1 Month

Today marks 1 month since our son Titus was stillborn.

A single month certainly can pass quickly.

I am so very thankful that I took pictures of Titus after his birth, and that my friend took pictures for me.  I treasure those pictures, since I am not able to hold my baby anymore.  Seeing pictures of myself holding him is comforting to me.  I get a snapshot of an extremely important moment in my life.  

I am pleased with how I am doing these days.  Grieving is a process, and I feel like I am making progress through the process.  Sadness is apparent, but not as intense.  Most days I am able to smile and laugh again.  I have many more good days than tough days lately.  

I am still having difficulty with one area: sleep.  I am not sleeping well.  I get tired.  I go to bed on time, and even early sometimes.  But, sleep evades me.  I toss and turn and try every trick I can think of to rest.  This is such a switch from 2 weeks ago when I was so exhausted that I could drink Mountain Dew and immediately take a nap.  (I've actually eliminated caffeine in the evenings now, in an attempt to wind down for bedtime).  I am thinking my body is going to have to give in soon and get a good night's sleep.  Time will tell.  

Other than the sleep issue, I am feeling physically well.  I think I have healed nicely from childbirth.  My energy is returning.  My body is feeling stronger again.

I am glad that I took the time to write blog posts about my grief in the early days, because it is nice to read them and see just how far I've come in a month.  Reading about the intensity of my sadness and pain reminds me.  It is nice to realize that I do not feel that level of intensity today.  I am hoping this means that I am on a good path.  I know the emotion has the ability to blindside me again in the future, as that is just how grief cycles sometimes.  Right now, I feel confident I will have the strength to handle it when the time comes. 

I am starting to evaluate my life and make plans again.  I am goal-oriented, so this is a refreshing step for me.  I am trying to be careful to not rush into anything, fearing I will overwhelm myself.  Focusing on areas of homemaking and homeschooling is certainly enough to keep me moving forward right now.  I have resumed some of my volunteer activities at church.  I have also started reading more.  Reading is relaxing and gives my mind something else to think about other than the losses in my life.  

I am hopeful that this next month will see even more growth and healing.