Completely. Committed. Follower

I entered my Pastor's office with the simple notion of asking a couple questions about a topic from last week's Sunday school lesson.  He was only into a few sentences of his explanation before I started crying.  I did not intend to have a therapy session.  I wasn't even talking about my own pain, yet I could not hold back my emotions as he taught me the lesson I had been previously struggling through.  

Pastor recently started the sermon series not a fan a few weeks ago.  It is a good one.  The basic point is that many Christians are fans of Jesus, enthusiastic admirers.  But, Jesus calls us to be committed, to pick up our cross and follow him.  Well, carrying a cross is not any fun.  That is a tough choice to make.  The Bible promises us that it is worth it.  

I started the first week of this series embittered.  The circumstances of my current life just didn't seem like much of a choice to me.  I feel like I am burdened enough as it is, and can't seem to catch a break.  Why do I feel like I am always having crosses dropped on me, buckling from the weight that is too much to carry, when other Christians go about their lives happy-go-lucky, without any sign of real tests or trials.  Where is my choice here?  Can I have the option for the easier life too?  At the start of this series, I angrily thought it sounded pretty good to have the luxury of just being a fan of Jesus.  I did not see that I had any choice.

I have since come to my senses a bit more.  I am thinking I may have been going through a bit of the "anger" phase of grieving, at the same time this new sermon series started to challenge me.  It is clear I have been struggling.  

One of the biggest breakthroughs I learned from this seminar series so far, is the misunderstanding about how God deals with man.  We tend to state that if we are good, God will bless us.  If we are bad, God will punish us.  So, when we experience bad things in our life, we immediately start to question what we have done to deserve this.  As if the personal questioning isn't bad enough, we feel the judgment of others, especially other Christians.  I have felt the sting from folks in my own church, who suddenly seem to look down on me and my children, as if we are second-class citizens now that our family is broken.  All of a sudden, I feel like I have been given the gift of looking into a person's heart.  I glance around the sanctuary on Sunday morning, and I can sense who genuinely cares about me and who really doesn't.  At first, it was a very uncomfortable feeling, and I started to avoid the folks who I know cast judgement.  As time passes, I am being shown the need to pray for these folks, and to love them anyway (a lesson that I am not even close to achieving right now, as I am still struggling with some anger).  

I am being humbled by this trial as well.  I used to strongly believe that most problems in life were a matter of poor choices.  I did not have as much sympathy for folks who were "down on their luck," because I could see or guess the choices that got them to that position.  Considering that my current state of being a single Mom and separated from my husband, is not a choice I made, I have a whole new perspective on hardships in life.  

I am reminded to not lose heart right now.  The judgmental folks are not the followers that God calls us to be.  The difference is love.  Even when life falls apart, nothing can separate us from God's love.  The Bible tells us that those who mourn shall be comforted.  I see that so clearly now.  The Christian folks who are walking in and living out their Faith, are the very folks who bring me comfort.  They show God's love, regardless of the current status of my life, marriage, or family.

In his sermon today, Pastor spoke of the sinful woman who approached Jesus in Luke 7:  36-50.  She made herself vulnerable to Christ and to everyone else at the dinner.  The others were judging her the moment she entered.  The homeowner openly judged her, and judged Christ for even dealing with her.  I can relate.  I feel judged by others.  I do not like feeling vulnerable at all.  This is the exact thing that I struggle with the most in my current life situation.  I am vulnerable, and it really stinks.  

Pastor's advice today was to grow closer to God.  Trust God.  Live out my life for His Glory.  There will be blessings, even in the midst of the storm.  Followers embrace intimacy.

Pastor reminded me that some trials are specifically for God's glory.  He said it was wise to question myself and seek out any areas that need tending.  Don't dwell there.  Some trials are not direct consequences of our behavior.  Even if we are victims of a trial, there is always room to grow.  Instead of focusing on what I have done that is good or bad, or what I may or may not deserve, it is time to focus on how can I grow closer to God through this trial?  

What is the Lord challenging me to do right now?

To pick up my cross, and carry it.  Stop laying on the ground, crying about it and complaining about it.

A major point in this Not a fan series is that a fan would not even consider taking up a cross.  Carrying a cross is not comfortable.  The cross represents defeat, disappointment, and death.  Death to our plans, pleasures, goals, bitterness, and entitlement.  (Oh yeah, I am full of those things.)  Followers are willing to deny themselves.  

Death to my plans and my entitlement.  Those are the hardest to let go.  I had plans!  Big plans!  Great plans!  My plans were for good things.  I want to achieve my goals.  My anger is fueled by my sense of entitlement.  This is just not the way my life was suppose to go.  Right now, I just can't see what is going to happen in my near future. 

It was meant to be this way.  I must fully rely on God now, as I can no longer rely on my own plans.  I can't be self-reliant.  I must have the desire for the things of God, and not the desire for the things of the world.  I have to let go of my plans.

God calls us to follow Him in Faith.  I must walk by Faith.  God is in control.  He knows how I feel.  He knows how I hurt.  He knows what I am thinking.  I become more vulnerable the more I realize His power.  I also walk closer with Him.

I am shouldering a lot of responsibility and pain right now.  I didn't ask for it.  I am also shouldering a lot of entitlement right now.  That comes from within me.  The two sides are at odds.  My entitlement encourages me to be angry about my responsibility and pain.  I want to rebel against it.

I have decided to drop the turmoil instead.  I am SO done with this struggle.

It is the cross that separates fans from followers.

It is time for me to release my bitterness and entitlement over how my life is not going the way that I planned.  It doesn't matter how wrong this trial in my life really is.  It doesn't matter what judgmental folks think about me or this situation I am in.  

It is time to take up this cross, and follow Christ.  Not a fan.  A completely committed follower.

The might of God will show through my weaknesses.  God can get the glory through everything!