.  I earned a degree in Biology, and worked in biomedical research.  Even though I received excellent reviews each year, and praise from my boss, my heart was not in the work.  I was not passionate about it, like I am about caregiving.  I am good at science.  It comes natural to my way of thinking.  But, I flourish when I am helping someone and making their life a little better.  Ironically, as I was completing my last semester of college, and applying for jobs, I commented to The Referee, "I should have gone to Nursing School instead."  This Nursing Assistant training course really opened my eyes to the fact that Nursing is definitely the right career path for me.  All thoughts about what my "next career" (after the kids are raised) should be, are clarified now.  I am certain that I am on the right path.  

I also learned that I am content to go slowly toward Nursing School.  I enjoy being home with my kids.  If I had to return to work to provide for my family, I would.....and I would be grateful for the time I previously had at home.  But, since The Referee is providing so well for us, and encouraging me to continue at home with the kids, I am thrilled to get more time at home.  Since Jersey #5 is only 4, I hope to progress slowly through my pre-requisites before I enter Nursing School full time.

The nicest thing about working motherhood is the affirmation.  When I am at home full time, the daily tasks seem never-ending and often unappreciated.  They are important, just not often noticed.  But, in the working world, there is constant feedback on a job well done.  Praise is abundant.  I would go to class and learn a new skills, or receive a good grade on an assignment, and I would feel accomplished.  At home, later, it only took washing one load of dishes, and cooking dinner to make me feel like I was Super Mom!  Plus, if I was in class all day, and the kids were in care with friends all day, then no one was home to mess up the house all day!  The house stayed cleaner.  Every little bit of household chores I accomplished on school days felt like I was going over the top in my level of accomplishment for the day.  I can see why some Moms say they need to have some sort of career for their own well being.  It is such a big difference to receive positive feedback regularly.  Full-time-at-home motherhood does not have the luxury of evaluating our progress so soon.  We repeat the same caregiving tasks for years, not knowing how our children will turn out in the end.  At least with a career on hand, there is a sense of professional accomplishment, while we wait to see the end results of the quality of our mothering.  

Now that I have had such a self-esteem boost, and academic achievement, I am even more flattered when my kids express how much they prefer to have me at home.  I have a new sense of value.

      

A Team of My Own

I finally have my own team!

A 5-person soccer team.

When we start welcoming more children than the socially acceptable 2.1, folks will often comment about how pretty soon we will have enough for a basketball team....baseball team....or whatever sport seems relevant at the time.  I find that fun and amusing.

This Fall, all 5 kids are playing Upward Soccer.

Upward is played differently than most soccer programs.  It is Christian-based, with a strong focus on sportsmanship and Christ-likeness.  Competition is low key, and encouragement is high.  It is an excellent program for younger kids, or for kids who may not be real athletic by nature.  For our family, it is also wonderful because all 5 kids can play at the same time, as practices and games are at the same field.  

Another difference is that the Upward soccer program we participate in is playing games of 5 versus 5 players, and no goalies.  

To have my own basketball team, I would need 6 kids.  To have my own baseball team, I would need 9 kids.  Typically, to have my own soccer team, I would need 11 kids.  But, with this season's Upward Soccer, I can have my own team with just 5 soccer players!

How fun is that!

Technically, my children do not all play on the same team.  They are different ages, and they are placed on teams based on age category.  All have identical jerseys, though, because Upward uses reversible jersey's to distinguish between home team and visiting team.  So, really, I am just pretending they are my team.

My real team this season is a team of Kindergartners and 1st graders.  I signed up to coach.  Yes, I finally put the "Coach" back in "Coach Mom."  It has been a while.  I coached soccer when Jersey #1 was in kindergarten.  I am coaching again, 5 years later, when Jersey #4 is in kindergarten.  My how time flies...

Jersey #4 and Jersey #5 are both on my team.  I asked for permission to register Jersey #5 for soccer, even though he is not of kindergarten age, because I knew he would feel left out with all of his siblings playing soccer.  Plus, with his size, I knew he would not stand out oddly.  He enjoys the game of soccer, but definitely tuckers out faster than the other kids on his team, including his sister.

I am completely enjoying soccer season this Fall.

The weather is great for it right now.  (Although we can expect it to become much colder as the season progresses).

I enjoy washing an entire load of uniforms.  5 jerseys, 5 shorts, 10 socks, 1 coach shirt.

I have a whole bin in the hallway, dedicated to soccer gear.

We come home from practice/games and air out the cleats and shin guards on the front porch.  Decorating in soccer gear?  Why, yes we do!

I enjoyed playing soccer when I was a kid.

It is fun for me to see my own children enjoying soccer too.

Plus, I get to coach, and enjoy it with them.

I Laughed

On Friday afternoon, I laughed.

