Tunnel Vision

It probably would have made more sense if I had written all throughout my journey this summer.  There is so much growth happening in my life.  I don't always have the opportunity to sit down and put it all to words.

This summer was one of the busiest seasons I have ever faced.  That says a lot coming from me, because I know how to fill a calendar to the max.  I started out the summer with the plan of having a relaxing time, and a few activities.  The way it actually went was to go, go, go!  Looking back, I see that being THAT busy had a protective quality.  I was too busy to wallow in self pity.  I was too busy to think about all that I have lost this year.  I was too busy to spend much time in the depths of despair.  My maxed out calendar had me putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward without taking much time to stop and think.

All along the way, there were lessons and instructions to ponder.  Only, I did not have much time to ponder.  So, the lessons stacked up, one on top of the other.  I would hear a sermon, or Bible lesson, and think "ooh, that is good stuff!  I need to meditate on that some more."  But, there was not much time for delving into it, before our next activity.  The next thing brought about another lesson, usually something that added to the previous lesson.  I am totally impressed by the way God wove these life lessons together, piece by piece, throughout my incredibly busy summer.

My attitude was not very good through it all.  I would hear sermon after sermon about suffering, and causes of suffering, and such.  But, I would always moan and sigh about how trials stink!  Let's face it, when I am in the depths of pain and anguish, I relate better to Job's wife than to Job.  I am quick to cry out, "Why me, Lord!?!"  "This is NOT FAIR!"

Of course, my attitude was addressed during our Sunday School lesson on the book of Hebrews.  I understood the references about God correcting us like a parent corrects a child.  That makes sense.  I correct my children in love too.  But, that type of chastening goes hand-in-hand with our sins.  Knowing that God loves me enough to correct me has not been very comforting right now.  During that class, a list was generated, explaining the different reasons that we endure trials.  Although some folks prefer to focus entirely on the category of chastening being due to sin, there are actually other categories that are relevant.  One category is taking a stand for Christ.  Tough times come to those who boldly stand in their faith.  The category that jumped out at me the most during this lesson was the category that trials come to us for a lofty purpose of God.  Whoah!  That really built on the church camp lessons that it may not all work out for MY benefit, but it will work out for God's plan.  

Sure enough, the scripture passage above all the chastening like children stuff, is at the very beginning of Hebrews chapter 12.  The end of verse 1 and beginning of 2 encourages:

"....let us run with patience the race that is set before us, 

Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith;"    

Verse 3 warns to consider all that Jesus went through, himself, to keep us from being weary and weak-minded.

The whole attitude adjustment came to me as we read verse 11:   

"Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, 

but grievous; 

nevertheless afterward it yieldeth 

the peaceable fruit of righteousness 

unto them which are exercised thereby."

With that verse I was struck by the awesomeness of God.  He gets it!  God understands!  Chastening is grievous, when it happens.  (And in my opinion, grieving sucks!)

I get it!  I understand!  AFTERWARD is when the point is made.  

These trials are miserable when we are in the midst of them.

But, the lessons learned, the ways we are changed, the "fruit" that emerges, is the good stuff.

The way to have a better attitude in trials and challenges, is to look forward.  I've been told to keep an eternal perspective, so that the trials of life here on Earth seem small.

To add strength to my new perspective, the author of the book of Hebrews goes on to comment in the last verse, that the point is to serve God, and remember that God is in control.  

As if that is not enough, Chapter 13, verse 6 adds, 

"The Lord is my helper, and I will not fear what man shall do unto me."

Step-by-step I see why I needed a better attitude about the trials in my life.  I am reminded that God is in control, and everything will work out for His purpose.  The focus should be to point others to Him.  With God on my side, I can courageously move forward through this mess I call my life, and not be afraid of what is coming my way next.  

The light at the end of this tunnel is not daylight.  It is an oncoming train.

This year's trials are not over.  I see that clearly.

Let's recap:  Rejected by my husband who blamed me for his chronic health problems.  Marriage destroyed.  Family broken.  Husband leaves the home to live alone, and I am an instant single mother.  Baby boy dies half-way through pregnancy.  Grieving SUCKS!  Husband goes numb from recent 3 generations of loss in his life---his grandfather, his father, and his son.  He is the last man standing in that line-up.  His eyes are opened to the fact that he is dealing with a very serious, chronic health issue, that is completely out of his control.  Thankfully, he is able to take responsibility for the way he tried to blame it on me, apologizes, and works to build a respectful relationship with me, which is a great benefit to our family as a whole.  He seeks treatment.  I work on forgiveness.  Just when I think there may be a glimmer of light in this horrifying situation, I am bombarded with the limitations of the illness, and the amount of crisis we are still in.  Financial crisis takes its turn to rise.  I take a hard look at my career options, and what my family needs me to do now.  (I won't even go in to how hard it was for me to let go of my career plans when my family needed me to be home, only to have that completely shifted again 9 years later...).  I think I see what direction I am suppose to go, and that gets tweaked to get me more employable, faster.    Even so, we are on the slippery slope to foreclosure and bankruptcy.  Once again, I am reminded about the limitations of this chronic illness.  The trials are not over...

Right now, I feel as though my life is in a tunnel.  I cannot see all around me.  I must just keep moving one step and a time, forward, and hope that I will eventually see daylight.

Being an optimist and a planner, it is really difficult for me to live in the moment.  I have not been able to make much for plans this whole year so far.  That has not improved.  Every time that something positive occurs, and I start to think we are in the home stretch now, I actually end up sliding a few steps back.  Every time that I think I have an idea of what path we are on, I reach a hurdle and have to divert.  It is not easy for me to relinquish control, but that is what I am being required to do right now.  

Let Go, and Let God.

"....let us run with patience the race that is set before us, 

Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith;" ---Hebrews 12:1-2

My faith is being tested and grown.  Conveniently, my Pastor is doing a sermon series on spiritual growth.  Even the visiting missionaries seem to have my spiritual growth in mind.  It is a God thing.  The purpose is to point others to Christ.  

I have been so puzzled by that statement, because I think how in the world will others see the love of Christ in my suffering?  This makes no sense to me.

And then, I had a friend bless me with words that rendered me speechless.

She started out, during our visit, by saying to me that she has had the most awful, heartbreaking, difficult life she has ever known anyone to go through.  She thought surely no one has it worse than her.

....until she met me.

I laughed.  It struck me as funny.

The next day, I happened to see her again briefly.  She could not wait to re-iterate her point to me.  She told me that what she was trying to say is

"You are the only person who has been through worse than me, and you still think Jesus loves you!"

I looked her right in the eye and answered, "I know He does."

She smiled and said, "Exactly!  And, that is what you give me.  I need to know that in the midst of my trials, Jesus still  loves me.  And, you remind me of that."

I was speechless.

If I had an emotional response, I am sure I would have been flattered.  But, I was so much in shock that I was in a stunned silence.  In my heart, I was thanking God.  I get it now.  I see the Kingdom perspective a little more clearly.     

I still don't know where I am going, or how all of this is going to work out in the end.  But, step-by-step, I keep moving forward through the tunnel, waiting for the day when the light at the end of the tunnel is daylight, instead of an oncoming train.