Parenting requires a lot of work. First, there is tending to the basic needs of a very helpless newborn. All too soon, the workload grows into managing the child's behavior. There are tons of opinions on the best way to train (or not train) a child. When children are small, certain behaviors can be achieved simply by managing the child's environment. But, as our children grow, I am seeing that capturing their hearts is a much bigger challenge.
I thought parenting would get easier when my babies were sleeping through the night, and my sleep deprivation was over. Then, I thought parenting would get easier after we were past the age of the tantruming toddler. Then, I thought parenting would get easier when my children learned to obey my authority. Life does get easier when we accomplish each of those milestones. But, little did I know, my response in those earlier stages of parenting was setting me up for the giant task ahead: character training.
I have my own style for the earlier parenting tasks worked out, but character training scares me. It is so important.
It won't matter if a child learned to sleep through the night from sleep training versus co-sleeping (and all the methods in-between), if they end up sleeping their nights away in a prison cell. It won't matter if a toddler's tantrum is ignored by the parent, or halted by the parent (and all the methods in-between), if the child never learns self control. It won't matter if a child is redirected, spanked, given a time-out, praised or punished (or any of the other child raising techniques), if they never learn right from wrong. It won't matter how much love I give my children, if I fail to teach them about faith in God and their need for salvation.
I prefer to spoil my babies and train my toddlers. That is my personal style. I spoil, love, and nurture my babies to build their trust that I love them unconditionally, and I will care for every one of their physical and emotional needs. I do not worry about their schedule, what age they sleep through the night, or how long they play independently. I do not question if their cries are real or manipulative. I simply focus on making it absolutely certain to them that I, their mother, love them and will see to every one of their basic needs.
I realize that it would be mean of me to continue to parent that way beyond the first year of life. As my babies grow into mobile toddlers, they have the entire world before them. We have a sinful nature, and we naturally seek selfish gain. I find the toddler stage to be where I can clearly see their rebellion communicated. This is the age where I find it easiest to begin teaching right versus wrong, boundaries and limits, and my authority as the parent. For me personally, I am more confident in standing firm when safety is at stake. It is easy to excuse a toddler's tantrum as being a side-effect of being tired, hungry or ill. It may seem acceptable to excuse it away at the park. But, when it comes to being strapped into a car seat, or taking necessary medication, that is where I have full confidence to halt the tantrum and train my child to comply. Those are the times when I see clearly that no excuse is good enough to let a child ride unbuckled in a vehicle, or refuse to take life-saving heart medication. The child is too young to know what is best for them, and their life is at stake. That is why I am the parent. I am in charge.
The Bible explains that not correcting my children's misbehavior is shameful: The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame (Proverbs 29:15). Children are not going to learn right versus wrong on their own. If a parent does not take the time to teach these things when children are young, the police, judges, and prison system will teach them the limits of society later.
The Bible also encourages me that taking the time and extending the effort to train my children to behave appropriately will pay off: Correct thy son, and he shall give thee rest; yea, he shall give delight unto thy soul (Proverbs 19:17). This is one verse that seems to ring true for me daily. I receive countless comments from other parents about how they can't stand to be around their children for great lengths of time. To be honest, I would not want to be around their children for great lengths of time either. An ill-behaved child is irritating. A well-behaved child, on the other hand, is delightful.
Through the years, I have been following these biblical principles and finding a discipline style that achieves these goals. I find obedience training during the late toddler/preschool years to be quite successful at teaching my children right from wrong, and also establishing myself as the first authority over them. Obedience is immediate, thorough, and cheerful. I try to impart on my children that when I give them an instruction, they are to listen carefully and obey right away, to the best of their ability, with a happy heart. Obey has almost become a bad word in our society. We are told to focus on raising our children's self esteem instead. What I am learning through experience is that children are much more confident and secure when they clearly know where the boundaries are and who is in charge. A child may act like they want to be in charge, but that is really too large of a burden, and it causes them great stress. When the boundaries are weak or absent, their behavior becomes worse. When the boundaries are clear and maintained, the child can enjoy being a child, grow to their full potential, without the burden of adult responsibilities. More imporantly, my children must learn to obey my authority so that they will learn to obey other authorities in their life (police, laws, employers...), and ultimately learn to obey God.
The challenge in parenting is finding the ideal balance as we nurture and train. Too strict versus too lenient. Either extreme is unhealthy.
A couple months ago, I came across an article on the website of Focus on the Family. The author made the comment that the root of discipline is disciple. This simple concept really struck me. What if I move my parenting emphasis away from which method(s) I use to discipline my children, and instead focus on discipleship of my children? Lucky for me, our church recently began a Bible study about discipleship, to help me grow in this concept.
To disciple my children requires that I teach and mentor my children. I must model the behavior I want to teach them....set the example. "Do as I say, not as I do" will not achieve the results I want. I am looking to Pauls' example "Follow me, as I follow Christ" (Corinthians 11:1 Be ye followers of me, even as I also am of Christ.) Discipleship is about the relationship I have with my children. It is easier to follow the advice of someone if we trust that they have our best interests at heart. If my children know that I love them, that I care about them, and that I want what is best for them, then my teachings will have a greater effect on them.
Discipleship is about choice. When my children are grown, or even near-grown, they will choose to follow my wisdom or not. When they are small, we can physically require their cooperation. (If I want them to come with me, and they refuse, I can pick them up and make them come with me). But, there will come a day when I will no longer have physical control over my children. That is why it is so very important to have their hearts....to have their voluntary, cheerful, submission to my authority.
Discipleship is a combination of gifts to my children....they have my love, they have my correction, and they have my mentoring.
