Depression is one of those illnesses that are socially uncomfortable to discuss. It reminds me a lot of the reaction to grieving. Folks just don't know what to say, and usually are not very helpful with the odd comments they come up with. Much like grieving, I find the most comfort in folks who have walked in depression footsteps before. As the saying goes, "It takes one to know one."
Unfortunately, Depression has challenged our marriage many times over.
There are many classifications of Depression. It seems that the therapy world is working to identify even more classifications, in order to specialize treatment. Working with human beings and their combination of physical and behavioral details is rather difficult. That is one reason why Depression seems so tough to conquer. I do not have any expertise in Depression. I can only share from my experiences. This post is not medical advice, as I am not a health care provider.
I'm sure that most folks understand "the blues," having a down day, or feeling slightly melancholy. I handle such days by taking a day off or taking a break from my usually busy schedule. Those are the days when ordering pizza covers dinner. I skip chores, and spend more time participating in relaxing activities. Going to bed early helps restore my mood by the next morning.
Unfortunately, I have also experienced Depression that required medical treatment. Some things require more than a day off, or a longer night's sleep.
Post-partum Depression: just over a month after giving birth to our firstborn, I started showing signs and symptoms of Post-partum Depression. The boldest symptom I had was random, unprovoked crying outbursts. I would walk across the room and just start crying, for no reason at all. I also had trouble sleeping at night. My concerns were dismissed by friends and family, because I was also grieving. So, I was assured, that it was just part of grieving. Thankfully, our family doctor knew otherwise. He understood grieving. He said I had the classic symptoms of Post-partum Depression. Thankfully, it was quickly treated with a few months of taking an antidepressant, at night, that also had a sedative side-effect. Post-partum Depression is caused by those wild hormones, and improves when the body chemistry gets back into balance.
*The difference between the grieving symptoms and the Post-partum Depression symptoms was the "random" component to the crying. During grieving, I would cry when thinking about my daughter, my experience, and my heartache. With Post-partum Depression, my body was crying on its own, without sad thoughts provoking it.
Spiritual Depression: Unfortunately, Depression is often misunderstood in Christian circles. Some folks sincerely believe depression is a matter of a lack of Faith. Their advice is to pray, and spend more time with God. Christians are suppose to understand the amazing gift of salvation we have received, so we should only have joy everlasting, right?
Most forms of Depression are related to chemical imbalances in the body. It is not a matter of Faith. It is a matter of physical health. Of course, God can heal us from all such afflictions. But, we are also stewards of these bodies and need to take care of them.
That much being said, I have also experienced a Spiritual Depression. Medical interventions may help with certain symptoms, but do not fix the core of the problem. In my case, I dove into Depression when my second pregnancy ended in an early miscarriage. I was beyond sad. I was done with grieving. I quit. I spent more time with God at that point in my life than ever before. I was in constant prayer......begging God to take me out of this world. I did not want to be a Mother who had no living children. It was way too painful for me. I thought I had served my time grieving a stillborn daughter. I could not stand to endure the grief of losing my second child to miscarriage. I lived in a very dark place, deep within me. I stayed in bed most of the time. I finally called the doctor for help, with the gentle encouraging of The Referee.
My doctor understood my need to hold a living, breathing baby in my arms. He got me. He treated me with an antidepressant that was safe enough for pregnancy. He advised me to take the med, go through the motions of my life, and not worry a bit about the med when I get pregnant again. Throughout my entire pregnancy with Jersey #1, the doctor assured me that I would be just fine as soon as that baby was in my arms. The antidepressant helped me endure the details of my life, like going to work and shopping for groceries. It helped with some of my physical symptoms. It did not restore joy. I stopped taking the antidpressant the week Jersey #1 was due. It was not safe to take for breastfeeding, so I stopped it when that bottle ran out. I knew if I needed it after her birth, the doctor could prescribe something that was safe for breastfeeding.
