Children are such precious little angels when they are asleep. When I was pregnant with my first child, my Mom advised me to be sure to peek in on my kids every night, after they are asleep, in order to be renewed with joy from just how wonderful they were. She said that the stress of the most trying day of motherhood could be melted away by the angelic face of a sleeping child.
Sleeping babies have nearly become an obsession in the mommy-world. I'm pretty sure the question, "Is your baby sleeping through the night, yet?" is one of the most frequent questions a new Mom receives. Parenting books seem to be categorized by their method and location recommended for getting a baby to sleep. When Jersey #1 was a newborn, I made the mistake of reading 2 different parenting books that had exact opposite styles. At the time, I had no idea that there were so many "expert" classifications for raising kids. Instead of realizing they were different styles, I became a wreck trying figure out which was the best. I wanted to do everything perfectly, which is why I was studying such things in the first place.
One method had me panicking because Jersey #1 was not falling asleep on her own, in her crib when she was sleepy, but still awake. The book claimed I would ruin her sleep habits for life if I did not train her how to soothe herself to sleep right from the start. The other book criticized the use of a crib in the first place, or even the thought of putting the baby down at all. I tried to make sense of the opposing advice. I tried putting her down in her crib to fall asleep. She disliked the idea greatly. I refused to let her lay there and cry, as THAT concept was completely unnatural to me. I figured I would rather fail as a mother, and ruin her sleep habits for life, than to leave my newborn baby screaming alone in a crib, when it is my nature as a mother to bring comfort to my child.
I was not set on the family bed as our standard, either. Something was not settled for me with the co-sleeping concept.....are we talking temporary or permanent? It seemed to me that there would have to be a point when the child would leave the family bed. Surely, parents are not living in the dorms in order to co-sleep with their kids. College sounds like an extreme example, for sure, but my question was just when exactly does co-sleeping end? It seemed to me that at some point it would need to end, and the child would need to learn to sleep on their own. Since I wanted to do everything perfectly, I wanted to know when was the perfect time for a child to learn to sleep in their own bed, on their own.
I was a mess because my natural response ran contrary to the advice in both parenting books. I was essentially failing at two of the most popular parenting methods! My natural response was to hold my newborn in my arms, both night and day, and respond to all of her needs and wants. But, I also wanted her to develop healthy sleep habits, and eventually sleep in her own bed. One method explained that I would ruin her for life if I didn't sleep train her by 8 weeks old. The other method explained that I was heartless for wanting to "cage" her up alone in a crib at all. I was a double failure as a mother!
My husband shrugged off all of the parenting advice in any of the books, and said, "We do what works for us." I wish I would have had his response from the start. I certainly have it now.
Jersey #2 was a completely opposite baby than her sister. I decided that I would have felt much better about my parenting choices if I had been lucky enough to read the corresponding book for each child. Jersey #1 fit one method really well, Jersey #2 fit the other. I decided that those authors must have only dealt with kids that fit their style, or maybe they only had 1 kid, so they thought there was only 1 style. Jersey #1 enjoyed being strapped on to my body, and co-sleeping. Jersey #2 slept on her back, on her own, in her bassinet from the beginning. She was uncomfortable in bed with us....she wanted her space! My husband joked that I should write a parenting book, since I realize that not all children are the same!
Five kids later, and I still don't fit any of the popular parenting methods. I've learned to accept the "We do what works for us" approach instead. Since I am a scientist by nature, and not a parenting expert, I began to hypothesize and collect data about sleep habits. Then it hit me--Nature vs Nurture! Of course! It is the age-old debate. Do our habits come from genetics or from our environment? Well, the parenting methods I was reading were focusing on Nurture....how parents can create the environment that will help babies sleep. But, one of the things that I love about medicine/human biology is that both genetics and environmental influences play a part. The combination of influences creates so much variety in our lives. Even though our 5 children come from the same 2 parents, they have many differences in looks, personalities, and behaviors. So why would I ever believe that the same parenting method was going to work equally well with each of them?
