Estranged

Our marriage relationship has is completely bizarre right now.  I don't even know what to think about it.

Estranged:  separated and living apart from one's spouse.

Even though I know he was entertaining the idea of moving out for quite some time, I admit that I am still surprised he actually carried through with it.

I never expected him to actually leave.

It is just so wrong to quit on marriage, and break up a family.  

As it became clearer that that he was actually going to leave....the day he finally told me that he had signed a lease on an apartment.....I think I went numb to the reality of the situation.

I tried to just stay focused on taking care of the kids.  Five kids, 1 pregnancy, extracurricular activities, housework, and homeschooling really helps one keep occupied.  

His random, financial threats gave me enough adrenaline to focus on survival, instead of the pain of rejection.

Any time that I would start to feel sad, I would comfort myself with the reminder that Baby Titus was due the week of our 14th wedding anniversary.  I had this new life to focus on, to help restore my joy in life.  There was no reason to focus on the negativity of the situation.

I also assured myself that this had to be a temporary situation.  Once The Referee got out to his own, he would be lonely and miss our family, right?  He would realize the grass isn't greener on the other side.  He would realize our life wasn't so bad after all.  I would just have to wait it out.

At least, that is what I told myself.

Unfortunately, that is not what has happened.

The Referee was serious about moving out.  He is convinced he needs to live alone.  

He still oscillates between assuring me that he is the one who is broken and needs time to heal and figure out how he can manage his life, and blaming me for his unhappiness.  I don't blame myself, but it sure hurts just the same to hear such comments when they are made.  Even if he takes them back or apologizes later, it seems there is still a desire to blame me.  

My friends and family rallied around me, assuring me they were praying for reconciliation, and asked if the kids and I had enough food and money to live.  My family is so pleased that The Referee is still so good to the kids, that they say they do not feel awkward around him.  He is being a good father, and that really matters.

The Referee's family helped him move, bought him housewarming gifts for his apartment, and counseled him to work within the legal system to get to keep more money for himself and provide less for me and the children.  (Even though when he started making plans to move out, he assured me he was going to provide for his children.)  They also encouraged him to file bankruptcy, claiming it will give him a fresh start.  One Uncle even encouraged him to use the information I emailed to family and friends about Titus' death and pending delivery, against me in court....certain that my sharing details about my life situation on email or Facebook would cause a judge to sympathize with The Referee.  I am not sure how my having to deliver a dead baby was going to help The Referee in a divorce hearing, but it certainly opened my eyes to the how low I rate in that maternal side of the family.  Not one person has inquired about how the children are doing, or if we need anything.  Not one person has encouraged reconciliation.   They appear to be pleased with the failed marriage, and the broken family.  It is really sickening.  (Thankfully, his paternal side of the  extended family has still been very kind toward me.  That side of the family does not appear to celebrate divorce.) 

Thankfully, the priorities of his family around the time of Titus' death, troubled The Referee as well.  He assured me that he did not share their attitudes about me.  His heart was completely softened toward me, as we had to face the death of our son.  He took time off work and stayed with me at the hospital for the induction and delivery.  He held Titus, took pictures, and admired this beautiful boy we had been briefly given.  He drove me home from the hospital, and inquired about my health and recovery.  He joined me in making funeral arrangements, and he blessed me with his participation at the memorial service.  

After seeing how much he still cared for his kids, and how kind he was being toward me, friends started to suggest that this tragedy might change hearts and bring forth healing of our marriage and family.  I can understand the thinking, because people just want the suffering to end.  But, I really can't see how the death of a baby can heal a marriage.  That just does not connect.  The two are not that related.  I am thankful that The Referee is being kinder toward me now though.  

Communication has improved for me, because I have been able to share my thoughts and feelings and pains about the situation.  The Referee has been able to apologize for some of his hot-headed threats, and  establish his full intent to provide for his children, and to spend time with them regularly, even though he is certain that he needs time to himself right now.  It is nice that we are both able to focus on the kids, and try to make things as easy on them as possible.

Without my coping tool of being able to focus on the new baby, I am really feeling the depth of my reality now.  I think it compounds my grief to have the failed marriage intertwined with the death of the baby who was suppose to be born the week of our wedding anniversary.  

Right now, we are not pursuing divorce.

We are physically separated, but not legally separated.  I suppose that is why the term estranged is needed.

There does not appear to be any affairs going on, or addictions, or double lives, or any of those common things that seem to complicate marital problems and speed up divorces.  

I suppose I should be thankful for that, as it certainly opens up more opportunity for reconciliation.  

I know that marriage is a covenant, and it is not to be broken.  I know that God hates divorce.  I know that it is best for the children to have both parents in the home.  So, I know that I need to be open to reconciliation of our marriage and our family...

Unfortunately, I think it would require multiple miracles for reconciliation to actually occur.

The pain of rejection is so fierce to me, that I think it would take a miracle to heal my broken heart.

I think it would take a miracle for The Referee to turn around from a bad decision and choose differently.  I have never known him to be remorseful, or to feel sorry for past action.  He usually tries to justify his choices, or else tries to bury them and ignore them and move forward pretending he doesn't have to deal with them.

As the numbness fades, I am feeling the vast pain of the reality of our relationship.  Right now, I oscillate between intense sadness, and anger.  I am sure that I am quite confusing to deal with lately.  At one interaction, I am able to be kind and focus on working out visitation plans with the kids, and be sympathetic to The Referee's grieving process.  At the next interaction (which can even be same day), I am either crying about the unfairness of it all.....or debating in anger about the unfairness of it all.  

I am doing a good job of getting out of bed each day, caring for the kids and the home.  Schooling is going well, and I am able to cheer the kids in their accomplishments.  I am allowing myself to heal from childbirth.  I am able to manage my main volunteer activities.  I am going through the motions of life.

I am just not yet to a point of being able to accept where my life is right now.  It seems so incredibly wrong  to have an estranged marriage and a broken family.  Unfortunately, I don't appear to get a choice in the matter.  

Worst of all, I no longer get to comfort myself with the joy of a new baby.