Happy New Year!

Ring In The New Year

The party's over here!

One way that I decided I would help us cope with the stress of our broken family, is to seek opportunities to have more fun and enjoyment, especially for the holidays.  

We started with ringing in the new year in style.

I picked up some junk food at the store.  The kids opened the Disney Karaoke Wii game they received for Christmas.  We ate.  We sang.  We laughed.  We had a blast.

My previous efforts of having the kids help me with baking paid off.  The older kids wanted to try baking something on their own.  I stayed at the table and supervised their efforts (especially to make sure there were no egg shells in the batter).

Jersey #2 made a batch of brownies...

Jersey #3 made a strawberry cake with chocolate frosting...

Jersey #5 sampled all of the snacks and dips...

Jersey #1 thought she was being sneaky and singing karaoke while the rest of us baked, but I managed to sneak a picture of her in action...

Jersey #4 cracked me up.  After she was done singing a song, I complimented her on her beautiful voice.  She took a bow and said, "Thank you ladies and gentlemen, from the next singer at church."

I had no idea she aspired to sing at church, like her big sister.  Too cute.

I decided to join in the fun and sang to the top of my lungs.  Even though the game gave me 5 stars, my kids told me that my singing attempt proved that I really can't sing very well.  

It is true.

It is safe to say that I will NOT be singing with the praise team at church!

Preparing for the NEW in New Year

The New Year is about to bring a NEW way of life to the Home Team.

Our team is being dismantled.

The Referee has decided to quit. 

He wants out of the marriage, out of the workload of relationships, and out of this house that resembles a 3-ring circus.  He has paid a lawyer and filed for legal separation.  He has placed a deposit on an apartment, and should be moving out within the next 2 weeks.  

In some ways, I am surprised.  In some ways, I am not surprised.

Anyone in their right mind wonders how a man can just walk away like that.  Doesn't he realize the consequences of those actions are huge?

(Yes, yes he does.  He knows first-hand, being the son of a man who walked away like that).

But, anyone who has either overcame serious depression, or has lived with someone with serious depression, knows that quitting is common.  I honestly believe this decision to end our marriage is a result of a depression cycle gone too far.  The timing and explanations are just not rational.  Plus, the previous couple months were some of our healthiest and most stable in a long time.  The response is so out of balance from the level of conflict, that it hardly seems possible to carry it out this way.

90% of marriages where one spouse is clinically depressed, end in divorce.  Those are terrible statistics, but I completely understand why they are true.

The image of depression is of a person who is withdrawn and passive.  The commercials on TV show someone in bed, ignoring the life going on around them.  That is only a part of the depression lifestyle.  It is probably the easiest part to live with.  The part that no one seems to want to talk about or admit to, is the part where the depressed person is selfish, manipulative, quarrelsome, and unreasonable.  They can be charming in public, and the opposite at home.  I believe the words mean and critical are better descriptions of a severely depressed spouse, than withdrawn.  Depressives make sudden references to separation and divorce, at random.  Personally, I think it is a manipulation tactic. 

Needless to say, The Referee has talked about ending our marriage a zillion times....so much so that I have said for years that The Referee has one foot out the door.   For years, I did not take him seriously, because I was thinking rationally.  When he was rational again, he too thought breaking up our family was absurd.  

My conscience is clean.  I can honestly say that I have tried every avenue of help and support.  I have sought every resource imaginable to try to mend the broken in our relationship.  Pastors, counselors, friends, books, doctors, medications, making new memories, loving more, forgiving more, reacting less, etc....to no avail.  

The Referee decided to behave in a hurtful and disrespectful manner to "send a message" that he wanted out of our marriage.  It worked.  This time, I accepted it.  

I still believe it is an irrational response on his part.  In my opinion, if he really wanted out of the marriage, he could take that stand, and say so....when he was calm and collected.  Choosing to "send a message" (his words), and act out of character during a depressive rage (my words), hardly seems like living the truth.  

Since I have tried everything else, I decided to try agreeing with him.  Ok, let's separate.  Clearly, he is not going to stop idolizing that option until he gives it a good try.

I am not willing to be doormat and allow him to continue to treat me poorly.  We are responsible for our choices, no matter what medical diagnosis we obtain.

