During the process of mulling around the concept of discipline being rooted in discipleship (a previous post), I have been analyzing (probably over-analyzing) some of the lessons I have learned about discipline through the years.
Let me be the first to say that I do not have all the answers. I have a handful of children, but none of them came with an instruction manual. I am a work in progress, learning as I go. Just like everyone else. With more children, comes more experiences.....as well as more mistakes. I know so little about this subject, that I am certain I can fit the entire depth of my knowledge in this one post...
I do take my calling to motherhood seriously. I pay close attention to all of the Bible verses about parenting. That is my instruction manual. I have a clear goal: to bring my children up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
(Ephesians 6:4 And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.)Let me be the first to say that I do not have all the answers. I have a handful of children, but none of them came with an instruction manual. I am a work in progress, learning as I go. Just like everyone else. With more children, comes more experiences.....as well as more mistakes. I know so little about this subject, that I am certain I can fit the entire depth of my knowledge in this one post...
I do take my calling to motherhood seriously. I pay close attention to all of the Bible verses about parenting. That is my instruction manual. I have a clear goal: to bring my children up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
I see 2 specific parts to this goal:
BOTH are required. Discipline without love is abuse. Tending to a child's physical and emotional needs, without teaching them right from wrong, reduces them to the level of a pet. Human beings have individuality and character that need guidance.
I am a simple girl. I do not subscribe to detailed parenting theories. I can check every single one of my parenting decisions against this single, 2-part goal. If either of the two parts is out of balance, it shows very clearly in the results.
If I find myself aggravated or frustrated when disciplining my children, then it is obvious that my nurture response is out of focus. If my children are fed, clothed, hugged, kissed, and rested, but they are hitting, arguing, or breaking the rules, then my counsel/correction responsibility is out of balance. It is not good enough to have one without the other. Both pieces must be in harmony.
Before I had children, I worked at a Children's Psychiatric Hospital. I was trained in all of the popular "psychology-friendly" behavior management methods. I was actually responsible for demonstrating these methods, in order to train the biological parents. Considering that I knew a whole lot more about raising children before I ever had any, I was very good at this job. I set limits. I gave clear instructions. I issued "time-outs" (or loss of privelages) for misbehavior. I processed the situation with the child, following the time-out. I provided consistency. I was a team with the other staff, not allowing the children to split our authority. I mastered the method with time and experience.
And when it was time for me to move on to a career in biomedical research, I showed up to interview with the scientist who ran the lab, sporting a fat, busted-up lip.
A couple days prior, while engaging in a crisis response, I was punched in the face by a 10-year old patient. The problem with those psychology-friendly methods is that they lack a very key ingredient that every child needs: LOVE. Without love, children are unable to thrive. They carry a burden of bitterness, and they soon lose hope that anyone cares. Well, if no one cares, then what is the point in behaving? I've noticed that the parenting books and articles that support time outs (especially compared to spankings) as a primary behavior modification tool, ignore the rest of the psychology-friendly protocol. What if the child does not submit to the time-out? Well, in a psych hospital setting, children are moved to a padded room, with a door that can lock. Nurses are available with sedation medications in various levels. The degree that the child rebels is met with a degree of intervention that would cause loving parents to shudder. Drug them and lock them up....sounds like prison. And sadly, this is what some parents resort to, even at home, when their children are not obeying their authority. Benedryl has a sedative effect. And bedroom doors can be locked.
At the other end of the spectrum, spanking as a primary discipline tool, has become a very heated topic in our society. There appear to be a number of folks who speak out that their loving parents spanked them and taught them right from wrong. There are others who speak out with powerful language that spanking is beating and abusing a child. Considering the goals of nurture and admonition, both viewpoints can be correct.
I have noticed that folks who speak positively about spanking, especially in terms of their own childhood experiences, also mention knowing their parents loved them, and appreciating that their parents taught them right from wrong. Loving correction is a beautiful thing. Children are comforted knowing that their parents care enough about them to want them to achieve a higher standard of behavior.
