It has been 12 years since I first grieved the death of a baby.
My, how times have changed!
When I was researching information about the grieving process, 12 years go, I came across many articles, books, and websites that talked about how death was previously considered a taboo subject, and not easily talked about in public. Those resources were encouraging bereaved parents to open up and talk about their pain, as it would help with the healing. That advice seemed logical to me at the time. An additional point I noticed as I shared my grief story was that other folks who had also dealt with the death of a child started talking about their stories and experiences. Times had changed, and it seemed it was a change for the better, because folks were talking and sharing, and facing their pain to bring about healing.
Today, I am noticing a completely different change in attitude about grieving. I believe it is a change for the worse. It appears to me that our society is trying to render mourning as inefficient, and grieving as unnecessary.
Mourning: the act of sorrowing or lamentation.
Culturally, this is expressed when folks wear black, or hang a flag at half-mast.
Grieving: to feel great sorrow.
Just under two weeks had passed since my son Titus arrived stillborn, when folks were already suggesting that I may need antidepressants for depression.
Really?
Depression in less than 2 weeks since the baby died?
The shock of the tragedy had barely worn off. It seemed perfectly logical to me that I would be in a state of intense emotional pain.
But, folks were quick to point out that I could get a quick fix to end the sadness with an antidepressant pill. Apparently, antidepressants are not just to restore brain chemistry anymore. They are presumed to remove sorrow now too?
I thought back to the time I was treated for postpartum depression. It was about 6 weeks after my first daughter had arrived stillborn. I was crying uncontrollably, at work, even though I was not thinking about the baby or the loss of my hopes and dreams. Folks assured me that I was just grieving, and eventually the crying would end. I was not so convinced, so I made an appointment. My doctor diagnosed me with a classic case of postpartum depression. He said it would be easy to miss, since I was grieving, and crying was expected with grief. The good doctor assured me that my hormones were out of whack and things would improve with treatment to get those hormones to behave. He was right.
So, the first thing I thought when the subject of antidepressants was brought up this time around, was that my doctor would tell me that it had only been 2 weeks and I was grieving. He would chuckle at the advice and remind me that crying was expected with grief. Grieving is a process, and it takes time to work through that process. I know this.
It is true that people can get stuck in the grieving process, and become unable to function in their life. This would warrant an evaluation for depression. It wasn't that long ago when people gave themselves a full year to grieve. If they were unable to cope after a year's time, treatment was considered.
I am not saying anything against antidepressant medications, depression treatments, or mental illness. I have seen the effects first-hand, and I fully support such treatments as soon as they are needed.....and before it is too late.
I do not agree that grieving is depression, or that antidepressants can remove the need to grieve. It seems to me that the medications would only mask the pain while under treatment. The pain will eventually have to be dealt with. Just ask anyone who has tried to suppress their pain and refused to work through their grief. That approach is not real effective, and leads to all kinds of other problems, behavioral and physical.
I started to challenge the argument for antidepressants so soon. Usually there are symptoms of depression to consider before making such a diagnosis. I was not withdrawn. I was functioning in my life. So, why think I was depressed?
Because I was just SO sad. That was the answer I was given. Plus, I was willing to admit it, instead of brushing off inquiries about my well-being, with an "I'm fine."
I just shake my head in dismay.
I am SO sad. That is true. I am extremely sad. I have had a tragedy occur in my life. I am certain that justifies the sadness.
My sadness is intense. But, it is not debilitating.
I know that it will ease in time.
Thankfully, I have friends and family who know these things. They encourage me to take my time and grieve. Take it easy and heal. Cry. Rest. Cry some more. Feel. Heal. Take the time now, or else the emotions will chase you down later.
It is working. 3 weeks haven now passed, and I am seeing better days again. I am having a couple better days, followed by one tough day. That is manageable. I expect that pattern to continue to improve, as I heal physically, and deal with the pain emotionally. My previous experience with grieving has armed me with the knowledge of how to treat myself now.
It is a good thing that I do not have to rely on some of these current trends. I can't even imagine the ramifications of trying to ignore the grieving process. I doubt coping is going to be achieved by prematurely taking antidepressant medication.
At first, I thought this was a changing attitude in people who have been previously treated for depression. Then, I came across a blog article, from Dr. Joanne Cacciatore, founder of the M.I.S.S Foundation, that opened my eyes that change is coming through the medical community as well:
It appears the new DSM V, that is set to come out next year, is changing its recommendations to suggest that folks can be treated for depression after just two weeks of facing the death of a loved one.
Yikes!
The shock barely wears off in 2 weeks. Usually the intense emotional pain is felt as the shock starts to wear off.
In my opinion, that phase is better described as sorrow, not depression.
It is just grief, people!
Grieving is a normal human response to the death of a loved one.
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