Permission to be Happy

Life keeps going.  I am a survivor.  I have not let the struggles, pains, and heartaches keep me down.  

But, I still don't like it.  I really don't like having to deal with the things that I am dealing with.  My life was suppose to be different than this.  I did not sign up for this.  I did not want this.  I wanted better.

The difference in me now, is that I have embraced radical.  The worlds of my friend ring true.  This is a radical way for me to live out my faith.  

I never would have chosen this path for myself.

But, since I am here anyway, I am going to make the most of it.  

I trust God.

I am certain that He will make something good come from all that seems so bad right now.  I just don't have a clue what He has in store for me.  I suppose that is where faith comes in.  

By nature, I am a planner.  I like to think about the future, plan for the future, dream about the future, and plot the course it takes to reach my goals.  

Right now, I don't have the means to plan the next day of my life, much less the future.  For the past few years, my life experience has been that everything I have can be uprooted and disheveled in an instant.  That experience is even more true now.  The lifestyle I was working toward has been demolished.  I have no way of knowing what tomorrow will bring.

I do have some certainties though.  God loves me.  God is in control.  His grace is sufficient.  I can trust Him.  Regardless of all that is bad in my life, God is good.

I have finally let go of the struggle.  I stopped trying to make sense out of the trials in my life.  I am learning to let go of the aggravation about not getting what I want.  I have stopped taking the hardships personally.  I am not being punished.  I have certainly been mistreated.  I am definitely being challenged.  My faith has been tried.  

The great thing about faith is that even though it may falter, it will not fail.  God always holds up His end of the relationship, and will never allow me to lose my faith entirely.  In my darkest moments, he picks me up and carries me through.  God has been so patient with me as I have spent the past few months crying, yelling, complaining, and crying some more.  

As I've gotten all of the crying and emotional turmoil out of my system, I've wanted to be happy again.  But, how can I be happy when circumstances in my life are so terribly wrong?  How can I be happy when my womb is empty?  How can I be happy when I have no companion to share the ups and downs of life?How can I be happy when the budget is so low that we have had to cut out most of our extra-curricular and curricular activities?  How can I be happy when none of these priorities show a glimpse of getting any better?

I suppose, that is where faith comes in.

I can be happy because God is good.

I see my life with new eyes now.  I have given myself permission to be happy, even in the midst of all that is wrong in my life.  I see the many, many blessings that I have.  I am quickly learning to be content with just my basic needs being provided.  I am able to rejoice much more when I am blessed with anything above those basic needs.  My appreciation for all that I do have is stronger.  

I do not know what the future will bring.  I know that God is in control.  He will supply all my needs.  I trust God.

I do not know if I will ever be blessed with any more children.  When the opportunity arrived (even before I was emotionally ready), I donated all of my baby items to a charity to supply foster families with the things they need to raise foster children.  I have a heart for fostering, and always wanted to be a foster parent.  I have also wanted to adopt children.  It seems strange to me to feel so strongly about this, yet to not have the means or stability to pursue it.  It has been huge for me to be able to give this desire to God, and leave it in His hands.  God knows my heart.  He has already blessed me with 8 children, 5 who are still living with me on Earth.  He knows I will welcome more.  For now, I must be content to pour all of my love and efforts into the 5 children God has currently entrusted into my care.  I am certainly blessed with this handful of delight.   

I do not know what our marriage and family will look like in the future.  I am lonely.  Even though I am strong enough to live alone and raise the children on my own, I still miss the partnership and companionship that marriage provides.  I had no intentions of going through life on my own.  Since divorce has not been pursued, I continue to wear my wedding ring, consider myself married, and do not allow outside relationships.  I try to keep my mind and heart open to reconciliation.  I am hurt and angry that I have been betrayed, and rejected by my own husband.  It has been very difficult to let go of those emotions, not act upon them, and let God handle it.  I continue to pray for healing for myself, for my husband, for my children, for our marriage, and for our family.  I have 5 young children to raise, so dating is not a priority right now anyway.   I simply ask God to bring a companion into my life in His timing.

Right now, I have a job to do.  I am raising and homeschooling 5 wonderful children.  My husband is providing for our food, clothing, shelter, and transportation, so our basic needs are being met.  I am thankful for that.  I am very thankful to still have the opportunity to be home with my children, and to homeschool them.  The emotions and heartaches are easier to manage, when I get to spend my days with my kids.  My children bring me joy.  They live life to the fullest and enjoy everything.  Plus, they keep me super busy!

Slowly but surely, I am finding healing.  I appreciate that the children and I are safe and comfortable in our current arrangement.  I appreciate that I get to have this time with them, while they are young, because I know the nest will empty all too soon.  I appreciate the love and care of my friends and family.  I appreciate that my husband is still willing to provide for us, even though he has decided to not live with us. That is a huge blessing.  

God is Good!