Folks who speak negatively about spanking do not speak of a connection in loving discipline. They equate spanking with domestic violence and angry parents. Folks who are not as extreme in their language will mention spanking as a last resort, if they are really frustrated with their child's behavior. They praise other parenting methods when they are calm, and spanking when they are angry. That makes no sense to me. If nurture is not there, then abuse abounds. In my opinion, the spanking is not the problem....it is merely a discipline tool, just as a time-out is a discipline tool....the tool is not responsible for the way it is misused. Parents should be calm and controlled when they are administering discipline. The goal is not retaliation. The goal is to correct our children's ill behavior, and guide them toward healthy behavior, because we love them and want what is best for them.
I support spanking as a method of loving correction. I have had the benefit of mentors who demonstrated its proper use. Pain is a fast motivator. It doesn't take us long to learn about a hot stove or the strength of gravity. But, just as a time-out can escalate to neglect in a locked in a room, a spanking can escalate into physical abuse. It is important to establish boundaries and rules prior to administering discipline, so that we parents keep our emotions in check.
It comes down to the specifics....a specific instrument for administering the spanking, (a hand, a wooden spoon) a specific location (on the butt cheeks, and in the kitchen), and a specific goal to achieve (acknowledgment of wrongdoing, and submission to chastening). A parent should set up the parameters and stick to them. If the kitchen is the place where spankings are administered, then a parent will not be swatting the child on impulse in the hallway. If swats are only to be given on the butt cheeks, then a parent will not be slapping in the face or in the back of the head. Some folks use a chart to list the number of swats for different offenses. Others use a single swat per offense. Spankings appear to be most effective in the late toddler, preschooler, and kindergarten ages. The big secret that does not appear to come out in the heated debate, is that spanking as a form of loving correction eliminates itself. The need for spankings drops off quickly, as it is so effective in teaching a child the boundaries of obedience, parental authority, and right from wrong, that it renders itself rather rare and unnecessary by the early elementary school ages.
Time-outs and spankings are not the only tools of discipline, of course, but they appear to be among the most popular. They also seem to generally represent the different sides of the discipline method debate. There is more to the method than the tool though. The tool is only effective if the child submits to the chastening. A child needs to learn what is right and what is wrong. Punishment for wrong behavior must be accepted as the consequence for that choice. Regardless of what tool of discipline is used, if the child rebels against the consequence, the lesson is not learned. The foolish behavior must be driven from the heart of the child. A child who throws a tantrum, yells, and screams when they are told to go to their room, sit down for a time-out, or stand for a spanking, is rebelling against the consequence of their misbehavior. If a parent permits that behavior, then the actual punishment is of no use. If a parent has to wrestle their child into cooperating for a punishment, the child has not submitted to the parent's authority. Instead of learning right from wrong, the child is learning to dodge consequences, and rile their parent to distraction...until the original misbehavior goes ignored, due to the chaos of the parent-child struggle. Sometimes it seems easier to throw our hands up, announce that the discipline method does not work, and give up......and continue to raise an ill-behaved child. Unfortunately, children do not grow out of misbehavior. They carry those core values throughout their lifetime.
It is similar with adults. If I get a speeding ticket, is my response to accept that I was breaking the law, and received a proper consequence? Or is my response to complain about the stupid laws, insult the intentions of the police force, and try to deny any responsibility in the situation? My response is an outward expression of my values....what I hold to be true in my core, in my heart.
I've taken all the lessons in discipline that I have learned so far, and put together the pieces that help me achieve my parenting goals: Nurture my children, love them, and care for their needs. Establish clear limits, and consistent consequences for crossing those limits. Act swiftly to eliminate poor behaviors. Remain calm--if I am frustrated, then that is a sign that I have already let my child go too long in misbehavior, and should have addressed the problem sooner. Admonition involves both discipline and teaching....so I need to take the time to talk with my children about the expectation, their choice, and how choosing the poor behavior chose the consequence of that behavior. Require my children to acknowledge their wrongdoing, submit to the punishment, and apologize to the offended person (if applicable). My goal is that they will internalize my teachings to the point where they begin to acknowledge, submit, and repent on their own over time.
