Trials. Ugh.

As I write through my grief, I have told about suffering from the depth of my pain.

I have mentioned how much I am struggling to make sense of my current circumstances.

Now, I realize I am wrestling with the lessons in my trials.

What is this?   A Christianity vocabulary lesson?

Forgive me if I sound frustrated.

I am frustrated.

This is not going to be your regular "happy-ending" testimony.

I am no where near happy or the ending.  I am definitely being tested.  

I have not learned how to express joy in the midst of my trials.  I am not mature like that.

I tend to go through trials kicking and screaming instead.

When I started out the trials in my marriage, I was strong in my faith.  I had confidence in God.

When I was told that my son, Titus, had died in the womb, I started to falter.

As the numbness wore off and the sadness intensified, I started to lose sight of God.

My children slept in Tuesday morning, but I was wide awake early.  The house was quiet.  I stayed in bed and thought and pondered and prayed.

It was not a prayer of thanksgiving.  It was a prayer of questioning and complaining.

My faith was shattered.  Could it ever be strengthened again?

Did I even matter to God anymore?

I thought about The Referee's answer when I posed that question a week ago.  He told me to remember what happened at the end of the book of Job....the part where God asks Job where was he when the world was created?  The Referee suggested that God's answer to Job was to trust Him.

So, I opened my Bible and turned to the book of Job.  I read the beginning, skimmed over the chapters about his long-winded friends, and focused on the end of the book.  I have studied Job a few times already.  I have heard it taught real well.  It appears I still have much to learn just from this one book.

I was drawn to the way that Job was humbled in God's presence.  This man who was considered righteous was saying he abhorred himself.  His view of himself changed dramatically when the standard became higher than himself.  His priorities changed real fast in the presence of God.  He was no longer feeling sorry for himself.  He had come to realize that what was most important was his existence and relationship with God.  Nothing else mattered.  

This struck me to the core.  I have been feeling sorry for myself.  I have been thinking about what I want.  I have been losing confidence in God.  My faith was faltering because I was only viewing my own standards. 

So I told God that I could see where I was, compared to the point Job obtained, but I could not see the path to get there.

I'm not sure it was such a good idea to mention that to God.

My entire day was consumed in Bible study of the areas where I am falling short.

Ouch!

Idolatry.  Yes, I was putting my desire for another baby above God.

Self-righteousness:  Yes, I believed I deserved to be blessed.  I have had enough trials already.

Disrespecting my husband:  Yes, I blame him!

I tried to get away from these revelations.  I set my Bible aside and picked up my phone instead.

Facebook:  When did all of my friends start posting so much scripture on Facebook?  Why did it all seem to apply to me?

Shut down Facebook, and started up Email:  Sure enough, there was an  email with a Bible quote at the end.  It applied to me.  Ugh.

Seriously?  Haven't I learned enough?  

I was starting to feel humble.  I was feeling it, I was feeling empty, and I was exhausted.  

I had skeletons in my closet, and my closet needed a good cleaning.  I had sins in my heart and my heart needed a good cleaning.  That was a lot of Spring Cleaning for one morning!

I was completely weary by the time I asked God what I was suppose to do now?  How do I cleanse these sins from my life?  Where do I start?  How do I let go of my desires and embrace that higher standard?

It appears I have a lot of work ahead of me.

As I was pondering what was I suppose to do now, I took a break and clicked on Facebook again.  Sure enough, a friend had posted a sermon video that caught my eye.

Pastor Mark Driscoll, of Mars Hill Church, wrote a marriage book with his wife.  He is now giving a sermon series about Real Marriage.  His sermons are available on the church website.  

Wow.  This is not your usual discussion about marriage.  It is a straight-forward presentation about what the Bible says about marriage, with real-world, practical applications that cut right into common problems.

I was stunned in a matter of minutes.  What a difference this knowledge might have made in my marriage had we heard this sermon series years ago.

Right now, The Referee has moved out.  We are not working on our marriage.  He says he no longer wants to put anymore thought or effort into our marriage.

So, why in the world would a sermon series on marriage affect me right now?

I don't know.  I'm still wrestling with the things I am learning.  I don't have answers.  I have a lot of room to grow.

Strangely, this sermon series on marriage is helping me grow as an individual.  It is odd.  I can't make sense of it.  But, each and every topic has multiple lessons for my life, for my mind, and for my heart.  

One thing I noticed is that Pastor Mark Driscoll is very direct about idolatry.  He is quick to point out things we may be placing before God.  That strikes close to my heart.  

I can see that my faith is being tried.

I don't like it.

But, I do realize that even though my faith has been faltering, it will never die.  As a Christian, I will never lose my relationship with God.  

Even though I am not feeling the joy in this trial, I am able to see that there is a purpose.

James 1:2 reminds me  

²My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations;

 ³Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. 

I wasn't really wanting to grow in patience.  But, apparently it is important.  James 5:11 also mentions it...

¹¹Behold, we count them happy which endure. 

Ye have heard of the patience of Job, 

and have seen the end of the Lord; 

that the Lord is very pitiful, and of tender mercy.

I certainly do not want to have to face trials.

I do not want to endure this painful situation I am in.

My Faith is certainly being challenged.

But, I can also see how trials grow us and sanctify us.

I see I have lessons to learn.

I see I have plenty of room for growth.

I know that my Faith will endure.....and will probably even grow.

I am not sure I will be fully cooperative.

I am guessing that I have much more wrestling ahead of me.