So, I am following some age-old advice:

"If you love someone, set them free..." 

This New Year's Eve, I am busy preparing for a New life---as a single Mom. 

It is going to be challenging.

It is going to be tough.

Thankfully, I do not have to face it alone.  I have a tremendous support network of family and friends.  Most are praying fervently.  I am encouraged daily.  Yesterday, my sisters sent me a bouquet of flowers on behalf of their families and my parents.  It made my day.   

The New Year is taking me into unfamiliar territory.  I welcome it.  Surely, this next year has to produce some better memories than this current year I am leaving behind.  Whew!  

Bring On 2012!

Haircuts

I surprised the kids by trimming their hair myself.

We usually go to a really cool kid-friendly hair salon for their haircuts.  

As we seek more and more ways to make cuts to our family budget, the salon haircuts had to go.  I was prepared.  I had took the kids for their last salon cut right before we took a family portrait.  I purchased a kit with clippers and nice scissors, and watched some tutorials online.  I was a bit nervous, so I put off the haircuts until the girls were complaining about their bangs being in their eyes.

The older girls were scared to have me trim their bangs.  I assured them that I trim my own bangs, and could handle that part.  It was shaving the boys' heads with clippers that made me nervous.

One-by-one I lined them up for a trim....and then sent them to the bathtub/shower for a good cleaning.

My first day on the job at Mommy's Hair Salon was huge success.  Everyone was happy with their cuts.  I still have some work to do to trim smoother around the boys' ears.  Overall, I am pleased too.

As I was cleaning up afterward, Jersey #1 told me she was amazed that I could cut hair.  I explained that it was one of my hidden talents.  Jersey #2 asked if I had other hidden talents, like singing?

I assured her that, No,  singing will never be a talent of mine.

Build-A-Bear

Nana came to town after Christmas, and continued to spoil us.

She told the kids that she wanted to take them shopping and buy them a gift.  Build-A-Bear is usually a big hit.  But, knowing that some of the kids are getting older, and more interested in video games than teddy bears, she also offered a visit to Game Stop as an alternative.

Four children chose Build-A-Bear.  One chose Game Stop.

All had fun!

The Build-A-Smurfs were totally adorable to this Smurf-loving Mom!

Jersey #3 had to be SO patient to wait for his siblings to build their bears.  He did a good job.

Our next stop was Game Stop, so he could pick out a new video game.  It took him only a single minute to select the game he wanted.  One of the Super Mario Bro's games for his DS.  Actually, they spent more time in the check-out line than they spent looking at games.

Jersey #3 was willing to skip lunch, if we would just let him play his DS in the van while we ate!  We convinced him to join us for lunch at Chick-Fil-A.  

It was a fun shopping day!

Christmas Music

MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM THE HOME TEAM!

Our Christmas morning was made sweeter by Jersey #2 performing a music special at church.

She has been taking piano lessons for a few months now.  Her piano teacher gave her a couple simple Christmas carols to learn to play this month.  Jersey #2 was inspired to practice and practice, after our Pastor suggested she could play one of her songs for the church during the Christmas morning service.  

Jersey #2 has been a bit jealous that her older sister sings with the praise and worship team.  So, she jumped at the chance to share some of her musical talent too.

I captured a short video, of most of the song:  "We Three Kings"

Happy Christmas Eve

Our family opens presents on Christmas Eve.  It is so much nicer to have everyone clean, dressed, fed, and happy before taking on the overwhelming excitement of making wrapping paper fly!  After all of the presents are opened, we let the kids stay up all night long, and play with their new toys and gadgets.  

Normally, this allows for better photos too.  This year, my camera decided to croak.  So most of my Christmas Eve photos are too dark (because the flash wasn't working), blurry, or completely black.  Bummer!  We still had a good time together, even if there is not as much photo proof as in previous years.

The children were greatly spoiled this Christmas.  Granny & PawPaw bought all of their grandbabies a new bicycle this year.

We let the kids "open" their new bikes Christmas Eve afternoon.  Then, we took them to the newly-renovated park near our house.  That park opened up just a few days ago.  It was open for 1 day before a snowstorm hit.  There was still snow on the ground when we visited the park, but most of the sidewalks were clear for riding.