God restored my joy. God answered my plees to be taken Home. He said NO. Not yet. I had a greater purpose, and I needed to trust Him. So, I grudgingly went through my life, expecting to be in chronic grief. I did not instantly recover when Jersey #1 was placed in my arms. I was in shock. I did not believe she was alive. I just knew that she would be taken from me at any moment. I took her home, and took care of her every need, and braced myself for the moment I would lose her too.
I still remember the exact day that I won that spiritual battle. Jersey #1 was 4 weeks old. The Referee was at work, and I was still home on maternity leave. I looked over at that precious baby girl, napping peacefully on the bed next to me. I was hit, like a ton of bricks, with the realization that Motherhood was a calling, a RESPONSIBILITY. Not only was I given this blessing, but I was expected to follow God's instructions to train her up in the way she should go....to teach her about God and his love for us. My life was instantly changed. My heart was instantly changed. My attitude was instantly improved.
In that instant, my heart was full. Full of love. Full of purpose. Full of joy.
Thankfully, I have not suffered with Depression since.
Unfortunately, I still suffer from Depression...
The Referee battles Depression. His symptoms seemed so very different from my experiences, that we missed it for years. Sadly, the last 3 years of our life together have been most awful. We could not figure out why none of the marriage resources we sought, were helping our relationship. The Referee was suffering with undiagnosed depression, and we just did not recognize it. A year ago, when I was certain that all hope was lost for our marriage, a friend gently asked if my husband had ever been evaluated for a "chemical imbalance." She gently commented that the symptoms of depression were different in men and women. She explained that a missionary who had visited our church that summer taught her the difference, when he shared about his own battle with depression. I made the suggestion to The Referee in passing, as I was taking the baby to change his diaper. Minutes later, The Referee told me that he took the suggestion and went online to research it more. He took a quiz about depression on one of the medical websites, and after 4 questions it flashed a screen saying he should seek medical attention immediately. Yikes.
That evening, we called our Pastor & his wife over to meet with us. They explained all they understood about depression, and more about the advice of the missionary who visited. They armed us with prayers, support, and resources. For the first time in many years, we actually felt a sense of relief about the strains in our marriage. We had turned over every stone between us, so it made sense that our problem was actually outside us. It is crazy how comforting that piece of information can be.
Unfortunately, The Referee's depression battle is H.U.G.E. Thankfully, he is determined to conquer it. He desires to be healthy, and to have a healthy family. So, he is doing all he can to win. He has an incredible support network on his side. Our family physician is managing the antidepressant medications. A Christian counselor/life coach is providing therapy, literature resources, and guidance. Our Pastor & his wife are practically holding our hands each step of the way. Friends, family, and our church family continue to offer prayers and support as well. The path is uphill, but it is certainly easier to hike in a group, than alone.
The Referee suffers with Double Depression. (I tease him that he is such an over-achiever that one type of depression is just not enough for him).
Dysthymia is chronic depression. The symptoms are less severe, but linger longer. Folks can usually function adequately, but they always seem unhappy. The counselor suggested that The Referee has probably been suffering with dysthymia since adolescence. It certainly explains a lot. Dysthymia is thought to be caused by chemical changes in the brain involving serotonin, a neurotransmitter that aids in coping with emotions. Antidepressant medication in the SSRI category (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor) have helped tremendously. The Referee shocked me one day, after taking the meds, when he announced that he didn't think he was actually a pessimist! That was life changing, for sure.
Major Depression (Clinical Depression): The Dysthymia was identified after The Referee sought treatment for his Major Depression. Unfortunately, Dysthymia complicates Clinical Depression, because when life resumes to "normal," that "normal" is still low. Men express depression differently than women. Some of the Depression symptoms that The Referee has expressed are fatigue, low mood state, grumpy/unhappy, withdrawal and isolation, angry outbursts, and insomnia. I now see clearly that when he starts to have insomnia....staying up all night, or gets very little sleep for multiple nights in a row, he is on a downhill turn in his depression. The withdrawal and angry outbursts have been most damaging to our marriage. The behavior itself is bad enough, but the fact that it is so random, irrational, and out-of-character, has been most damaging. Being married to a man who appears randomly angry and periodically acts like he doesn't really care, is quite tough on a sensitive gal like me. I started to question which of his changing views about me were actually the truth. Now that my eyes are open to his Depression illness, I am able to see that things really aren't has personal as they once appeared. Now that The Referee realizes that those symptoms are related to his Depression, he is much more careful to turn to Depression help, instead of taking his emotions out on me.
