Adultery Looks Appealing

"Dying to yourself may mean that you selflessly love a spouse who has cheated you out of a marriage you so desperately wanted."   
---Kyle Idleman, not a fan.

Never in a million years did I ever consider the idea that my marriage would fail.

I don't quit.  So, failure is not an option.

Knowing that The Referee came from a broken home, with no example of how to keep a relationship strong enough to go the distance, I insisted that he seriously consider the fact that I believe marriage is forever, as God designed.  I was not playing games.  When our dating relationship became more serious, I suggested that we study and learn how to work through dysfunctional habits and work toward healthy ones.  I was very pleased at the way The Referee took my beliefs seriously.  We studied.  We talked.  We learned.  We grew.  He even pursued other resources to help him work through some past emotional wounds.  He proved to me that he loved me so much that he was willing to go the distance just to marry me.

I had full confidence in us.

The first time he had a breakdown and decided to walk out on his entire life, I did not take it as a mental health situation, I took it as a personal rejection.  (It was easy to take it personally, since his anger and justifications for his unhappiness blamed me).  

It shook me to the core to realize that he could single-handedly alter my life so dramatically, and for the worst.

I learned a very powerful truth about marriage that day.  I learned that my husband could choose a course of action that would directly affect my life, and I do not even get a vote in the matter.  

Marriage is a leap of faith.

We are trusting that our spouse will conduct themselves in a manner that is respectful of the relationship, and committed to the marriage.

When we attempted marriage counseling with a certified counselor, she made a quick comment during the first session that really bothered me. 

"It takes two to tango."


It is a common saying.  It implies that marriage problems are not a result of one person.  Both spouses are required to make a marriage work, and both spouses are responsible for its demise.


In my head I was thinking that sure it takes two to make the marriage work, but really it only takes one to quit and ruin it.


I was willing to go the distance.  Through the good times and the bad times.  Six months ago, my husband decided that he wanted out of the marriage, and away from our family life.  Some call it a breakdown.  I took it personal.  His rage and blame were clearly directed at me.  Since then, he has gained some new perspective.  He no longer blames me.  He apologized.  He tells me it is not personal.    


I feel completely cheated out of the marriage I wanted.  I am angry that when I took my marriage vows, I was saying "until death do we part," and apparently my husband was saying, "until I change my mind and decide to quit."


Rejection hurts us to the core.  It breaks our hearts.  It damages our self worth.  


Well-meaning friends suggested I take legal action with a vengeance.  It is our nature to want to take justice into our own hands.


Instead, I choose to live by God's Word.


God hates divorce.


Ok.  I am not pursuing divorce, but now what?  Do I throw a pity party?  Do I wait?  Do I pray for reconciliation?  Do I try to fix it?


I do not want to be a doormat.  I do not want to be treated like a second class citizen.


Many folks start dating right away.  Some start even before the divorce is final.  When a person remarries right after the divorce, it is fairly safe to assume that they were dating in the midst.  Having someone else pay attention to you and treat you like you are special, helps take away the sting of rejection from the one who discarded you.  


Adultery looks so appealing.


Falling in love is fun.  It sounds so nice to seek someone who is willing to love you.  


I do not want to be alone for the rest of my life.  I want a companion to "do life" with.


I poured out these thoughts and desires to God, in prayer.  I just could not see why this was happening to me, or how to stop it.  I tried looking for a way that divorce and remarriage would be acceptable.  


I was not prepared for the answer.


As I grow in my relationship with Christ, I am trying to let go of my entitlements and live a life that is honoring to God.  That is not easy.  Being a completely committed follower requires sacrifice.  


I am required to honor my marriage vows.  Those vows were made to my husband and to God.  We stood before family and friends to make it public, and to celebrate our union.  


I have heard marriage described as a covenant between 3 people:  husband, wife, and God.


My parents have a poster on the wall of their home that says, "The closer we come to God, the closer we are to each other."  The idea is that if the 3-way relationship is a triangle, and both spouses have their eyes on Christ, they are coming closer to each other, because they are approaching a single apex of the triangle.


As I pondered that image, it dawned on me that it really does take two to tango.  


Two:  me + God.    Currently, that is who is holding this marriage together.


Regardless of what the legal system says about my marital status (which it doesn't say anything different, because we have not yet filed any dissolution of marriage paperwork), and regardless of where we each take up residence, I will always be married to my husband in the eyes of God, who joined us together.  Until death do we part... 

Therefore they are no more two, but one flesh. 

What therefore God has joined together, 

let not man put asunder.  ---Matthew 19:6

Regardless of what our marriage looks like on paper, or what it looks like in the Christmas card photo, we are still married.  I am still responsible to behave as a wife is instructed to behave, according to the Bible.  The behavior of my husband does not change my role as a wife.  He will answer to God for his actions.  I will answer to God for my actions.  Two wrongs will not make it right. 


That hardly seems fair here on Earth.  I want revenge.  I want justice.  I want to be loved.  I want my own happiness.


Well, Jesus never said it was going to be easy.  Quite the contrary, He said following Him required taking up a cross.  Ouch!  


Justice will be served in eternity.


Here on Earth, I am called to obey God's Word, and honor my marriage vows.  I am to respect my husband.  I am to love selflessly.  I am to be faithful.


(Thankfully, there is no place in the Bible that says I have to be a doormat!)  Love and respect strengthen my integrity, not lessen it.  My self worth is high when I see myself as God sees me.  God Loves Me.


It is not easy to let go of my anger.  It is not easy to let go of my bitterness.  It is not easy to let go of my desire to pursue companionship.  It is not easy to let go of my entitlement.  It is not easy when I am trying to do those things on my own.


It is actually easy when my eyes are fixed on Christ, and I am focused on living a life that is pleasing to Him.


Adultery is appealing.  There is a large temptation to seek love again.


But, I must remember that I am a married woman.  I took a vow for a lifetime.


I am purposefully taking steps to distance myself from the temptation.  I wear my wedding ring.  I do not go out to venues filled with single men.  I do not flirt.  I do not conduct myself in any way that implies I am available for a romantic relationship.  I do not even spend time watching romantic movies that will encourage me to focus on what I am missing.  I focus on raising my kids, and keep busy with their activities.  I surround myself with the Word of God:  Bible study, prayer, Christian music, church worship services and activities.  


I lead a full life so that the thoughts of adulterous behavior do not grow within me.  Considering the temptation is the first step down a slippery slope.    


The truth about what is right and what is wrong is there.  


I am making a conscious choice to walk in the truth.


The truth sets me free from the burden of sin.