I laugh at myself now, for even trying to find the perfect method for helping my babies develop healthy sleep habits. Considering how different my husband & I are with our own sleep habits, which one would I say was perfect? As a baby, I loved to sleep. My Mom has documented in my baby book that I slept 12 hours a night, and napped 4 hours during the day, napping until kindergarten! My husband, on the other hand, requires very little sleep, and has a hard time getting his mind to shut down long enough to get some rest. He likes to fall asleep with the television on, as background noise to take his mind off the thoughts in his head. His Mom recalls that he was the last to bed, and the first awake, and he gave up his nap way too soon!
It is no surprise that our children are a mixed combination of the two of us. Their sleep preferences are a mix as well. Jersey #1 takes after me the most. She likes her sleep. She also napped until she was 4 years old....and will still take a nap on random occasions. Jersey #2 is just like her Daddy. She is last to bed and the first awake. She gave up her nap before she was 2 years old. Jersey #3 required more assistance getting to sleep than his siblings. He lacked self-soothing skills from birth. We chose to teach him to take a pacifier, and to rock to sleep. He likes to have his head rubbed....he will put his head in my lap and lay across the pew at church, and falls asleep when I rub his head. When Jersey #3 was 2-3yrs old, he was a dedicated napper. He took a nap everyday after lunch, without fail. He would take himself to his bed and fall asleep. One day we had friends over to play, and he promptly left the group at nap time and put himself to bed...even though kids were there playing in his bedroom! (One of the Moms asked me HOW did I train him to do THAT...but the truth is that I didn't, it was just his style). Jersey #4 is a night owl. She likes to stay up late and sleep in late. She gave up the pacifier at 9 months old, and gave up her daily nap before she was 2. She currently naps 1 out of every 3 days. Jersey #5 loves to be rocked to sleep by his Daddy specifically. They have a routine of sitting in the recliner, watching a movie, and rocking to sleep. The Referee is often the first one to sleep! Jersey #5 has been so easy-going and naps daily regardless of location (even if it means falling asleep in a shopping cart). He will nap in the car, in the stroller, in my arms, in his bed, on the couch...motion gets the best of him...when he gets tired, he sleeps.
What works for us is to set the goal that each of the kids gets enough sleep to meet their physical need. We want them to be comfortable and relaxed in their own beds. We want them to learn to fall asleep on their own, and to return to sleep if they wake in the night. We want them to develop healthy sleep habits. Plus, I want to get some sleep too! Instead of following one of the popular parenting methods, I simply keep our sleep goals in mind for our kids, and then guide each of them towards those goals at their own pace....accepting that each child is different.
We have better results with rocking our babies to sleep, and training our toddlers to fall asleep on their own. When the kids stop enjoying rocking to sleep....when they start to wiggle and try to get down out of our laps....we know it is time to try a different bedtime routine. Jersey #1 used to enjoy watching Elmo on TV when she was a young toddler. We could dress her in her PJs and let her sit on the couch and watch an Elmo episode, and she would be fast asleep before it was over. We would carry her to her bed, and she would sleep 12 hours. Watching TV keeps Jersey #2 awake. She will stay up until the program is over. So, that method did not work for her. When Jersey #2 was a toddler, we started training the girls to fall asleep in their own beds at night. They shared a room. We started reading bedtime stories and letting them rest in bed and read. Reading books in bed is one of my favorite bedtime routines. The entire household is peaceful when the kids are in their own beds reading books until they fall asleep. The Referee still enjoys falling asleep while watching TV. So, when I am sick or needing some rest, he will let the kids watch a movie with him in the living room until they fall asleep, while I go to bed. Jersey #2 will watch the movie until she is tired, and then will join me in my bed, or go to her own bed to sleep.
Our family is also known for playing musical beds. We start out the night with everyone in their own beds.....and then we do whatever it takes to get sleep! We will sleep in the recliner to help elevate a congested child. We will turn the living room into an infirmary to watch the kids with fevers and vomiting. Our bed turns into a family bed when there are bad dreams, bedwetters who have soiled their own sheets (but they must put on a pull-up before sleeping in our bed), or any need for extra warmth or comfort. (Jersey #2 likes to sleep against my lower back when she is cold and having trouble maintaining her body heat).