We have noticed that The Referee appears to have episodes of Major Depression due to job stress. Job lay-offs, and the instability of some of the funding of his jobs has been a major source of stress for him for years. Some situations cannot be prevented. But, now that we realize how important it is for him to identify himself with his career, The Referee is being much wiser in his career path and employer selections. I am pleased to report that it looks like he chose a good company recently, resulting in his work situation starting to stabilize. I predict that as he settles into a stable job, his stress will begin to decrease, hopefully helping his depression become more manageable.
Managing Double Depression requires a lifestyle change. The Referee has to set strict boundaries for himself for a sleep routine, and making sure he is eating regularly. Daily exercise is very helpful. He makes himself go through the motions of things he knows is important in his life, even if he doesn't feel like it. He gets up and showers, goes to work, goes to church, teaches Tae Kwon Do class, and participates in family activities, whether he wants to or not. Emotions can be deceiving. So, he is learning that moving forward through the tasks that are previously deemed important, helps him stay afloat. He is also learning to give himself regular breaks to withdrawal. Right now, he gets an evening off, when I take the kids to AWANA, where he has no responsibilities for a few hours.
Finding the right balance of medications and therapy is a great challenge when battling depression. There are many classes of meds. There are many types of therapy. There are tons of books and websites filled with information. It can be overwhelming. But, finding something to help with the battle is SO much better than doing nothing at all. In addition to finding a medical provider and counselor you trust, finding a friend who has walked through the valley of depression can make a world of difference in the support you need to win the battle.
For the sake of yourself and your loved ones, I beg you to seek help if you suffer with Depression. Ignore the comments from people who know nothing about the illness. Find support from folks who do know. There is hope. Life really is better outside of the pit of despair.
Unfortunately, Depression has challenged our marriage many times over.
There are many classifications of Depression. It seems that the therapy world is working to identify even more classifications, in order to specialize treatment. Working with human beings and their combination of physical and behavioral details is rather difficult. That is one reason why Depression seems so tough to conquer. I do not have any expertise in Depression. I can only share from my experiences. This post is not medical advice, as I am not a health care provider.
I'm sure that most folks understand "the blues," having a down day, or feeling slightly melancholy. I handle such days by taking a day off or taking a break from my usually busy schedule. Those are the days when ordering pizza covers dinner. I skip chores, and spend more time participating in relaxing activities. Going to bed early helps restore my mood by the next morning.
Unfortunately, I have also experienced Depression that required medical treatment. Some things require more than a day off, or a longer night's sleep.
Post-partum Depression: just over a month after giving birth to our firstborn, I started showing signs and symptoms of Post-partum Depression. The boldest symptom I had was random, unprovoked crying outbursts. I would walk across the room and just start crying, for no reason at all. I also had trouble sleeping at night. My concerns were dismissed by friends and family, because I was also grieving. So, I was assured, that it was just part of grieving. Thankfully, our family doctor knew otherwise. He understood grieving. He said I had the classic symptoms of Post-partum Depression. Thankfully, it was quickly treated with a few months of taking an antidepressant, at night, that also had a sedative side-effect. Post-partum Depression is caused by those wild hormones, and improves when the body chemistry gets back into balance.
*The difference between the grieving symptoms and the Post-partum Depression symptoms was the "random" component to the crying. During grieving, I would cry when thinking about my daughter, my experience, and my heartache. With Post-partum Depression, my body was crying on its own, without sad thoughts provoking it.