The most important discipline detail comes at the very end....ENCOURAGE! I do not leave admonition on a negative note. I am seeking to raise my children in the admonition of the Lord. Well, God is Love! When we repent, He forgives our sins. So, as a parent, I must forgive the misbehavior of my children. I answer every apology from my children with a smile and the words, "I forgive you." I end every discipline event with the encouragement that I know they will make a better choice next time.
I open my arms, ready to hug my child and remind them that I love them always. There is no misbehavior that will ever take that away.
1) nurture (love, care for)
2) admonition (counsel, correction)
2) admonition (counsel, correction)
BOTH are required. Discipline without love is abuse. Tending to a child's physical and emotional needs, without teaching them right from wrong, reduces them to the level of a pet. Human beings have individuality and character that need guidance.
I am a simple girl. I do not subscribe to detailed parenting theories. I can check every single one of my parenting decisions against this single, 2-part goal. If either of the two parts is out of balance, it shows very clearly in the results.
If I find myself aggravated or frustrated when disciplining my children, then it is obvious that my nurture response is out of focus. If my children are fed, clothed, hugged, kissed, and rested, but they are hitting, arguing, or breaking the rules, then my counsel/correction responsibility is out of balance. It is not good enough to have one without the other. Both pieces must be in harmony.
Before I had children, I worked at a Children's Psychiatric Hospital. I was trained in all of the popular "psychology-friendly" behavior management methods. I was actually responsible for demonstrating these methods, in order to train the biological parents. Considering that I knew a whole lot more about raising children before I ever had any, I was very good at this job. I set limits. I gave clear instructions. I issued "time-outs" (or loss of privelages) for misbehavior. I processed the situation with the child, following the time-out. I provided consistency. I was a team with the other staff, not allowing the children to split our authority. I mastered the method with time and experience.
And when it was time for me to move on to a career in biomedical research, I showed up to interview with the scientist who ran the lab, sporting a fat, busted-up lip.
A couple days prior, while engaging in a crisis response, I was punched in the face by a 10-year old patient. The problem with those psychology-friendly methods is that they lack a very key ingredient that every child needs: LOVE. Without love, children are unable to thrive. They carry a burden of bitterness, and they soon lose hope that anyone cares. Well, if no one cares, then what is the point in behaving? I've noticed that the parenting books and articles that support time outs (especially compared to spankings) as a primary behavior modification tool, ignore the rest of the psychology-friendly protocol. What if the child does not submit to the time-out? Well, in a psych hospital setting, children are moved to a padded room, with a door that can lock. Nurses are available with sedation medications in various levels. The degree that the child rebels is met with a degree of intervention that would cause loving parents to shudder. Drug them and lock them up....sounds like prison. And sadly, this is what some parents resort to, even at home, when their children are not obeying their authority. Benedryl has a sedative effect. And bedroom doors can be locked.
At the other end of the spectrum, spanking as a primary discipline tool, has become a very heated topic in our society. There appear to be a number of folks who speak out that their loving parents spanked them and taught them right from wrong. There are others who speak out with powerful language that spanking is beating and abusing a child. Considering the goals of nurture and admonition, both viewpoints can be correct.
I have noticed that folks who speak positively about spanking, especially in terms of their own childhood experiences, also mention knowing their parents loved them, and appreciating that their parents taught them right from wrong. Loving correction is a beautiful thing. Children are comforted knowing that their parents care enough about them to want them to achieve a higher standard of behavior.
Folks who speak negatively about spanking do not speak of a connection in loving discipline. They equate spanking with domestic violence and angry parents. Folks who are not as extreme in their language will mention spanking as a last resort, if they are really frustrated with their child's behavior. They praise other parenting methods when they are calm, and spanking when they are angry. That makes no sense to me. If nurture is not there, then abuse abounds. In my opinion, the spanking is not the problem....it is merely a discipline tool, just as a time-out is a discipline tool....the tool is not responsible for the way it is misused. Parents should be calm and controlled when they are administering discipline. The goal is not retaliation. The goal is to correct our children's ill behavior, and guide them toward healthy behavior, because we love them and want what is best for them.