Since we have siblings sharing bedrooms, we also make accomodations when one of the kids falls asleep before the others. There have been nights that we let Jersey #3 & Jersey #4 fall asleep on the couch, because their baby brother is already asleep in their bedroom. We carry them to their beds after they are asleep. When the children are going to bed at the same time, we leave the light on until they are asleep, or ask for it to be turned off.
What I really like about our "we do what works for us" method of sleep training our kids, is that it is so peaceful & relaxed, and everyone gets sleep. Healthy sleep habits should start with peaceful sleep. There is no crying. There are no trantrums. There are no punishments. There are full bellies (after a bedtime snack), comfort items (pacifiers, sippy cups, plush blankets), relaxing entertainment (rocking, movies, Leapsters, and reading books), companions (siblings sharing bedrooms eliminate the I'm-scared-to-be-alone struggle), and the comfort of knowing that Mom & Dad are always available when they need us.
Thankfully, I now have the experience to know that babies do not have to learn to fall asleep on their own by 3 months old. Co-sleeping makes breastfeeding a newborn much easier! A crib is not a cage. Placing my baby in a crib is a great way to keep them safe (especially when older siblings and pets are around). A baby swing and a recliner are great investments for times when baby is congested and needs to be elevated to breathe (breathing is a requirement of peaceful sleep). If I start the habit of rocking my baby to sleep, I will NOT be rocking them to sleep forever. Screaming is not a requirement for learning self-soothing or for learning healthy sleep habits. Some children (Jersey #2) do not sleep for a 12 hours stretch at any point in their life....10 hours at night is Ok too. Some children (Jersey #1) can sleep through a natural disaster without waking, but other children (Jersey #3) require a fan or other white noise to keep from waking too easily. Some children (Jersey #5) can sleep anywhere...including sitting in a shopping cart....but other children (Jersey #4) prefer to sleep at home.
I love sleep. I want it to be a positive thing for my children too.
Sleeping babies have nearly become an obsession in the mommy-world. I'm pretty sure the question, "Is your baby sleeping through the night, yet?" is one of the most frequent questions a new Mom receives. Parenting books seem to be categorized by their method and location recommended for getting a baby to sleep. When Jersey #1 was a newborn, I made the mistake of reading 2 different parenting books that had exact opposite styles. At the time, I had no idea that there were so many "expert" classifications for raising kids. Instead of realizing they were different styles, I became a wreck trying figure out which was the best. I wanted to do everything perfectly, which is why I was studying such things in the first place.
One method had me panicking because Jersey #1 was not falling asleep on her own, in her crib when she was sleepy, but still awake. The book claimed I would ruin her sleep habits for life if I did not train her how to soothe herself to sleep right from the start. The other book criticized the use of a crib in the first place, or even the thought of putting the baby down at all. I tried to make sense of the opposing advice. I tried putting her down in her crib to fall asleep. She disliked the idea greatly. I refused to let her lay there and cry, as THAT concept was completely unnatural to me. I figured I would rather fail as a mother, and ruin her sleep habits for life, than to leave my newborn baby screaming alone in a crib, when it is my nature as a mother to bring comfort to my child.
I was not set on the family bed as our standard, either. Something was not settled for me with the co-sleeping concept.....are we talking temporary or permanent? It seemed to me that there would have to be a point when the child would leave the family bed. Surely, parents are not living in the dorms in order to co-sleep with their kids. College sounds like an extreme example, for sure, but my question was just when exactly does co-sleeping end? It seemed to me that at some point it would need to end, and the child would need to learn to sleep on their own. Since I wanted to do everything perfectly, I wanted to know when was the perfect time for a child to learn to sleep in their own bed, on their own.
I was a mess because my natural response ran contrary to the advice in both parenting books. I was essentially failing at two of the most popular parenting methods! My natural response was to hold my newborn in my arms, both night and day, and respond to all of her needs and wants. But, I also wanted her to develop healthy sleep habits, and eventually sleep in her own bed. One method explained that I would ruin her for life if I didn't sleep train her by 8 weeks old. The other method explained that I was heartless for wanting to "cage" her up alone in a crib at all. I was a double failure as a mother!