It was a great feeling.  A big, hearty laugh.  To feel that much humor and amusement.  To enjoy the topic of conversation, and the company, and the moment.  It was awesome!

I have been thinking about that laugh ever since.

Something changed inside of me when I laughed.

For a moment, I allowed myself to enjoy life again.  I put my guard down.  

It has been a while since I have felt that way.  Certainly, the first time this year.  Possibly the first time in a few years.

The impact that moment of spontaneous laughter has had on me has been huge.  On some academic level, I am sure it signifies an element of acceptance in the grieving process.  To be able to accept life the way it is, and to continue forward is a nice point to achieve.  To enjoy life again.  To have joy again.  It has been a while, and it feels good to feel that good again.

Personally, I love to laugh.  So, to finally achieve that ability again, was incredible.  I feel like I have conquered something.  Conquered sadness?  Conquered grief?  Conquered disappointment?  I have no idea.  But, all of a sudden, I feel like a warrior.  New doors and new emotions have been re-opened to me.  I do not fully know how to describe it, but I absolutely love it!

That element of laughter returning to my life has drastically improved my attitude.  

In an instant, I am Ok with the way things are going in my life right now.  Of course, it is not ideal.  But, it is still good.  I can live, and grow, and be.  I am no longer just trying to survive crisis.  

I can count my blessings again.  They are abundant.

My children were so surprised by my laughter.  They just stared at me with puzzled expressions.  A couple children asked me if I was Ok.  Jersey #1 even asked The Referee if I was Ok.  We both had to assure her that I was just fine, and that I was just laughing.  I laughed myself to tears, and that really freaked the kids out.  They are used to seeing me cry.  They were not sure what to do when I was crying and laughing simultaneously.  

Tears of joy.

It has been a long time since I have had those.

What a difference laughter makes.

Tunnel Vision

It probably would have made more sense if I had written all throughout my journey this summer.  There is so much growth happening in my life.  I don't always have the opportunity to sit down and put it all to words.

This summer was one of the busiest seasons I have ever faced.  That says a lot coming from me, because I know how to fill a calendar to the max.  I started out the summer with the plan of having a relaxing time, and a few activities.  The way it actually went was to go, go, go!  Looking back, I see that being THAT busy had a protective quality.  I was too busy to wallow in self pity.  I was too busy to think about all that I have lost this year.  I was too busy to spend much time in the depths of despair.  My maxed out calendar had me putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward without taking much time to stop and think.

All along the way, there were lessons and instructions to ponder.  Only, I did not have much time to ponder.  So, the lessons stacked up, one on top of the other.  I would hear a sermon, or Bible lesson, and think "ooh, that is good stuff!  I need to meditate on that some more."  But, there was not much time for delving into it, before our next activity.  The next thing brought about another lesson, usually something that added to the previous lesson.  I am totally impressed by the way God wove these life lessons together, piece by piece, throughout my incredibly busy summer.

My attitude was not very good through it all.  I would hear sermon after sermon about suffering, and causes of suffering, and such.  But, I would always moan and sigh about how trials stink!  Let's face it, when I am in the depths of pain and anguish, I relate better to Job's wife than to Job.  I am quick to cry out, "Why me, Lord!?!"  "This is NOT FAIR!"

Of course, my attitude was addressed during our Sunday School lesson on the book of Hebrews.  I understood the references about God correcting us like a parent corrects a child.  That makes sense.  I correct my children in love too.  But, that type of chastening goes hand-in-hand with our sins.  Knowing that God loves me enough to correct me has not been very comforting right now.  During that class, a list was generated, explaining the different reasons that we endure trials.  Although some folks prefer to focus entirely on the category of chastening being due to sin, there are actually other categories that are relevant.  One category is taking a stand for Christ.  Tough times come to those who boldly stand in their faith.  The category that jumped out at me the most during this lesson was the category that trials come to us for a lofty purpose of God.  Whoah!  That really built on the church camp lessons that it may not all work out for MY benefit, but it will work out for God's plan.  

Sure enough, the scripture passage above all the chastening like children stuff, is at the very beginning of Hebrews chapter 12.  The end of verse 1 and beginning of 2 encourages:

"....let us run with patience the race that is set before us, 

Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith;"    

Verse 3 warns to consider all that Jesus went through, himself, to keep us from being weary and weak-minded.

The whole attitude adjustment came to me as we read verse 11:   

"Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, 

but grievous; 

nevertheless afterward it yieldeth 

the peaceable fruit of righteousness 

unto them which are exercised thereby."

With that verse I was struck by the awesomeness of God.  He gets it!  God understands!  Chastening is grievous, when it happens.  (And in my opinion, grieving sucks!)

I get it!  I understand!  AFTERWARD is when the point is made.  

