The Anger Phase

It is time to face the fact that I am traveling through the anger phase of the grief cycle.

It is not fun.

I had a friend call me out on it today.  She told me that I just don't seem like myself.  She is right.  I have been feeling a bit off lately.  Even though I have been mulling over the thoughts in my head, it was so much nicer to explain those thoughts to her instead.  I process better when I can put my thoughts into words.  

The strange thing about the anger phase of grief, is that it is stored in my mind and my heart right now.  I am not going around acting angry.  I am not yelling, or quarreling, or upset.  As I think through my current situation, my thoughts are angry thoughts about my life.  I feel the disconnect.  I am moving along, going through the motions of my days, yet I am troubled in my thoughts.  

Earlier this week, I enjoyed an opportunity to go out to dinner with some ladies from my church.  We went to an Italian restaurant, where I ate the most delicious lasagna I have ever tasted.  The evening was fun.  The conversation was entertaining.  I really enjoyed myself.  Yet, I felt so off.   

The other three ladies are married.  Their marriages are certainly going much better than mine, as their husbands still want to be married to them.  It was natural for them to chat about their husbands, throughout the evening's conversations.  As we talked about preferences and priorities, it was easy for them to mention differences they held from their husbands, and ways they had to negotiate those differences.  It is a common conversation style among women.  Even though they all know my husband also, it was not natural for me to talk about him in the same fashion.  

I felt awkward and misplaced.  My marriage is in the past, and is not very relevant to my present, and seems absent from my future.  Sitting with these ladies, I felt the biggest realization about how alone I really am right now.  

The waiter made a strange comment about how come we were a table full of homeschool Moms, but none of us were wearing wedding rings.  He was very incorrect in his observation, as 3 out of 4 of us were wearing wedding rings.  The one who was not, immediately went into the story about how she had recently lost her wedding ring.  I had to bite my tongue, as the sour thought went through my head:

I am wearing my wedding ring, but my husband is not!     

Wow!  I am really starting to sound bitter.  That was my first clue that I am harboring some anger.

As payday arrived, and I went over the budget again, my anger has fueled.  It is such a tight budget.  There is no room for vehicle maintenance, or activities for the kids.  In order to do the few activities we are currently doing, I am taking funds out of the grocery budget.  It looks like I am going to have to dis-enroll Jersey#1 from the enrichment program we had her in, because I am not sure how to pay for it this next school year.  I am no where close to being able to afford the headstone for the babies' grave, which really bothers me.

It is so unfair to have to deal with this financial stress, just so my estranged husband can live for himself! The wrongness of our situation infuriates me.  Thinking about the amount of money that has been wasted on legal fees, due to the way he decided to leave with hostility and threats, makes matters so much worse.  What a waste!  What an incredibly expensive learning process this has been.  

One friend mentioned how she and her husband handled a miscarriage together.  I was sad to hear of her suffering.  Then, I was jealous about how she had such comfort from her husband.  Then, I was angry about my own loss of Titus, and how much of that heartbreak I have to bare on my own.  I have no husband to share my grief.  He says he is numb to it all.  I have no husband to hold me and support me while I cry through the pain.  I cry alone.  

The biggest element of my anger comes from the lack of hope that things will ever improve.  There are short term blessings, like safety and stability in our home, along with food, clothing, and shelter being provided.  I am not certain how long that will last, or when the next crisis will arrive.  I do not see things getting better financially until I am able to bring in an income myself.  I do not see a way for our family to reunite.  I have been finding some healing recently, due to conversations with my husband.  He has taken responsibility for his actions and has apologized for some of his mistreatments, which has really helped me mend some of areas where I felt hurt the most.  At the same time, he wants it to be clear that he wants to live alone and does not want to get my hopes up about any chance of reconciliation.    

To drive his point home, he made arrangements to go see the magician duo Penn & Teller, and never considered inviting me.  Going out to see our favorite comedians perform, and going to concerts were the things we used to enjoy together.  He invited a friend to go with him, but that friend already had plans with his own wife to see a different entertainer.  Imagine that--a husband and wife going out to a performance together!  On at least 3 occasions, he commented to me that he was going to go to the show alone, because he had no one to go with.  It took all my strength to hold my tongue and not lash out at him that he doesn't want to go out with the very person who would go out with him!   

And this is where I vacillate between anger at my husband and anger at God.  I am angry at my husband for leaving me.  I am angry at God because I am not suppose to seek revenge (and I want to).  I am angry at my husband for breaking every promise he has ever made to me, including our wedding vows.  I am angry that he gets the option of quitting our marriage.  I am angry at God that I am not suppose to seek another mate.  I am angry that my husband recently commented that he knows he can move back home if he wants to.  I am angry that it is true---I am certain I would allow that for the kids' sake.  I am angry that he doesn't want to return home.  I am angry that I am so heartbroken and bitter that I don't even want him to return home right now.....and maybe even never.  I am angry that I have to put my own desires aside, and feel like a doormat, just to keep enough peace so that my children can have the opportunity to have a relationship with their Father.  I am angry that I do not have the opportunity to have anymore children.  I am SO angry because this is not the way that marriage and family is suppose to go.  

I am angry that my opportunity for love and romance is gone.  I am angry that I was stupid enough to marry a broken man from a dysfunctional home....and now I have a broken marriage and a broken family.    I am angry that I have been in a relationship with him for the past 20 years, and he can so easily go and throw that relationship away.  I am angry that he only talks to me because I am the mother of his children, and he still wants a relationship with his children.  I am angry that he thinks I can be cast aside so easily.

The truth is that he did cast me aside so easily.  He has no value for me (other than as the mother of his children), but he doesn't think I should take it personal.  I am angry that this situation tests every ounce of my upbringing and my faith.  My Mom taught that selfishness ends when you have kids, because the needs of the kids must come first.  So, I hold my tongue and try to remain friendly, to encourage him to come around and see his kids.  My Mom also encouraged us to marry for love.  She wanted her children to be educated and able to stand on our own two feet.  I followed her advice.  I completed college, can maintain a career, and married the man I loved.  Now, I am angry that I love him.  What a fool I have been to pour my time, energy, efforts, and love into this man who wants to run away and be alone.  He doesn't cherish me.  He doesn't want to spend his life with me anymore.  Those 20 years have been wasted.  To make matters worse, I don't get the opportunity to pursue a new relationship with a real man who would actually value his marriage.  That would be considered adultery.  Lovely.

What I would really like to do is to tell my husband to kiss my ass, and then walk away from him forever, and pursue a new relationship with a man who would actually love me, and particularly a man who would be willing to raise a large family.  He had his chance and blew it.  I am way more valuable than he acknowledges.  Unfortunately, that is not the response that is best for the kids, and their needs come before my own.  Instead, I am suppose to endure this challenge, and pray for reconciliation.  Well, I am strong enough to endure, even though it makes me angry.  I have been praying for healing, but I have not yet been able to bring myself to pray for reconciliation.

What I need to do is pray that I get through this anger phase soon, because I do not want to dwell in bitterness.