The workload and busy-ness can distract us from this....
Kids prefer to be securely positioned in the middle of both parents...
Which immediately repositions the couple further apart from each other.
It is wonderful when a child is blessed with a Mom & Dad who love them very much, and they know it! It is important for people to mature to the point that our focus switches from self to child, when we become parents.
It is also important to remember that the marriage is the center of the family.
My Mom often advises that the best thing I can do for my children is to love their father. Parents face the challenge of staying connected as a couple, when it is so easy to be distracted with the needs and care of the children. Parenting is a big job when we are in the midst of it. But, it really is just a season. The couple starts out life together first. The season of parenting is in the middle. The couple will be alone again when the nest empties in the blink of an eye! It is so important to keep the marriage relationship strong during that season of parenting, so that the children will have a healthy, secure family to grow in. It is also important so that the couple will continue to grow strong together when the season of parenting winds down.
I did not start out with this knowledge, and quickly fell into the trap of focusing solely on our new baby and easily dismissing my husband. (I'm not talking about the early post-partum months that require so much grace to let the body heal, let the family adjust to the newborn, and let the newborn adjust to life outside the womb. I think we can all extend a little more patience with ourselves and each other during that time.) I'm talking about later, when the routine of our family began to flow well. It became real easy for me to focus ALL of my attention on my child while she was awake, and then focus the rest of my energy on me when she was asleep.
Early on, I did not understand the importance of date night.
I am certain that couples can find many, many ways to connect with each other that do not require a babysitter, dinner, and a movie. Date night is the term I use to remind me that we were a couple first, and I need to be careful to not lose focus of that. Date night is the reminder that there should be time that only includes me and my husband. It took me many years (and 3 children) to realize that it is Ok to leave the children with a babysitter and go out with only my husband. The fear that something tragic could happen while I was away is not a good enough reason to ignore a marriage.
Our home is not tragedy-proof just because I am there. Our marriage is not tragedy-proof when I am not there.
After realizing the error of my ways, I slowly started to schedule some dates with my husband. At first, they revolved around really important times, like our anniversary. The more I worked at it, the easier it became to enjoy that time away. (My husband certainly enjoyed it, as he never lost sight of the need to be a couple from the very start). I was also quick to make excuses as to why we couldn't hire a babysitter....because of a high maintenance child, or due to budget concerns.
When I finally came to the knowledge of the importance of making time with my husband a priority for our family and for our budget, we already had 4 children. It is rather difficult to find a sitter for 4 children! It is even more difficult to find a sitter for FIVE! We do not live near extended family, so that is not an option for us. With 1 or 2 children, it would have been rather simple to swap babysitting with another couple, and take turns having date nights. With 4 or 5, that is not such a popular idea!
We have been greatly blessed with some teen girls from our church who have been willing to double up together, and babysit our children. It is even sweeter that our children are so comfortable in their care. When we had 4 kids, we hired 2 babysitters at a time. When we had 5 kids, we hired 3 babysitters at a time. As the kids are growing older (and Jersey #1 is becoming helpful as a "junior babysitter"), we are able to hire 2 babysitters at a time again. Those girls have gifted our family with some free babysitting. In addition, we've added date night as a budget priority.
We have not worked up to a once a week date night by any stretch of the imagination. We are lucky to find the opportunity once every two months. It is a real treat to enjoy date night once a month. I am proud to say that we have been on 3 dates this month already....and planning 1 more!
Tonight, we were blessed with the gift of date night from another mother of 5. Her kids are all grown or near-grown, and she just loves children. She was willing to come over to our home and care for the kids, feed them snacks, play with their toys, rock the little ones to sleep, and cuddle with the bigger ones while watching movies. She has previously volunteered to help us out like this for hospital procedures, and other appointments. She has a servant's heart. She has set a great example for me on how to serve another Mom.
Moms need encouragement that they are doing a good job. Sometimes they need a sitter so they can run an errand or to an appointment. Sometimes they need a nap or a meal....
And, sometimes we need to be reminded that the joys of motherhood are enhanced when we remember to also be a WIFE!
