Pacifiers

Jersey #5 is unexpectedly pacifier-free now.

It is the end of an era. It happened so quickly, that I am still trying to process it. I'm sure it is a good thing in the end. I'm just shocked is all. The process of weaning a child can be adventurous....much like any of us trying to give up a habit. I suppose I was more braced for the adventure, and not expecting a peaceful end like this. I should know better by now, because Jersey #5 really is that mellow of a kid.

The concept started when I was taking the kids to swim lessons every day for 2 weeks. I did not want to lose a bunch of pacifiers around the pool, so I started asking Jersey #5 to give it to me before we left the house. I would tuck it into the diaper bag and not return it until he asked for it in the car on the ride home. He was so excited about going swimming, that he did not care. That system worked well. We did not leave a single pacifier at the pool that way. What I did not expect was the days he didn't bother to even ask for his "fire" on the ride home.

I've noticed over the past few weeks that he has been handing them to me quite a bit, especially when he wanted to eat a snack, or go outside. I started tucking them all into a drawer, utilizing the "out of sight, out of mind" idea. His dependency was decreasing, but I was not in any hurry to wean him off the pacifier.

I like pacifiers. They are awesome for helping a child soothe. They have served me well with most of my kids. Pacifiers helped Jersey #2 comfort through medical procedures when she was an infant. Pacifiers helped us teach Jersey #3 some soothing skills. Pacifiers make bedtime and nap time, and church service easier. I have no experience with thumb-sucking children, but I've always assumed weaning from a pacifier must be easier than weaning off the thumb (because we just can't extinguish a thumb like we can the pacifier).

Then all of a sudden the wheels started turning. I was chatting with a friend who mentioned she was weaning her child off the pacifier, using the method of cutting a piece off the tip to make it less desirable. I've used that method before too, so I chatted with her about it. Then, I started to recall the memories of each of my kids and how their pacifier addictions and weaning processes were so different. Ah, Memories!

Jersey #1

I originally thought Jersey #1 was one of the most pacifier addicted children around. When she wasn't eating, she was sucking a pacifier. She did not use Mom as a pacifier, because she did not like to breastfeed after she was full. She would take the pacifier out of her mouth to talk, but never let it out of her grasp. She often had one in her mouth, and one in her hand. She was a very content child, and her verbal skills developed very early. So, the pacifier didn't seem to be a problem. When I was a newer Mom, I was not as confident about waiting for a child to show signs of readiness for milestones...I tried to select my own time table for their development. I randomly decided that I needed to wean her from the pacifier by age 2. So the month she was turning 2, I gathered up all of her pacifiers and stored them out of sight. Then, I cut the tip off one and left it out for her. When she went to use that pacifier, she tried it, made a funny facial expression, and then took it out of her mouth and studied it. She informed me it was broken. Her communication skills were fantastic, so I told her that if her pacifier was broken, then she needed to go throw it into the garbage. She did. I praised her. Later that day, when she asked for it, I reminded her that it was broken so she had to throw it in the garbage. She asked about it over the course of two days, and that was it. I thought if I could wean Jersey #1, then I could wean anyone!

Of course, Jersey #2 challenged my prideful skills.

Jersey #2 was the complete opposite of her sister. She had no interest in a pacifier at all...originally. She was a very easy newborn. She did not start taking a pacifier until she was placed on oxygen for her heart condition, at 2 months old. She fought the oxygen stream, so we coaxed her to breathe it by plugging her mouth with a pacifier. It worked! It worked so well that she used a pacifier heartily to endure her heart surgery testing and recovery experience. She then used a pacifier to endure the pain of recovery. It wasn't long before she used a pacifier completely out of forced habit. I thought that if she wasn't that interested to begin with, then weaning would be easier. Wrong! I tried the exact same method of trimming off the tip of the pacifier, just like I had done with Jersey #1. I did it at the same arbitrary age of the month she was turning 2. Jersey #2 gave me a similar, but much less verbal reaction over the broken pacifier. Only, instead of throwing it away, she demanded a new one. I still remember that moment where she stood next to the trash can, holding the broken pacifier, refusing to toss it until she had a new one. She knew that there was more than 1 pacifier in the world.

In an instant, I decided to try the "cold turkey" approach. I took the pacifier and showed her it was broken, then I threw it in the trash. When she asked for a new one, I told her that the pacifier was all gone. I re-explained that it was broken and we had to throw it away. Jersey #2 was devastated. She was so upset that I could not carry out the cold turkey approach, knowing I was creating such emotional pain in my child. She put her fingers into her mouth and cried. I picked her up to comfort her a while, then I went to the cabinet and got her another pacifier. I decided right then that she was not ready, and I needed to wait until she was ready to throw it away on her own. I just did not have the ability to force it cold turkey. That goes against my nature.

Jersey #2 threw away her pacifier on her 3rd birthday. She received a brand new pink princess booster seat as a birthday present. She was so excited about that car seat. As we were getting ready for church that next morning, I told her that her new booster seat was for "Big Girls" only. She could move from her "baby" car seat into her "Big Girl" car seat when she was ready to throw away her pacifier. She looked at that pretty pink seat. She looked at her pacifier. She looked at that pretty pink seat. And, then she ran to the trash can and threw that pacifier away with great determination. She climbed into her new seat in the van, and smiled from ear to ear all the way to church. We praised her all day for being a big girl. She asked about her pacifier at bedtime, and I re-explained the choice she made. That was enough for her. It was her choice, so she was content to live with it.