I thought parenting would get easier when my babies were sleeping through the night, and my sleep deprivation was over. Then, I thought parenting would get easier after we were past the age of the tantruming toddler. Then, I thought parenting would get easier when my children learned to obey my authority. Life does get easier when we accomplish each of those milestones. But, little did I know, my response in those earlier stages of parenting was setting me up for the giant task ahead: character training.
I have my own style for the earlier parenting tasks worked out, but character training scares me. It is so important.
It won't matter if a child learned to sleep through the night from sleep training versus co-sleeping (and all the methods in-between), if they end up sleeping their nights away in a prison cell. It won't matter if a toddler's tantrum is ignored by the parent, or halted by the parent (and all the methods in-between), if the child never learns self control. It won't matter if a child is redirected, spanked, given a time-out, praised or punished (or any of the other child raising techniques), if they never learn right from wrong. It won't matter how much love I give my children, if I fail to teach them about faith in God and their need for salvation.
I prefer to spoil my babies and train my toddlers. That is my personal style. I spoil, love, and nurture my babies to build their trust that I love them unconditionally, and I will care for every one of their physical and emotional needs. I do not worry about their schedule, what age they sleep through the night, or how long they play independently. I do not question if their cries are real or manipulative. I simply focus on making it absolutely certain to them that I, their mother, love them and will see to every one of their basic needs.
I realize that it would be mean of me to continue to parent that way beyond the first year of life. As my babies grow into mobile toddlers, they have the entire world before them. We have a sinful nature, and we naturally seek selfish gain. I find the toddler stage to be where I can clearly see their rebellion communicated. This is the age where I find it easiest to begin teaching right versus wrong, boundaries and limits, and my authority as the parent. For me personally, I am more confident in standing firm when safety is at stake. It is easy to excuse a toddler's tantrum as being a side-effect of being tired, hungry or ill. It may seem acceptable to excuse it away at the park. But, when it comes to being strapped into a car seat, or taking necessary medication, that is where I have full confidence to halt the tantrum and train my child to comply. Those are the times when I see clearly that no excuse is good enough to let a child ride unbuckled in a vehicle, or refuse to take life-saving heart medication. The child is too young to know what is best for them, and their life is at stake. That is why I am the parent. I am in charge.
The Bible explains that not correcting my children's misbehavior is shameful: The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame (Proverbs 29:15). Children are not going to learn right versus wrong on their own. If a parent does not take the time to teach these things when children are young, the police, judges, and prison system will teach them the limits of society later.
The Bible also encourages me that taking the time and extending the effort to train my children to behave appropriately will pay off: Correct thy son, and he shall give thee rest; yea, he shall give delight unto thy soul (Proverbs 19:17). This is one verse that seems to ring true for me daily. I receive countless comments from other parents about how they can't stand to be around their children for great lengths of time. To be honest, I would not want to be around their children for great lengths of time either. An ill-behaved child is irritating. A well-behaved child, on the other hand, is delightful.
Through the years, I have been following these biblical principles and finding a discipline style that achieves these goals. I find obedience training during the late toddler/preschool years to be quite successful at teaching my children right from wrong, and also establishing myself as the first authority over them. Obedience is immediate, thorough, and cheerful. I try to impart on my children that when I give them an instruction, they are to listen carefully and obey right away, to the best of their ability, with a happy heart. Obey has almost become a bad word in our society. We are told to focus on raising our children's self esteem instead. What I am learning through experience is that children are much more confident and secure when they clearly know where the boundaries are and who is in charge. A child may act like they want to be in charge, but that is really too large of a burden, and it causes them great stress. When the boundaries are weak or absent, their behavior becomes worse. When the boundaries are clear and maintained, the child can enjoy being a child, grow to their full potential, without the burden of adult responsibilities. More imporantly, my children must learn to obey my authority so that they will learn to obey other authorities in their life (police, laws, employers...), and ultimately learn to obey God.
The challenge in parenting is finding the ideal balance as we nurture and train. Too strict versus too lenient. Either extreme is unhealthy.
A couple months ago, I came across an article on the website of Focus on the Family. The author made the comment that the root of discipline is disciple. This simple concept really struck me. What if I move my parenting emphasis away from which method(s) I use to discipline my children, and instead focus on discipleship of my children? Lucky for me, our church recently began a Bible study about discipleship, to help me grow in this concept.
To disciple my children requires that I teach and mentor my children. I must model the behavior I want to teach them....set the example. "Do as I say, not as I do" will not achieve the results I want. I am looking to Pauls' example "Follow me, as I follow Christ" (Corinthians 11:1 Be ye followers of me, even as I also am of Christ.) Discipleship is about the relationship I have with my children. It is easier to follow the advice of someone if we trust that they have our best interests at heart. If my children know that I love them, that I care about them, and that I want what is best for them, then my teachings will have a greater effect on them.
Discipleship is about choice. When my children are grown, or even near-grown, they will choose to follow my wisdom or not. When they are small, we can physically require their cooperation. (If I want them to come with me, and they refuse, I can pick them up and make them come with me). But, there will come a day when I will no longer have physical control over my children. That is why it is so very important to have their hearts....to have their voluntary, cheerful, submission to my authority.
Discipleship is a combination of gifts to my children....they have my love, they have my correction, and they have my mentoring.
I saw a group on Facebook recently that had a post saying: "If you want to train your child, get a dog." I think the word train has gotten a bad wrap, as this poster claimed to be a Christian and others were making comments about how some parenting styles weren't Christian. I think some parents are too quick to force their schedule and wishes on their kids, but we are also to train them with discipleship and discipline! It is a balancing act, but as you said we can't just let our kids run the house.
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