These trials are miserable when we are in the midst of them.

But, the lessons learned, the ways we are changed, the "fruit" that emerges, is the good stuff.

The way to have a better attitude in trials and challenges, is to look forward.  I've been told to keep an eternal perspective, so that the trials of life here on Earth seem small.

To add strength to my new perspective, the author of the book of Hebrews goes on to comment in the last verse, that the point is to serve God, and remember that God is in control.  

As if that is not enough, Chapter 13, verse 6 adds, 

"The Lord is my helper, and I will not fear what man shall do unto me."

Step-by-step I see why I needed a better attitude about the trials in my life.  I am reminded that God is in control, and everything will work out for His purpose.  The focus should be to point others to Him.  With God on my side, I can courageously move forward through this mess I call my life, and not be afraid of what is coming my way next.  

The light at the end of this tunnel is not daylight.  It is an oncoming train.

This year's trials are not over.  I see that clearly.

Let's recap:  Rejected by my husband who blamed me for his chronic health problems.  Marriage destroyed.  Family broken.  Husband leaves the home to live alone, and I am an instant single mother.  Baby boy dies half-way through pregnancy.  Grieving SUCKS!  Husband goes numb from recent 3 generations of loss in his life---his grandfather, his father, and his son.  He is the last man standing in that line-up.  His eyes are opened to the fact that he is dealing with a very serious, chronic health issue, that is completely out of his control.  Thankfully, he is able to take responsibility for the way he tried to blame it on me, apologizes, and works to build a respectful relationship with me, which is a great benefit to our family as a whole.  He seeks treatment.  I work on forgiveness.  Just when I think there may be a glimmer of light in this horrifying situation, I am bombarded with the limitations of the illness, and the amount of crisis we are still in.  Financial crisis takes its turn to rise.  I take a hard look at my career options, and what my family needs me to do now.  (I won't even go in to how hard it was for me to let go of my career plans when my family needed me to be home, only to have that completely shifted again 9 years later...).  I think I see what direction I am suppose to go, and that gets tweaked to get me more employable, faster.    Even so, we are on the slippery slope to foreclosure and bankruptcy.  Once again, I am reminded about the limitations of this chronic illness.  The trials are not over...

Right now, I feel as though my life is in a tunnel.  I cannot see all around me.  I must just keep moving one step and a time, forward, and hope that I will eventually see daylight.

Being an optimist and a planner, it is really difficult for me to live in the moment.  I have not been able to make much for plans this whole year so far.  That has not improved.  Every time that something positive occurs, and I start to think we are in the home stretch now, I actually end up sliding a few steps back.  Every time that I think I have an idea of what path we are on, I reach a hurdle and have to divert.  It is not easy for me to relinquish control, but that is what I am being required to do right now.  

Let Go, and Let God.

"....let us run with patience the race that is set before us, 

Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith;" ---Hebrews 12:1-2

My faith is being tested and grown.  Conveniently, my Pastor is doing a sermon series on spiritual growth.  Even the visiting missionaries seem to have my spiritual growth in mind.  It is a God thing.  The purpose is to point others to Christ.  

I have been so puzzled by that statement, because I think how in the world will others see the love of Christ in my suffering?  This makes no sense to me.

And then, I had a friend bless me with words that rendered me speechless.

She started out, during our visit, by saying to me that she has had the most awful, heartbreaking, difficult life she has ever known anyone to go through.  She thought surely no one has it worse than her.

....until she met me.

I laughed.  It struck me as funny.

The next day, I happened to see her again briefly.  She could not wait to re-iterate her point to me.  She told me that what she was trying to say is

"You are the only person who has been through worse than me, and you still think Jesus loves you!"

I looked her right in the eye and answered, "I know He does."

She smiled and said, "Exactly!  And, that is what you give me.  I need to know that in the midst of my trials, Jesus still  loves me.  And, you remind me of that."

I was speechless.

If I had an emotional response, I am sure I would have been flattered.  But, I was so much in shock that I was in a stunned silence.  In my heart, I was thanking God.  I get it now.  I see the Kingdom perspective a little more clearly.     

I still don't know where I am going, or how all of this is going to work out in the end.  But, step-by-step, I keep moving forward through the tunnel, waiting for the day when the light at the end of the tunnel is daylight, instead of an oncoming train.

Bible Bee

The older 3 children participated in the local Bible Bee yesterday.

2012 is the 4th year for the Bible Bee.

This was Jersey #1's 3rd year participating.  She was part of the 1st and the 3rd annual Bible Bee as well.   (The 2nd annual Bible Bee was in 2010, the year of Jersey #2's heart surgery, so we cut out most activities that year).

It was Jersey #2's 2nd year participating.

It was Jersey #3's 1st year participating.

