My Mom gave me the best encouragement as a mother, when she told me "God gave this child to YOU. He knows YOU are the best Mom for this child. No one will know YOUR child better than YOU. Don't worry about what anyone else says or thinks YOU should do while raising YOUR child. YOU already know how to take care of her. God gave YOU the answers in your heart. TRUST YOURSELF!" [emphasis mine]
My husband attempted to say the same thing when he told me, "We do what works for us." (He is a man of few words)
This advice was given to me at a time in my early motherhood when I was a basket case, trying to be the perfect Mom. I was reading parenting books, parenting websites, and paying attention to all the advice any parent was giving. My husband would come home from work, see the child care books on the table, and groan "Nooo, not again!" Parenting advice is everywhere, but hardly anyone is in agreement as to the "best" way to raise children. The so-called parenting "experts" provide theories of parenting that are polar opposite to each other. In addition, Moms feel the pressure and criticism everywhere we go. I've met Moms who did not like Mommy groups like MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) because they felt they were not measuring up to other Moms. My sisters and I joke that if you go to a park with other Moms, you eventually get into a conversation about the "stats" of your child, as if they were all professional baseball players....
What percentile is he on the growth chart? How long did you breastfeed her? Is she crawling yet? Will he eat vegetables? Is he potty trained? What age did your child learn their colors? Is your kindergartener reading yet? You mean your 2-year-old isn't already taking Calculus?
It isn't that Moms try to make each other feel bad, it is that they are looking for some assurance that they are doing well. There is no level of perfection that can be obtained. Parents are not perfect. Kids are not perfect. We come in all different shapes, sizes, colors, gifts, and abilities. Those growth charts are meant to help identify a trend of growth so that caregivers can be aware when there is a change in the trend that might warrant attention. (With Jersey #2, her doctors assured me they did not care what curve she was on, but they insisted she needed to pick a curve and stick to it or else they would be tempted to intervene). Developmental milestones come with a wide range of what's "normal," because they too are looking for the outliers. It is not a competition. But, we Moms tend to celebrate when our child is in the front of the trend, and worry when our child is toward the back of the trend. Pressure is added when one Mom is cheerfully sharing her child's advancement, when it is in the category that another Mom is already worrying about her child's slower progression. Add the "advice" we give about how we parented that child to that level, and in no time at all, insecurities are deepening all around us. It is hard to turn to other generations of mothers for support, because times were different, trends change, and we don't always remember things accurately. (We've been told that my husband was working 100 piece puzzles by himself at 18 months old.....but our children were only eating or throwing puzzle pieces at 18 months old!) Sometimes it is the grandmas who are adding the pressure....
Are you still giving the breast/bottle/pacifier? When I was raising kids, we weaned them at ___ age!
I knew a whole lot more about parenting before I had children. I've since had enough children to know that no one is an expert on children, because children are not all the same. With 5 children, I would need 5 different parenting expert books, because my children are THAT different from each other. I would have been fine if I had read one style of parenting book for Jersey #1 and a completely different style of parenting book for Jersey #2. They were so different and fit different textbooks. I will have to write my own book for Jersey #3, because I have not met another child like him. A friend suggested that Jersey #4 fit the description her Mom gave for her little sister....no one should come in contact with her unless they have already had at least 2 children! Jersey #5 is a dream so far, with his easy-going personality. If he were my first baby, I would have thought I was the perfect Mom. Ha! I know better than that now!
Thankfully, I now have the full knowledge and confidence from my own mother's advice. My Mom is the BEST Mom for me. I am the BEST Mom for MY kids. My sisters are the BEST Moms for my niece and nephews. My fellow Mommy friends are the BEST Moms for their own children. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise!
My husband attempted to say the same thing when he told me, "We do what works for us." (He is a man of few words)
This advice was given to me at a time in my early motherhood when I was a basket case, trying to be the perfect Mom. I was reading parenting books, parenting websites, and paying attention to all the advice any parent was giving. My husband would come home from work, see the child care books on the table, and groan "Nooo, not again!" Parenting advice is everywhere, but hardly anyone is in agreement as to the "best" way to raise children. The so-called parenting "experts" provide theories of parenting that are polar opposite to each other. In addition, Moms feel the pressure and criticism everywhere we go. I've met Moms who did not like Mommy groups like MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) because they felt they were not measuring up to other Moms. My sisters and I joke that if you go to a park with other Moms, you eventually get into a conversation about the "stats" of your child, as if they were all professional baseball players....
What percentile is he on the growth chart? How long did you breastfeed her? Is she crawling yet? Will he eat vegetables? Is he potty trained? What age did your child learn their colors? Is your kindergartener reading yet? You mean your 2-year-old isn't already taking Calculus?
It isn't that Moms try to make each other feel bad, it is that they are looking for some assurance that they are doing well. There is no level of perfection that can be obtained. Parents are not perfect. Kids are not perfect. We come in all different shapes, sizes, colors, gifts, and abilities. Those growth charts are meant to help identify a trend of growth so that caregivers can be aware when there is a change in the trend that might warrant attention. (With Jersey #2, her doctors assured me they did not care what curve she was on, but they insisted she needed to pick a curve and stick to it or else they would be tempted to intervene). Developmental milestones come with a wide range of what's "normal," because they too are looking for the outliers. It is not a competition. But, we Moms tend to celebrate when our child is in the front of the trend, and worry when our child is toward the back of the trend. Pressure is added when one Mom is cheerfully sharing her child's advancement, when it is in the category that another Mom is already worrying about her child's slower progression. Add the "advice" we give about how we parented that child to that level, and in no time at all, insecurities are deepening all around us. It is hard to turn to other generations of mothers for support, because times were different, trends change, and we don't always remember things accurately. (We've been told that my husband was working 100 piece puzzles by himself at 18 months old.....but our children were only eating or throwing puzzle pieces at 18 months old!) Sometimes it is the grandmas who are adding the pressure....
Are you still giving the breast/bottle/pacifier? When I was raising kids, we weaned them at ___ age!
I knew a whole lot more about parenting before I had children. I've since had enough children to know that no one is an expert on children, because children are not all the same. With 5 children, I would need 5 different parenting expert books, because my children are THAT different from each other. I would have been fine if I had read one style of parenting book for Jersey #1 and a completely different style of parenting book for Jersey #2. They were so different and fit different textbooks. I will have to write my own book for Jersey #3, because I have not met another child like him. A friend suggested that Jersey #4 fit the description her Mom gave for her little sister....no one should come in contact with her unless they have already had at least 2 children! Jersey #5 is a dream so far, with his easy-going personality. If he were my first baby, I would have thought I was the perfect Mom. Ha! I know better than that now!
Thankfully, I now have the full knowledge and confidence from my own mother's advice. My Mom is the BEST Mom for me. I am the BEST Mom for MY kids. My sisters are the BEST Moms for my niece and nephews. My fellow Mommy friends are the BEST Moms for their own children. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise!
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