Spiritual Depression: Unfortunately, Depression is often misunderstood in Christian circles. Some folks sincerely believe depression is a matter of a lack of Faith. Their advice is to pray, and spend more time with God. Christians are suppose to understand the amazing gift of salvation we have received, so we should only have joy everlasting, right?
Most forms of Depression are related to chemical imbalances in the body. It is not a matter of Faith. It is a matter of physical health. Of course, God can heal us from all such afflictions. But, we are also stewards of these bodies and need to take care of them.
That much being said, I have also experienced a Spiritual Depression. Medical interventions may help with certain symptoms, but do not fix the core of the problem. In my case, I dove into Depression when my second pregnancy ended in an early miscarriage. I was beyond sad. I was done with grieving. I quit. I spent more time with God at that point in my life than ever before. I was in constant prayer......begging God to take me out of this world. I did not want to be a Mother who had no living children. It was way too painful for me. I thought I had served my time grieving a stillborn daughter. I could not stand to endure the grief of losing my second child to miscarriage. I lived in a very dark place, deep within me. I stayed in bed most of the time. I finally called the doctor for help, with the gentle encouraging of The Referee.
My doctor understood my need to hold a living, breathing baby in my arms. He got me. He treated me with an antidepressant that was safe enough for pregnancy. He advised me to take the med, go through the motions of my life, and not worry a bit about the med when I get pregnant again. Throughout my entire pregnancy with Jersey #1, the doctor assured me that I would be just fine as soon as that baby was in my arms. The antidepressant helped me endure the details of my life, like going to work and shopping for groceries. It helped with some of my physical symptoms. It did not restore joy. I stopped taking the antidpressant the week Jersey #1 was due. It was not safe to take for breastfeeding, so I stopped it when that bottle ran out. I knew if I needed it after her birth, the doctor could prescribe something that was safe for breastfeeding.
God restored my joy. God answered my plees to be taken Home. He said NO. Not yet. I had a greater purpose, and I needed to trust Him. So, I grudgingly went through my life, expecting to be in chronic grief. I did not instantly recover when Jersey #1 was placed in my arms. I was in shock. I did not believe she was alive. I just knew that she would be taken from me at any moment. I took her home, and took care of her every need, and braced myself for the moment I would lose her too.
I still remember the exact day that I won that spiritual battle. Jersey #1 was 4 weeks old. The Referee was at work, and I was still home on maternity leave. I looked over at that precious baby girl, napping peacefully on the bed next to me. I was hit, like a ton of bricks, with the realization that Motherhood was a calling, a RESPONSIBILITY. Not only was I given this blessing, but I was expected to follow God's instructions to train her up in the way she should go....to teach her about God and his love for us. My life was instantly changed. My heart was instantly changed. My attitude was instantly improved.
In that instant, my heart was full. Full of love. Full of purpose. Full of joy.
Thankfully, I have not suffered with Depression since.
Unfortunately, I still suffer from Depression...
The Referee battles Depression. His symptoms seemed so very different from my experiences, that we missed it for years. Sadly, the last 3 years of our life together have been most awful. We could not figure out why none of the marriage resources we sought, were helping our relationship. The Referee was suffering with undiagnosed depression, and we just did not recognize it. A year ago, when I was certain that all hope was lost for our marriage, a friend gently asked if my husband had ever been evaluated for a "chemical imbalance." She gently commented that the symptoms of depression were different in men and women. She explained that a missionary who had visited our church that summer taught her the difference, when he shared about his own battle with depression. I made the suggestion to The Referee in passing, as I was taking the baby to change his diaper. Minutes later, The Referee told me that he took the suggestion and went online to research it more. He took a quiz about depression on one of the medical websites, and after 4 questions it flashed a screen saying he should seek medical attention immediately. Yikes.
That evening, we called our Pastor & his wife over to meet with us. They explained all they understood about depression, and more about the advice of the missionary who visited. They armed us with prayers, support, and resources. For the first time in many years, we actually felt a sense of relief about the strains in our marriage. We had turned over every stone between us, so it made sense that our problem was actually outside us. It is crazy how comforting that piece of information can be.
