Vulnerable

 This morning, I was standing the in kitchen, at the stove, sauteing vegetables, when I started crying.

I am dodging thoughts and emotions, left and right, and getting clobbered by a few along the way.  

At least I am not angry anymore.  That is something, I guess.

We switched internet providers, and the new service was set to be started up yesterday.  The Referee kindly took care of initiating the new service, and then came over on his lunch break to hook up the modem and have it all set to run as soon as the service was turned on by the company.  Much to my shock, a serviceman arrived at the door that afternoon, saying he was there to install.  I was not expecting an installation person, as everything was already in place, and nothing needed to be installed.  This man insisted he had to do the service.  In the end, he was wrong, and it was all set to be turned on.  But, he still succeeded in throwing me off my groove, and sending me in a frenzy. 

I do not like to be home alone, especially with my children, when service folks arrive.  I do not like strange men to come into my home.  I feel vulnerable, and unsure of how to keep the kids and myself safe.  Knowing this, The Referee has tried to set up service in the past, when he can be here.  I have always depended on my husband for protection.  

So, when this service guy shows up, I am in the middle of cooking grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup.  As I try to explain to this guy that everything is set up....and he insists that he needs to check the "box"....and that means I have to bring the dogs in so he can go out to the side of the house......and the soup boils over, and the sandwiches burn on one side.  In the end, none of that was necessary, and he didn't even need to be there.  He did nothing but cause me unexpected stress.

By the time The Referee returned that evening, to make sure all was running well, I was still in a state of agitation and frazzle.  As I retold the story to him, I caught myself admitting out loud,

I hate feeling vulnerable.

And, then, a light bulb went on.  That's it!  That is what is holding me back right now.  When I pray to God that I want my life to be in His will, I typically have the *fine print* request that I will be willing to handle anything as long as I don't have to feel vulnerable.  I don't like to be physically vulnerable, or emotionally vulnerable.

Right now, I am so vulnerable that it isn't even funny.  

I am not in control of our provision.  I am completely dependent on my husband taking the time to transfer money into my bank account each payday, so that I can feed the kids and pay the mortgage.  He has been faithful to do so, every single payday.  Still, it is up to him to make it happen.  There is no legal documents in place to require it.  He is in control of providing for us.  I can only make financial decisions based on what I have.  I am having to live entirely in the present, and make sure the most basic of needs are covered first.  This is an entirely new way of living for me, as I usually like to dream, plan, and set goals. 

I am completely vulnerable in the state of my relationship with my husband, and our marriage.  The vows have been extinguished.  Nothing is sacred.  I do not get to choose whether the marriage will survive or end.  I have no way of knowing what the outcome will be.  I can choose to take sinful actions of my own, or I can choose to remain faithful to my marriage, and wait and see what happens over time.  I have never been good at waiting patiently for something that I want.  

I am completely vulnerable to the ways that our broken family is going to affect the children.  My heart aches every time Jersey #3 or Jersey #4 tells me, "Mommy, I miss Daddy."  I give them a hug, and answer, "I understand.  I miss him too."  I am so clueless as to how to handle this situation that I just have to pray, "Lord, show me the way."  Jersey #2 is my deep thinker.  She is struggling with the status of her character.  Is she a bad person?  Is the stress of her heart condition what was "too much" for her father to handle?  I have been told by others that they blame themselves for their parent's divorce.  I do not want Jersey #2 have such thoughts and feelings, but I can't control how this situation is impacting her.    I hug her and hold her, and remind her how God sees her, and how I see her...how special and amazing she really is.  I just hope and pray that I am enough of an influence to keep her self worth afloat.  With Jersey #1 I wonder if it is too late, or will things ever be able to be repaired?  She acts completely un-phased by whether or not she sees her Dad now.  She is pleased to see him when he comes around, yet doesn't mention him any other time.  Has she given up on having him in her life?  Oh, I fear the consequences of that path.  This is the vulnerability I hate the most.  Broken families create broken people.  I never wanted my children to be broken.  I just pray that I can be enough of a stabilizing force to keep them on a healthier path than the generations before them.  