It is wonderful when a child is blessed with a Mom & Dad who love them very much, and they know it! It is important for people to mature to the point that our focus switches from self to child, when we become parents.
It is also important to remember that the marriage is the center of the family.
My Mom often advises that the best thing I can do for my children is to love their father. Parents face the challenge of staying connected as a couple, when it is so easy to be distracted with the needs and care of the children. Parenting is a big job when we are in the midst of it. But, it really is just a season. The couple starts out life together first. The season of parenting is in the middle. The couple will be alone again when the nest empties in the blink of an eye! It is so important to keep the marriage relationship strong during that season of parenting, so that the children will have a healthy, secure family to grow in. It is also important so that the couple will continue to grow strong together when the season of parenting winds down.
I did not start out with this knowledge, and quickly fell into the trap of focusing solely on our new baby and easily dismissing my husband. (I'm not talking about the early post-partum months that require so much grace to let the body heal, let the family adjust to the newborn, and let the newborn adjust to life outside the womb. I think we can all extend a little more patience with ourselves and each other during that time.) I'm talking about later, when the routine of our family began to flow well. It became real easy for me to focus ALL of my attention on my child while she was awake, and then focus the rest of my energy on me when she was asleep.
Early on, I did not understand the importance of date night.
I am certain that couples can find many, many ways to connect with each other that do not require a babysitter, dinner, and a movie. Date night is the term I use to remind me that we were a couple first, and I need to be careful to not lose focus of that. Date night is the reminder that there should be time that only includes me and my husband. It took me many years (and 3 children) to realize that it is Ok to leave the children with a babysitter and go out with only my husband. The fear that something tragic could happen while I was away is not a good enough reason to ignore a marriage.
Our home is not tragedy-proof just because I am there. Our marriage is not tragedy-proof when I am not there.
After realizing the error of my ways, I slowly started to schedule some dates with my husband. At first, they revolved around really important times, like our anniversary. The more I worked at it, the easier it became to enjoy that time away. (My husband certainly enjoyed it, as he never lost sight of the need to be a couple from the very start). I was also quick to make excuses as to why we couldn't hire a babysitter....because of a high maintenance child, or due to budget concerns.
When I finally came to the knowledge of the importance of making time with my husband a priority for our family and for our budget, we already had 4 children. It is rather difficult to find a sitter for 4 children! It is even more difficult to find a sitter for FIVE! We do not live near extended family, so that is not an option for us. With 1 or 2 children, it would have been rather simple to swap babysitting with another couple, and take turns having date nights. With 4 or 5, that is not such a popular idea!
We have been greatly blessed with some teen girls from our church who have been willing to double up together, and babysit our children. It is even sweeter that our children are so comfortable in their care. When we had 4 kids, we hired 2 babysitters at a time. When we had 5 kids, we hired 3 babysitters at a time. As the kids are growing older (and Jersey #1 is becoming helpful as a "junior babysitter"), we are able to hire 2 babysitters at a time again. Those girls have gifted our family with some free babysitting. In addition, we've added date night as a budget priority.
We have not worked up to a once a week date night by any stretch of the imagination. We are lucky to find the opportunity once every two months. It is a real treat to enjoy date night once a month. I am proud to say that we have been on 3 dates this month already....and planning 1 more!
Tonight, we were blessed with the gift of date night from another mother of 5. Her kids are all grown or near-grown, and she just loves children. She was willing to come over to our home and care for the kids, feed them snacks, play with their toys, rock the little ones to sleep, and cuddle with the bigger ones while watching movies. She has previously volunteered to help us out like this for hospital procedures, and other appointments. She has a servant's heart. She has set a great example for me on how to serve another Mom.
Moms need encouragement that they are doing a good job. Sometimes they need a sitter so they can run an errand or to an appointment. Sometimes they need a nap or a meal....
And, sometimes we need to be reminded that the joys of motherhood are enhanced when we remember to also be a WIFE!
I am beginning to love just watching TV with AJU1 at night when AJU5 is asleep and AJU6 is either asleep or calm in our arms. Maybe one day we will be "ready" to go out to dinner or something alone... Unfortunately we are hombodies and aren't big into eating out or going to movies...
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