Unfortunately, The Referee's depression battle is H.U.G.E. Thankfully, he is determined to conquer it. He desires to be healthy, and to have a healthy family. So, he is doing all he can to win. He has an incredible support network on his side. Our family physician is managing the antidepressant medications. A Christian counselor/life coach is providing therapy, literature resources, and guidance. Our Pastor & his wife are practically holding our hands each step of the way. Friends, family, and our church family continue to offer prayers and support as well. The path is uphill, but it is certainly easier to hike in a group, than alone.
The Referee suffers with Double Depression. (I tease him that he is such an over-achiever that one type of depression is just not enough for him).
Dysthymia is chronic depression. The symptoms are less severe, but linger longer. Folks can usually function adequately, but they always seem unhappy. The counselor suggested that The Referee has probably been suffering with dysthymia since adolescence. It certainly explains a lot. Dysthymia is thought to be caused by chemical changes in the brain involving serotonin, a neurotransmitter that aids in coping with emotions. Antidepressant medication in the SSRI category (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor) have helped tremendously. The Referee shocked me one day, after taking the meds, when he announced that he didn't think he was actually a pessimist! That was life changing, for sure.
Major Depression (Clinical Depression): The Dysthymia was identified after The Referee sought treatment for his Major Depression. Unfortunately, Dysthymia complicates Clinical Depression, because when life resumes to "normal," that "normal" is still low. Men express depression differently than women. Some of the Depression symptoms that The Referee has expressed are fatigue, low mood state, grumpy/unhappy, withdrawal and isolation, angry outbursts, and insomnia. I now see clearly that when he starts to have insomnia....staying up all night, or gets very little sleep for multiple nights in a row, he is on a downhill turn in his depression. The withdrawal and angry outbursts have been most damaging to our marriage. The behavior itself is bad enough, but the fact that it is so random, irrational, and out-of-character, has been most damaging. Being married to a man who appears randomly angry and periodically acts like he doesn't really care, is quite tough on a sensitive gal like me. I started to question which of his changing views about me were actually the truth. Now that my eyes are open to his Depression illness, I am able to see that things really aren't has personal as they once appeared. Now that The Referee realizes that those symptoms are related to his Depression, he is much more careful to turn to Depression help, instead of taking his emotions out on me.
We have noticed that The Referee appears to have episodes of Major Depression due to job stress. Job lay-offs, and the instability of some of the funding of his jobs has been a major source of stress for him for years. Some situations cannot be prevented. But, now that we realize how important it is for him to identify himself with his career, The Referee is being much wiser in his career path and employer selections. I am pleased to report that it looks like he chose a good company recently, resulting in his work situation starting to stabilize. I predict that as he settles into a stable job, his stress will begin to decrease, hopefully helping his depression become more manageable.
Managing Double Depression requires a lifestyle change. The Referee has to set strict boundaries for himself for a sleep routine, and making sure he is eating regularly. Daily exercise is very helpful. He makes himself go through the motions of things he knows is important in his life, even if he doesn't feel like it. He gets up and showers, goes to work, goes to church, teaches Tae Kwon Do class, and participates in family activities, whether he wants to or not. Emotions can be deceiving. So, he is learning that moving forward through the tasks that are previously deemed important, helps him stay afloat. He is also learning to give himself regular breaks to withdrawal. Right now, he gets an evening off, when I take the kids to AWANA, where he has no responsibilities for a few hours.
Finding the right balance of medications and therapy is a great challenge when battling depression. There are many classes of meds. There are many types of therapy. There are tons of books and websites filled with information. It can be overwhelming. But, finding something to help with the battle is SO much better than doing nothing at all. In addition to finding a medical provider and counselor you trust, finding a friend who has walked through the valley of depression can make a world of difference in the support you need to win the battle.
For the sake of yourself and your loved ones, I beg you to seek help if you suffer with Depression. Ignore the comments from people who know nothing about the illness. Find support from folks who do know. There is hope. Life really is better outside of the pit of despair.
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