I am completely vulnerable about my own future.  What plans can I make?  I have always defined myself by my faith and my status as wife, mother, and career.  I had always planned to be Christian, wife, mother, and doctor.  Letting go of the medical career plans when Jersey #2 needed me at home, was tough.  Letting go of the role of wife, because my husband left me, has been humiliating, sad, and lonely.  Letting go of my plans for motherhood, because my baby Titus died, have been excruciating.  

On Sunday, I heard word that there had been a death in the family of one of my Dad's coworkers.  A 17-year old boy had been killed in a car accident.  He was set to graduate high school next week.  I thought about the pain his parents were facing, having just raised this child to near-adulthood, only to lose him so suddenly.  It opened my eyes to just how short life really is.  I decided it was time to stop dwelling about my own life, and just deal with what came my way.  Life is too short to be miserable.  Spending all this time on the "what if's" and "what could have been's" is wasteful and inefficient.

If I am meant to go through life as a single Mom who does not have a husband to love me, then so be it.  If I am meant to parent the kids myself, and train them the in way they should go, then so be it.  If I am meant to do my best to raise the 5 wonderful children I have, and not one more, then I will just have to accept that.  If I am meant to have some sort of a career in the future, I will just have to see how that unfolds for me.  The only defining trait I have not lost is my faith that God is in control.  He will see me through this journey.

I reflected on the Not a Fan sermons, and decided that it was time to take the stand that I would be a completely committed follower too.  I will deny my own plans, dreams, and expectations for my life, and I will follow God's will for my life instead.  

I have been starting down the path to Nursing, and thought I could find a more efficient way to get there.  Instead, it has been clear to me that the path is a steady stroll, not a sprint.  I had to give up my career plans before, so this was an easy one to say to God, "Ok.  I let go of my plans for this course.  I will go through each door when it is opened, and not try to race ahead."  I was pleased with my progress and the peace it brought me.

Yesterday, when my husband came over to set up the internet, and we talked about some financial matters, my anger toward him dissipated.  I was grateful for the ways he was providing, and the things he was taking responsibility for.  I said to God, "Ok.  I will be grateful for all the ways that my husband is still providing for our needs, instead of focusing on what I feel is missing.  I will continue to respect him.  If I am meant to go through the rest of my life alone, I will."  I was pleased with my attitude adjustment, and the peace it brought me.

The true test has come at me in a slow buildup, until I broke.  It started with a couple different friends who are newly married, announcing their pregnancies on Facebook.  Their comments brought back memories of the time when my husband and I were young, in love, newly married, and excited about growing our family too.  Such bittersweet memories of our innocence.  Next, came the announcement of a new cousin who was born into the family.  I was truly excited for the parents.  Babies are a blessing.  Then, when the pictures went up on Facebook, I looked at the beautiful bundle wrapped up in the hospital blanket, wearing the hospital hat, and my mind was flooded with memories of being in the hospital to deliver Titus.  He was too small for the hospital hat.  I thought of all of the baby pictures I have of our beautiful bundles, wrapped up in those hospital blankets.  I remember the joy I felt as I admired each new life that was given to us.  I am sad to face the fact that those experiences will only remain as memories for me now.  There will be no more bundles of new life, wrapped in hospital blankets, for me.  And then I met up with a friend this morning, who happily shared that she is pregnant!  In the same instant, I was so very excited for her, and so very pained for myself.  Jealousy.  This friend and I have shared so many pregnancies together, and tales of our experiences raising a large family.  She is continuing on that journey, and my path has diverged to a new direction.  As I drove home, I repeatedly looked up to heaven and asked, 

"Really God?  Do I really have to face this now?  Do I really have to endure this test where I learn to accept that I will have no more children, and walk alongside my friend and celebrate that she gets to continue this journey and live a life similar to the one I dreamed of for myself?  I can handle other people being pregnant.  But, this one is really close to me.  This is going to require me to actually let go of my own desires."  I argued, "But, it is too soon.  I am still grieving.  I don't want to let go of this desire now."

As I stood in the kitchen, cooking vegetables on the stove, God spoke to my heart.

"Yes, now."

So, I cried.

I cried because the truth stands alone.  I must deny all of my desires if I am going to truly follow God's plan for my life.  It is not easy.  Actually, it is quite difficult.  My entitlements have been strong.  Letting go of them leaves me weak and vulnerable.  

I feel vulnerable.

I also feel peace.

It is Ok if I am vulnerable in this life's journey.  I have no reason to fear.  God is in control.