We managed to get one half-way decent photo of me and my kiddos...

Opening gifts is always an exciting time...

Nana spoils the kids with wonderful gifts too.  Aunts and Uncles added to the spoiling.  It was an electronic Christmas this year.  Personal DVD players, Wii games, DSi games, and even a Kindle (for Jersey #1).  I am pleased by how we managed to keep to our budget AND the kids received so many nice gifts.  We have a generous extended family that helps make it possible.  

Gingerbread Adventures

According to my Facebook friends, making gingerbread houses is a common Christmas tradition.

I was unaware of this tradition until this year.

Thankfully, my gingerbread house tradition-deprived children did not miss out.  They were able to enjoy this messy fun activity on two occasions this Christmas season.

Granny & PawPaw planned a day of Christmas party fun with their grandbabies, when the original plans to go to PawPaw's work party fell through (outdoor party had to be cancelled due to serious mud from an unexpected snow).  Granny bought gingerbread house kits and thought it would be great fun for the 7 visiting grandbabies to put them together.

From the stories that were told after the event, it sounds like Granny & PawPaw will not attempt such a feat again.  Candies and frosting were everywhere.  Gingerbread houses and walls were not cooperating in the construction process.  It was total mayhem!

The kids had a blast.

Later in the month, the kids participated in a gingerbread house decorating contest at church.  Pastor assembled the house kits in advance, and the kids divided into two groups to decorate them.  Boys vs Girls.  There was some serious competition going on!

The groups took the adults by surprise in their reactions to the decorating.  The girls went hog-wild, using every bit of sugar to load up their house.  There were giggles galore.  The boys took a very serious approach.  They were most careful to create a precision design that was flawless.  At first, the process was so serious, the older boys did not want to include the younger boys, in fear that the younger boys might make the design messy.

In the end, the girls clearly had the most decorated house...

The boys had the most precision-designed house...

And, alas, my children were able to enjoy the experience of building and decorating gingerbread houses this year.....and I did not have any of the mess at my house!  

A First

We experienced a "first" at our house, courtesy of Jersey #5.

I have heard numerous stories from other parents about such experiences with their children.

It is apparently, quiet common.

For some reason, it took our 5th child to be the first to achieve this memory.

Jersey #5 cut his own hair.

I walked into the living room and caught him with a pair of scissors in hand, snipping at one side of his head.  From the looks of it, he missed a couple times and also scratched his neck.  

There is never a dull moment in parenting...

Pregnancy: 12 Weeks

I am 12 weeks along in this pregnancy now.  Baby is about the size of a lime. 

The weeks seem to be going by much faster this time around.  I'm guessing because I am so busy with life.

This first trimester has been full of nausea and exhaustion, so I have been taking things easy.  My lack of regular housekeeping is proof that I have been resting much more than usual.  I have ordered pizza for dinner more often than I have cooked a meal.  At first, I felt guilty.  The Referee reminded me....and later I remind myself....that this is only temporary.  I tend to be worn out during the first trimester, and this too shall pass.  

I feel as though I have come full circle.  This pregnancy is filled with so many blessings, that it is easy to enjoy it.  

I had to work really hard to accept the fact that Jersey #5 was going to be my last baby.  It seemed like a requirement at the time, as The Referee was certain he did not want anymore children.  As difficult as it was to accept, I tried to be faithful to the decision.  I gave away the baby items as Jersey #5 outgrew them.  I told everyone he was our "grand finale."  I even tried to accept The Referee's decision to get a vasectomy.  I even called to make the appointment for him.  (My only requirement was that he not go to a facility that also performed abortions.  I could not stomach that at all).  I tried to point out all the ways our life was becoming easier, and the joys of having the kids at older, more independent ages.  I prayed that God would give me peace with the decision. 

