Facing a Bully

Jersey #2 just taught me a thing or two about how to handle a bully.

I am amazed.

Four weeks ago, she approached me in the midst of AWANA and told me that a girl in her class was pushing in line and talking rudely to her. I casually suggested she tell the girl that behavior was mean, and she shouldn't treat others that way.

Later that night, Jersey #2 reports to me that the mean girl did not like being called mean, (I said tell her the behavior was mean, and Jersey #2 said, "You are mean!") and reacted by kicking her in the leg while the class had their heads bowed and eyes closed for the closing prayer.

The next week (week #2), the car ride home from AWANA was filled with stories about all the mean behaviors this bully did to various kids over the last few weeks, and how she was targeting Jersey #2 most of the time now.

My suggestion to Jersey #2 was to keep her space, and not go around this bully girl. Jersey #2 did not accept that answer. She informed me that she needed to teach this girl how to be nice. I explained to Jersey #2 that IF she was going to take on this bully girl as a mission project, then she would have to face the consequences. The girl may come around or she may respond worse. Jersey #2 was adamant that she did not know if the bully knew Jesus, so she needed to show her the love of Jesus.

(Here is where I admit I was rather excited and proud to learn that Jersey #2 was listening to my attempts to teach the kids to be a good friend to everyone).

I made sure that she understood that approaching a bully can be harmful, as the bully has already demonstrated. I did not want her to get hurt. I also explained that in order to be a good friend to the bully, then she needed to always be kind, no matter how mean the bully responded. So, informing the bully that she was mean is actually name-calling, and that is not loving. We had a brief discussion about the "turn the other cheek" lesson from the Bible.

The next week (week 3 of this situation), Jersey #2 reports that the bully girl was extra-mean to her that evening. The bully hangs out with 2 other girls, and informed Jersey #2 that they were not her friends, so she had no business talking to them. Jersey #2 seemed upset to learn that one of the girls (girl-A) was no longer her friend, as they had been friends before. She was nearly tearful as she talked about her fears of having just lost a friend like that. She could not let go of the idea that she just needed to ask girl-A and get the truth right from the source. She was also upset that the bully girl had been mean to girl-A that night, and when Jersey #2 attempted to comfort girl-A, the bully intervened physically, and would not permit it.

I explained to Jersey #2 that if she continues to challenge this bully, she might end up hurt, and I didn't want that to happen. I assured her that I supported her desire to be a good friend to everyone....and to comfort any one in need. But, I also expressed my concern for her safety.

The Referee joined the conversation, and had a discussion with Jersey #2 about defending herself. His position on how to handle a bully is to not let the bully get away with mistreatment. He talked about some of the Tae Kwon Do moves he had taught her, and what they are for. The more he tried to encourage her to defend herself, Jersey #2 started to cry.

I interjected and explained to The Referee that in spite of my advice to take the passive approach and stay away from the bully, and in spite of his approach to challenge the bully and be prepared to defend herself, Jersey #2's approach was to take the stand that she was going to be a friend to the bully. I praised her for her love of others. I explained to her the different ways her parents each advise handling the bully. Then, I assured her that we would support her in whichever way she wanted to face the bully, provided that she did not let the stress get to her.

I also reminded her that girl-A was going to be at the park with our homeschool group the next day, so she would have a chance to talk to her without the bully being around. That brightened Jersey #2's mood. She planned to talk to girl-A and get to the bottom of the friend status.

Jersey #2 wasted no time approaching girl-A at the park, and asking if she was still her friend. Girl-A explained that she wanted to be friends with Jersey #2....that she likes to be friends with everyone....but that she remained quiet when the bully said she wasn't to be friends with Jersey #2 because she did not want the bully to turn against her. Jersey #2 completely understood that reasoning. She was thrilled that girl-A was still her friend. She promised to not confront the bully about her friendship with girl-A, so that girl-A would not be at risk of being bullied. She was excited to share the news with me. Then, she ran off and played at the park for hours with her friend.

I was pleased that Jersey #2 was so happy to have peace about her friendship. I was speechless that she understood and accepted her friend's approach to the bully, but simply rufused to adopt that approach for herself.

Armed with the security of knowing that the bully's companion was still her friend, Jersey #2 was ready to take on the bully tonight.

Here we are at week 4, and Jersey #2 informs us that during AWANA this evening, she went up to the table where the bully and the 2 girls were sitting for craft time, and sat down with them. She complimented the bully's coloring, to which the bully said "Thank you." She then proceeded to strike up conversations with the kids at the table. One topic was the number of kids in their families. The bully could not resist sharing how many brothers and sisters she had, after learning she has more than Jersey #2. That level of competition did not phase Jersey #2 because she was SO pleased that she was enticing the bully to talk to her in a friendly way.

At the closing program that evening, Jersey #2 made a point to stand with the bully and her 2 companions and asked if they would all like to be her friend. The bully replied that she needed to think about it. The second companion, girl-B, said "yes" she would like to be Jersey #2's friend. Girl-B sealed the deal by walking a step behind the bully on the way back to the classroom, and reached out her hand to Jersey #2, to hold while they walked.

Jersey #2 won.

She did not follow the bully-advice of either of her parents. She chose her own path. She weakened the power of the bully by picking off the companions one-by-one and befriending them. As far as she is concerned, it is no longer an issue. She informed us tonight that the bully wanted to think about it, but the other girls are her friends. She confidently explained that the bully will be her friend by next week, because she really has no choice....

"She has to be my friend now, because everyone else in the class likes me and is my friend."

Just like that. Problem solved. In a manner that I never would have imagined...