Raising boys is so very different than raising girls. I did not start out attempting to raise my children to be gender-neutral. I took no issue with pink, purple, blue, or brown. I like baby dolls and I like soccer balls. Thinking that I already understood that boys and girls were different, I was quite surprised to learn just how BIG that difference is.
The plus side to my gender education yielded a better understanding of my husband. Before having a son, I was certain that my husband had to be from an alien race, as his ways were SO different than mine. (Of course, I saw myself as normal, and he was abnormal in all instances).
The plus side to my gender education yielded a better understanding of my husband. Before having a son, I was certain that my husband had to be from an alien race, as his ways were SO different than mine. (Of course, I saw myself as normal, and he was abnormal in all instances).
The sad part of my gender education was that I was convinced that there had to be something wrong with my son. When I took him to see the pediatrician for his well-child check-up at 2 months old, I said, "He is broken. You need to fix him." He was so different than his sisters. There have been many times that I have asked, "What is wrong with him?" My husband always answers, "He is a boy."
I understand girls. My husband understands boys. It is a good thing we are parenting together.
I understand girls. My husband understands boys. It is a good thing we are parenting together.
Since I thought I truly appreciated the differences in girls and boys, I was rather offended the first time I heard the saying, "Moms raise boys. Dads raise men." I have a lot to learn.
One of the biggest differences in boys is the level of their physical strength. It is important for Fathers to help their sons learn the limits of their strength, and how to control it. I did not realize that these lessons begin with toddlers. When our sons, as toddlers, would make their way through the house, they were accustomed to pushing everything out of their way. Furniture, pets, and even siblings moved aside as they barrel past. When they try to push past my legs, I tend to step back, give them more space, and see what they need. My husband does not budge when a child pushes against him. It is not his nature to step back to see what they need. It is his nature to look down and ask what are they doing? They push harder and scream. In the past, I would ask why my husband didn't just move out of the way, and avoid the ruckus.
He had an answer. Boys need to learn that there is a limit to their strength. It is the job of men to display that limit. Otherwise, they learn to bully their way through life, until someone stops them. It is better for Dad to stop them, than for the police, or a bigger bully to stop them. It is best for them to learn when to stop themselves. Boys need to learn when it is appropriate to exude their strength, and when it is appropriate to control it to the level of gentleness.
In our home, it is Ok to wrestle with Dad. It is not Ok to tackle your unsuspecting little sister.
The way to grow a boy into a man is to provide balance. A boy needs an outlet for his physical energy. He needs to show how strong he is. He likes to challenge his strength. He likes to push himself to the limit and beyond. It is also crucial that he learn to control himself. He needs to live within the rules of society. He needs to learn to treat others with respect. He needs to learn to treat weaker beings with tenderness. In essence, he needs to learn when to be a MAN, and when to be a husband, a father, and a friend.
A young boy who is not shown his physical limits, quickly turns into a wild child. He runs rampant through the parks and play areas, hurting other children in his wake. He doesn't mean to hurt, but he has no sense of control of his strength. As a result, other children run from him, leaving him lonely.
It is my natural tendency to focus on teaching gentleness and to restrain the physical energy. I want him to behave and be safe. The problem with my method is that it does not provide an outlet for that natural physical ability. Frustration builds, and eventually explodes. Worse yet, a once strong boy can become quite whiny and weak, learning helplessness.
I am impressed that my husband already knew all this, and naturally provides a balance for our boys. He lets them take risks. He praises them when they challenge their physical abilities. He gives them time and space to be physical. He also stands firm, without moving out of their way. He reminds them that he is the strongest male in our home, and he is in charge. He demonstrates and enforces the rules about how to interact with Mom and sisters. He enforces respect for others, for property, and for animals. He is teaching them to stay strong, but control their strength.