My heart's desire was to have more children.  I wanted more biological children, and I also want to adopt.  I honestly thought I should have been one of the "Quiver-full" women who gladly accepted all the children God gave them, whenever they were blessed, all the way to menopause.  I did not acquire peace, so I switched to trying to achieve patience.  I prayed that God would change The Referee's heart, so that he would desire more children too.  Little by little, I started to see glimpses of promise.  First, The Referee asked if I minded if he canceled the vasectomy appointment.  He initially suggested it was poor timing with his current workload.  I teased him that I would be praying for an "accidental pregnancy" in the meantime.  Later, The Referee admitted that he had changed his position on the vasectomy.  It was such a big decision, that would affect both our lives, and he did not feel comfortable making the decision one-sided, knowing I did not agree.  I think that was one of the most romantic things he has ever told me.

While we were taking Jersey #2 for heart surgery, our perspective on family size changed.  I came to realize  the burden of 5 births in 6 years.....especially considering all of the health issues, financial strains, and exhaustion we endured.  In hind sight, a little spacing might have brought some relief and coping.  The Referee came to realize that Fatherhood was deeply important to him.  The season of parenting with only a couple kids would have flown by.  He actually enjoyed some of the chaos of our circus lifestyle.  Although he was not ready to jump into another pregnancy at the time, he was certain our family was not done growing.  

I was so excited about this change of heart.  I had to be patient, and I am not good at patience.  The ups and downs of life and health and career seemed to keep us further from my desires, so my patience was tested.  As the dust settled, and our circumstances seemed to be strengthening and stabilizing, I made my case that I no longer wanted to prevent a pregnancy.  I was ready to welcome another little one into our family, if God would bless us again.  I was not obsessed this time.  I was not going to track the ovulation window, or fret during the "2-week wait."  I was not going to pine for a baby, and act like I could not function if I did not get pregnant.  My goal was to be Quiver-full...to accept God's will for my family size.  He may say I was done.  He may bless us with more.  There is no stress when I know God is in control.  

Much to our surprise, our fertility is still quite strong!  I used to joke that we were so fertile that I would get pregnant just from our discussions about having another baby.  This time around, that joke almost seemed accurate.  What a blessing to be welcoming a new baby into our family!  

I was excited.  The Referee was excited.  The kids were excited.  Our friends were excited.  What a wonderful response to such exciting news.  After years of hearing negativity....."why do you keep having kids when you have so many problems during pregnancy?"....."you finally got a boy, so you can be done now"......"you have enough kids already"......"I thought you were done".....it was SO nice to have friends say, "I am happy for you!"

I have such peace with this pregnancy.  In the past, I have worried and worried about all the things that can go wrong, including the pain of losing another child.  This time, I have finally learned to give it to God....and not take it back again.  Taking Jersey #2 for heart surgery was the first time I have truly understood praying for God's will, versus my own wants and desires.  I am in the same space with this pregnancy too.  I know there are no guarantees.  Even reaching 12 weeks does not mean my baby will survive.  There are no guarantees in Motherhood, no matter what age our children reach.  I have finally learned to focus on the blessing of each day with my children, instead of focusing on the potential for crisis and tragedy.  For the first time in my life, I feel like I have finally healed from the pain of the death of my firstborn.  To this day, I am able to enjoy the pregnancy, much like I was able to enjoy my first pregnancy.  Instead of being naive, I am experienced.  But, the joy is JOY!  

One of the burdens in our marriage is the way The Referee likes to focus on the strain of the responsibility of many children.  He can usually point out more negative thoughts and experiences than he can point out positive ones.  With this pregnancy, he gave me a great gift.  He shared a story about one of the "fun" parts of pregnancy.  He has retold the story publicly, and it makes me smile.  One evening a few weeks ago, The Referee and our older children were at Tae Kwon Do class.  I had been struggling with some pretty severe nausea.  Earlier that day, I bought a chili dog, to settle my stomach.  That evening, I texted The Referee a funny-worded text to let him know I would like another chili dog.  I said, "hey by the way, there is a drive-thru on your way home, that sells footlong chili dogs with mustard and onions!"  He got the hint, and was perfectly willing to stop and get me that chili dog.  He had the most fun trying to explain to our older children why it was Ok that Mom made such a strange request.  He explained, that was pregnancy.  The kids were floored.

"But, Mom doesn't even like onions!"

The Referee laughed as he explained that even though I normally do not eat onions, pregnancy causes strange cravings sometimes.  It is easier to just go with it.  I did not realize how cravings hit me so much.  But, The Referee has some stories.  And, he had a blast sharing those stories.  How fun to laugh about the quirks of pregnancy!  

