Radical

I would like to file a complaint against God, my family, my church family, and my friends:

You all are making it quite difficult for me to wallow in self pity about the current state of my life!

You see, I would like to list all the ways that my life is wrong right now.  I want to throw a tantrum about how unfair it is that I have to deal with the things that I am dealing with.  I want to kick and scream and yell, and then take up my toys and go home.  I do not want to keep playing this game.  

I mean, seriously, who else lives a life this messed up?  There is definitely something wrong here.

I have been struggling to make sense of it all.  What is the cause of the current state of my marriage and family?  Am I being punished for something?  Is it my fault?  Am I an innocent bystander here?  Is it his fault?  Do I just accept this?  Do I demand something else?  Do I count the blessings that our basic needs are being met?  Do I take a stand that things must improve?  What do I do about the loneliness?  What about my dreams and desires?  

It is easy to get emotional when these thoughts and questions start spinning through my head.  I have no understanding about my life situation right now.  I try to keep focused on keeping things as stable as possible for the kids.  Even so, a piece of me is dying away.  Marriage is important to me.  I don't want my marriage to be a failure.  Companionship is important to me.  I am a relational being.  Family is important to me.  I have always wanted a healthy, happy, awesome family.  I want to be loved.  I want to be cherished.  I am lonely.  I am sad about missing out on these things.  My heart is broken. 

At the same time, I realize that I do not want to be with a person who does not want to be with me.  I am not a doormat.  I do not deserve to be treated this way.  This situation is wrong.  It is destructive.  It is painful.  I am being treated like a 2nd-class citizen.  I am no longer important.  No longer valued.  No longer loved.  I am angry.  I want to retaliate.  I want to demand things go my way.  I want to fight back.  It is scary to realize that there are times when adultery and/or divorce look good to me.  My sense of self-entitlement clouds my thinking.

I make a tremendous effort to not act on my emotions.  God declares that vengeance belongs to Him only. I am allowed to be angry, but I must not sin because of that anger.  

How much of this am I suppose to take?  Do I have to endure?

I have not written a blog post in a while, because I just could not work through these constant strings of thoughts and emotions.  I cried out to God over and over again, to make sense of this for me.  When friends would ask me how things were going, I would give the same answer...

I am not sure if I am suppose to be counting my blessings that my basic needs are being met right now, or am I suppose to be mourning the loss of my hopes and dreams about how things should be right now.  I don't know if I am suppose to be learning something here before this punishment can be lifted, or if I am not being punished, but am suppose to just trust that God is in control and I will be OK.   

Well, that is where God, my family, my church family, and my friends have all intervened to clear my head.

Every time I turn around, someone is posting an inspirational scripture on Facebook, or sending me an inspirational email.  Every sermon I hear (whether it is at my own church or someone else's, whether it is my own Pastor or another) speaks a clarifying message to me.  Every time I start to question if I am outside the will of God right now, a piece of scripture gets my attention and encourages me.  

I do not need to question if God is in control.  I see His handiwork daily.  I am in awe by the way that folks will approach me with an offer to help before I even realize that I have the need.  A split second after I start to feel overwhelmed by the details of life, I will immediately remember the person who just offered their assistance, and realize it is the exact assistance I need for the task at hand.  The part that is even more wild is that these folks turn around and thank me for letting them help.  Thank me?  Like I am doing them some sort of favor by being so needy?  Amazing!  

Since I know that all of my friends do not know each other, I know that there is no way that they are coordinating taking turns checking on me.  Sure enough, every time my emotions start to get a hold of me, someone....or a few someones depending on how strong the emotions are....will email or text or call me to say that I just "popped" into their head, and they wanted to check up on me and see how I was doing.  When I tell them how I am doing, they always have just the right thing to say that settles my emotions and puts me back on track.  

God is good.

I usually prefer to be as self-reliant as possible.  I throw out quotes like, "Where there is a will, there is a way" and "Failure is not an option."  It has been extremely difficult for me to accept that I am not in control of hardly anything right now, and I don't get a vote about how things should progress.  This is my life too, you know!  Shouldn't I get a say?

Well, it turns out that I am better off if I let go of my way, and line myself up with God's way instead.  It is better if I surrender all.  (Yep, there is a hymn about that which crossed my path recently too).  It is better if I fully rely on God for all of my needs.  He will supply all of my needs.  (Which He has been demonstrating to me on a daily, sometimes hourly, basis).  

There is a peace that cradles me as I learn to rely on God for my needs.  There is also a frustration as I tell myself that I should be accomplishing more than I am.     

I mentioned this to a friend recently, and her response was a huge encouragement to me.  She suggested that it is difficult for me, because of the person that I am.  She said this is a radical way to live out my faith in God.  

Radical.  That made me laugh.  I don't think the term radical has ever described anything about me.  I am such a rule-follower.  I do not think outside the box.  I am very content with the boundaries of the box.  Yet, my current lifestyle does not fit in the box.  This is not the norm.  It just might be radical.

I have finally realized the desire for the peace that comes when I rely on God.  I am slowly letting go of my own style of life management, trading it in for God's way instead.  There are still times when I doubt, and struggle.  Friends and family immediately intervene.  When I start to question if I am doing enough and being enough, one of my children will approach me and praise me.  I am immediately humbled to the fact that my calling of motherhood is exactly where I am suppose to be right now.  That peace returns.  It embraces me.  

I am reminded (again) of the scriptural theme that keeps stalking me in every sermon, email, and Facebook post:  

Don't Worry.  Trust God.