After finally coming to grips with this gender difference, in terms of the needs of boys and also our different parenting styles, I started observing interactions in public. I was highly amused at church recently, when Jersey #5 ran through the room in pursuit of a ball. Service was over and folks were mingling. As our son toddled along, women stepped to the side out of his way, and even moved chairs out of his way so he could continue straight through. (This seems normal to me). But, Jersey #5 was quickly halted in his tracks when he ran right into our Pastor's leg. Pastor was standing there talking, and did not budge from the impact. Jersey #5 put up his hands and started pushing against Pastor's leg, trying to force him out of the way. In a large room, with plenty of space around, the child actually insists on walking through the exact space occupied by one man's leg. Pastor stood firm and simply looked down, quite amused by the gall of such a youngster. (This seemed normal to my husband). In the end, the toddler yelled and pushed, and met his limit. His head was rubbed, he was acknowledged, but he was not in charge. He eventually gave up and went around the obstacle to get the soccer ball.
Our boys are learning to value their strength at the same time they are learning a sense of control. I am hoping that these lessons learned while they are young will serve them well in adolescence when their true strength emerges.
One of the biggest differences in boys is the level of their physical strength. It is important for Fathers to help their sons learn the limits of their strength, and how to control it. I did not realize that these lessons begin with toddlers. When our sons, as toddlers, would make their way through the house, they were accustomed to pushing everything out of their way. Furniture, pets, and even siblings moved aside as they barrel past. When they try to push past my legs, I tend to step back, give them more space, and see what they need. My husband does not budge when a child pushes against him. It is not his nature to step back to see what they need. It is his nature to look down and ask what are they doing? They push harder and scream. In the past, I would ask why my husband didn't just move out of the way, and avoid the ruckus.
He had an answer. Boys need to learn that there is a limit to their strength. It is the job of men to display that limit. Otherwise, they learn to bully their way through life, until someone stops them. It is better for Dad to stop them, than for the police, or a bigger bully to stop them. It is best for them to learn when to stop themselves. Boys need to learn when it is appropriate to exude their strength, and when it is appropriate to control it to the level of gentleness.
In our home, it is Ok to wrestle with Dad. It is not Ok to tackle your unsuspecting little sister.
The way to grow a boy into a man is to provide balance. A boy needs an outlet for his physical energy. He needs to show how strong he is. He likes to challenge his strength. He likes to push himself to the limit and beyond. It is also crucial that he learn to control himself. He needs to live within the rules of society. He needs to learn to treat others with respect. He needs to learn to treat weaker beings with tenderness. In essence, he needs to learn when to be a MAN, and when to be a husband, a father, and a friend.
A young boy who is not shown his physical limits, quickly turns into a wild child. He runs rampant through the parks and play areas, hurting other children in his wake. He doesn't mean to hurt, but he has no sense of control of his strength. As a result, other children run from him, leaving him lonely.
It is my natural tendency to focus on teaching gentleness and to restrain the physical energy. I want him to behave and be safe. The problem with my method is that it does not provide an outlet for that natural physical ability. Frustration builds, and eventually explodes. Worse yet, a once strong boy can become quite whiny and weak, learning helplessness.
I am impressed that my husband already knew all this, and naturally provides a balance for our boys. He lets them take risks. He praises them when they challenge their physical abilities. He gives them time and space to be physical. He also stands firm, without moving out of their way. He reminds them that he is the strongest male in our home, and he is in charge. He demonstrates and enforces the rules about how to interact with Mom and sisters. He enforces respect for others, for property, and for animals. He is teaching them to stay strong, but control their strength.
After finally coming to grips with this gender difference, in terms of the needs of boys and also our different parenting styles, I started observing interactions in public. I was highly amused at church recently, when Jersey #5 ran through the room in pursuit of a ball. Service was over and folks were mingling. As our son toddled along, women stepped to the side out of his way, and even moved chairs out of his way so he could continue straight through. (This seems normal to me). But, Jersey #5 was quickly halted in his tracks when he ran right into our Pastor's leg. Pastor was standing there talking, and did not budge from the impact. Jersey #5 put up his hands and started pushing against Pastor's leg, trying to force him out of the way. In a large room, with plenty of space around, the child actually insists on walking through the exact space occupied by one man's leg. Pastor stood firm and simply looked down, quite amused by the gall of such a youngster. (This seemed normal to my husband). In the end, the toddler yelled and pushed, and met his limit. His head was rubbed, he was acknowledged, but he was not in charge. He eventually gave up and went around the obstacle to get the soccer ball.
Our boys are learning to value their strength at the same time they are learning a sense of control. I am hoping that these lessons learned while they are young will serve them well in adolescence when their true strength emerges.
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