Jersey #3

Jersey #3 was another child who did not take a pacifier naturally. We chose to instill the trait in him out of desperation over his lack of soothing skills. He would have used Mom as a pacifier 24 hours a day, if I could have handled that. Folks who know him remember how addicted he was to his pacifier, because he used it to help soothe himself through social situations. At home, he gradually decreased his dependency. By this point in my mothering journey, I quit worrying about what the parenting recommendations or peer/family recommendations were. I started trusting my own mothering intuition with my kids. So, instead of assigning a random deadline for his pacifier, I kept an eye out for signs of his personal readiness.

Jersey #3 was 2 1/2 when he weaned from the pacifier. It started when I observed that he was leaving them laying around as he became distracted playing. We started gathering them up and storing them out of sight, until he asked for them. Out of sight, out of mind was a smooth approach. His dependency waned quickly that way. Next, I stopped taking them with us on outings. For some reason, it seemed easier to distract him and re-direct him when we were away from the house. When I felt confident that he no longer needed the pacifier, and felt good about my redirection methods, we halted them cold turkey. It took about 2 days of answering that the pacifiers were "all gone," each time he asked, and that was it. He did ask us where is baby sister's pacifiers were, after we told him his were gone. We were able to say hers were gone too.

Jersey #4

Jersey #4 was an infant who did not desire a pacifier much either. Thankfully, she did not have any medical or developmental issues to inspire us to encourage it. As a result, I actually found it difficult to find a picture of her using a pacifier for this blog post. She used them on rare occasion for the first 6 months of life, mostly as she was falling asleep. Otherwise, she was without one. She was challenging as a baby...in ways that a pacifier would have alleviated...but we managed. I learned to just leave every outing when she started screaming, because she was not going to just take a pacifier and calm down. One afternoon, as the Referee was attempting to rock her to sleep, she repeatedly took the pacifier out of her mouth and threw it across the room. (That was her way of communicating that she did not want to nap at that time). By the 3rd time I picked up the pacifier from the floor, I suggested we just wean her and be rid of them. She threw them a lot. The only person who wanted them was her big brother, Jersey #3. We decided to wean both kids at the same time, by removing the pacifiers from sight. Jeresey #4 did not care one bit. She only used them to fall asleep anyway, and she had decided she didn't want to sleep on our terms. I am not sure that we can truly call it weaning, when she didn't really want the pacifier to begin with. We simply stopped offering them to her.

Jersey #5 loved the pacifier, much like Jersey #1. He had one in his mouth most of the time, except to eat.

Jersey #5 is such a quiet, mellow child. He wasn't demanding with his pacifiers, and he wasn't losing them all over the place, so I wasn't even thinking about weaning yet. Pacifiers were not a problem. After I started storing them away for swim lessons, he started handing them to me at random times. He would hand me his pacifier before he went outside, or before he climbed up to the table to eat. I started to keep them gathered up, out of sight, until he asked for them. That out of sight, out of mind approach seems so smooth, and really lets me gauge the level of pacifier dependence (based on how often, or at what times, a pacifier is requested).

I don't know if Jersey #5 was listening to our conversations about pacifier weaning, or if it was peer pressure, or if it was simply time for him. The same week of that conversation, we had toddler visitors to our house who were not using pacifiers. One of them went so far as to remove Jersey #5's pacifier and tell him it was "for baby." Jersey #5 eventually just gave me his pacifier so that she could not take it from him anymore. Over the next couple days, he hardly asked for it.

Then, last Thursday night, he came to our bed in the middle of the night, without his pacifier. He asked for his blanket, but he fell asleep without waiting for a pacifier to be found. He went that entire day until the late afternoon, without even mentioning a pacifier. By lunch time, I started rounding them up, if I saw any around the house, and hid them from the drawer where they were originally stored. I started telling the older kids that we were not going to mention them, and just see how long it takes him to even want one. I mentioned to The Referee that it looked like the weekend to wean (knowing it usually takes about 2 days of questions...and some whining in response...and potentially more frequent night time waking).

Of course, just when I think I know how a child will respond, my children humble me. Jersey #5 is clearly the most easy-going child in our family. His weaning from the pacifier was just as calm as his personality. He asked for his "fire" when he was overdo to nap late that afternoon. I told him the pacifiers were "all gone." I even showed him the empty part of the drawer where they used to be stored. He whined intermittently for 3 minutes, accepted a drink of milk instead, and fell asleep to The Referee rocking him. From the time he woke up from that nap, he did not ask for a pacifier the rest of the day or night. Instead, he shocked me even further by telling me when he was ready for bed. I thought he was joking. I went with it, as if we were playing. I told him to go climb into bed and I would tuck him in. As I put the blanket on him and told him goodnight, he pretended to snore. I giggled, and left the light on, thinking he would be back up in minutes when that fun wore off. To my shock, he fell asleep right away, and remained in bed for the rest of the night....without a pacifier! I had braced myself to comfort him through the night, expecting frequent waking and asking for a pacifier. Instead, we both slept through the night. It was amazing!

I realize I do not get to choose which path the kids will take, as their personalities are so very different. But, if I could, I would choose having my babies and toddlers use a pacifier to aid in soothing and comfort, for as long as they needed. In hindsight, I would choose to not pressure them to wean on my schedule. Then, I would choose them to wean as smoothly as Jersey #5--when they were clearly ready and no longer dependent.

While I am still dreaming, let's add in the easy bedtime routine and sleeping through the night in their own bed too....that was a fun twist to the pacifier weaning adventure! Ah, Memories!