Learning that there were aspects of our pregnancy experiences that The Referee actually enjoyed, was certainly a pleasant surprise.  I also threw us for a loop with a surprise realization of my own.  Apparently, I am not a Quiver-full woman.  I am not meant to continue growing and birthing babies until menopause.  I am very excited to be blessed once more.  My heart is now content that this baby should be my last biological baby (I still hope adoption is in my future).  I surprised The Referee by telling him that I was comfortable with him pursuing a vasectomy now.  I explained that pregnancy is more difficult with age, and I realize I am not fit to continue to be pregnant in my 40's.  I also realize that my heart is being turned toward a second career, when my season of Motherhood is done.  I accept this and am ready to prepare for it.  I am ready to raise these 6 children to the best of my ability, and move forward to the next chapter.  I surprised myself.  When my friends and I would discuss being "done," I just did not feel "done," and could not relate to the discussions.  Now, I understand what feeling "done" actually means.  My heart is content.     

          

A Real Tree

We decided to try something different this year, and bought a real, live Christmas tree.

I have had an artificial tree my entire life, so I did not really know what to expect.  I have been told that live trees are messy, with needles falling down, and need to be watered regularly.  Oh, and folks also say they are expensive too.  Other folks rave about how wonderful a real tree is....the scent, the tradition of picking the perfect tree, etc.  

Last Christmas, our artificial tree wore out and broke.  We had to tie it to the wall to keep it standing for the rest of the season.  It was so wimpy that the star on top fell to the floor and busted.  We made the decision to get rid of the broken tree after Christmas, and plan to try a live tree this year.  The timing seemed good.  If the live tree did not work out for us this year, we could always buy a new artificial tree when they go on sale after Christmas.  We would purchase our live tree at Galloping Grace Youth Ranch's Christmas Corral.  That way, money spent was for a great charity cause anyway.  Sometimes it is fun to break tradition and try something new.  So, we did.

We bundled up warm and visited the GGYR Christmas Tree Corral.

They had trees of all shapes and sizes.  We had no clue what we were looking for.  Jersey #2 was only interested in the price.  The Referee had to remind her that she was not the one paying for the tree, so she did not need to be so concerned with the price.  After browsing the rows and rows of trees, we decided to pick a tree that would be short enough for the kids to be able to reach majority of it.  Had we gone with too tall of a tree, it would only get partially decorated by our young crew.

We picked a Douglas Fir that was close to 5 feet tall.  We bought a tree stand, and had the tree volunteers attach it for us.  The tree fit great in the back of the truck.  The Referee hauled it into the house and stood it up, and that was it.  Jersey #1 filled the stand with water right away.

The whole live tree experience seemed easy enough.  We are happy with our choice.

Decorating the tree was a blast.  Lights, garland, ornaments, oh my!

Jersey #2 just cannot resist wearing stockings on all her limbs.  

It took me a while to figure out that Jersey #4 was taking the ornaments that lacked hooks, and setting them on the TV stand.  She was stashing them away to play with later.  Before I knew it, our TV stand was loaded down with decorations.

We were having a blast, decorating with gusto.  Then, Jersey #1 said something that sealed the deal that this would probably have to be our first and last live Christmas tree.

"Mom, my arms are getting a rash, and I am itchy all over."

She is allergic to the Christmas tree.

Poor kid.

It confirmed my suspicions about the cause of Jersey #1 and Jersey #3 having an increase in nasal congestion from the day we brought the tree home.  It is easy to dismiss such "seasonal" allergies as being...well, seasonal.

Jersey #3 is also allergic to hay.  He can go out to a farm, ride horses, or go on a hay ride without complaint, but his little nose just pours and pours many colors.  I was hoping that the response to the Christmas tree would be just as livable.  Unfortunately, rashes and hives are just not as easy to brush off.  

At the moment, I think we can keep the tree.  Christmas is not far away.  We told Jersey #1 to not touch it anymore.

But, it looks like I will be shopping the after-Christmas sales for a new artificial tree.  And, we will just make a donation to GGYR next year, instead of buying a live tree from their corral.

There is never a dull moment in this Game of Life...