My husband shrugged off all of the parenting advice in any of the books, and said, "We do what works for us." I wish I would have had his response from the start. I certainly have it now.
Jersey #2 was a completely opposite baby than her sister. I decided that I would have felt much better about my parenting choices if I had been lucky enough to read the corresponding book for each child. Jersey #1 fit one method really well, Jersey #2 fit the other. I decided that those authors must have only dealt with kids that fit their style, or maybe they only had 1 kid, so they thought there was only 1 style. Jersey #1 enjoyed being strapped on to my body, and co-sleeping. Jersey #2 slept on her back, on her own, in her bassinet from the beginning. She was uncomfortable in bed with us....she wanted her space! My husband joked that I should write a parenting book, since I realize that not all children are the same!
Five kids later, and I still don't fit any of the popular parenting methods. I've learned to accept the "We do what works for us" approach instead. Since I am a scientist by nature, and not a parenting expert, I began to hypothesize and collect data about sleep habits. Then it hit me--Nature vs Nurture! Of course! It is the age-old debate. Do our habits come from genetics or from our environment? Well, the parenting methods I was reading were focusing on Nurture....how parents can create the environment that will help babies sleep. But, one of the things that I love about medicine/human biology is that both genetics and environmental influences play a part. The combination of influences creates so much variety in our lives. Even though our 5 children come from the same 2 parents, they have many differences in looks, personalities, and behaviors. So why would I ever believe that the same parenting method was going to work equally well with each of them?
I laugh at myself now, for even trying to find the perfect method for helping my babies develop healthy sleep habits. Considering how different my husband & I are with our own sleep habits, which one would I say was perfect? As a baby, I loved to sleep. My Mom has documented in my baby book that I slept 12 hours a night, and napped 4 hours during the day, napping until kindergarten! My husband, on the other hand, requires very little sleep, and has a hard time getting his mind to shut down long enough to get some rest. He likes to fall asleep with the television on, as background noise to take his mind off the thoughts in his head. His Mom recalls that he was the last to bed, and the first awake, and he gave up his nap way too soon!
It is no surprise that our children are a mixed combination of the two of us. Their sleep preferences are a mix as well. Jersey #1 takes after me the most. She likes her sleep. She also napped until she was 4 years old....and will still take a nap on random occasions. Jersey #2 is just like her Daddy. She is last to bed and the first awake. She gave up her nap before she was 2 years old. Jersey #3 required more assistance getting to sleep than his siblings. He lacked self-soothing skills from birth. We chose to teach him to take a pacifier, and to rock to sleep. He likes to have his head rubbed....he will put his head in my lap and lay across the pew at church, and falls asleep when I rub his head. When Jersey #3 was 2-3yrs old, he was a dedicated napper. He took a nap everyday after lunch, without fail. He would take himself to his bed and fall asleep. One day we had friends over to play, and he promptly left the group at nap time and put himself to bed...even though kids were there playing in his bedroom! (One of the Moms asked me HOW did I train him to do THAT...but the truth is that I didn't, it was just his style). Jersey #4 is a night owl. She likes to stay up late and sleep in late. She gave up the pacifier at 9 months old, and gave up her daily nap before she was 2. She currently naps 1 out of every 3 days. Jersey #5 loves to be rocked to sleep by his Daddy specifically. They have a routine of sitting in the recliner, watching a movie, and rocking to sleep. The Referee is often the first one to sleep! Jersey #5 has been so easy-going and naps daily regardless of location (even if it means falling asleep in a shopping cart). He will nap in the car, in the stroller, in my arms, in his bed, on the couch...motion gets the best of him...when he gets tired, he sleeps.
What works for us is to set the goal that each of the kids gets enough sleep to meet their physical need. We want them to be comfortable and relaxed in their own beds. We want them to learn to fall asleep on their own, and to return to sleep if they wake in the night. We want them to develop healthy sleep habits. Plus, I want to get some sleep too! Instead of following one of the popular parenting methods, I simply keep our sleep goals in mind for our kids, and then guide each of them towards those goals at their own pace....accepting that each child is different.