I support spanking as a method of loving correction. I have had the benefit of mentors who demonstrated its proper use. Pain is a fast motivator. It doesn't take us long to learn about a hot stove or the strength of gravity. But, just as a time-out can escalate to neglect in a locked in a room, a spanking can escalate into physical abuse. It is important to establish boundaries and rules prior to administering discipline, so that we parents keep our emotions in check.
It comes down to the specifics....a specific instrument for administering the spanking, (a hand, a wooden spoon) a specific location (on the butt cheeks, and in the kitchen), and a specific goal to achieve (acknowledgment of wrongdoing, and submission to chastening). A parent should set up the parameters and stick to them. If the kitchen is the place where spankings are administered, then a parent will not be swatting the child on impulse in the hallway. If swats are only to be given on the butt cheeks, then a parent will not be slapping in the face or in the back of the head. Some folks use a chart to list the number of swats for different offenses. Others use a single swat per offense. Spankings appear to be most effective in the late toddler, preschooler, and kindergarten ages. The big secret that does not appear to come out in the heated debate, is that spanking as a form of loving correction eliminates itself. The need for spankings drops off quickly, as it is so effective in teaching a child the boundaries of obedience, parental authority, and right from wrong, that it renders itself rather rare and unnecessary by the early elementary school ages.
Time-outs and spankings are not the only tools of discipline, of course, but they appear to be among the most popular. They also seem to generally represent the different sides of the discipline method debate. There is more to the method than the tool though. The tool is only effective if the child submits to the chastening. A child needs to learn what is right and what is wrong. Punishment for wrong behavior must be accepted as the consequence for that choice. Regardless of what tool of discipline is used, if the child rebels against the consequence, the lesson is not learned. The foolish behavior must be driven from the heart of the child. A child who throws a tantrum, yells, and screams when they are told to go to their room, sit down for a time-out, or stand for a spanking, is rebelling against the consequence of their misbehavior. If a parent permits that behavior, then the actual punishment is of no use. If a parent has to wrestle their child into cooperating for a punishment, the child has not submitted to the parent's authority. Instead of learning right from wrong, the child is learning to dodge consequences, and rile their parent to distraction...until the original misbehavior goes ignored, due to the chaos of the parent-child struggle. Sometimes it seems easier to throw our hands up, announce that the discipline method does not work, and give up......and continue to raise an ill-behaved child. Unfortunately, children do not grow out of misbehavior. They carry those core values throughout their lifetime.
It is similar with adults. If I get a speeding ticket, is my response to accept that I was breaking the law, and received a proper consequence? Or is my response to complain about the stupid laws, insult the intentions of the police force, and try to deny any responsibility in the situation? My response is an outward expression of my values....what I hold to be true in my core, in my heart.
I've taken all the lessons in discipline that I have learned so far, and put together the pieces that help me achieve my parenting goals: Nurture my children, love them, and care for their needs. Establish clear limits, and consistent consequences for crossing those limits. Act swiftly to eliminate poor behaviors. Remain calm--if I am frustrated, then that is a sign that I have already let my child go too long in misbehavior, and should have addressed the problem sooner. Admonition involves both discipline and teaching....so I need to take the time to talk with my children about the expectation, their choice, and how choosing the poor behavior chose the consequence of that behavior. Require my children to acknowledge their wrongdoing, submit to the punishment, and apologize to the offended person (if applicable). My goal is that they will internalize my teachings to the point where they begin to acknowledge, submit, and repent on their own over time.
The most important discipline detail comes at the very end....ENCOURAGE! I do not leave admonition on a negative note. I am seeking to raise my children in the admonition of the Lord. Well, God is Love! When we repent, He forgives our sins. So, as a parent, I must forgive the misbehavior of my children. I answer every apology from my children with a smile and the words, "I forgive you." I end every discipline event with the encouragement that I know they will make a better choice next time.
I open my arms, ready to hug my child and remind them that I love them always. There is no misbehavior that will ever take that away.
No comments:
Post a Comment