Bible Bee 2009:

Bible Bee 2011:

Bible Bee 2012:

All 3 were in the Primary Division this year, which is for ages 7-10.  Technically, they were competing against each other.

Only, we did not do enough preparation and study to actually be competitive.  This summer was extremely busy for us.  It did not take long to get behind on the sword study and the verse memorization.  Before I knew it, we were WAY behind.  I tried to find bits of time to get the kids motivated to study for the Bible Bee, but that did not happen.  At one point, when the local director sent an email announcing the final date to withdraw from the bee, before the paperwork was all printed, I was tempted to quit.  I decided to stick it out, and told myself that we could still do well with some strong effort over these last two weeks.

That did not happen.  Our days were packed.  There was not enough time to focus, let alone cram.  All throughout this final week, I debated as to whether I should have the children participate and carry through with our commitment, or should I have them withdraw?

I wanted them to stick it out and give their best effort.

But, I did not want to push them into a situation where they would be so embarrassed by failure, that they had ill thoughts and feelings about studying the Bible.  

After many days of kicking myself for not letting it go earlier, and allowing us to get over-scheduled (again), I decided to just go with what we had.

I sat the kids down and had a talk.  I explained to them that in light of our extremely busy summer, I should not have insisted we also participate in the Bible Bee.  It was too much.  I admitted that I should have let go of that plan months ago, and taken the pressure off.  They were happy to hear that.

I then explained to them that it was too late to quit now, so we were going to go and participate.  We would go with the amount that was already studied, and let that be good enough.  I expected them to do their very best, with a happy heart.  I would not accept drama or grumpiness over their performance, or over getting competitive.  They agreed.

Next, I discussed a little deeper that ANY amount of study of the Bible is good.  ANY number of verses they memorized was a good thing.  We should not feel bad for the amount that was accomplished.  We should feel good for putting the effort into Bible study, because it is so very important.

But, I also explained that when it comes to competition and achievement, the level of effort, diligence, and preparation, are important.  If you want A's, you have to do A-quality work.  If you do C-quality work, you earn a C.  It is just that simple.

In the end, they were content to participate without the expectation of having to perform well.  We talked about how to handle the stress of not knowing the verses in the oral round, or not knowing the answers on the written test.  I anticipated that Jersey #3 would have some trouble with the actual reading and comprehending the written test, so I explained how to guess and select an answer on a multiple choice test anyway, instead of leaving it blank.  

I also told the children that I would not be signing us up for the Bible Bee next summer.  I was not going to require that of them.  

They all approached Bible Bee day with great enthusiasm.  The pressure was off, and they were going to have fun with the other kids.  They had a blast!

   

They had only memorized 20% of the list of verses, but they learned those so well that they received many points during the oral round.  Jersey #1 told me she was thankful I talked her into learning 1 more verse this week, because that verse was on the test, and she recited it well.

Jersey #3 was proud of himself for completing the written test quickly.  He did not really know many of the answers, but he was pleased to take a guess and fill in a bubble anyway.  

Jersey #2 took the whole thing in stride.

At the closing ceremony, the participants were given an opportunity to stand in front of the crowd and recite a verse.  My children declined that offer.  It was one of our agreements--I would not make them recite in front of the crowd at the end of the program.  They each took turns looking at me to see if I was going to make them recite, but I did not.  

Each participant received a medal, a certificate, and a goody bag.  It is fun to get things to take home at the end of a big day.

The participants who scored in the top 5, on the oral and written exams combined, received additional prizes.

Much to my absolute shock, all 3 of my children placed in the top 5!

They did WAY better than I ever expected of them.

At lunch, when Jersey #1 started calculating that she thought she could have earned 3rd place, I cautioned her to not expect to place this year.  She did not prepare well, and lost many points.

She earned 3rd place!

Jersey #3 earned 4th place.  

Jersey #2 earned 5th place.  She was initially upset that her younger brother scored higher than her.  I reminded her that in Bible Bee, points are lost when you repeat parts of the verse that you already said.  Right now, she is in a huge phase of repeating herself mid-sentence.  That carries over into her verse recitation as well.  It just doesn't have an effect during AWANA, like it does for Bible Bee. After she heard my explanation, she was no longer concerned over how her brother performed better.

As we talked about how each child did on their oral and written exams, I learned that although the children did not study all of the verses on the Bible Bee list, the ones they learned were recited accurately.  Even though they did not complete all of the components to the sword study, they all read the book of the Bible multiple times, and were familiar enough with the subject, to answer questions on the written exam.  (And, lucky for them, some of the other contestants were less prepared, or more nervous, or something).  

My fears that I was setting my children up for failure have been relieved.  I think we all learned some pretty good lessons through this experience.  I am most pleased with how joyfully my children participated in the Bee.

Now, they are talking about wanting to participate again next year...