We have better results with rocking our babies to sleep, and training our toddlers to fall asleep on their own. When the kids stop enjoying rocking to sleep....when they start to wiggle and try to get down out of our laps....we know it is time to try a different bedtime routine. Jersey #1 used to enjoy watching Elmo on TV when she was a young toddler. We could dress her in her PJs and let her sit on the couch and watch an Elmo episode, and she would be fast asleep before it was over. We would carry her to her bed, and she would sleep 12 hours. Watching TV keeps Jersey #2 awake. She will stay up until the program is over. So, that method did not work for her. When Jersey #2 was a toddler, we started training the girls to fall asleep in their own beds at night. They shared a room. We started reading bedtime stories and letting them rest in bed and read. Reading books in bed is one of my favorite bedtime routines. The entire household is peaceful when the kids are in their own beds reading books until they fall asleep. The Referee still enjoys falling asleep while watching TV. So, when I am sick or needing some rest, he will let the kids watch a movie with him in the living room until they fall asleep, while I go to bed. Jersey #2 will watch the movie until she is tired, and then will join me in my bed, or go to her own bed to sleep.
Our family is also known for playing musical beds. We start out the night with everyone in their own beds.....and then we do whatever it takes to get sleep! We will sleep in the recliner to help elevate a congested child. We will turn the living room into an infirmary to watch the kids with fevers and vomiting. Our bed turns into a family bed when there are bad dreams, bedwetters who have soiled their own sheets (but they must put on a pull-up before sleeping in our bed), or any need for extra warmth or comfort. (Jersey #2 likes to sleep against my lower back when she is cold and having trouble maintaining her body heat).
Since we have siblings sharing bedrooms, we also make accomodations when one of the kids falls asleep before the others. There have been nights that we let Jersey #3 & Jersey #4 fall asleep on the couch, because their baby brother is already asleep in their bedroom. We carry them to their beds after they are asleep. When the children are going to bed at the same time, we leave the light on until they are asleep, or ask for it to be turned off.
What I really like about our "we do what works for us" method of sleep training our kids, is that it is so peaceful & relaxed, and everyone gets sleep. Healthy sleep habits should start with peaceful sleep. There is no crying. There are no trantrums. There are no punishments. There are full bellies (after a bedtime snack), comfort items (pacifiers, sippy cups, plush blankets), relaxing entertainment (rocking, movies, Leapsters, and reading books), companions (siblings sharing bedrooms eliminate the I'm-scared-to-be-alone struggle), and the comfort of knowing that Mom & Dad are always available when they need us.
Thankfully, I now have the experience to know that babies do not have to learn to fall asleep on their own by 3 months old. Co-sleeping makes breastfeeding a newborn much easier! A crib is not a cage. Placing my baby in a crib is a great way to keep them safe (especially when older siblings and pets are around). A baby swing and a recliner are great investments for times when baby is congested and needs to be elevated to breathe (breathing is a requirement of peaceful sleep). If I start the habit of rocking my baby to sleep, I will NOT be rocking them to sleep forever. Screaming is not a requirement for learning self-soothing or for learning healthy sleep habits. Some children (Jersey #2) do not sleep for a 12 hours stretch at any point in their life....10 hours at night is Ok too. Some children (Jersey #1) can sleep through a natural disaster without waking, but other children (Jersey #3) require a fan or other white noise to keep from waking too easily. Some children (Jersey #5) can sleep anywhere...including sitting in a shopping cart....but other children (Jersey #4) prefer to sleep at home.
I love sleep. I want it to be a positive thing for my children too.
Very well said! I read all the books and stressed out about sleep way too much with the first two, and now I am taking the "whatever works for her" approach with Claire. We haven't quite found exactly what works for her yet, but I am so much less stressed, not trying to force us both into someone else's approach. I know that we can adjust as needed (which is sometimes daily or even hourly!) :)
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